Head On Collision
by Miss Fenway
Summary: "A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams." - Proverb.  James Diamond was only seventeen years old but his regrets had already taken the place of his dreams.  NO SLASH!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N. So much for me waiting until December 1st. Self-control fail. Oh well. All right. First of all, I have to say that this story is dedicated to OneManWritingGames, EpicInTheLibrary, WyszLo, and VortexOne for encouraging me to write this story. When I first came up with the idea I was at work and immediately messaged OMWG about it because I was afraid that it might be too much. But she, along with my other three friends, gave me the go-ahead. So here it is. I also want to say that this is not related to anything else I've written because it's way too angsty for that. The only thing that remains the same is the situation with all of the boys' families. Okay. I think that's all. I don't own anything. You'll be glad of that by the time you finish reading this.**

Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. For the most part, they are little and harmless mistakes that can be smoothed over and forgotten soon after they happen. Other times, it takes a little work to make everything right again. And still other times, one mistake is all you get. Sometimes a mistake cannot be erased and will leave us with guilt and regret and we try to pick up the pieces and move on. But there will always be a part of us that will wish we could go back in time and do things differently. But it's a stupid, pointless wish. You can't change the past.

"James?"

Seventeen-year old James Diamond flinched at the sound of the familiar voice. He set aside the textbook he had been reading and closed the dictionary. He had trouble understanding every fourth word in the textbook so it was the only way he could actually make sense of anything. "In here!" He called, clearing his throat of the lump that had taken up residence. "I'm in my room."

The closed door swung open and crashed into the wall with a loud bang. Logan strolled into the room and dropped down on James' bed with a loud sigh. "I'm bored, James. Can we do something?"

"Sure." James said, proud of himself for keeping his voice steady. He was getting better. Maybe practice really did make perfect. "What do you want to do?" he swung around in his chair to face Logan, forcing himself to look into the wide brown eyes.

Instantly, Logan's face brightened. "Let's go to the park!" He said enthusiastically. He jumped back to his feet and grinned broadly. "Can we go to the park? Please James?"

James took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah. Sounds good to me. Why don't you get Carlos and Kendall and we'll all get ready?"

Logan frowned and shook his head. "Carlos has to go to the dentist and Kendall went with Mrs. Knight and Katie to that one doctor." He shrugged and grinned at James sheepishly. "I think. I forget."

Despite his best efforts, tears gathered in James' eyes but he blinked them away. Logan hated it when anyone cried. "Then it's just me and you today, buddy. Are you sure you want to go to the park? We could stay here and-"

"No!" Logan protested in a whine. "James, let's go to the park! We haven't been there in forever. I want to go on the swings and feed the ducks. Please?"

_Just breath_. James told himself. _You can do this._ _It will only be for a couple of hours._ He forced a smile to his weary face and stood up. "Okay, Logan. I'll go tell Carlos before he leaves. Go get ready."

"Yes!" Logan pumped his fist in the air and rushed off to his room.

"Be careful!" James called after him, automatically. He ran a hand through his short dark hair and sighed. Then he wandered out to the hallway and into the kitchen where he found Carlos. "Logan and I are going to the park" He told his friend, studying the counter top as he spoke. Logan was way easier to fool than Carlos was and he already knew what the other boy's response would be.

"Alone?" Carlos looked at him in concern. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yes." James knew that he sounded like he was trying to convince himself. "We'll be fine. It'll only be for a couple of hours."

"Okay." Carlos nodded his head slowly. "I'll call you when I get out of the dentist and maybe I can meet you there.

The possibility of Carlos joining them brought a rare, genuine smile to James' face. But it was out of relief and not of pleasure. "That would be great. So maybe we'll see you."

Logan rushed into the room and skidded to a stop in front of the other boys. "Guess what! Me and James are going to the park!" He announced happily to Carlos, completely oblivious to the cloud of sadness that hung over them.

"Sweet!" Carlos grinned and gave him a high-five. "Hey, I told James that I might be able to come when I'm done at the dentist. How does that sound?"

"Awesome!" Logan declared. But his attention was quickly diverted and he turned to James. "Can we go now?" He asked eagerly.

"Wait a second." James dropped to his knees on the floor. "Logan, your shoes are on the wrong feet, buddy. Sit down, okay?" He waited until Logan was on the floor in front of him and then quickly undid the Velcro straps and switched the shoes around.

"They're not lighting up anymore." Logan said sadly. He stood up and walked around in a small circle to show James and Carlos. "See?"

"We'll get you new shoes, Logie." Carlos promised solemnly.

James nodded in agreement and stood up. "All right, now you're ready. Wait." He grabbed Logan's arm before he could run off. "You forgot something." Rather than tell Logan what exactly he had forgotten, James waited patiently until Logan remembered for himself.

Logan hit himself dramatically on the forehead.

"Logan, don't do that." James said quickly, pulling Logan's hand away before he could repeat the process. "You don't want to hurt your head."

"No way." Logan said seriously. He walked carefully over to the closet and pulled out a black hockey helmet and placed it carefully on his head. "Okay. I'm ready now. Can we go?"

"Yup." James' cheerfulness was false but only Carlos could tell. James gave his friend a quick wave and hurried after Logan.

Logan was waiting for him impatiently by the elevator door. When it opened, the two of them walked in and Logan pressed the floor level button happily. As they descended, James leaned against the wall and watched Logan. The smaller boy rocked back and forth on his heels, humming a familiar tune that James couldn't quite place. It was probably from one of the many Saturday morning cartoons that he liked so much.

James was relieved when they finally walked outside into the bright sun. A small breeze blew through the trees and made it the perfect August day in California. James quickened his steps when Logan got to far ahead. "Slow down." He cautioned. "Wait for me."

"Slowpoke." Logan retorted with a laugh. He waved at an elderly couple as they crossed paths and grinned happily when they returned his friendly gesture. When they came to a busy intersection right by the park, Logan grabbed James' hand and held on tightly.

James bit his lip. He always hated it when this happened. As they crossed, the stares they got were impossible to ignore. Most of them started out filled with disgust at the sight of two teenage boys holding hands. But when their harsh, judgmental eyes took in Logan's helmet and unsteady gait, understanding dawned on them and they regarded the boys with pity. James wondered if they would still feel sorry for him if they knew that he was to blame for Logan's state.

"Let's feed the ducks first." Logan said as soon as their feet went from the pavement to the soft grass. He dropped James' hand and pointed. "Look. There's the pretzel lady right over there." He took off running to his destination.

James kept pace easily with Logan's gimpy, awkward way of running. "Careful, Logan." He said, sounding like a broken record. "You don't want to make your leg hurt."

Logan scowled but obediently slowed down. "It's not going to hurt my leg." He protested. A smile chased away the brooding look when he approached the woman selling soft pretzels. "Hi." He greeted her in the friendly way that he used with everyone he knew. Strangers made him a comfortable, a fact that James was always grateful for.

"Hi, sweetie." The pretzel lady, James never thought to ask her for her real name, returned Logan's radiant smile with one of her own. She handed him a paper bag and two pretzels to James. "Now, those pretzels are for you boys." She ordered. "The ducks have enough with those scraps. You both could use some more fat on those bones." She smiled again when she saw Logan look at the pretzels hungrily. "You know, those ducks really love you for feeding them."

"They already love me." Logan said seriously. He turned to go, the paper bag clutched tightly in his hands, but James stopped him.

"What do you say, Logan?"

Logan blinked and stared at him in confusion. "Um. . ." He tipped his head to one side as he struggled to remember. Then a wide smile split his face. "Thank you!"

"You're very welcome." The pretzel lady assured him. "Have fun you two."

James thanked her and nodded at Logan who immediately took off toward the duck pond. He followed slowly this time, allowing Logan to have a little space to himself and dropped down to sit on the grass and watched Logan. Even now he had a way with animals. It was his calm and gentle demeanor that made all kinds of creatures trust him the way Logan trusted James and everyone else around him. James felt his inner strength break slightly and a lone tear slid down his cheek. He brushed it away before Logan saw it and got upset.

He balled his hands into tight fists. What had happened to Logan was all his fault. No one could argue with that. He would never forgive himself for ruining Logan's life. He had been brilliant and full of potential. He was going to be a doctor. Now he was only a shadow of his former self. Because in James' case, all it had taken was one mistake and their lives were changed forever.

**A/N. Review? Maybe? Possible? This was obviously a prologue. We'll go back in time now. I can't promise that I'll be able to update very soon because school is ending in three weeks and I have a ton of work to do. But then I have a month off for winter break so I should be able to do a lot of writing then. Until then, let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N. First I want to thank everyone who participated in 'Project Love' with EpicInTheLibrary and I. You're all amazing and the entire time Rieley and I were getting everything together we just kept going on and on about how the whole world is made of rainbows and love. You made us very happy. Second of all, I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I hope to hear from you all again! Lastly, I have to apologize for the long wait. I'm done school for a month on December 19, so I should be able to write a lot within that time period. Until then, patience is a virtue! Lol. Thanks again! I don't own anything.**

The first thing James was aware of when he woke up was that his head hurt. It hurt a lot. He had experienced his fair share of headaches but none of them could compare to the way his head now felt like someone had been pounding on it with a sledgehammer. He was completely convinced that even if all of his past headaches had been combined into one, they surely couldn't equal the one he had now. Tentatively, he cracked opened his eyes and winced, instantly shutting them again. The light streaming in from the window increased the pain to the point where he felt dizzy and nauseous despite the fact that he was still laying down and had yet to move.

A knock at the door sent what felt like a tidal wave of pain washing over James. He couldn't bring himself to answer. His shaking fingers found his aching head and he clutched at it madly, desperate to make the pain at least ease up. Everything made it hurt worse. The light, any sort of movement, and noise.

"James, are you okay?"

He winced again. Logan spoke softly but at the same time it was if he was yelling at James, straight into his ear. Not wanting to risk a head shake he swallowed and managed to croak out an answer. "No."

"What's wrong?"

James still hadn't opened his eyes again. He knew that if he did, Logan would be watching him with concern written all over his face. "My head hurts." The effort it took him to speak was enormous. Tears burned in the backs of his eyes and he struggled to keep them at bay. He didn't want to be a crybaby over a simple headache. But then again, he wasn't so sure that it was a simple headache.  
"It hurts really badly." He finally added.

"Do you feel sick?" Logan's voice had dropped to a whisper. "What about light and noise?"

"Everything makes it worse." James appreciated Logan's concern. His best friend wanted to be a doctor when he was older and James knew he would be incredible. He was brilliant and compassionate. The perfect combination. But still, he wanted Logan to stop speaking. As quiet as his voice was, it still made James' head throb all the more.

"You probably have a migraine. I'll be right back. Don't move."

James couldn't have moved even if his life depended on it. He heard Logan leave the room and he squeezed his eyes shut as tight as possible, willing the pain to at least ease up even if it was just for a few seconds. To his dismay, he could hear _everything_. His ears seemed extra sensitive and picked up the sound of Logan's voice telling Kendall and Carlos something. He couldn't hear exactly what his friends were saying but maybe it was because the pain behind his eyes blocked out his ability to concentrate.

Then Logan was back. "James, sit up for just a second okay?"

James tried. He opened his eyes and sat up. He gasped and would have fallen back down if Logan hadn't wrapped an arm around him and held him up. He dropped his head into his hands and tried to ease his breathing. The motion had sent a new wave of pain blasting throughout his entire head. "Logan." He managed to hiss out his friend's name through gritted teeth.

"Here." Logan brought on of his hands down and dropped a couple of pills into his palm. "Take some Advil. Then you can lay back down."

His hand shook so badly that James dropped the pills and Logan had to hand them back to him. He set them on his tongue and after Logan gave him a paper cup filled with water, James swallowed. His entire body went limp and Logan eased him back down on the bed. "Am I dying?" He whispered.

"Nope."

James opened his eyes as little as possible and was relieved to find that Logan has closed the blinds. The room was bathed in a darkness that made little difference in the pain. He could see Logan smile just slightly and he felt a little better. "It feels like I am." He said pathetically.

"I bet. But you just have a migraine which is a professional sounding name for a killer headache."

James shut his eyes but opened them again when something cold was placed on his forehead. "What-"

"It's just an ice pack." Logan explained, brushing James' hand away. "It'll help."

"Okay." James sighed. The cool temperature of the ice pack was already working its magic. His head still felt like it was splitting apart but at the same time it felt soothed.

"Is the pain on one side of your head?" Logan asked.

"Um. . ." Jame struggled to sound coherent. "It's behind my eyes and then on the left side." He felt Logan take his right hand and looked at him in confusion.

Logan held his wrist with one hand and with the other began to massage the space between James' thumb and pointer finger. "Acupuncture." He explained when he saw James looking at him. "Sorry, this might hurt a little bit but it works."

James winced as Logan pressed down hard. But the pain was nowhere close to the level of pain in his head and it distracted him slightly. "When will it stop?"

"I don't know." Logan looked apologetic even though it wasn't his fault. "Migraines can last a few hours or even days."

"Days?" James couldn't stop his eyes from widening.

Logan nodded. "Sorry, James."

"It's not your fault." James forced a smile.

Logan returned the smile before speaking again. "Close your eyes okay? Stop talking and just try to go back to sleep. Hopefully when you wake up it'll be better."

James obeyed Logan's instructions and closed his eyes. He felt Logan continue to massage the pressure point on his hand. As much as it hurt, Logan's touch was still gentle and to James' surprise, he felt the pain in his head slowly begin to lighten. His breathing steadied and he concentrated on the darkness, the cold ice pack, and Logan's hands rubbing the pain away. Then he knew nothing.

* * *

He had no idea that he had even fallen asleep until he woke up. The first thing James realized then was that the pain was completely gone. He almost cried in pure joy. His body felt limp and weak with relief. One shaking hand reached up to his forehead and found it bare. The ice pack was gone. He cracked open his eyes and saw that he was alone. Logan must have left when he fell asleep.

James sat up carefully, sighing when the motion cost him no pain. "Thank you." He whispered aloud. He couldn't believe that he used to think that the best feeling on Earth was the rush of adrenaline he got when he performed with his friends.

Suddenly James' eyes opened wide and he shot up to his feet. He nearly fell back down but he steadied himself and rushed out his room. The apartment was empty except for Logan who was sitting at the kitchen counter, bent over some math work that was probably ridiculously hard. He looked up when he saw James.

"Are you feeling better?" Logan slid off the stool and walked over to James.

"What time is it?" James ignored Logan's question and craned his neck to see the digital clock on the oven.

Apparently two could play at his game and Logan crossed his arms over his chest, a frown crossing his face. "Are you feeling better?" He repeated.

James nodded, a small twinge of guilt hitting him. "Yeah. I feel a lot better. Thanks, Logan."

Logan's frown was exchanged for a smile and he nodded in satisfaction. "Good." He motioned James to sit down. "You should eat something now."

"But Logan, what time is it?" James insisted.

Logan pulled a can of chicken noodle soup from the cabinet. "It's 12:30, James." He sighed.

"12:30?" James repeated in disbelief. "Logan, we had rehearsals with Gustavo at 10:00!"

"No, really?" Logan asked sarcastically. "I didn't know that, James. Well, I don't know if you remember, but at 9:00 this morning, you were kind of sick."

"So you let me sleep all this time? Today was important, Logan. All this week is supposed to be important. We have a concert to get ready for." James groaned in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. "Gustavo is going to kill us."

"I highly doubt that." Logan returned calmly. "Gustavo may be a little. . . hardheaded when it comes to missing rehearsals and whatnot but he's not stupid. He knows our health is more important." He looked up to glare at James. "It's too bad you don't realize that."

"Well, I feel totally better now so can we go? Rehearsals end at 3:00 today. We may as well get some practice in."

Logan frowned and shook his head. "Fine." He relented with a snap. "But don't blame me if your migraine comes back worse than before. You should be taking it easy for the rest of the day."

"Well, I can't afford to take it easy for a whole day when we're this close to a concert." James was already headed to the door. He was glad that he had worn sweatpants and a T-shirt to bed. He didn't have time to get ready. They were already so late. "I assume Carlos and Kendall left without us?"

"I told them to." Logan followed James out of the apartment. "There was no point in all of us missing rehearsal."

"There's no point in any of us missing rehearsal." James replied.

The ride in the elevator was quiet. James felt bad. He knew that Logan was mad at him. But he found himself irrationally mad at Logan for being so overly cautious. He himself had told James that he wasn't dying. It was just a stupid headache. Granted, it had been the worst headache James had ever had in his sixteen years and he hoped that he would never have to deal with one again, but still. In the end it had only been a stupid headache. He really couldn't afford to miss a rehearsal with a concert so close.

When they stepped out into the sun, James shaded his eyes with one hand, bracing himself just in case his head decided to react to the light. To his relief, his eyes quickly adjusted to the brightness and nothing else happened. He lowered his hand and walked toward his car.

"James, let's take my car." Logan stopped him.

"Why?" James looked at Logan. "Your car is all the way across the parking lot. Mine is right here."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Yeah well my car has been inspected and passed. You still need to take yours in."

James groaned. "I don't believe this."

"That's what you get for procrastinating." Logan smirked but the smile disappeared from his face when he stuck his hand inside the side pocket of his jeans. "Darn it." He muttered.

"What now?" James couldn't keep the irritation out of his voice.

"My keys. I left them in 2J." It was Logan's turn to groan. "I'll be right back."

But James stopped him. "Logan, let's just take my car." He insisted, waving his hand to the forest green Honda Accord. "It's right here."

"I can see that." Logan raised his eyebrows. "But James, it's kind of illegal to drive a car that hasn't passed inspection and you haven't even taken it in yet."

"Logan, Rocque Records is a fifteen minute drive." James tried to point out.

To his surprise, Logan sighed and gave in. "Fine. But only this once and only because I'm sick and tired of arguing with you today."

The two boys walked over to James' car and got in. James pulled out his set of keys and turned them in the ignition, grinning when the engine came to life without a hesitation. "See?" He looked over at Logan. "It's fine."

Logan didn't answer him. He crossed his arms again and stared straight out the window, totally ignoring James.

"Whatever." James muttered under his breath. He pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway, grateful that the uncomfortable ride wouldn't last long.

They drove down the busy streets of Los Angeles, California in complete silence until Logan glanced at the speedometer. "James, don't you think you're going a little fast?"

"Man, I can't do anything right today can I?" James snapped.

"Now that you mention it, no, you can't." Logan returned, just as sullenly. "Slow down, okay?" He sat up a little, eyes widening slightly. "James, that light is yellow. It's going to turn red."

James bit his lip. They had time before the light turned red. Against his better judgment, he stepped on the gas and accelerated.

They would have been fine if they had crossed the intersection just three seconds before. They would have been fine if they crossed the intersection just three seconds later. But they crossed the intersection in exactly the wrong space of time, just as another car on the other side made their move. Panicked, James slammed on the breaks and wrenched the steering wheel to the side. The car careered wildly across the street.

James could hear horns honking in alarm and the squeal of breaks. He heard Logan shout something and then he saw the heavy looking SUV right in front of them. He could do nothing but shut his eyes and wait for the impact.

It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be because the instant the two vehicles collided, there was a terrific bang and then everything went black and for the second time that day, James knew nothing.

He couldn't have been unconscious for very long because when James opened his eyes, there was still chaos. Outside, the world had come to a complete standstill including the usually non-stop, busy traffic. Just off to the side was the SUV they had hit, a decent sized dent in the front. But for the most part, the larger car had remained fairly undamaged and the driver was even out on the street completely unharmed. There was a growing crowd of horrified on-lookers and just in the distance, James could hear the wail of sirens. He head was hurting again and there was an incredible amount of pain all around his torso. The impact of the airbag had probably saved his life but he hadn't escaped injury. Even James could tell that he probably had a concussion and maybe even some broken ribs. But none of that mattered to James.

He raised both of his hands and fumbled with the airbag, pressing against it roughly so that it deflated more rapidly. He couldn't see a thing with the stupid life-saving device in front of him. Then everything else came into view and James froze.

Logan's airbag hadn't gone off. It was supposed to but it hadn't. The younger boy was slumped in his seat with his eyes shut as if they would never open again. His right leg was twisted at a grotesque angle and blood was soaking through his jeans. There was a deep gash on his forehead and the surrounding area was a frightening shade of black and blue and purple.

It was then that James finally remembered to breathe. He inhaled sharply, gasping for air. The action sent pain blasting throughout his lower chest but James ignored it. "Logan?" He whispered. He closed his eyes and begged for a response. _Please, please, please answer me._ But there was nothing. He opened his eyes to see if Logan had at least stirred or maybe even opened his eyes but nothing had changed.

"Logan!" He called again, louder this time. "Logan, can you hear me?" Panic began to overtake James and tears filled his eyes and streamed down his face. "Logan, please! Answer me!"

Outside, the ambulances had arrived and already a team of EMTs was swarming the crushed car. James wrenched his gaze away from his unconscious best friend and turned to look out his window. "Help!" He screamed. "My friend! He's. . . he's not waking up!" He reached out with one arm and was just about to touch Logan on the shoulder when a voice ordered him to stop.

"Don't touch him!" The middle aged paramedic placed his own hand on James' shoulder. "I need you to stay calm. Don't move. We're going to get you and your friend out but you have to calm down for me."

"But he's not waking up." James tried to stop the shaking the had overtaken his entire body but he had no control. "Logan!" More than anything else in the world he wanted to hear Logan's voice. He wanted Logan to open his brown eyes and assure James that everything was fine. But just like everyone else in the world, James didn't always get what he wanted no matter how desperately he wanted it.

**A/N. Well. Now you all know what happened. I'm off to write another paper for school. . . in my Weeping Corner. Review if you don't want to kill me and even if you do. . . hey. What can I say? I like reviews. They inspire me. Anyway, I'd like to say that I'll be able to update soon but it's going to probably be another week or so. Until then, carpe diem! -dead-**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N. I once played an 'American Idol' video game in which Simon Cowell told me that I created a new form of torture. I think I created a new form of angst. This story has legitimately killed me and I'm only a few chapters in. I died and came back as the Angst Monster. Anyway, thanks for everyone who reviewed the last chapter. It means a lot to have your support. I don't own anything.**

"Can you tell me what hurts, son?"

James couldn't tear his gaze away from Logan who still hadn't regained consciousness but he managed to answer the paramedic. "My head and my ribs." He whispered. "Why won't he wake up?" The only thing that kept him from falling apart was the sight of Logan's chest rising and falling with life giving breaths. He was alive but he was hurt badly. Just how bad was he hurt?

"I don't know. His airbag didn't employ so it's very likely that he hit his head on the dashboard very hard.

The man's voice was soft and gentle but his words were like knives stabbing James in his heart. "Is he. . .is he going to be okay?"

There was a beat of silence and then James got his answer. "I don't know." The EMT admitted with a sigh. "I'm afraid all we can do it wait. Honestly though? It's not looking good."

Tears blinded James and he reached up with a shaking hand to brush them away so he could see Logan. He needed to see Logan. He needed to see that he was still breathing. He needed to see that he was still alive."This is all my fault." He said, choking slightly. "All of it."

Before the paramedic could answer, there was a creak of metal. James flinched. The police had arrived at the scene of the accident literally seconds after the ambulance had. The Jaws of Life were something James had only heard of but now it was the only way the police could get the two boys out of the twisted pile of metal that was left to James' car. The kind paramedic put a hand on James' shoulder again and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Almost there. Try talking to him."

James cleared his throat and opened his mouth to obey the orders. "Logan, can you hear me?" There was no response and James turned away from Logan long enough to look at the EMT and see him nod encouragingly. "Logan, come on, buddy. Talk to me. Open your eyes. Anything. Please, Logan." James lost track of what he was saying. His words ran together and repeated themselves until nothing made sense. He didn't care though.

Another loud creak interrupted James' pleas and his door fell away followed by Logan's door on the other side of the car. James stared at Logan, hoping for some kind of reaction even if it was the smallest movement but the other boy never stirred even once.

"All right, buddy. Just relax."

But James felt the hands as they tried to pull him out of the car and all he knew was that they were pulling him away from Logan. His sore body tensed and he struggled weakly to free himself from their grasp. "No! I can't leave him!"

"You can't do anything for him." Another man said firmly. "Let us help both of you, okay?"

James slumped over and allowed himself to be pulled from the wreckage, away from Logan. He was laid out on a stretcher and strapped in so he couldn't move if he wanted to. He stared blankly up at the sky overhead. _This can't be happening. This has to be a dream. I'm going to wake up and-_

"That's it." Someone murmured softly, stopping James' denial of the awful reality. "Just try to relax. Do you think you can answer a few questions?" He waited for James to nod ever so slightly. "Can you tell me your name and when you were born?"

"James Diamond. September 22, 1994. I'm sixteen years old. I'm almost seventeen." James told him in a dull voice. Now that he was strapped onto the stretcher and he couldn't see Logan, he felt both physically and emotionally drained.

"What about your friend?" The gentle voice persisted.

At the mention of Logan, James' eyes filled again and the tears began to cascade down his face. "Logan. Logan David Mitchell. His birthday is October 20, 1994. He's almost seventeen too."

"Good." The EMT sounded relieved and it struck James that everyone at the scene probably recognized he and Logan as half of the band Big Time Rush. They must have been worried about memory loss. A thrill of fear raced up James' spine, jolting his entire body in one quick shudder. _Logan_.

The blue sky was exchanged for the ceiling of what James could only guess was an ambulance. It was a small comfort when Logan was placed right next to him. Tentatively, he reached out with one arm and took Logan's hand in his. "Logie?" He pleaded. "Please, please, please wake up, Logan. Please." He longed for a reassuring squeeze but Logan's hand was limp and lifeless.

The siren drowned out James' voice but he continued talking to his silent friend. He kept up a steady stream of talking. He wasn't even sure what he was talking about but he never stopped. He stared at Logan, afraid to even blink, afraid to miss anything. He had to be okay. He just had to! But in the ten minute ride to Lakewood General Hospital in LA, James felt his hope begin to slip away with each plea that went unanswered. The faces of the paramedics in the back with them were grim as they surveyed the unconscious boy and despite their kind words, James found himself doubting them.

It wasn't until they had reached the hospital that James realized that he and Logan were going to be separated. "Wait." He gasped out. "I can't. I can't leave him. Please."

"James, we're going to need to take a look at you too." One of the paramedics reminded him.

James shook his head, frantically. He didn't even register that pain that the motion caused but looked beseechingly at the man. "Please. I need to be with him." Maybe if he begged hard enough or long enough. . . But then they were being unloaded and Logan's hand slipped from James' grasp and dangled uselessly over the edge of the stretcher before someone placed it carefully over his chest. "No." James whispered. "Please don't take him away from me. I need to be with him. Please."

Firm hands pressed down on James' shoulders and forced him to lay back down. As his own stretcher was lifted off of the ambulance and set back down on solid ground, James craned his neck and peered through the doors as they rushed through the Emergency Room entrance. He caught the briefest of glimpses of Logan being wheeled down a hall and then to his dismay there was suddenly a wall of concrete that blocked his view as he was wheeled down another hall. "We're going to help you, now."

Couldn't they understand that all he wanted was to be with Logan? James' body shook with silent sobs and he suddenly found it very difficult to breath. There was a deep ache in his rib area that was only amplified by the jerky motion of his sobs but James didn't try to stop, not even when the voices around him told him to calm down. He couldn't calm down. One of his three best friends in the entire world was hurt badly, maybe even fatally and he couldn't do a thing about it. It was all his fault. If he had listened to Logan at any point that day. But he hadn't. And now Logan was paying the price for his ignorance.

"James, I need you to breath for me." The voice above him sounded anxious. "Take deep breaths, James."

He shook his head again. "I. . . I can't. I need him. Please."

"Logan is in good hands." The voice switched from being anxious to soothing. "We're going to do everything we can to help both of you. But you have to try and calm down, James. Getting upset like this will only make things worse."

James' thoughts were so muddled at that point that he took her words to mean that his tears would make things worse for Logan and not himself. He finally obeyed her words and took in a deep breath, gasping at the sharp pain that ran through him. But it worked enough so that he managed to steady himself and breath more normally.

"That's it." The nurse encouraged him kindly. "You're doing great." She pulled a penlight from her pocket. "I'm going to give you a quick examination and then you'll be taken in to be looked at more thoroughly. How does that sound?"

James could only stare at her, wondering how on Earth he was supposed to respond to her question. "What about Logan?" He asked. "What's going to happen to him?"

The nurse's smile faded. "I'm not sure about your friend, sweetheart. I'm only here to help you get comfortable."

She seemed genuinely nice so James didn't tell her that there was no way he was going to be comfortable until he knew Logan's condition. Instead of protesting again, James simply nodded. "Okay." He whispered.

A gentle hand brushed his hair out of his eyes and off of his forehead. "I'm going to shine a light in your eyes okay?"

He had been played hockey since he was a little kid. James knew all about concussions even though he had never had one himself. "Okay." He repeated, because it was all he could think of to say. He squinted slightly, unprepared for the bright light that assaulted his eyes. He winced as he suddenly became away of the pounding in his head. He was no doctor but James knew that he had his first concussion.

"What else hurts, James?"

_My heart_. James thought to himself. "My ribs." He said out loud. "I think they're broken." He wasn't sure how bad it was. He didn't even know how many ribs he had to begin with. He sucked in air through gritted teeth as he was poked and prodded. The hands were as gentle as possible but that didn't change anything. "Ow." He finally gasped out.

"I'm sorry, James." The nurse apologized. "It looks like you're right. I'll send you in for an X-Ray but it's more than likely that you have a few broken ribs."

_Don't apologize. I don't deserve it. _

"Hey James, can you think of anyone we can contact for you boys?"

At first her question confused James. Surely they had already contacted everyone. Then he saw the expression on her face and he realized once again that he was being checked for memory loss. So he swallowed hard and nodded. "My parents are in Minnesota." He said slowly. His head throbbed and suddenly it was hard for him to concentrate but he was able to recite his home phone number to the nurse. "Um, Logan doesn't have any parents. His mom died when we were six in a. . . in a car accident and his dad died two years ago in another car accident."

That was another reason James could almost convince himself that he was trapped in some horrible nightmare. Logan had lost both of his parents in car accidents. Surely he couldn't share the same fate, especially since he was still so young.

"All right then, what about his legal guardian?"

_Mrs. Knight. Kendall and Carlos._ James felt a stray sob shake his entire body. He hadn't even thought of their other friends until now. What were they thinking if they had already been told? Did they know how bad the accident had been? Did they know that Logan was far worse off than James? Had James' parents been contacted? Did they know that he was okay?

"James?" She sounded worried.

"Her name is Lacey Knight." James had to think hard before he could remember the name of Kendall's mother. "She adopted Logan when his dad died." He rattled off her number fairly easily and watched the nurse's face relax just a little bit in relief.

She was saying something, but not to him. She was talking with a doctor who had just entered the room. James allowed his mind to wander as the two discussed him. He thought of his friends. He thought of Carlos who was almost always so happy and cheerful. What would this do to him? He thought of Logan. What was going to happen to him? And then James thought of Kendall.

The four boys had been best friends since they were five. The were inseparable to the extreme. Since they had met eleven years ago, they hadn't spent more than a week apart from each other. They were always together. James was an only child but he had always considered Carlos, Kendall and Logan as his brothers.

Kendall was legally Logan's older brother. When the Knight first adopted Logan, James and Carlos were incredibly jealous of Kendall. But Logan had shyly pointed out in all his fourteen year old wisdom that the legal papers didn't really matter to him and he considered all of them his equal brothers. But still. What would Kendall think of James? What if he hated him? It was all James' fault. And he didn't blame Kendall if he hated him and never forgave him no matter what happened with Logan.

"James, we're going to get you looked over a little better and then we're going to get you settled in. Your parents have been contacted and they should be here tomorrow morning." The nurse had turned her attention back to him. "We also called the Knights. They should be here soon, okay?"

James was sure that his heart literally skipped a beat at the mention of the Knights. Mrs. Knight must have been called from wherever she and Katie had been and then of course they would head right over to Rocque Records to get Kendall and Carlos. Kendall. Kendall would hate him. James just knew it. One of his best friends was hanging onto life by a thread and another one of his friends would blame him and hate him for it. James wasn't sure where Carlos wold stand but that that didn't make anything better. He realized that the doctor and nurse were still waiting for him to acknowledge the news so he nodded. "Thank you." He whispered.

The nurse smiled kindly at him and patted him on the shoulder as two more doctors walked in to take James out of the room. All right, sweetie. I'll be thinking of both of you."

As he was wheeled away, James suddenly reached out and grabbed for the nurse's hand. "Can you see if Logan is okay for me? Please?"

She hesitated for all of two seconds but it was enough. "I'll see if I can find out anything." She promised James when she saw the way his face fell in disappointment. "In the meantime, go check yourself some help."

He didn't want help. He didn't deserve help either. The whole disaster was James' fault. He deserved to be in Logan's place. He wanted everyone to stop worrying about him and telling him to take it easy. He just wanted Logan to be okay. He didn't care if they all hated him in the aftermath. All that mattered was Logan and that was the last thing that people seemed to want James to know about. What did that mean?

James stared at the ceiling as he was moved down the wall. He blinked, surprised to discover that he was crying again.

"In pain, kid?" A rough sounding voice asked him. "Don't worry. We'll get you on some morphine soon enough. Then you won't feel a thing."

James thought about telling the stranger that yes, he was in pain but it had nothing to do with his physically injuries and everything to do with the fact that he had no idea what had happened to Logan and the lack of news was killing him slowly but surely. He thought about telling the man that he was sure he had ruined absolutely everything and that Kendall was going to hate him and never speak to him again. He thought about telling him that Carlos would cry and it would be all his fault. He thought about telling the doctor that if he wanted morphine at all, he wanted too much morphine so that

the amount of medicine running through his blood would actually kill him. It was what he deserved. But James didn't say a thing.

Instead, he closed his eyes and prayed to whoever might be listening to him that Logan would be okay. He prayed that it wasn't as bad as it appeared. He prayed that if it was at all possible, he would take Logan's place. He prayed that Logan would be okay. Even if it meant that everyone hated him for the rest of his life. James would be okay with that. At least it would mean that Logan would stay alive and well.

Maybe everyone was just better off without James. Because if it hadn't been for his absolutely and total stupidity, none of this would have ever happened. Yes, James was certain. As much as he had loved Kendall and Carlos and. . . Logan for eleven years, he would much rather that he had never met them in the first place. He'd rather them be safe. This was all his fault.

**A/N. Yeah. It's after 11:00 on Friday night and I'm tired. But hey, I updated way before I thought I would be able to! And C4 shouldn't be too long of a wait either! So please if you liked this chapter, take a couple minutes and review? Thanks so much!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N. I'm pretty much done school for the semester except for one class and unfortunately, it's my hardest and most involved class. But still, the work load is a lot easier than what it used to be. I should be updating at a better pace now. It's a good thing because I'm kind of in love with this horrible story. Thank you so much for all of the lovely reviews. I don't own anything.**

James didn't know how long he was forced to lay on the hospital bed and he didn't know how many random little tests and X-rays he was subjected to. While the doctors examined him carefully for physical injuries, he stared up at the ceiling and pondered his emotional well-being. He was a wreck. He couldn't think straight. It wasn't his concussion that kept him from answering the doctors' questions right away. It was the fact that his thoughts were constantly with Logan and not with himself. A sickening fear had rendered him paralyzed and he allowed himself to be studied as if he was an experiment. Silent tears tracked their way down his white face and every time the door of the examination room opened he would look up to see if it was the female nurse to tell him about Logan. But she never came.

Eventually, the doctors pronounced his examination finished. He had four broken ribs and a moderate concussion. Other than that, James only had a few bad bruises and scrapes that made him look worse off than he actually was. "All right." One of the doctors said cheerfully. "We'll get you settled in a more comfortable bed and hook you up to an IV and run morphine through it. How does that sound?"

He was being nice to James. They all were. James didn't deserve their care and concern. He deserved to be in pain. He deserved to be kept in the dark about Logan. But he couldn't stop himself from asking about his best friend once again. "What about Logan?" He asked in a whisper. He had done so much crying since the accident that he barely had any voice left at all but he could tell by the facial expression of the doctor he had spoken to, that his question had been heard.

"We don't know anything about your friend, James." The man said softly. "I promise that as soon as we know anything, you and your friends friends will be the first to know. For now just try to relax. Getting upset isn't going to help Logan right now."

The doctor was right of course. James knew that. He could only nod in response as more tears continued to blur his vision and soak the pillow underneath his head. He knew it would be best if he thanked all of the doctors for helping him but he also knew that if he opened his mouth he start sobbing uncontrollably all over again and he wouldn't be able to talk at all. He hoped that they knew how grateful he was.

The room he found himself in was quiet. He was hooked up to an IV just as he was promised and a nurse skillfully stuck a needle into the crook of his arm and almost instantly James felt the pain in his ribs and his head fade into nonexistence. His entire body felt heavy and weak, like a fifty pound bag of flour was laying on top of his chest. He tried to steady his labored breathing until finally he got used to the odd feeling. Then he was left alone to think.

But James was only left alone for about five minutes before the door opened once again and Kendall and Carlos rushed in followed by Mrs. Knight and Katie. His self-control was shattered the instant he saw the terror in his friends' eyes and James dissolved into a mess of wild sobs that threatened to tear him apart. He thought he had cried before and that he had run out of tears. But he was wrong.

"James." Kendall was the first to reach him and disregarding what the doctor had said about his broken ribs, the leader of Big Time Rush and the four friends sank down onto the side of the bed and pulled James into a tight hug. "Hey, James." He tried to say something else. He tried to tell his broken friend that everything would be okay. But the words stuck in his throat and he choked on them and his own tears.

James felt Carlos join in the hug, the younger boy's body shaking impossibly harder than his own. The morphine could only do so much and it _had _worked at first. But now that two of his friends were holding onto him like they would never let go and the fact that he was crying so hard he cold barely breath, made the pain return until it was so bad that he had to pull away before he passed out.

"James?" Carlos sounded small and scared. He sounded like a little boy, not like a sixteen-year-old guy. If James hadn't known him for eleven years he might not have even recognized him. Carlos looked so different. Even his naturally darker skin was pale and his eyes, usually bright and full of life, were dulled with an unspeakable fear. His bottom lip trembled and he bit down hard. "What happened?"

The question hurt even worse than the accusations James had expected. They didn't know. They had no idea what had happened. They only knew that he and Logan had been in a bad accident and that Logan was in critical condition. They didn't know that the whole thing was James' fault. He had to tell them.

James swallowed hard and cleared his throat. When he spoke, they all had to lean in closer to catch the faltering words. "It's my fault." He whispered.

"What?" Kendall blinked and pulled away to stare at James in disbelief. "James, don't do this to yourself." His green eyes were dark with concern and worry as he took in James' state. "Listen, we're all scared. But you can't blame yourself. It was an accident-"

"No." James protested. He didn't want to be the one to tell everyone exactly what had happened but it was only fair. He should take responsibility for his actions and suffer for whatever consequences they brought on. "It's all my fault. I. . . I was in a hurry and I ran a red light." He closed his eyes to keep from seeing the shock on their faces but he couldn't block out their gasps and cries of alarm. Then he made himself open his eyes.

Mrs. Knight had covered her mouth with one hand and wrapped her free arm around Katie who had shrunk back against her mother, hiding her face from James as she cried. Kendall's face had paled even more and Carlos shook his head as if in denial. James waited for his friends to start yelling at him. He wished they would do more. He wanted them to beat him until the doctors came in and stopped them. It would make perfectly good sense to him.

Instead Kendall and Carlos pulled him into another hug and somehow that made everything so much worse. He felt a motherly hand on his shoulder and he knew that Katie and Mrs. Knight were nearby as well. "James," Kendall whispered into his ear.

James pulled out of the comforting embrace and shook his head. "Don't say that it's going to be okay, Kendall." He whispered. "Because it might not and even if Logan is okay I will never forgive myself for this."

"It was a mistake." Kendall didn't try to hug James again but took his hand instead. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"But this isn't a little mistake, Kendall." James protested vehemently. "This is Logan's life we're talking about. I'm responsible for whatever happens. Nothing anyone can say is going to change that. This is all my fault."

"I know." Kendall finally admitted. The words were spoken slowly as if he would rather say anything else. "We all know that. But James, I also know that Logan wouldn't want you to be this upset. He'd want you to hope for the best. It was a mistake and a horrible accident but I know that Logan would forgive you if he could. We do." The oldest of the four boys watched helplessly as he best friend came undone again and he blinked back his own tears. "No matter what happens James, we'll be here for you. I promise."

He didn't deserve them. He never deserved them and now they were forgiving him for possibly killing Logan. It was wrong. James wanted to protest their forgiveness especially since he knew that he would never forgive himself. But he didn't. He accepted their forgiveness when he heard Carlos' voice begging him to let them stay friends. But then again, maybe it was more for his friends' sake than his own. Then he found himself wondering if everyone would still be as forgiving if they knew every detail. He wondered what they would think of him when they found out that he had insisted on driving his stupid car that hadn't passed inspection. He wondered what they would think of him when they found out that he and Logan had argued and that he had been nothing but a jerk to his best friend. He might as well get it over with.

James opened his mouth to explain but before he could get a word out, the door to his hospital room opened and a strange doctor walked in followed by the female nurse James had met earlier. Immediately, the words caught in his throat and he coughed and choked until someone handed him a glass of water. Somehow he managed to hold it in his shaking hand long enough to get a drink and settle the cough. "Logan." He finally whispered, unable to say anything else.

He strained to study the faces of the newcomers and read any signs so that he could get anything out of them. But they were both professionals and wore genuinely compassionate expressions that were somehow blank. The doctor traded a look with the nurse and then he looked at Mrs. Knight. "Logan's Mitchell's guardian?"

"Yes, that's me." Kendall's mother stood up from the chair she had collapsed into at some point during James' breakdown and confession and held out her hand. "I'm Lacey Knight. This is my daughter Katie, my son Kendall, and his two friends Carlos Garcia and James Diamond. She rattled off the names automatically and then took a deep breath. "How is he?"

The doctor took a deep breath and glanced at James. In the solitary second that his gaze lingered on the injured boy his mask fell away long enough for James to see worry in his eyes. But maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if his words hadn't been so ominous. "Mrs. Knight, maybe you should step outside with me."

"No." James was surprised that his voice worked at all and he couldn't believe that he sounded so calm. "Please. I need to know too." His heart pounded so hard inside his chest that he was sure everyone else in the room could hear it but he tried to calm himself down because he knew that there was no way he would find out about Logan if he started freaking out. "He's my friend." He finally croaked out.

The doctor hesitated and then nodded. "Very well then." He sighed and pulled up a chair to face them all. The nurse moved to the side of the bed that was empty and took James' free hand in both of hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. James tried not to think about how the gesture was one of comfort and not reassurance.

"Logan sustained several bad cuts and bruises over his body and his right leg was broken in two places." The doctor indicated to a couple of places on his own leg, one just above his ankle and the other right below his knee."

"Why wouldn't he wake up?" James vaguely noticed that his voice was a little higher than normal. Cuts and bruises and a broken leg were bad but in time they would heal. Logan was worse than that. He knew that.

Once again, the doctor looked at the nurse and her grip on James' hands tightened a little bit. "Logan's airbag didn't go off." The man said quietly. "Consequently, he hit his forehead very hard on the dashboard."

James heard Carlos whimper next to him and he closed his eyes briefly, hoping he would never have to near Carlos of all people make that sound again. "Is he going to be okay?" He heard his friend ask when his eyes were still shut. He opened them to make sure he didn't miss anything.

"He hit his head very hard." The doctor repeated slowly, as if he was still trying to figure out how to break the news to them. "Now, the good news is that he's breathing quite easily on his own."

The words returned the stolen oxygen to James' lungs. Logan was alive. Tears burned his eyes once again but it was out of pure relief. For a moment all he could think of was that Logan was _alive _and nothing else mattered. Then he forced himself back to reality. "What's the bad news?" He asked the question everybody wanted to ask even though they were afraid of the answer.

"The bad news is that Logan suffered a direct blow to the frontal lobe of his brain when his head hit the dashboard."

"What does. . . what does that mean?" Kendall stammered out.

_His brain._ James got stuck on the two words and they ran around in his mind like a torturous cassette tape stuck on repeat. _His brain, his brain, his brain._

"I'm afraid that right now Logan is in a coma." The doctor apparently decided that the best way to break the news was to be brutally honest.

"A coma." Kendall repeated mechanically.

"Will he wake up?" Tears filled Carlos' eyes and he looked pleadingly up at the doctor.

The man looked at them sympathetically. "I'm afraid we have no way of knowing right now. The brain is the most important part of the body in terms of how we function, but it's extremely fragile and vulnerable. When Logan hit his head, his brain received most of the trauma, particular the frontal lobe

area. You need to be prepared that if Logan wakes up there is a good possibility that he has suffered a traumatic brain injury. The X-Rays we took a short while ago showed significant brain damage in the frontal lobe but there's no way of knowing the full extent of the damage while he's unconscious."

"Brain damage." James felt a numb feeling wash over him. "And you don't know how bad?"

"One of the major factors is the period of time he may remain comatose." The doctor said slowly, giving them all time to absorb the news. "That part is quite simple actually. The longer a patient stays in a coma, the less likely they'll ever come out of it. And if they do come out of it, their ability to recover depends on how long they were unconscious. For example if Logan wakes up tomorrow he could be fine. However if he wakes up in two weeks or even longer than he'll have less of a chance of recovery and the end results could be worse."

"What exactly is a traumatic brain injury?" Mrs. Knight finally spoke up, pulling Katie from her own chair and into her lap where she held her ten-year-old daughter tightly.

"A traumatic brain injury, or TBI for short, occurs when the brain suffers a severe blow from an outside force. The level of the severity of the TBI itself depends on several things such as how the injury happened and how long the victim was unconscious. Patients have been known to recovery completely and others have been known to made very good recoveries while needing assistance in certain areas. Unfortunately, a good number of TBI patients will need to depend on others for the rest of their lives in almost everything they do."

"Is there anything we can do?" Mrs. Knight asked, clinging to any bit of hope that the doctor left her with.

"If Logan wakes up it'll depend on how bad his injury is." The doctor informed them. "He'll most likely need therapy and rehab. But most of all he'll need those closest to him to just be there for him and accept him no matter what happens."

"Will he remember us?" Carlos blurted out, looking frightened by his own question.

Again, the doctor hesitated. "We don't know." He said honestly. "I can only tell you so much while he's unconscious."

"Can we see him?" James asked. "Please?"

The nurse beside him shook her head and spoke for the doctor. "James, you need to rest-"

"But I can't rest!" James exclaimed, trying to keep the hysteria away. "I need to see Logan. Please."

"James, not right now." The doctor said firmly but gentle. "I'm sorry but you do need to rest."

James wanted to protest further but he was paralyzed by fear. He tried to beg with his eyes but the doctor and the nurse weren't budging. They really were sorry but that didn't make it any easier. James slumped back against his pillows and closed his eyes. "When am I allowed to see him?" He asked, desperately.

"I'm afraid we'll have to wait and see about that as well. But the more you rest and relax, the quicker you'll recover."

James opened his eyes and claimed the attention of Kendall and Carlos. "Go see him." He instructed softly. "Please. Don't worry about me. Just. . . just go see him."

"James-" Kendall began.

"For me." James interrupted him. "Please, Kendall. Go see Logan for me. Tell him. . . tell him that I'm sorry for everything and that I love him and that he needs to wake up. Okay? Please."

To his relief, no one protested any farther. Kendall and Carlos and Mrs. Knight and Katie all gave James gentle hugs and then with Carlos and Kendall looking over their shoulders the entire time, they left.

"Can I get you anything, sweetie?" The nurse stood in the doorway and watched James.

"No." James shook his head. "No thank you. I just need to be alone right now."

She nodded in understanding. "Okay. Just press the call button over to your left if you need anything. Someone will be by to help you." She turned to leave and gave him one last smile. "Don't ever lose hope, James."

"Thank you." He said as he watched her leave. Then he was alone. He laid helplessly in his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He tried to process the doctor's words. It was devastating to say the least. Logan could still die and even if he didn't die he could be severely brain damaged. James tried for a full ten seconds to imagine what that would be like but it was impossible and made his heart hurt even more.

Still. There was something that bothered James more. Something that he couldn't quite put his finger on. It was something the doctor had said. He had said it more than once and James still couldn't remember it. He shut his eyes and replayed the entire conversation in his head even though it killed him to think about. Then he remembered.

"_You need to be prepared that if Logan wakes up there is a good possibility that he has suffered a traumatic brain injury." "If Logan wakes up it'll depend on how bad his injury is."._

If Logan woke up. If. James understood then. The doctor was saying that Logan might never wake up.

**A/N. I don't know how I'm going to write any more of this story because I think I died when I was writing it. We'll see if I can come back to life. If you liked this chapter, please review! School is starting to slow down and reviews inspire me and motivate me and inspiration and motivation increases the update pace! Thanks for the loyalty!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N. I'd like everyone to know that I watched 'Big Time Christmas' and alternated between laughing and crying because this story has ruined my ability to watch 'Big Tim Rush' and not cry over the boys when they're so happy and adorable. I'm sorry if any of you suffer from the same ailment. Thank you so much for reviewing. It means more to me than I could ever express. I don't own anything.**

"_James!"_

_James started at the unexpected voice that was about six inches from his ear. He jerked awake and opened sleep-filled eyes to glare at his best friend. "Carlos, is there a problem with waking me up like a normal human being?"_

_Carlos grinned. "Come on, James!" He teased. "That would be way too boring." He grasped James firmly by the arms and struggled to pull the taller boy into a sitting position. "You're awake now so let's go!"_

"_Carlos, take it easy!" Logan said as he and Kendall strolled into James' bedroom. Both of the boys rolled their eyes at Carlos' antics and James' face. "Sorry, James. We tried to restrain him."_

"_You did a fantastic job too." James retorted with a laugh. "Okay, Carlos! Don't touch the hair!" He brushed Carlos away from him and rose to his feet. "I'm up, I'm up! Now will one of you remind me what the big deal is?"_

_His friends all stared at him before Kendall finally answered. "James, it's Christmas Eve morning. You know what we do every year."_

"_Oh!" James exclaimed so loudly that all three of his friends jumped. He laughed again. "Man, how could I forget?"_

_Logan stepped forward and gave James a small shove. "You must be getting old, James." He teased with a laugh. "Although," He smirked at Kendall. "Kendall is even older than you. What's up with that, James?"_

_James held up his hands like a traffic cop. "Don't start with the old man jokes, Logie." He pleaded. "Not today. It's almost Christmas. It can be your present to me."_

"_I already got you a present." Logan pointed out. "But whatever. I think Kendall is going to blow-up or something if we don't get out there soon." He ignored the glare that Kendall sent his way and took James by the arm and proceeded to drag him out of the room, knowing that Kendall and Carlos were right behind them._

_The boys shivered in the cold Minnesota air and zipped up their coats. "Let's go!" Kendall shouted eagerly. He tugged his beanie cap down lower and bounded off of James' porch in one leap. Carlos followed him with the same recklessness and a cautious Logan and a sleepy James followed more slowly. Then all four boys took off down the snowy street._

_They reached the pond in under ten minutes mostly because they were running the whole way to keep warm. Now, breathing heavily, they stopped to pull on their ice skates. Kendall, as usual, was the first one out on the ice and his friends shortly after._

_It was a perfect day for ice skating with his best friends. The winter chill had woken James up and he soon found himself engaged in quick sprints up and down the surface of the pond, racing Carlos and Kendall and Logan._

_James and Logan were the fastest of the group which was why when the boys played two-on-two hockey games they were split up to make things more fair for Kendall and Carlos. But they never played any hockey games on Christmas Eve. Instead they relaxed, throwing in a few races while spending most of the time simply enjoying each others company._

_James laughed loudly as Carlos collided clumsily with Kendall and brought both boys down to the ice. "I'm amazed he doesn't do that more often when we're playing an actual game." He told Logan who was standing nearby._

_Logan laughed too. "Tell me about it." He agreed, shaking his head as they watched Kendall stand up and pull Carlos to his feet. "Carlos may be a klutz with everything else he does but he's sure is nice and balanced when we play." He cringed and winced as Carlos slipped again and pulled Kendall down with him as he tried and failed to keep his balance. "It's a good thing he wears that helmet."_

"_You think?" James rolled his eyes and swung an arm around his friend's shoulders. "Come on. It looks like they could use some extra hands."_

_They skated over to Kendall and Carlos and pulled them quickly up. "Are you guys okay?" Logan asked, letting his concern show._

"_We're fine." Carlos quickly assured him._

"_Speak for yourself." Kendall grumbled with a laugh. "You're used to falling, Carlos." He saw Logan looking at him. "No really I'm fine, Logan. I was just joking."_

_Logan nodded in relief. "Good. Let's get on with the skating then."_

_Carlos actually jumped on his skates and would have fallen again if all three of them hadn't grabbed him and held him up. "Let's play tag!" The energetic boy shouted. "Please?"_

_The others quickly agreed with his idea. "You're it, Carlos!" Kendall shouted and then he and James and Logan all rushed away._

"_Wait, what?" Carlos stood still in confusion. Then his eyes widened with realization and he took off after Kendall who was closest since James and Logan were already far away._

_The wind whipped James' hat off his head and his hair was soon a tangled mess. But this was the one day in the year that he could have cared less about his appearance. It was Christmas Eve and they were holding to a tradition that they had started when they were eight. They were at the pond where they had met so long ago, in their pajamas, skating. No one else was around. It was just the four of them. Life couldn't get any better._

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* * *

_

An incessant beeping sound alerted James to the fact that he wasn't on the ice with his friends after all. He groaned and reached out with one arm to slap the snooze button on his alarm clock. A sharp pain ran through his rib area and he gasped, opening his eyes.

At first, James was confused. He stared around him at the unfamiliar room. It was white and so plain and boring. It was a hospital room. He was in the hospital. But why? James' mind struggled to recall the events that had landed him in the hospital but his head ached and he found it hard to think. He looked around to see that he was alone and was instantly disappointed that he couldn't even ask someone what had happened.

But then he didn't need to ask anyone because James suddenly remembered. The memory caught him off guard and slammed into him hard, making him cry out loud. Logan. The car accident. Logan. Everything came back to James at the same time and it was all he could do to keep from falling apart all over again.

The door opened then and James' parents walked in. When they saw that their son was awake, they rushed quickly over to his bedside. "James, honey." His mother breathed in relief. "It's so good to see you awake."

"Logan?" James managed to squeak out in a fearful whisper.

His mother brushed his bangs off his forehead and smiled tenderly. "He's okay, James. There's no change but he's okay."

James allowed himself to feel relief for a few seconds before he found the courage to face his parents. "It was my fault." He confessed, his voice shaking badly. "Logan didn't want to go in the first place but I made him. Then we took my car even though it hadn't been inspected because it was closer than Logan's was in the parking lot. Then I ran the red light. It's all my fault." Tears filled his eyes but he couldn't cry anymore, at least for the time being. "I'm sorry."

"We know." His father said gently. "The police told us everything." He laid a hand on James' shoulder. "It was a mistake, James and a horrible accident happened because of it. But you didn't purposefully hurt Logan. You would never do that."

"I know but-"

"James, beating yourself up over your mistake isn't going to help anything." His father interrupted him in a soft voice. "It won't help Logan. You know that, right?"

An overwhelming sense of frustration washed over James. "Then what am I supposed to do?" He asked desperately. "I need to do something!" In his rational mind he knew that there was nothing he could really do that would help Logan but he still had to ask.

Just as he had expected, both of his parents shook their heads. "There's nothing you can do right now, baby." Mrs. Diamond whispered as tears filled her eyes. "Just try to rest so you can get better. Then you can see Logan."

"I need to see Logan now." James said sadly. "Please? Is there any way I can?"

"James, the accident was just yesterday." Mr. Diamond pointed out carefully. "You got a pretty decent sized concussion and four broken ribs. Those injuries will take more time to heal than a day."

"But. . ." James trailed off. It hurt so much to know that they were right. "But Logan is hurt worse." He finished quietly. "I'm not. . . I'm not going to die if I go see him. Please?"

Before either of them could answer him the door opened again and James' doctor walked in. "You're awake." He began conversationally.

"Can I see Logan?" James pleaded, without even thinking of what the doctor would say.

Then he expected the doctor to shake his head right away and deny him of his request. But to James' surprise, the doctor looked at him closely. He saw that maybe seeing his friend would be the best medicine for James. "I'll get a wheelchair." He said for an answer. "You have to stay in it at all times and if you get too upset then we'll have to bring you back here. Understood?"

James nodded quickly, ignoring the fact that the motion made him feel incredibly dizzy. "Yes." He said quickly. "I understand perfectly." His heart beat wildly in his chest and he tried to calm himself down so that the doctor didn't see that he was already freaking out. The last thing James wanted at that point was to have the doctor change his mind after he was so close to seeing Logan.

Getting into the wheelchair was far more painful than he ever thought it would be. But James gritted his teeth and held back the wince of pain so he didn't worry anyone. "Okay." He whispered once he was settled. "I'm ready."

They left his room and suddenly James felt panicked. What would Logan look like? He hadn't seen Carlos or Kendall or anyone else since he sent them away the day before and he had no idea what to expect. He shut his eyes and concentrated on the sounds around him, using them as a distraction from the fear that threatened to drown him.

The ride didn't take long and before James knew it, his father had stepped ahead of the small group and knocked softly on the door before swinging it open. James couldn't hold past the tiny cry the escaped him when he first saw Logan.

His friend's face was a greyish pale except for the ugly, purplish bruises that marred his forehead. Even deep in a coma, Logan seemed to be in pain, his expression tight with discomfort. His right leg was encased in both a cast and a brace and stuck out uncomfortably from underneath the light blanket. Bruises and scraped littered his arms and face. The only sign that made it clear that Logan was still alive was the steady beep of the heart monitor and his chest rising and falling. But James even found himself doubting those signs.

"James."

He blinked, suddenly aware of the others in the room. He wanted to say something to them all but his throat had dried up to the point where he couldn't speak no matter how much he wanted to. He couldn't even look around at anyone else because he was so focused on Logan.

They reached the bed and it was all James could do to keep from falling apart. He knew it wouldn't help anything and it would just result in him getting taken away from Logan again. He couldn't bear that. He needed to be with Logan. He needed to see him. James slowly reached out with one hand and touched Logan's fingers. He waited for the small, still limbs to flinch at the contact but nothing happened. Instead, James inhaled sharply when he felt how cold the skin was. He hadn't expected that. Logan was alive, wasn't he? His skin should be warm and full of life. Why was he so cold?

It was as if the temperature in the room suddenly plummeted and a violent shiver ripped through James. He shook off the concern of his parents and his friends and then carefully folded his fingers so that they were wrapped lightly around Logan's hand. "Logie." He finally whispered.

Now that he had seen Logan for himself, James realized just how bad it was. Logan was so impossibly still. He showed no sign of hearing James or the others around them. James knew that doctors often advised friends and family members of coma patients to talk to them in case they could hear them. It used to seem like a silly idea to James filled with false hope. But now, he was willing to take anything.

"Can you hear me, buddy?" He shut his eyes and waited and hoped for a faint pressure on his hand. He hoped for any kind of sign that Logan was aware of at least something. But nothing happened and James opened his eyes to see that everything had remained the same. Except one thing was different. He and Logan were alone. Everyone had seem to sense that it was best for James to have some time alone with Logan for the first time since right after the horrible accident. James was grateful. He was grateful that they had assumed correctly and he was also grateful that they didn't have to see him fall apart again.

"Logan, I'm so sorry." He whispered. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I got mad at you after you helped me and I'm sorry I made us take my car and I'm sorry I ran the red light. I'm sorry I was such a freaking idiot and that now you're suffering. I don't blame you if you never forgive me for this."

James inhaled deeply before going on. "Logan, I don't care if you never forgive me just as long as you wake up and you're okay. That's all that matters. I just want you to wake up and be okay. I don't deserve your forgiveness or your friendship but Logan, I need you to wake up. I need you to be okay, Logan. Please. Come back to us."

"I promise I'll do anything if you just let us know that you're going to be okay. If you can hear me, Logan, then just squeeze my hand. Just give me a sign. If you wake up and you hate me I promise I'll leave you alone. Just wake up."

"If I could trade places with you then I would do it in a second. That sounds selfish of me I know. Because I wouldn't want you to be hurting this badly. I'm so scared, Logan. We all are. I wouldn't want you to be scared like I am right now but at least it would be better than this. I should be the one in a coma, not you. You didn't do anything wrong and I did everything wrong."

When his pleas and his promises fell on deaf ears, James kept talking but he switched topics. "I had a dream a little while ago. I had a dream that everything was perfectly fine. We were back in Minnesota and I don't think Big Time Rush even existed. It was just you and me and Carlos and Kendall and we were skating on the pond like we do every Christmas Eve. It was so great, Logan. You were safe. We all were. But then I woke up and I remembered. I almost wish that I didn't wake up. I want to go back so badly right now. I want everything to be okay. Who knew that dreams could be so wonderful and horrible at the same time?"

James looked down at the small hand in his and suddenly remembered the way Logan had tried to make him feel better when he had that awful migraine. He began to gently rub the same pressure point that Logan had the day before. "I can't believe that was just yesterday." He said aloud, not sure if he was talking to himself or to Logan who seemed oblivious either way. "It seems like such a long time ago. I guess that's because we've all been so afraid that time slowed down or something. I mean, it feels like you've been unconscious for a lot longer than a day."

"Logie, I'm sure you know this but the doctors said that the sooner you wake up the better. So please wake up soon, Logan. I know I keep saying this but I just want you to be okay. That's all. I've never wanted anything so much in my entire life. Nothing else can even compare to how badly I want you to be okay." As he spoke James tried to avoid recalling the doctor's words from the day before. _Even if he does wake up he could be brain damaged._ His inner voice sneered at him. _It'll be all your fault. This whole mess is all your fault._ "I know." He answered aloud. "I know."

James looked back down at Logan. "No matter what happens," He began to repeat the same words that Kendall had promised him the other day. "I'll always be here for you if you want me. I promise. But you need to wake up first, Logan. Please wake up. If not for me then for everyone else because they didn't mess anything up like I did. They don't deserve to be suffering like this, Logan. Please wake up."

He took another deep breath but spoke no more. He was not only out of tears but he was also out of words. Every time he spoke and Logan didn't answer him it was like James' heart broke even more. He didn't know why but he had thought that Logan would be able to hear him and reassure him in some way. He was wrong. Being wrong had never hurt so badly.

So James simply sat silently with his best friend. Even though his heart was broken beyond repair by Logan's unresponsiveness, it was better off than it had been when he was alone and wondering what was happening to his friend. At least he knew that Logan was alive. That was the only thing that was keeping James' own will to live from fading away.

**A/N. Okay, so it's less than two weeks before school is over and I'm freaking out because I'm doing everything possible to not fail one of my classes because if I do then it'll mess up my GPA and my parents will not be happy. Writing this is the only thing that's keeping me from completely losing it right now. Man, that sounded so horrible. I'm sorry.** **Ugh. Anyway, review if you liked this chapter! Thanks so much! Oh! I'd also really like for the chapters to have titles but I can't think of any right now so if anyone has a suggestion feel free to mention it in your review! Thanks again!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N. I have only two things to say. First, I don't own anything. Second, there is an angst warning at the end of this chapter.**

James stared sleepily at the red numbers of the alarm clock. It was almost two in the morning and he was exhausted. But he couldn't sleep. He hadn't been able to sleep properly for days no matter how tired he got. He had been released from the hospital for nearly a week now and one would think that he would be able to sleep better in the comfort of his own apartment. But the guilt that plagued him night and day kept his mind racing far too quickly for him to rest for very long.

He was back home but Logan wasn't. Logan was still in the hospital. He was still in a coma. It had been two weeks since the accident and Logan still had yet to give any indication that he was waking up. The doctors couldn't even tell if Logan was aware of them at all. They said that it was crucial for him to wake up because with each passing day, his chances of recovery grew slimmer and slimmer. Hope was fading along with their optimism.

James was dying. He was almost positive that it wasn't humanly possible for someone to endure so much pain. It had nothing to do with his concussion or even his broken ribs which made everything harder than usual. It had everything to do with going to see Logan day after day, spending the entire day in the hospital until visiting hours ended and he was kicked out. It had everything to do with the fact that no matter how much he pleaded and begged with Logan to wake up, that nothing ever changed.

He tried to be grateful for the fact that Logan hadn't gotten any worse. He was still breathing on his own without the assistance of a machine hooked up to him. He wasn't dead. But James found it extremely hard to hope when all of his efforts to get a response out of Logan proved fruitless. No matter what anyone told him, the only way he could ever be okay again was if Logan woke. And it looked like that would never happen.

James tried to stifle a sob and pressed the pillow tightly to his face in an attempt to muffle any sound that made it past the barrier. He inhaled the familiar scent of Logan then and nearly failed to keep his composure steady. He was in Logan's room, in Logan's bed. Since he had come home that was where he spent most of his time. Somehow the setting was comforting and kept him from going insane. He felt surrounded by Logan even though Logan wasn't there. It was in Logan's room that James could hold onto his small shred of hope and keep on living. Sometimes he could feel the presence of his friend and it was then that he felt almost peaceful.

But the peace never lasted very long and when he was all alone and everyone else was asleep, exhausted by the stress of the long days they had been constantly forced to endure, James let himself cry. He never cried in front of everyone anymore. They had enough to worry about without him complicating things. He had done enough. He could stand to suffer in silence until the day was over and he was alone.

It had been getting harder as time wore on though. It was getting harder to pretend that he wasn't dying on the inside. He also knew that the others probably sensed that he was acting but they were unwilling to push him too far because they were afraid he would fall of the edge that he was currently hanging on to.

His parents wanted him to go to counseling to "come to terms" with what had happened. But James adamantly refused to spend any time away from Logan unless the hospital didn't allow him in which was only early in the morning and late at night when visitors weren't allowed anyway. Besides, no amount of counseling in the world would bring Logan back to them or make James forgive himself. He wasn't okay but talking to a stranger or anyone for that matter wouldn't make it better. The only one that would make anything better at all was Logan.

James sighed and stood up quietly and crossed the room in his bare feet. His steps were slow, partly because every movement made his ribs ache and partly because it was way too early in the morning for anyone to be awake. He eased the door of Logan's closet open, cringing when it made a slight creak. But when he paused and heard nothing, James continued.

He took a sweatshirt from its hanger and went back to the bed with it. He sat down and pulled the oversized piece of clothing over his head. It was a little big on him and he was surprised that Logan owned it since he was even smaller. But he didn't care. James laid back down and pulled the hood of the sweatshirt over his head, enveloping himself in the soft material. Then he curled up in a tight ball and tried to sleep again.

He felt almost safe and contained, wrapped in Logan's sweatshirt, laying in Logan's bed, in Logan's room. If James concentrated hard enough he could almost convince himself that he was stuck in a nightmare, or that everything would eventually be okay. The guilt that was eating him alive left him alone for the time being and James slept.

* * *

He hadn't been asleep for too long when James' eyes reopened and he saw that it was morning. His eyes found the digital clock to see that it was now 6:30. He had slept for almost four and a half hours which was longer than he had slept for a while. He brushed a stray strand of hair out of his eyes and sat up slowly.

Immediately, the sense of peace that had surrounded him a few hours ago fell away. He saw the date on the calender and the ache in his heart returned full force. It was September 22. His seventeenth birthday. Birthdays were usually a cause for celebrating and once, what seemed like a lifetime ago now, James had been a self-proclaimed party king. But now the last thing he wanted to do was celebrate his life when he had done nothing but ruin the lives of the people he loved the most. All he wanted for his birthday and for Christmas and for the rest of his life was to have Logan wake up. The pain was too much to bear and James had to lay down again.

There was a knock at the door and before James had time to answer, Carlos and Kendall walked in. They looked exactly like James felt. Dark circles stood out on their pale faces and their eyes were filled with a sadness that one could only understand by experience. The two boys looked at James sadly and joined him on the bed. "Hi." Carlos said quietly.

James couldn't answer his friend but he tried. As soon as he opened his mouth though, a sob escaped him and he began to cry. He welcomed the physical pain that the action brought to his ribs because it distracted him somewhat from the pain of reality.

"Oh, James." Kendall murmured softly. He heard Carlos trying to refrain from crying and he felt his own eyes fill with tears. He blinked them hastily away and then pulled James closer to him. "I wish there was something I could do for you." He whispered.

James shook his head. "I don't deserve anything." He insisted. "I just want him to wake up."

"He might." Carlos said hopefully. "We don't know. No one does."

"That's the worst part." James said in a broken voice. "No one has a clue. We're all holding on to hope as much as possible but every day it gets harder because nothing has changed."

"At least it hasn't gotten worse." Carlos pointed out. "He's still. . ." The younger boy swallowed hard. "He's still doing everything on his own. You know, breathing and everything."

James laughed bitterly. "Believe me, I know. That's the only reason I'm not insane right now." With the help of his friends, he sat up again. "I need him." He whispered.

"We all do." Kendall replied, looking down at his hands.

"What's going to happen to us?" Carlos suddenly inquired. "I mean whatever happens with Logan, what's going to happen to us? How can we keep moving forward if something happens?"

Kendall didn't answer right away. He seemed to be carefully considering Carlos' question. Finally, he looked up at both of his friends, forcing himself to look them in the eyes even though the pain there was nearly unbearable. "Together." He said simply. "We'll do it together."

James choked on another sob. "Why don't you guys hate me?" He asked. "I hate myself. It's all my fault. It's my fault because I told Logan that we had to go to rehearsal. And it's my fault because I told Logan that we had to take my car because I didn't want to wait for him to get his keys and then walk all the way across the parking lot to his car. But more than anything else it's my fault because I was a stupid idiot and I ran the red light."

"We know." Kendall told him. "I won't argue with you there." He winced at the harsh words but James' face remained blank as he willingly took the blame. "But James, it's like your dad told you. Hating yourself isn't going to bring Logan back."

"I would do anything to bring Logan back" James whispered.

"We know that too." Kendall said. "So would we."

"I deserve to be the one in the hospital right now."

Tears spilled down Carlos' cheeks. "James, stop it." He pleaded. "I don't like to hear you talk about yourself like that."

James thought about telling Carlos that every bit of it was true but then he really looked at his friend and bit his tongue. "I'm sorry, Carlos. I don't want to hurt you. I'm so tired of hurting people."

"It's not like you're doing it on purpose." Carlos tried to encourage him. "You're scared. We all are. I've never been so scared in my life before. I want Logan to wake up and I want to go back to normal. I miss him. I miss us."

It struck James how incomplete they were when they were only three. They didn't function the same way they did when they were four. They had been four since they had met at five years old. The absence of one boy was like a giant hole in their world. There were empty spaces in the room and pauses in the conversation that should never exist. It wasn't like Logan had just gone on a vacation. He might be gone for good. James hated being three.

"I love you guys." He heard himself say.

"We love you too, James." Carlos said in a tiny voice. "You're our brother." He pulled James into a hug. "Don't go anywhere okay? I don't want to lose you."

"We're not going to lose anyone." Kendall said firmly. It may have been his denial speaking but Kendall truly couldn't imagine a life without all of his best friends. "We'll be okay. We have to."

James very gently pulled out of the embrace. "The only way I'll ever be okay is if we get Logan back." He said, unable to meet their eyes.

Kendall opened his mouth to reply but he was interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. All three boys froze and swung around to look at Logan's alarm clock. It was 7:00 and far too early for the call to be ordinary. They all knew it was about Logan.

Despite the fact that he was injured, James was the first one out of the bed and into the hallway. He crashed into the wall and then steadied himself and rushed out into the kitchen area where the phone continued to ring. Just as he arrived with Kendall and Carlos right behind him, the ringing stopped.

Mrs. Knight held the receiver close to her ear, not even aware of the boys in the room with her. "Hello?"

James could only stare at Kendall's mother as she spoke and listened, and then spoke some more and listened some more. He tried desperately to read her expression or hear something extra in the tone of her voice but there was nothing. The conversation couldn't have lasted longer than a thirty seconds but it felt like half an hour to James when she finally hung up.

"Mom?" Kendall asked breathlessly.

"That was the hospital." Mrs. Knight said slowly, as if she was still trying to absorb the news they had given her. She pulled her son into a tight hug and James felt his heart begin to sink until she spoke again. "They said that Logan appears to be waking up."

James had forgotten what it was like to feel genuine, powerful hope surge through him. The sensation was unfamiliar to him so at first he didn't even know how to react. "He's what?" He asked in disbelief.

"He's waking up?" Carlos and Katie, who had come out of nowhere, asked excitedly.

Mrs. Knight nodded, allowing a small smile to grace her tired features. "It looks that way, yes. They said he's responding to verbal instructions. He's nodding when they ask him to and he's squeezing their hands. He hasn't regained consciousness but-" She broke off and clapped a hand over her mouth to catch a sob. "They think he's going to wake up."

There were other questions to be asked but James, and everyone else for that matter, had forgotten them. "Can we go?" He demanded, ready to start walking if he was refused.

But Mrs. Knight nodded and grabbed her purse. "Let's go." She said, pulling a tissue from the box on the counter. "Carlos and James, you boys should probably call your families and tell them to meet us at the hospital from the hotel they've been staying at."

James didn't have to be told twice. His fingers shook wildly as he pulled out his cell phone and pressed the speed dial for his mother's phone. He breathed a sigh of relief when she answered on the second ring, tried to explain what was going on, and then promptly began to sob.

"James, what is it?"

He heard the anxious tone in her voice and he felt bad for scaring her when he actually had good news to share. He took in a deep breath and then blurted out his message in a huge rush. "The doctors think that Logan's waking up."

His mother gasped and James could hear his father demanding to know what was going on. "Really?"

"Yeah." He blinked back more tears and climbed into the van behind Carlos and slammed the door shut. "We're leaving for the hospital to see him now. You'll come, right?"

"Yes, James. We're on our way. We'll be there shortly after you okay?"

"Okay." James choked out a scatterbrained goodbye and then dropped his phone into his lap. Then he stared outside the window and watched the world go by. He wasn't afraid of being in the car like he had been when he first got sent home from the hospital. Actually he had been afraid of driving every time they went to see Logan and then went home at the end of the day. It was no surprise. But he felt nothing as they drove down the highway. His thought were preoccupied with something other than the accident.

Logan. Logan was waking up. Finally. After two very long weeks of nothing, he was showing a sign that he could hear those talking to him. James leaned forward, willing the car to go faster. He wanted to be there when Logan woke up. He wanted to apologize to him for everything. He wanted to hold him and cry and beg for undeserved forgiveness. If Logan absolutely hated him then James would leave him alone for the rest of their lives. He just needed to see Logan one last time.

They arrived at the hospital and James nearly fell out of the van. Ignoring the calls of the others and the throbbing in his ribs, he ran. He ran into the building and through the lobby, down the hall and to the elevator. When his frantic attempts at making it come quicker failed, James jammed the button one last time and then ran to the stairs.

Running upstairs with four broken ribs should have been hard. But James didn't think about the strain it was causing him. He was only thinking of one thing and that was Logan. When he finally reached the floor Logan had been on for the past two weeks he quickened his pace until he was running faster than he ever had in his life. Dimly, he heard an orderly telling him to stop running in the hallway, almost as if he were at school, but he ignored him and kept running.

At last he reached Logan's room. The door was shut and James collapsed against the wall and caught his breath before shoving the door open. Then his breath left him all over again.

Logan was sitting up in bed, conscious. Doctors and nurses were surrounding him and trying to get him to talk but Logan had his arms wrapped around himself almost as if he was frightened by all the attention. He was crying. No, he was _sobbing_. His entire body shook and his pale face was wet with tears. Then he looked up and his eyes latched onto James, standing frozen in the doorway. "James." He choked out in relief.

James had no idea how his legs carried him all the way to the hospital bed that held Logan before they collapsed from under him and he practically fell onto the edge of the bed. "Logan." He whispered in disbelief, unable to say anything else.

Logan threw his arms around James and pulled him as close as possible. "James." He repeated, sobs continuing to violently shake his body.

"Logan." James' arms hung at his side at first and then his brain and body connected with one another and he was hugging Logan back. He began crying even harder than Logan, his breath coming in sharp, short gasps. He felt lightheaded but he didn't attempt to calm down. "Logan, you're back. It's okay, Logie. You're okay now. I promise. I've got you." He babbled on and on, not even realizing what he was saying. All he knew was that he was holding his best friend in his arms and that not only was Logan alive, but he was awake and talking to him. He knew who James was and he didn't hate him. It was the best birthday, the best day of James' entire life.

Everything he had felt the past two weeks disappeared into thin air and James was only aware of the present. The world faded until it was just him and Logan and everything was so right.

But then everything changed. Logan still hadn't tried to pull away and James wasn't about to. Logan spoke into his shoulder. His voice was muffled and his words, spoken in between continuous sobs were barely coherent but James understood them perfectly. "James, the mean doctors won't let me see my mommy and daddy."

And James' world fell apart all over again.

**A/N. I swear I used to have a heart. I don't even know what to say right now. Review? -dead-**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N. James got his birthday wish. -dead- I don't own anything.**

He couldn't tell if it was the worst birthday present or the best birthday present he had ever received. James stared at Logan, who was now sleeping peacefully after the doctors sedated him because by the time everyone else had arrived, he had become nearly frantic over the absence of his parents. James rubbed his arms, trying to chase away the goosebumps. He couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't fully process what had transpired only a short time ago. It seemed impossible.

* * *

James remembered the way his body went rigid at Logan's words and how he tried to pull away from his friend only to have Logan cling to him even tighter than before. Then he tried speaking but he couldn't find his voice at all. He opened his mouth only to have a hint of a whisper escape. Dimly, he could hear the doctors talking to one another and maybe even to him and Logan, but James couldn't tell for sure. Even if he knew that they were talking to him there was no way he could translate the sounds they were making into words that he could understand.

Then familiar voices broke through the fog and James felt Logan pull away from him. He didn't try to do anything. His arms slid from around Logan and fell heavily back at his sides. He didn't turn to see Kendall and Carlos and Mrs. Knight and Katie rush over to them but suddenly they were there.

"Logie?" Carlos nearly fell on top of James in his rush to get to their friend. His eyes were lit up in a way that James hadn't seen in days as he scanned Logan over eagerly. The smile faded when he saw Logan's tears and James' deathly pale face. "What is it?" He demanded, his voice shaking in fear.

"James?" Kendall. It was Kendall. He was trying to ask James something while at the same time trying to comfort Logan who had turned to the newcomers.

"Logan." James finally managed to choke out, not to Kendall or Carlos, but to Logan himself. He lifted a hand and dropped it on Logan's shoulder. "What did you say?" Maybe he heard wrong. That had to have been it. Because Logan was fine. He was awake and alert. There was nothing wrong with him.

Logan sobbed into Kendall's shirt. He flinched slightly when James touched him but that was the only reaction. "The mean doctors," He repeated, the words stabbing James in the heart. "They won't let me see my mommy and daddy."

Mrs. Knight gasped then and Katie started crying right away. Carlos jerked up, his brown eyes searching and finding the first doctor who would look at him. "Why did he say that?" He asked, his voice sounding numb with disbelief.

Before they could answer him, Logan's sobs reached a whole new level until he was barely breathing and his face was turning slightly blue with the effort it was taking him to continue speaking. The heart monitor he was still hooked up to sounded shrill and desperate and as alarmed as a machine could possibly sound.

"Logan," One of the female doctors stepped into the small crowd and tried to get Logan's attention. "Sweetie, I need you to calm down."

"But I want my mommy and daddy!" Logan protested shrilly. He slapped weakly at her as she approached him and grabbed James again, pulling him close. "Jamie, help me."

_Jamie._ James couldn't breath and it had nothing to do with the fact that Logan was holding him to him as tightly he he could. Logan hadn't called him _Jamie_ since the boys were seven. When they were younger they had all had nicknames for one another and _Logie_ was the only one that ever stuck around. James wanted to help Logan. He wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay and that he was safe. But he couldn't think straight. He could barely breathe. _This can't be happening. This isn't happening. I'm dreaming._ But another sob from Logan jolted James back to reality.

Kendall was the first to move then. He edged closer to Logan and slowly reached out, not wanting to scare his already panicked friend. "Hey, Logie." He spoke softly, every trace of fear gone from his voice as he sought to comfort Logan. "It's okay. You're okay, Logan. I'm here. We're all here. We're not going to let anything happen to you." One hand settled gently on Logan's trembling form and ran up and down his back in a soothing manner. "Come here, buddy."

Logan went willingly into the safe circle of Kendall's arms while everyone else could only stare. His sobs slowed eventually until he lay still, calm for the time being. Kendall continued to rub his back and speak softly to him while his eyes stared at the wall over Logan's head.

Carlos didn't speak until one of the doctors approached them with a needle. "What are you doing?" He asked, sharply.

"We're just going to give him a mild sedative that will put him to sleep for a while." The doctor explained as he held up the needle. "It's not going to hurt him."

"But he just woke up!" Carlos protested. The tone of his voice rose until Logan flinched and then he spoke softly. "He just woke up." He repeated as he gestured to Kendall and Logan. "He's okay now." The statement was completely absurd because it was clear that Logan was far from okay.

"He's extremely distraught." The doctor insisted as he advanced on Logan again.

Kendall's arms tightened around Logan protectively. "He's calming down." He broke his long stream of comforting words to Logan long enough to speak to the doctor. "He doesn't need that."

James watched everything transpire as if from a distance. The words everyone else spoke sounded muffled like they were coming from far away. He watched as Mrs. Knight and Katie finally recovered enough to join Kendall and Carlos in comforting Logan. He wanted to move closer but he felt frozen. One hand lifted from his lap and hung suspended in the air before finally landing on Logan's shoulder. "Logan." He whispered.

The door opened again and Logan suddenly jerked away from all of them. His eyes moved wildly around the room before he found the entrance. The hopeful light in his eyes died and was replaced once again by an inexplicable terror when another doctor walked into the room. "Make them stop." He whispered pleadingly to no one in particular. "There's too many doctors in here. Make them stop."

"Logan," Kendall began. "They're not going to hurt you-"

"Make them stop!" Logan repeated, oblivious to Kendall. His hysteria was returning to mount even higher than before. He moved to draw both of his legs up to his chest and cried out in pain when his broken leg was jolted. "Help me. I want my mommy and daddy."

In one smooth motion the doctor brushed aside Kendall's arms that had encircled Logan once again and plunged the needle into Logan's elbow through his IV. "There." He said, nodding in satisfaction and relief.

"What is your problem?" Kendall's voice shook with rage. Before the doctor could answer him, the teenager had to refocus his attention on Logan who was quickly calming down. "It's okay, Logan." He whispered gently as if to block out the remaining whimpers that Logan continued to make as the medication coursed through his blood stream. "Just relax."

"Kendall," Logan said, his teary voice drowsy with sleep. "Why won't they come?"

Kendall swallowed hard but he didn't have to answer Logan because he was suddenly asleep. He laid his friend down against the pillows and whipped around to face the doctor, his eyes snapping in anger, "What is your problem?" He repeated.

The doctor had the good sense to back away a little. "He needed to calm down."

"He would have been fine if you stopped crowding around him. Logan doesn't like a lot of attention. You were scaring him!"

It absolutely amazed James that Kendall was so rational. He was right. Logan didn't like a lot of people, especially adults, around him at the same time. When they were younger. . . James stared at Logan. What was wrong with him?

He didn't realize he had spoken out loud until another doctor, this one a woman and far more gentle than the idiotic coward who had sedated Logan, stepped forward. "I'm sorry." She really did look sorry. "Logan is showing all the signs of a traumatic brain injury." She glanced at her colleagues and nodded. When they all left the room she pulled up a chair and continued speaking.

"I'm Doctor Lindsey Marshall. I'm a neurologist here at the hospital." Her eyes were sympathetic as she watched their collective reactions. "I was called in here when Logan first started responding. Based on what I've seen, Logan has suffered a great deal of damage to his frontal lobe and that's why his behavior is so childlike. The frontal lobe of the brain deals with cognitive functions. This includes problem solving, social behavior, memory loss-"

"Is that why he was asking for his parents?" Mrs. Knight found the courage to speak. She took a deep breath to regain her composure. "Both of his parents have been dead since he was fourteen."

Doctor Marshall's eyes widened and she glanced at Logan. "I'm so sorry. From what we've just seen it appears that Logan has forgotten about his parents' deaths. The way he spoke about them. . ." She looked back at the others.

"You mean the way he called them his mommy and daddy." Carlos clarified for her. "It was like he was six." He looked at James. "And he called James, 'Jamie'. He hasn't done that since we were really little."

"Seven." James said numbly. "Maybe eight, I don't know for sure. He was the last to stop calling me that."

Just then there was a soft knock at the door and James' parents looked in, their expressions hopeful. But when they saw the devastation written all over the faces of those in Logan's room, they were quick to assume the worst. "What is it?" Mrs. Diamond crossed the room and sat down by her son. "James?" He husband followed her and kept his gaze on Logan's still form.

"Logan." James responded dully. "He was awake."

"But that's wonderful!" Mrs. Diamond's smile didn't come close to reaching her eyes.

James didn't feel guilty before. That was something else. Now the guilt was overwhelming, crushing his lungs and his heart. He heard Carlos start to cry, softly at first and then a full out sobbing that made James' own eyes glaze over in a haze of tears.

"What happened?" His father asked Mrs. Knight and Doctor Marshall. "Did he. . . did he remember you?"

James nodded. He was able to recall the relief he felt when he first saw Logan awake. He had been crying but then he spoke James' name and everything had seemed so perfect. He had hugged James and cried into his shoulder and James had been stupid enough to think that everything was going to be okay. He had been stupid to forget the earlier warnings from the doctors. The ones that said that Logan might not be completely healthy _if_ he woke up. He had forgotten all of that and nearly drowned in pure joy and relief. It seemed too good to be true.

Apparently, it was too good to be true. James didn't deserve that much joy after being such a horrible person. Everyone else did, but maybe his guilt canceled everything else out. He didn't deserve Logan's love and forgiveness and recognition but he got that. He just wished that he could have gotten the rest of Logan back.

"Then what's wrong?"

James looked up at his father who was watching him in concern. "He wanted his mommy and his daddy." He told them.

"What?" His mother stared at him in horror and Carlos cried even harder until Kendall moved from Logan's side to hold his younger friend in a hug.

Carlos' parents entered to see their son crying inconsolably while everyone else seemed to be in shock. Doctor Marshall had apparently decided to spare everyone the agony of repeating the news and sat them all down while she explained Logan's condition herself.

James watched everyone as they all reacted differently. Carlos continued to cry, oblivious to his parents and Kendall's attempts to comfort him. Mrs. Knight held Katie as they both cried. He felt his own parents embracing him but he couldn't bring himself to hug them back. His arms felt heavy and useless. He simply watched Logan sleep peacefully on and found himself wishing that he could be in his place. Not only did he deserve it but at least he wouldn't have to be in so much pain.

They had Logan back but he was so different. He was broken, probably beyond repair. Everything had changed forever. James wrestled with his feelings. He wanted to be glad that Logan was alive. He wanted to be glad that he recognized everyone. But he could only think of Logan's words and the way he sobbed continually for his dead mother and father. James knew he wasn't dreaming because no nightmare could ever be so horrible.

**A/N. I think I do have a heart because the left side of my chest aches right now.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N. If anyone has any tips for sleeping I would love to hear them. I have a little over a week of school left and I'm freaking out. Consequently, I'm not sleeping. Writing is my escape haha. My horrible escape. Anyway, I don't own anything.**

"What. . . I mean, how are we going to tell Logan about his parents?" Mrs. Knight asked Dr. Marshall after a long silence. She held one of Logan's hand in hers and rubbed the top gently. There were tears in her eyes as she spoke. "When he wakes up again he's going to wonder where they are."

"_When he wakes up again" _James clung tightly to those words as if they were his lifeline. Logan was alive. He knew who everyone was. That was something, wasn't it? It was better than sitting and talking with him and having him completely unresponsive. It was taking James an extraordinary effort to draw air into his lungs. Each breath seemed harder than the last and dark sports were beginning to dance in front of him, blocking his view of Logan.

"James, can you hear me? Are you okay?"

His mother's voice sounded far away despite the fact that James knew she was sitting right next to him. He tried to nod to show that he did indeed hear her but his body refused to listen to his brain's orders. _His brain_. James felt a new wave of nausea wash over him and he knew that he should probably move to the bathroom before he got sick all over the floor. He tried to stand but instantly his legs collapsed from under him and he fell to the ground. A bucket appeared in his line of vision and James threw up, gagging at the bitter taste.

It was then that he began to cry for Logan. Tears streamed down his face and his entire body shook uncontrollably with sobs. Somebody was whispering soothing words to him and rubbing his back. He heard another voice chanting over and over again and then he realized with a shock that it was his own voice, switching constantly between "no" and why" even though he knew that there was no answer for anyone to give him.

"This. . . this can't be happening." James finally managed to stop the stream of useless words and utter a broken but compete sentence. He shook his head, wanting so badly to wake up even though he knew he was already awake. "Not to Logan. He supposed to grow up and be a doctor and-" He broke off and dissolved into tears once again.

"James," Dr. Marshall was speaking to him now and she sounded anxious. "I know this is hard for you right now but you're going to have to calm down. The sedative was a mild one and it should be wearing off very shortly. Logan's going to need all of you to be strong for him." She placed a hand on James' shoulder. "He needs you."

Her words broke through the mind-numbing grief and James managed to calm himself down. He rose, with the assistance of Mr. Garcia and his own father, and sat back in his chair, resting his head on his knees to stop the world from spinning. He needed to be strong for Logan.

"What do we do now?" Carlos asked. His tears had ceased for the time being but his eyes darted back and forth between James and Logan in worry.

Dr. Marshall sighed and pushed her glasses further up her nose only to have them slide back down. She ignored them and spoke directly to Carlos. "It's difficult to tell just how much damage Logan's brain has received. When he wakes up again and he's calmer, we'll be able to run some tests and get a better idea. For now I can tell you that from what I've seen, the majority of Logan's problems are cognitive. He forgot about his parents but he recognized everyone the way you are right now. That's a good sign. It concerns me how he referred to his parents and James though."

Dr. Marshall took a deep breath and looked around the room to gauge their reactions. "He'll need therapy and rehab of course. I have other patients to attend to right now but when I come back I'll have some more information for you." She stood up and smiled sadly. "I'm so sorry you have to be hearing this. If you need me before I come back then press the call button and someone will page me."

"Thank you." The adults remembered their manners as she walked out the door. Then James' father sighed and ran a hand through his hair. His free arm wrapped around his son and held him tightly. "He's back with us." He reminded them.

"You didn't see him." James shrugged out of the embrace and moved tentatively closer to Logan, almost expecting someone to stop him. "I've never seen him so. . . helpless." He swallowed hard and blinked back tears. _Be strong, be strong, be strong._ "I did this to him." He whispered, unable to stop the words.

"James-" His mother reached forward.

"Don't." His voice trembled and he jerked away. "If it's not my fault, then tell me how. How is it not my fault?" He took their silence as his answer.

It was then that Logan's close eyes fluttered slightly before they opened and he looked around the room in confusion.

"Hey, Logie." Carlos cleared his throat and sat down by his friend. "You're back."

Logan's brow creased in further confusion. "Did I go somewhere?" He asked in a small voice. His eyes continued to roam around the room searching for two people that he would never find. "Did they come yet?"

Mrs. Knight bit her lip and tried to buy time. "Who, Logan?"

"My mommy and daddy." Logan's eyes filled at her evasiveness. "Why aren't they here? Everybody else is."

James closed his eyes when he heard his parents and the Garcias react to Logan's questions. They knew but they hadn't been prepared. He still wasn't prepared himself. There was a movement from behind him and he opened his eyes to see that Kendall's mom had seated herself next to Logan. Then he cringed with the knowledge of what was coming.

"Baby, listen to me." Mrs. Knight took Logan's hand in hers once again and gently smoothed Logan's hair out of his eyes. "You and James were in an accident a while ago."

She was going about it in the most sensitive and informative way possible. Logan deserved to know everything. But James felt himself begin to fall apart.

Logan didn't help soothe his shattered nerves. "But Jamie is right here." He insisted, taking his hand away from Kendall's mother and pointing to James. "Why is he crying?" Logan looked around with sad, frightened eyes. "Why is everybody sad?"

"Logan, listen." Mrs. Knight reclaimed his attention. "When you and James were in your accident, you hit your head very hard."

"It hurts." Logan whimpered quietly. "My leg hurts too."

"I know." Mrs. Knight said comfortingly. "Your leg will be better soon though."

"What about my head?" Logan asked, reaching up to brush his fingers over his forehead. "Will my head get better soon too?"

James felt the despair tugging him down with each word that Logan uttered. He felt like he was drowning. He wanted to be overjoyed that Logan was awake and that he really would be okay. But all he could focus on was Logan's complete dependance and his childlike innocence and more than anything else, the way he had forgotten about his parents.

They were only six when Logan's mother died but James remembered even then how Logan wouldn't stop crying and how badly he wanted him to stop crying. When they were fourteen and Mr. Mitchell died in a similar accident, it was worse. Because then James understood the loss. He saw the pain in Logan's eyes and wanted it go away. Would they all have to relive Logan's suffering?

As if in answer to his unspoken question, Mrs. Knight drew in another deep breath. "Logan, when you hit your head, you forgot some things."

"No I didn't." Logan disagreed. "I remember all of you. You're Kendall's mommy and James' and Carlos' mommies and daddies are here too." He smiled then. "And Kendall's here and Carlos and James." Then his smile turned into a frown. "Why-"

"Listen to me, Logan." Mrs. Knight pulled Logan into a gentle hug and held him close to her. "Your mommy and daddy can't come today. They're in Heaven right now."

Logan pulled away at her words and looked at them all in shock. "Heaven?" He repeated. "But. . . that means that they're angels. And angels are people who. . . who died. My mommy and daddy are dead?" His voice rose ever so slightly on the last word.

James knew that without a doubt, Kendall got his incredible inner strength from his mother. He watched as Mrs. Knight nodded slowly. "I'm so sorry, baby."

Logan's eyes took on a glassy look and he didn't even try to pull away again when Kendall's mother hugged him. "Why?" He asked, his voice muffled. "Why did they have to die?" A small sob shook his frame. "I don't want them to be angels in Heaven. I want them here."

"Logie," Carlos spoke up. "You have us. We'll take care of you."

To James' surprise, Logan actually seemed comforted by Carlos' words. He lifted his head so that he could see Carlos. "Really?" He asked sadly. "You're not going to leave me like my mommy and daddy are you? I don't want you to die too."

"Logan, we're all here for you." Kendall actually smiled then but only Logan was fooled. "I promise we won't go anywhere. You have all of us. In fact," He laid a hand on Logan's shoulder. "My mommy adopted you. So we're brothers."

"Brothers?" Logan was still crying but his eyes lit up at the mention of being brothers with one of his best friends. "I thought we were all brothers anyway."

"Of course we are." Kendall assured him. "But my mommy is your mommy now."

"I have a new mommy?" Logan asked, tears filing his eyes again. "I love you," He said to Kendall's mother. "But I want my old mommy back." He took a deep breath and let it out. "But she's not coming back."

His voice was so horribly sad and James had to grip the edges of his seat to keep from falling over. He faintly wondered how long it would take for him to get used to everything. He wanted to say something to Logan but he couldn't move or even speak at all. He watched the scene play out before him.

"She's not coming back is she?" Logan asked, his fingers playing with the light blanket on his lap. "My daddy isn't coming back either. No matter how much I want them back." He shook his head and rested it on Mrs. Knight's shoulder. "I guess you can be my new mommy." He consented. He let himself be held for several long minutes and then he looked up again. "Where's James?"

Somehow James answered him. "I'm right here, Logan." His voice sounded like someone else entirely but Logan brightened at the sound.

"Jamie, you didn't get hurt in the accident did you?" Logan asked solemnly. "That would make me sad."

"I got a little hurt." James didn't really have any idea how he was talking to Logan without breaking down but he was grateful.

Logan yawned and blinked sleepily. "Did you hurt your leg or your head like I did?" He pointed at his leg. "I broke my leg, right?" He waited for confirming nods. "That means I get a cast and we can draw pictures on it. Did you get a cast, James?"

"No." _Breathe!_ James ordered himself. "No, Logie. I hurt my ribs." He gently rubbed the sore area to show Logan.

Logan looked sadly at him. "I'm sorry, James." He held out his arms for a hug and then wriggled away from everyone else so that it was just him and James once again. "I'm glad you didn't die though, James." He whispered, almost like he was afraid he would get in trouble for his confession. "I'm glad you're not an angel in Heaven even though you sing real pretty." One hand found the top of James' head and clumsily ran through his hair. "I like you here with me and everyone else."

James couldn't speak so he simply nodded. All he could think of though was so he couldn't possible deserve to be an angel in Heaven after what he did to Logan.

**A/N. I'm not entirely sure how much I liked this chapter but that's how it goes sometimes right? I probably won't update for a few days because I have a ton of school work to do. One more week! I can do this! I. . . think. We'll see. Anyway, review? Can we make it to 200 reviews? I'm going to lay down in my Weeping Corner now.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N. Every once in a while I try to get an idea of how long this story is going to be and I get scared because I actually have no idea. So I'm going to take my little brother's advice and "never set a limit on my creativity". He's amazing, be jealous. Ha. Anyway, I don't own anything.**

"Okay, Logan." Dr. Marshall smiled at Logan as she took her seat by his bed. "Do you feel up to a few questions?"

Logan tilted his head to one side in thought and then smiled. "Okay." He said agreeably.

"How old are you?"

The first question stopped Logan in his tracks and the smile disappeared from his face. "I don't know." His voice was just above a whisper and suddenly he looked frightened. "Why can't I remember?"

"Don't worry about that now." Dr. Marshall was quick to soothe him. "You may remember later on. What about your birthday? Do you remember your birthday?"'

"October. . . 20th." Logan frowned uncertainly. "Right?"

"Very good!" The doctor encouraged him. "October 20, 1994. This year is 2010. Can you tell me how old you are now?"

James held his breath as he waited for Logan's answer. He had finally run dry of tears but that didn't mean that Logan's confusion wasn't killing him slowly and painfully. Logan loved math. He had to know the answer to this question.

But Logan looked only more lost. "No." He shook his head, winced at the pain the movement caused and stopped. "No I don't." He trembled slightly and a lone tear rolled down his cheek. "I'm scared. Am I going to get in trouble because I don't know anything?"

"No, Logan." Dr. Marshall's voice was firm but gentle, exactly what Logan needed. "You're sixteen years old. Do you know how old that is?"

Logan's eyes widened. "That's really old." He replied. "Isn't it?" He looked down at his hands. "I don't have that many fingers. I have. . . ten fingers." He reached out and took one of Carlos' hands and laid it out on his uninjured leg. "I still don't have that many fingers."

"Here, buddy." Carlos said cheerfully. He showed his other hand to Logan. "But this is too many fingers, right? How many do we have now?"

"Twenty." Logan responded without a moment's hesitation.

"Right." Carlos nodded so hard that he looked like he was going to give himself whiplash. "Great job, Logie."

"Yes, very good job." Dr. Marshall smiled at Carlos. "I have a few more questions I want to ask you. Logan. Are you okay?"

"Uh-huh." Logan turned serious again.

Dr. Marshall readjusted her glasses again and straightened out the clipboard she was writing notes on. "Do you know that alphabet?"

"The alphabet." Logan repeated as if he had never heard the word before. "What's that?"

Before anyone else could say anything, Carlos spoke up once again. "You know, Logan The ABC's."

At that Logan's eyes held a spark of recognition. "Oh yeah! I know my ABC's. Of course I do." He gazed at everyone until he realized that they were expecting him to continue. "A, B, C. . ."

James let out a sigh of relief as Logan began to recite the alphabet. He couldn't even find it in his heart to be upset by the fact that they were even asking him such a question. His heart hurt far too much over everything else to take on another detail. But his relief was short lived.

"J, K, L. . ." Logan paused and then fell completely silent. His face flushed with a little color. "I don't remember what comes after L. My name begins with L though. L-O-G-A-N."

"M, N, O, P. . ." Carlos prompted.

James bit his lip. He wanted to help Logan like Carlos was. He wanted to sit close to Logan like Kendall was. But he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he would lose it again and he didn't trust his legs to hold him in the short journey from his chair to Logan's bed.

"Q?" Logan guessed. "I don't like the letter Q. It's like an O only fancier. It's a show-off letter." Then with Carlos' help he hesitantly made his way through the rest of the alphabet and then recited it once more with little trouble.

James sneaked a look at Dr. Marshall to see her reaction. Logan had a little trouble the first time through but then he seemed to be fine. It had only been a few hours since Logan had woken up but James had already learned to focus on what positives they were given. He let out the breath he had been holding when he saw a small but genuine smile cross the doctor's face.

"Do you know where you live, Logan?"

"Minnesota." Logan said proudly.

"No, Logan. You live in California." Dr. Marshall corrected him. "Before your accident you were part of a band called Big Time Rush with your friends. Do you remember any of that?"

Logan giggled. "No way. I don't sing. James sings. And Kendall is going to play hockey and Carlos is going to be a policeman like his daddy and I'm gonna be a doctor like you!"

The dizziness swept over James once again. It had nothing to do with Big Time Rush. He didn't care about Big Time Rush. In all honesty, he hadn't even thought about the band since before the horrible accident that changed all of their lives. It was Logan's talk about what all their future plans were like. He remembered the childish eagerness Logan had once had when they were little and how it had gradually grown into a mature goal in his life. Doctor Logan Mitchell. They had always teased him about it but in reality they were all incredibly proud of him. Now. . . they were right back where they had started. Square one.

"Logan," Dr. Marshall said firmly. "That's something you forgot. Big Time Rush and California. Do you remember Gustavo Rocque and Kelly Wainwright?"

"Nope! Who are they?" Logan asked curiously.

James remembered how Logan had once told them all that young people could have heart attacks if they were seriously ill or under an extraordinary amount of stress. He wished he could remember the symptoms of a heart attack just in case he could possibly be suffering one. He placed one hand over the ache in his chest and shut his eyes tightly. A part of him was horrified that Logan had no idea who Kelly and Gustavo were. It would break Kelly's heart and no matter how much Gustavo pretended not to care about them, they had both visited Logan every day for the past two weeks. James didn't want to think about how they would react and yet another part of him found comfort in the fact that Logan remembered him and Kendall and Carlos and everyone else. What would it be like if their best friend of eleven years didn't know them? But he did and that was what counted.

He brought himself out of his gloomy thoughts and caught the tail end of Logan's repeated denial of ever knowing a Kelly and a Gustavo. _Be strong._ He reminded himself. _For Logan._ He watched as Dr. Marshall continued to ask Logan some questions until he seemed to be tiring. Then, after making a few more notes and a promise to talk to the adults later, she left them alone with Logan.

Logan sighed and shifted uncomfortably. "I'm bored." He stated in a complaint. "When can I go home?"

Mrs. Knight smiled a little at his impatience. "Not today, sweetheart. You have to rest and get better first."

"But how long will that take?" Logan insisted, unsatisfied with all the vague answers he had been getting.

"We don't know yet." Kendall's mother said apologetically.

Logan sighed again. "Okay." He said in disappointment. He gazed around the room as if he was expecting someone to say something to him but everyone was quiet, still in shock by the grim situation. "Am I in trouble?" He asked in a tiny voice.

"No of course not, Logan." James' mother quickly assured him.

But Logan pouted, unwilling to believe her right away. "Then why is everyone not talking?" His sad eyes found James once again and when he saw the older boy flinch under his gaze he looked almost like the old Logan as worry replaced confusion. "Is James mad at me?"

"No, Logan." James shook his head. "I could never be mad at you."

"Then why won't you talk to me?" Logan asked in a hurt tone.

James dug deep down inside of himself and plastered a shaky smile on his face. "I'm sorry, Logie." He moved carefully to Logan's side, nodding in thanks to Kendall who moved rather reluctantly. "I'm just worried about you that's all."

"I'm fine, Jamie."

James bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood. Logan was far from fine and everyone but Logan himself knew that. He smiled anyway. "I'm glad." He drew Logan into a gentle hug, almost proud of himself when he still managed to hold back the tears. Then again, maybe he was out of tears. "I missed you so much."

"Well," Logan said in perfect seriousness. "I would have missed you too but I was asleep. But I'm back now. So you don't have to be sad and miss me anymore. You can be happy now, James. And since I can't go home right now, you and Kendall and Carlos can stay here with me. We can have a sleepover. You're not going to leave me here all alone tonight are you?"

James shook his head and even though he couldn't see his other friends since they were seated behind him, he knew that Kendall and Carlos had done the same thing. "I'm never leaving you, Logan. I promise." Inwardly, panic tightened his chest. What if the doctors or his parents wanted him to leave Logan for the night? He couldn't. . . he wouldn't leave him. He felt a sense of relief pass over him when he felt his dad put a hand on his shoulder as if to tell him he didn't need to worry. They weren't going to make him leave.

"Good. I'm glad." Logan declared. "Because I'm a little scared of all those mean doctors. What if they give me more shots?"

"You'll be fine." James assured him, drawing on the final remnants of his inner strength. He couldn't think of anything else to say so he kept quiet, hoping that Logan wouldn't say anything else about the doctors and the shots.

"I don't like forgetting things." Logan seemed to have dropped the other subject. "I like remembering. I'm glad I remember you guys. You're my best friends and I love you all."

"We love you too, Logie." Kendall said, as strong as ever. "You're the best little brother I've had."

Logan grinned. "I'm your only little brother, silly." He told Kendall with a laugh. "Unless you count Carlos even though he's not really your little brother. But then that's not fair because I love you all the same."

"Me too." Kendall assured him. Then as if to convince Logan even further, he pulled Carlos into a hug. "See?"

Logan nodded in satisfaction. "That's better."

James turned to see the other boys and winced when he saw that Carlos had his face buried into Kendall's shirt as he struggled to regain control. Kendall's smile was suddenly wearing thin and he tightened his grip on Carlos, using his other arm to wrap around the smaller boy. He eyed James carefully, as if he wanted to hug him too. He forced the smile to widen slightly even though he knew Kendall wouldn't buy it for an instant.

"How are you feeling, Logan?" A new doctor walked in and smiled warmly at Logan who relaxed at the show of friendliness.

"My leg and my head hurt." Logan frowned at his own announcement.

"I bet. Do you want me to give you something to make it feel better?" The doctor tactfully held the long needle behind his back.

"Yes please." Logan said emphatically.

The doctor turned to face the others. "I'm going to give him a dose of morphine that will take the pain away but it will probably make him fall asleep too. I just need someone to make sure he's okay with getting it in the form of a needle."

Kendall nodded and before his mother could do anything, he dragged Carlos forward so that both of them were closer to James and Logan. "Hey, Logie." He said cheerfully. "When your leg gets all better how about we go ice skating. I can teach you how to play hockey again."

Logan look excited by the idea. "Really?" He didn't even notice as the doctor inserted the medication through his IV because he was so completely focused on Kendall. "Promise?"

Kendall nodded again and gave his friend a small smile. "I promise, Logan." He watched as the morphine quickly took its toll on Logan's weak body and then shifted even closer so he could take one of his hands. "I'll teach you how to do everything." He vowed. "I'll teach you how to climb a tree and the best way to fish-"

"I don't wanna touch the yucky worms." Logan made a face even though he was practically asleep.

"I'll do it for you!" Carlos broke in. "Does that sound good?"

Logan nodded and smiled. "M'kay." He said tiredly. "I like that then. What else will you teach me, Kenny?"

Kendall was caught off guard by the nickname and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. He cleared his throat so he could answer Logan who was still fighting off the medication. "I'll teach you everything you need to know."

"Everything?"

"Yup. So will Carlos and James. That's what big brothers are for."

"Carlos is my little brother." Logan protested. Then he yawned and shut his eyes. "I can't wait to go home so I can learn everything."

Kendall watched as Logan's breathing steadied into the rhythm of one who was asleep and then he rose to his feet and brushing off the concerned, helping hands, walked quickly out of the room. The hallway was empty and all was quiet. He leaned up against the wall, slid to the floor and laid his head on his knees. And then he cried.

**A/N. Well. I kinda really love how I'm writing something so horribly angsty two weeks before Christmas. I suck. Review?**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N. I am so glad that by this time next week I'll be done school for a month. It's been an extremely hard semester and things haven't turned out the way I would have hoped which is disappointing. But I'm trying not to focus on that right now since there's nothing I can do. Thank you for all the continued support so far. You're all amazing. I don't own anything.**

The room was dark but James could still see everything. The glow from the nightlight in the corner probably helped. He sat rigid in the worn plastic chair by Logan's bed, afraid to close his eyes. His gaze drifted over to Carlos who had fallen into an uneasy sleep on his cot and then over to Kendall who hadn't moved from his place on the edge of Logan's bed. Even in the dim lighting, James could see the red-rimmed, teary brightness of the once brilliant green eyes.

Kendall had _cried_. He had completely fallen apart after Logan fell asleep. His amazing strength had held out just long enough for Logan and once Logan was oblivious to his surroundings, Kendall had crumpled. He had tried to spare everyone by walking out into the hallway but had he really expected that no one would follow him?

* * *

James' legs had moved of their own accord and he and Carlos were the first ones to go after Kendall. They found him huddled against the wall, sobbing as if he was in an incredible amount of pain. He didn't even notice them as they dropped down to the floor beside him until Carlos spoke up.

"Kendall?"

James' heart throbbed painfully at the broken and scared tone. Carlos should _never_ have to sound like that. Kendall should never have to cry so hard that it was hard for him to breath. Logan should never have to suffer so much. . . damage. None of this should be happening. "I'm sorry." He said so quietly that he didn't think his friends heard him over Kendall's sobs.

But then the crying ceased and James felt himself being tugged into a hug between Kendall and Carlos. He would have started to cry then but the numb feeling still had control over him and he could only lay shaking in his friends' arms. "I'm sorry." He repeated, choking out the two words with extreme difficulty. "Do you hate me? I don't blame you if you do. I hate myself. This is all my fault. None of this would have happened if I hadn't been such an idiot."

"We don't hate you, James." Carlos said since the power of speech was still beyond Kendall. "You're our best friend."

"But I did this!" James said fiercely. "I did this to Logan. It's all my fault that he's so screwed up and scared and confused."

"We could never hate you." Carlos' voice was suddenly firm and stubborn.

Kendall took a deep breath and spoke then. "James, people run red lights all the time and get away with it. The one time you did it. . . this happened. Yes, it was your fault but that doesn't mean we hate you. We hate what you did and what happened because of it. But we also hate what it's doing to you." He looked at James, pain dominating any other expression in his eyes. "It's destroying you James and it scares us. We can't lose you. We need you. Logan needs you."

The mention of Logan brought tears to James' eyes but they didn't fall. "How can you trust me with Logan after what I did to him?"

"Because he trusts you. You made a mistake, James and it's changed everything for us. But we still have Logan and he needs all of us to help him." Kendall sighed and rose unsteadily to his feet. He pulled Carlos to his own feet and then offered a hand up to James.

James stared at Kendall's hand and then took it hesitantly. He was caught off guard when he was pulled upwards and then forwards into Kendall's arms. He felt Carlos' hand on his shoulder and since he couldn't speak just then he simply nodded his gratitude.

Kendall released him and forced a tiny smile to his face. "Okay. Let's go back." He straightened his shoulders, the only sign of the past emotional storm in his red and swollen eyes, and opened the door to Logan's room where the adults and Katie were still waiting.

It was now 10:30 at night. James blinked tiredly and then pinched himself to keep from nodding off. He couldn't sleep. He was afraid to sleep. His small movement caught Kendall's eye and he saw his friend look away from Logan to him.

"You're awake." Kendall sounded concerned but he also sounded surprised as if he had just noticed for the first time that James wasn't asleep. "You should lay down and try to get some sleep, James. I know you haven't been getting much rest lately."

"I'm not tired." James insisted, blushing at the automatic lie. He backtracked quickly. "I don't want to go to sleep. When I am asleep, sometimes I have dreams that everything is perfectly fine and we're all okay. It hurts too much when I wake up." He couldn't bring himself to face the undeserved sympathy in Kendall's eyes and dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Hey," Kendall said softly, not wanting to wake Carlos or Logan. "James, look at me." He waited until James obeyed him and then went on. "I know that this must be killing you because it's killing me. But Logan's alive, right? He's going to be okay. Sure he might never be who he once was again but we always have hope. He could recover a lot. I know he'll always need help with a lot of things but he could get a lot better. And he's _alive_." Kendall put an emphasis on the word and James saw his eyes glistening once again. "He could have died, James. That would have been so much worse. We still have our, Logie. He's just a little different."

"He's not that different." Both boys jumped at Carlos' voice and they turned to see the smaller boy sit up to face them. "If you look close it's still the same Logan. He still cares about everyone else more than himself and he's still really polite and everything. He doesn't like a lot of people either. He never did. He's still the same but he's also a little different." Carlos took a deep breath and when he spoke again his voice shook a little. "Kendall is right, James. Logan's alive. That's really all that matters."

"You know that, don't you James?" Kendall asked gently.

James swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. "Yeah. I do. It's just. . . hard. I still have trouble believing that all of this happened. You know the worst part? The last time Logan and I had a. . . a normal conversation, we fought. I was mad at him and he was mad at me. I wish I could have told him something differently. I wish I could have told him that he was right and that he's amazing and that. . . I'm sorry for everything." He sniffed and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly. "I wish I was nicer to him. If I had just listened to him then none of this would have happened. We'd all be sitting in 2J watching hockey or something completely normal. We'd be celebrating my birthday."

"It's your birthday?"

James jumped and turned to see that Logan was watching him. "Logie, what are you doing up?" He whispered. "You should be sleeping."

"My leg hurts again. So does my head." Logan explained with a tiny frown. But the frown was exchanged for a smile. "It's your birthday, James?"

"Yeah." James glanced at Kendall and Carlos, silently asking them what they thought should be done about Logan being awake. "It is."

"I forgot." Logan was sad again, his mood constantly swinging back and forth. "I'm sorry, James. I didn't get you any presents. When I get better, I'll get you something really awesome, okay?"

James barely noticed that Kendall had pressed the call button for a doctor to come. For the first time since Logan had first woken up, he took Logan into his arms for a very careful hug. For the first time since Logan had first woken up he felt almost happy. "I have my best buddies all with me." He whispered. "What else do I need or even want?"

Logan patted him on the back. "Are you feeling better now?" He asked James. "You look happier."

"I am happier." James said, realizing as he spoke that it was true.

"Good." Logan said in satisfaction. "I don't like it when you're sad. It makes me sad."

"Sorry, Logan. I don't want to make you sad." James ignored the opening door and the doctor who walked in. He ignored the whispered exchanges between Carlos and Kendall and the doctor. He focused on Logan.

"Well," Logan didn't even notice when more morphine was injected into him through his IV. "Sometimes we have to be sad. Because if we're happy all the time we won't know what it's like to be happy 'cause we're so used to it. Sad things make the happy things better."

A small laugh escaped James. "You're right, Logan. I still like happy things much better though."

"Well, duh." Logan rolled his eyes and yawned. "Everybody likes to be happy." He smiled up at his friends. "I don't hurt anymore. Do you hurt anymore?"

James hadn't thought about his ribs for hours. He shrugged. "A little bit, Logan. I'm okay though."

"Maybe you can ask the doctors for medicine." Logan suggested as his eyes began to close once again. "That always makes me feel better. It doesn't even hurt when they give me a needle."

"I'm glad." James was relieved when it was just him and his friends again and no one in between them. "I'm glad it helps you, Logan."

"It'll help you too." Logan promised. "Just ask."

"Maybe later. I'm okay for now." Jame watched as Logan's eyes finally closed and he drifted off once again into a medicated stupor. He sighed wearily, bringing one hand unconsciously to his ribs where a dull ache persisted. "Good night, Logan." He whispered softly.

"Lay down." Kendall ordered firmly. He took James' elbow and forced him gently to his feet and led him over to an empty cot. "You need sleep, James. If not for yourself then for Logan. You're no good to him if you can't function."

"But what if he wakes up again?" James laid down but his eyes remained wide open. "You can't stay awake all night either."

"We'll take turns." Carlos suggested then. "Kendall, wake me up in two hours and I'll keep watch. Then in two hours I'll wake you up, James. Is that okay?"

Kendall nodded and looked at James. "How does that sound? That way we can all get some rest and watch over Logan."

James didn't want to go to sleep. It wasn't the nightmares he was afraid of. It was the pleasant dreams that had been haunting him for the past two weeks. But he knew that Kendall was right and that Carlos' idea was a good one. So he nodded and shut his eyes.

He listened as Kendall moved back to Logan's bed and he listened until Carlos began to snore softly. He listened to the noises out in the hall and the steady beep of the heart monitor that told him that Logan alive. A tear slid down his cheek and the ache in his heart outweighed the ache in his ribs. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours since Logan had woken up and everything had changed forever. But he focused on Kendall and Carlos' earlier words that nothing else matted but that fact that Logan was alive. He focused on their promises that they didn't hate him and that they would always be there for him even though he didn't think he deserved them. And he focused on Logan. When he focused on the good things in life it made it easier to endure the heartache that he knew would never completely leave him. For the first time in two weeks, James fell into a peaceful sleep.

**A/N. I** **have to keep reminding myself that Logan is actually sixteen years old and not six. He and Carlos kinda switched roles, didn't they? James makes my heart break all the time and Kendall is the best big brother ever BUT HE SHOULD STOP MAKING PROMISES THAT HE CAN'T KEEP. . . Ahem. Review?**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N. Less than one week until school is over and I have my life back for a week. I might make it. I'm half dead right now. On the bright side I told the mother I nanny for that I have coffee in the morning and then iced tea in the afternoon and she came home the other day with two gallons on iced tea for me. She's my hero right now. Okay. I don't own anything.**

"I'm not leaving." James said flatly. He crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring the pain in his ribs, and fought back the rising panic. He knew that getting upset wouldn't help his situation in the slightest. "I'm staying here. I have to."

Mrs. Diamond sighed and reached out to touch her son but he jerked away. Her hand hung suspended in mid-air for a few seconds before she let it drop back into her lap. "James," She began calmly. "We're not asking that you move back to Minnesota permanently. But as we've already told you, Mrs. Knight wasn't able to find a new place large enough for everyone. I think it would be best if you came home until we sold our own house and got everything sorted out."

"Minnesota isn't my home." James shook his head stubbornly. "My home is wherever Logan is and right now that's here in California. I'm not leaving him. Not even for a day. I promised him that I wouldn't leave him and I intend to keep that promise. It's the least I can do."

He couldn't believe that he was even having this conversation in the first place. The very idea that his parents thought they could convince him to move back to Minnesota even if it was for only a short time was absurd to him. Because Big Time Rush was no longer possible, they had needed to move out of the Palm Woods hotel for "future famous stars". They were all currently staying at a hotel near the hospital but sooner or later a permanent residence would need to be found. The Knights had already sold their home in Minnesota and found a small apartment but although the Garcias and Diamonds wanted to do the same, they hadn't had the same luck with their own houses.

With everything else that had happened with Logan, James had never even considered how this would affect the rest of them. But now he and Carlos found themselves fighting a losing battle. Both of their parents were determined to take them back to Minnesota until their houses sold. James could hardly bear to look at Carlos who was sitting right next to him. The younger boy was not taking the news any better than he was.

"I can't leave Logan either." Carlos choked out in between sobs. "I promised him too. Please don't make me leave him!"

"There's nowhere for you two to stay." Mr. Garcia pointed out gently. "You know that the only place Mrs. Knight could find has two small bedrooms. One for her and Katie, and one for Logan and Kendall."

"So we'll sleep on the floor or the couch." James said insistently. "I love both of you and I hope you believe me despite what I'm about to tell you. But I don't care if you are my parents. I'm not going back to Minnesota with you for any amount of time. I'm staying here. I'll sleep on a park bench if I have to but I'm not leaving Logan no matter what you say or do."

"James," His father tried to be stern but it was impossible when James was already so broken. "Your mother and I would love to stay here in LA. You know that. But we have no idea how long it'll take for the house to sell and we don't want you on your own at all."

"If you knew how much this meant to me then you would let me stay without arguing about it." James shrugged and stood up. "But just so you know, the only way I'm leaving Logan is if it's in a casket." He heard his mother gasp as he turned and strode down the quiet hallway of the hospital but he never looked back.

He paused outside of Logan's room so he could pull himself together then he opened the door and sighed in relief. "Hi, guys." He greeted Kendall and Logan quietly.

"You're back!" Logan said, smiling brightly. "Where's Carlos?"

"Right here, Logie." Carlos stepped around James and put on his best smile but Logan wasn't fooled for an instant.

"Why are you crying?" He asked somberly as he studied Carlos' tear stained face with care.

Kendall shook his head frantically from behind Logan, the gesture telling Carlos and James that they shouldn't tell Logan what was happening between the two of them and their parents.

Carlos looked mildly insulted by Kendall's unnecessary instruction. They all knew not to upset Logan. But he let it go and grinned at Logan. "Hey guess what, Logan!" He crossed the room and sat down in the nearest chair. "I have your birthday present for you"

Logan's nose wrinkled in confusion, already forgetting his concern over Carlos. "But it's not my birthday. Or did I forget again?"

"Well," Carlos said smoothly, trying to avoid the subject of the Logan's short-term memory loss. "Your birthday isn't for another week but I thought I could give you this early since you're going home tomorrow." He handed Logan a gift bag that James hadn't even noticed earlier.

Logan's face lit up and he took the bag from Carlos eagerly. "I love presents!" He exclaimed happily.

James took a quick peak at Carlos. The younger boy was watching Logan expectantly but tears shone in his eyes. A glance at Kendall showed James that Carlos was the only one who knew that was in the bag so James quickly turned back to Logan who was fumbling clumsily with the tissue paper.

"Wow!" Logan's eyes opened wide and he gave Carlos a huge grin. Then with all three boys watching him, he reached deep into the bag and withdrew a black hockey helmet. "But this is yours!"

Carlos' smile never wavered for a second but a tear worked its way past the blockade and slid down his cheek. He hastily wiped it away and leaned forward. "Not anymore." He took the helmet from Logan and gently set it on his head. "I want you to have it. That way you'll be safer." He snapped the chin strap and nodded. "See? It's a perfect fit."

Logan threw his arms around Carlos and gave him a fierce hug. "Thanks, Carlos! This is the best birthday present ever."

Carlos wound his arms carefully around Logan and held him closely. More tears began to fall from his eyes and he buried his face into Logan's shoulder in an effort to keep from falling apart completely.

James and Kendall watched the exchange without a single word. James shut his eyes tightly and drew in a huge breath then let it out slowly. _Stay strong, stay strong._ He repeated his daily mantra several times over before he even dared to open his eyes again. He regretted it almost instantly when he saw that Carlos was still hugging Logan and Kendall looked on the verge of another breakdown himself.

"I'll be back." He muttered as he stood up. "I just. . . have to use the bathroom." He made it out into the hallway then leaned heavily against the wall. He hadn't been there very long at all before the door opened again and Carlos joined him.

"I'm sorry."

James shook his head. "You don't have anything to be sorry about, Carlos." He whispered. "You didn't do anything wrong. You made Logan so happy just now."

"I know but I made you cry." Carlos said sadly, and James remembered how he had struggled to hold back his own tears back in Logan's room.

"Yeah well, it doesn't take too much to make me cry these days." James said bitterly. "I cry every day like a stupid baby and it'll never change a freaking thing." His tone softened. "You're an incredible person, Carlos. You're an incredible friend and brother and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for you and Kendall and Logan. I wouldn't be able to live like this without you guys."

A tiny but genuine smile crossed Carlos' face. "We feel the same way about you." He said sincerely. He gave James a one-armed hug. "Come on. Logan's probably wondering if we got lost."

"It upsets him when we cry." James dragged an arm across his eyes, trying to erase any trace of his tears.

"I know." Carlos said softly. "He never did like to see us cry."

James sighed. "You're right. Let's go."

"James and Carlos!"

The two boys turned to see Kelly and Gustavo approaching them. "Hey." Carlos said quietly. Their old producer and his kind-hearted assistant had visited Logan several times after he had woken up and each time was difficult because Logan had no memory of either of them.

"How is he?" Kelly already had tears in her eyes.

"He's ready to go home tomorrow." Carlos told her with a smile. They had learned early on to focus on the positive. "He's ready for real food like dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and fish sticks instead of the gross hospital food."

James nodded to the door. "Do you want to go see him?" He asked politely.

Gustavo gave a short nod but held up his hand. "Wait, boys." His tone had lost the hard edge and merely sounded weary. "I want to talk to you about something before we go in there." Without waiting for a reply, he pressed on. "We ran into your parents back there." He gestured vaguely behind him.

James and Carlos both stiffened at the mention of their parents. "Yeah?" James asked, trying to hide the bitterness in his voice.

"They told us how they want you to move back to Minnesota." A spark of the old Gustavo Rocque flickered and died in the anger he clearly felt for the boys' parents. "I think I might have a solution."

"What?" James demanded while Carlos merely looked hopeful.

Gustavo looked suddenly uncomfortable and he cleared his throat. "Well, I. . . I mean you. . . could stay with me in my mansion until they figured everything out."

Carlos didn't hesitate to throw his arms around Gustavo, creating an almost amusing picture since he was dwarfed by the big man. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" He exclaimed over and over again.

Gustavo turned bright red and withdrew from the embrace. "Well," He said gruffly. "It's just me in there. Might as well make use of all the room. But don't break anything because-"

"We won't!" Carlos and James chorused. "We promise."

Gustavo nodded but looked skeptical. "Well, you didn't break anything the time you mansion sat for me and you were by yourselves." He sighed deeply and shook his head. "Anyway, I already talked to your parents about it and I think they'll come around."

"Yes!" Carlos barely restrained himself from hugging Gustavo again and merely hugged Kelly who gladly accepted it. "You wanna go see Logan now?" He asked as he pulled away.

James braced himself as they nodded. He opened the door and led the way into the room. "Hey, look who Carlos and I found!"

Logan looked away from Kendall and stared at the two newcomers, obviously trying to place them. "Kelly and Gus-to-vo." He said slowly, tripping over the longer name. "Right?" He asked hopefully.

"Hi, Logan." Kelly gave him a gentle hug. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm going home tomorrow!" Logan announced with a big smile. "And Carlos gave me his helmet for my birthday. It's not my birthday for a week or seven days or something like that. But Carlos said it would keep me safer in case I fall down so I won't hurt my head." He paused and took a deep breath before he continued his rush of jumbled words. "Hey, Kendall and I were talking before you all came in." A troubled frown had suddenly settled over his previously cheery countenance, "When we go home tomorrow, where are you and Carlos going to stay, Jamie?"

James gave Kendall a small smile when he saw the pained expression on the older boy's face. "Well, I have good news, Logie."

"What?' Logan leaned forward, the helmet sliding down his face as he did so.

James quickly righted the head gear and explained. "Carlos and I are going to stay with Gustavo until our moms and dads can move here."

Kendall's mouth fell open and he stared at the others in disbelief. "Seriously?" He mouthed, so Logan couldn't hear him. When everyone nodded, he smiled. "That's really awesome, Gustavo." He said quietly. "It means a lot to all of us."

"It's nothing." Gustavo insisted, trying to brush off their thanks. But then Logan took his big hand in both of his and smiled shyly up at him.

"Thank you. You're a nice man for letting my friends stay with you." Logan tugged Gustavo forward and made him lean down so he could hug him.

Caught completely off guard by Logan's bravery since he had indeed been somewhat intimidated by him, Gustavo didn't move at first. But when Logan didn't let go right away he very gently gave him a light hug in return. "Well, you four are nice boys." He tried to explain as he stood up.

"Yes we are." Logan said seriously. "Do they get to move in with you tomorrow just like I get to go home tomorrow?"

"Unless they want to move in tonight." Gustavo looked over at Carlos and James who were already shaking their heads.

"Oh no, they can't do that." Logan shook his head as well. "They have to stay with me still because I don't want to be alone here."

"Oh." Gustavo nodded slowly. "That makes sense. They can just pack their stuff tomorrow then."

The smile returned to Logan's face. "Yup. One more day." Then he pointed over to the wheelchair in the corner of the room. "I get to ride that when I go home tomorrow. But I don't ride that all the way home because that would take a very long time. Jamie is going to push me in it until we get to my new mommy's car and then my new mommy will drive us all home."

"That sounds great." Kelly said with a smile. "I'll bake some cookies and bring them over as a welcome home present. How does that sound?"

"What kind of cookies?" Logan asked. "Because I don't like any jelly kinds."

Kelly's smile wavered but held. "What is your favorite?"

At her question Logan frowned in concentration. "I like peanut butter and chocolate-chip. But not together. I don't like peanut butter cookies with chocolate-chips in them. I like just plain peanut butter cookies and plain chocolate-chip cookies."

"Well then," Kelly said brightly. "I guess I'll have to make you both kinds."

"Really?" Logan said happily.

Kelly nodded. "Really. You deserve it."

"You're both real nice people." Logan grinned. "You should get married!"

James couldn't help it. He burst out laughing at Logan's idea and was grateful when the others, with the exception of a very embarrassed Kelly and Gustavo, joined in. It wasn't a small chuckle either. He laughed hard, ignoring how once again his ribs ached until tears crowded in his eyes. Then he caught his breath.

"Really!" Logan protested their laughter. "You're both nice people and you can be nice together and make people happy! He," He pointed at Gustavo rather than struggle with his name all over again. "He can let people stay in his big house and Kelly can bake them cookies!"

"Sounds good to me." Kendall said with a smirk. He put a hand on Kelly's shoulder. "Especially the cookie part."

Carlos elbowed Gustavo. "I bet Logan will help you pick out a ring." He teased.

Logan nodded. "Yeah!" He said eagerly. "But you have to wait until I don't have to use the wheelchair anymore. Then I can see the rings better because I'll be standing up. You'll wait, right?"

Gustavo had no choice but to nod. "Yeah sure." He muttered quickly. "I'll wait."

"Good." Logan sighed and leaned back again his pillows. Then his eyes lit up once again and he sat back up.

"Another question?" Gustavo asked nervously.

Logan nodded and held up two fingers. "Just one."

Carlos took Logan's hand and gently forced one of the fingers down. "This is one. Remember Logan?"

"Yeah. Now I do." Logan looked at Gustavo and Kelly. "I forget a lot." He explained. "But I'm gonna go to a doctor who will help me not forget so much. And then I'm gonna go to school and Kendall and Carlos and James will help me with my homework. And when I don't have school then Kendall promised me that he'll teach me _everything_. Right, Kendall?"

Kendall nodded as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Yup."

"Anyway," Logan looked back at Gustavo and Kelly, still holding up one finger. He made sure he had everyone's attention. "I have one more question."

"What is it?" Kelly asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

"Can I be in you wedding?"

**A/N. I'll just. . . be in my Weeping Corner if you need me. Because all of this stuff was kind of funny until you remember that Logan is sixteen. . . Review?**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N. I almost got stranded at work tonight. It snowed in the afternoon and the roads are an absolute nightmare. I am definitely sick. 'Tis the season. I have four more days of school and then over a month off. YAY! I don't own anything. Except the angst. Can I claim the angst? Who is gonna sue me? Lol. ANYWAY.**

It was hard to be sad when Logan was so ecstatic. James gripped the handles of the wheelchair tightly and held it in place as he watched Carlos and Kendall help their friend to the edge of the hospital bed.

"I'm dizzy." Logan stated, holding onto each of his friends. He smiled when he saw the worry on James' face. "Don't worry, Jamie. If I fall down I have Carlos' helmet." He let go of Carlos' arm to tap the headgear. Then he frowned. "Jamie, if you worry too much you're going to get gray hair. That's what your mommy always used to say when we were little, Carlos. Remember?"

Carlos laughed nervously as he tightened his grip Logan. "I sure do, Logan. She still tells me that sometimes. Are you ready to get down now?"

Logan nodded carefully and with Kendall and Carlos doing most of the work so he wouldn't have to put any weight on his broken leg, he finally settled into the wheelchair. "Let's go home!" He said excitedly.

"Are you okay with him, James?" Kendall asked quietly so Logan wouldn't overhear. He eyed James in concern who was gripping the wheelchair so tightly that it looked like his hands were permanently stuck to the handles.

James managed a short nod and tried to relax. "I'm fine." The words came out in a whisper, not because he was trying to keep Logan from hearing, but because it was all he could manage. He took a deep breath and spoke to Logan who was waiting impatiently. "Ready to go home, Logie?"

Logan sighed. "Yes. I wanna go home now. Please." He added as an afterthought.

"Okay." James put a smile on his white face for Logan's benefit and gave the wheelchair a gentle push to get it started. "Let's get you home where you belong then."

"Faster!" Logan exclaimed once they were out in the hallway. "You're going so slow, James!"

"He's just being careful." Kendall answered since James seemed incapable of speech. "Besides, we're not really allowed to go fast in here. We might not somebody down."

Logan frowned. "Well, I don't want anybody to get hurt." He said slowly. "So I guess you have to go slow, James."

"Sounds good to me." James finally said once he swallowed the lump in his throat. He put all of his concentration in steering the large chair around the corners and down the halls and past people and whatever other obstacles they faced. Like Logan, he just wanted to get out of the hospital into the fresh air.

The sun shone brightly and Logan shielded his eyes with his hands in front of his face. "It's too bright outside." He whined. "I don't like it. It makes my head hurt."

James bit his lip at the thought of Logan being in any sort of pain. Then he remembered something and withdrew a pair of sunglasses from the pocket of his light jacket. "Here, Logie. Put these on okay?"

Logan gratefully took the glasses from James and shoved them on his face so that they sat crookedly on his nose. "There." He said, completely satisfied with the new arrangement. "That's much better."

"You look great, Logan!" Carlos said with a grin. He gave Logan a thumbs up. "Very stylish."

"Just like James!" Logan said happily. Then he turned serious with another frown. "Well, not anymore." He gave James a disapproving stare.

James was the first to admit that he had let himself go a great deal since the accident, especially once Logan had woken up. For weeks he had only showered when absolutely necessary and even then he rarely took longer than ten minutes. He paused by the curb while they waited for Mrs. Knight to come by with the van and combed his fingers through his hair, not caring when it felt slightly greasy from lack of washing. It was tangled too and James tried not to think about how he hadn't seen his lucky comb since the day after the accident.

His parents were worried about him but not because of his hair or odd showering habits. Everyone was worried because James hadn't slept well for weeks and it was taking a toll on his health. Dark circles stood out on his pale face and even he could tell that he had lost an unhealthy amount of weight. But then so had Logan.

James glanced down at Logan who was, as usual, completely oblivious to the concern all around him. James was glad that Logan was at last leaving the hospital. It was a relief to see him in something other than the loose hospital gown but Mrs. Knight had needed to buy an entire new wardrobe for Logan because he hadn't taken well to the unappetizing hospital food and all of his old clothes practically fell off of his thin frame. The doctors had even talked about feeding him through a tube until Carlos at last managed to convince Logan that he needed to eat.

"Just wait until we get him home."

James looked up to see Kendall and Carlos both watching him and he knew right away that they were reading his mind. He nodded in response to Kendall's comforting statement and straightened up. "I know."

Carlos stepped forward and gave James a gentle nudge. "Think about it. Dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and fish sticks and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and corn dogs. All the real food he's been missing out on."

"Real food, huh?" James grinned at his friend. "I guess it's real compared to that pig slop they served him back in there."

Kendall laughed a little at his word choice. "I'd say you're being harsh but I don't think you are. That stuff just _looked_ horrible."

"She's here!" Logan ceased his friendly chatter to a small group of birds that were nesting in the tree nearby and tugged on Carlos' sleeve to get their attention. "See?" He pointed with his free hand to the can that had just arrived right in front of them.

"Okay, Logan." Carlos nodded to Kendall and the two positioned themselves in front of Logan. "Almost there."

The process of getting Logan from the chair and into the van was much more difficult than simply sliding him from the bed into the chair. The brace the still held Logan's right leg was heavy and it wasn't easy to support it. But to James' relief, they finally got Logan seated comfortably without hurting him.

"Let's go!" Logan bounced ever so slightly and smiled when Carlos climbed in beside him. "Are we almost there?"

Carlos shook his head. "Nope. We haven't even left yet, silly."

James climbed into the seat behind Carlos and Logan and let his head rest against the back of the seat. He closed his eyes and tried once against to relax. Riding in a car never got any easier. He felt Kendall's hand on his shoulder and tried to lift his head and smile gratefully at his friend but Logan's words stopped him.

"I'm scared." He said, shrinking against Carlos. "What is we have an accident?"

James' mouth fell open and he couldn't respond. Fortunately, Carlos and Kendall seemed to have Logan taken care of.

"It's okay, Logie." Kendall said quickly. "I'm sure we'll be fine. Let's play a game okay? This used to be one of my favorite games."

Logan glanced at Carlos who nodded encouragingly. "Okay. What kind of game?"

"The Alphabet Game." Kendall said dramatically, raising his eyebrows as he spoke.

Logan giggled. "You look funny when you do that, Kenny. Your eyebrows are so big! They're like. . ." His own brow creased in thought. "Not butterflies but the worms before they turn into pretty butterflies."

"Caterpillars." Carlos answered right away.

"Yeah!" Logan laughed again. "Like _The Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar. _Kendall, your eyebrows are like caterpillars."

Kendall had always hated it when people made fun of his abnormally large eyebrows. But he smiled at Logan's amusement and leaned forward. "You should name them then, Logan." He said, willing to try anything to distract Logan from his previous fear.

"Um. . ." Logan turned to stare at Kendall, or rather Kendall's eyebrows. "Sherlock and Holmes."

Carlos slapped a hand over his mouth, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. Then he sobered quickly and spoke to Logan. "Buddy, it's Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson."

"I know." Logan said glumly. "And poor Dr. Watson is just the sidekick. I'd feel bad if one of Kendall's eyebrows was just a sidekick since they're both big." He sighed and then brightened. "I have a better idea!"

"What's that?" James asked lightly. He too, welcomed any distraction.

"Manny and Ellie. Like the mammoths in that movie we watched the other day."

"_Ice Age_." Kendall self-consciously brushed his "wooly mammoths" and smiled at Logan. "Great idea. Want to hear my game now?"

"Oh yeah." Logan nodded. "Now."

Grateful to have the attention off of his eyebrows, Kendall grinned. "Okay. It's called the Alphabet Game. It helps you practice your ABCs." He pointed outside the window. "See all of those signs out there? You have to find every single letter in the alphabet."

"A!" Logan shouted.

"Great!" Kendall gave him a high-five. "Wow, Logan. You're quick!"

Seeing that Logan would at least be fine for the remainder of the car ride, James let his forehead rest on the back of the seat once again. It was easier when he didn't have to see everything going on around him. He breathed a deep sigh of relief when they pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex. Dimly he heard Carlos explaining to Logan how V came after U. Tears surprised him by springing to his eyes and he brushed them hurriedly away. "You're home, Logan!"

Logan grinned then waited impatiently to be eased from the van to the wheelchair. "I can't wait until I'm all better so that I don't have to wait anymore." He declared once he was safe and sound. "Come on, let's go. Can you go fast here, Jamie?"

"Better not, Logan." James said with forced cheerfulness. "Better safe than sorry." He flinched under Kendall's gaze and pushed Logan slightly ahead of the group. "I'll let you push the elevator button though, okay?"

"Okay." Logan sounded disappointed that he wouldn't be able to go fast but the idea of pushing any kind of button always cheered him up. They waited for everyone else to join them and then looked up at James for further instructions.

"The number four." James said clearly. "Do you remember what the number four looks like?"

Logan nodded eagerly and jammed the number four three times in quick succession before Carlos stopped him. "What would happen if we got stuck in here?" He asked curiously as the elevator moved upwards.

"Well, they would come get us out." Mrs. Knight smiled at him. The doors opened and she smiled again. "But we don't need to worry about that today."

"Good." Logan returned her smile. "That would be so boring if we got stuck don't you think?"

"It sure would." Mrs. Knight agreed. She unlocked the apartment door. "Katie, we're home!"

Logan's mouth fell open. "Wow! Look at all of the balloons!"

Katie walked up to them as they walked in and hugged Logan. "Hey! How are my two big brothers?" She waved her hand around the small apartment. "How do you like it? I decorated for you, Logan."

"For my birthday?" Logan asked her, still staring at the balloons and streamers.

"Well, and also because I'm just glad to have you back home." Katie told him with a tiny smile.

James carefully steered Logan over to the couch and lifted him out of the chair, surprised at how easy it was to hold him. "Here, Logan. You'll be more comfortable here." He glanced at the clock and frowned across the room to Carlos.

Carlos frowned too and then walked over to Logan. "Logan," He said, his voice shaking a little. "Guess what."

"What?" Logan leaned against the couch and stared at the balloons behind Carlos' head.

"James and I are going to go to our new home now." Carlos announced, trying to erase the sting of the words with a gentle delivery.

"But," Logan instantly looked away from the balloons and back and forth to Carlos and James. "But we just got here."

"I know, but our bus leaves soon and we have to get to Gustavo's house that way." James told him, trying to convince even himself that it was no big deal. "We'll come back tomorrow and bring Kelly's cookies. She couldn't come today because her car wasn't working."

"Well," Logan said sadly. "I guess you have to go. Kendall's going to stay with me isn't he?"

"Yup." Kendall joined Logan on the couch and cast the other two boys a sympathetic smile. "We get to share a room too. Don't worry, I'll take good care of you. I promise."

James had the feeling that Kendall was speaking more to reassure him and Carlos more than Logan and it worked just enough so that he leaned down to give Logan a hug. "Kendall's right, bud. Carlos and I will be back as soon as we can tomorrow okay?"

"Promise?" Logan whispered. His eyes turned suddenly bright with tears.

James felt like he was being punished. Seeing Logan upset was hard. "Of course we do. When you go to sleep, everything will go by quicker."

"But I'm used to all of us having a sleepover." Logan said tearfully. "I'll miss you."

"We'll miss you too, Logan." Carlos gave him a hug. "One day we'll all be back together, okay?"

"Okay." Logan sighed and reluctantly let go of James and Carlos. "You'll take care of each other right?"

"You bet." James nodded and wrapped an arm around Carlos, feeling like he was coming undone himself.

"Good. Because we need each other." Logan snugged closer to Kendall. "I'm glad to be home and I wish you could stay. But I can wait."

Kendall wrapped an arm around Logan and held him gently. "It'll be okay, Logie. I'll be here and James and Carlos will be here too even though they won't really."

"You're confusing." Logan mumbled sleepily into Kendall's shoulder. "But I'm really glad that you're my big brother. You make me feel safe."

**A/N. Okay. You'll have to wait for the next update because I have one more paper and one more test due on Sunday. Until then! Review?**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N. I feel like the last couple of chapters were lacking in true angst. I don't really like that. I love my angst. Besides, thirteen is an unlucky number right? Yeah. I don't own anything.**

James stared out the window of the bus at the darkening sky. All he wanted to do was tell the driver to pull over so he could leap out and run back to the apartment where the Knights and Logan were living. It felt so wrong being away from them, especially Logan. He had promised him that he would always be there and now it felt like he was already breaking that promise.

"Kendall will take care of him." Carlos said quietly. He leaned wearily against James and closed his eyes. "But I miss them too. At least we don't have to leave LA."

"Yeah." James shivered at the thought and pulled Carlos closer to him. "Not that I would have left anyway. I would have figured out something."

Carlos opened his eyes to look at James. "I know. Me too." He followed James' gaze out the window, both boys oblivious to the curious glances from the other passengers in the bus. "I'm glad we can stay with Gustavo though." A small smile crossed his face. "Remember when we first stayed at his mansion?"

A bittersweet feeling came over James at the memory. "How could I forget? We destroyed the place and thought Gustavo was going to kill us. Mama K and Katie sure saved the day."

"I miss those days." Carlos admitted wistfully. "I miss Logan. I know that underneath everything he's still the same person and I love him no matter what. But it's hard seeing him so helpless. It's scary." When James didn't answer him right away, Carlos looked back at his friend. "I'm sorry."

James blinked back the burning tears and tried to smile. "It's okay, Carlos. I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I laugh at the things he says but then I remember that he shouldn't be talking like that. It hurts."

The bus pulled to a stop and Carlos tugged on James' arm. "This is Gustavo's street." He told James as they stood up. "Let's go." The night air was unusually chilly and the boys shivered and walked quickly down the street to the mansion.

Gustavo let them in and immediately led them upstairs and down the hallway to a room. "I thought Carlos could stay here." He began to tell them.

"Meaning we're in different rooms?" Carlos couldn't erase the trace of nervousness and fear in his voice as he spoke. "I mean-"

"You can stay in the same room if you'd rather." Gustavo looked uncomfortable when he saw how vulnerable they both were. He nodded to another closed door. "That room has two beds in it."

"That's perfect." James said in relief. Then, sensing that Gustavo was feeling more than a little awkward with them he thanked him and led Carlos across the hallway.

The room was large but fairly simple in comparison to the rest of the room. Two full-sized beds took up a side of the room each and he dragged his suitcase over to one of the dressers. "I think I'll unpack tomorrow." He said with a yawn. "I'm tired."

Carlos nodded and mimicked his actions. He didn't even bother to change out of his sweatpants and comfortable T-shirt and crawled underneath the covers. It wasn't even 8:00 at night but both of them were exhausted. "Good night, James."

James sighed and laid down on his own bed, feeling alone despite the fact that Carlos was so close. "Night, Carlos."

Carlos read the tone of his voice right away and before James could blink, the younger boy had joined him. "You don't mind do you?" He asked, innocently pretending that it was he who was so pathetically lonely.

"No." James shook his head quickly and shifted just slightly so that Carlos had more room. He was quiet for a while and so was Carlos. "Thanks." He finally whispered into the darkness of the room.

Carlos didn't reply but moved closer to James, determined to hold back tears and stay strong for his friend's sake. He felt himself relax when James didn't try to move away from him again and closing his eyes, he drifted off into a light sleep.

James felt wide awake and exhausted at the same time. Even though his eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the room he could only make out a few dim shapes around him. He let his gaze wander around the room as he identified each object. The dressers, the closet, the other bed, their suitcases, Carlos, the window, the desks and chairs. By distracting himself he felt his weariness begin to overtake everything else and gradually, his eyes grew impossibly heavy and he too, fell asleep.

* * *

"I miss Carlos and James." Logan told Kendall as the older boy lifted him from the couch and began to carry him to the bedroom.

"They'll be back tomorrow." Kendall assured him. He walked slowly, so as not to jostle Logan, and carefully eased through the narrow doorway. He breathed a sigh of relief when Logan simply tightened his grip around his neck and seemed otherwise unaffected by all the movement. Then he lowered Logan into his bed and pulled the covers up.

"Will they be here when I wake up?" Logan asked him as he laid his head onto the pillow and stared up at Kendall hopefully/

"If they aren't then they'll be here soon after, okay?" Kendall sat on the edge of the bed and gave Logan a smile. "How does that sound?"

Logan frowned. "Well, I want them to be here right when I wake up but I guess I have to wait, huh?"

"Maybe, but not for long." Kendall patted Logan on the shoulder and stood up. "Get some sleep, okay?"

"You'll be here with me, right?" Logan was suddenly anxious.

"Always." Kendall said firmly. He crossed the room and sat down on his own bed. "See? I'll be right over here if you need me."

"Promise?" Logan's eyes fluttered shut but he was still awake and waiting for an answer.

"Promise." Kendall laid down and watched as Logan's breathing grew even and steady until he was sound asleep. Then he buried his face into his pillow, desperate to muffle the sobs. He couldn't let Logan see how much everything hurt him. He had to be strong for Logan and for everyone else.

But it was getting harder instead of easier. Logan's complete dependence was completely new to all of them and it terrified Kendall to see such a dramatic change in someone who had once been so independent.

_At least he's alive._ The thought went through Kendall's mind on numerous occasions throughout each day and it reminded him to be grateful. What if Logan had died? As much as he wanted to avoid thinking about that, Kendall couldn't help himself. They had all been best friends for the majority of their lives. Would the three of them be able to go on without Logan? Kendall hoped he would never have to find out.

Logan was home. Sure, it was a new and different home. Sure it was small and he missed having Carlos and James nearby. But it was better than practically living at the hospital while they kept Logan company. They didn't have doctors and nurses interrupting them every fifteen minutes. It was just Kendall and Logan and one day they would have Carlos and James with them. They would be complete.

He would never forget the phone call he got while he and Carlos were at Rocque Records. He would never forget the way his mother sounded on the phone as she told him that there had been a terrible accident involving James and Logan. He remembered as clearly as if it had happened the day before, the agony of waiting for her to come take them to the hospital and the agony of waiting to see James and then the torturous agony of waiting for Logan.

Kendall would also always remember the hope that had surged through him when the hospital called to say that Logan was waking up. The hope had filled him and left no room for any apprehension. He had forgotten that the doctors had warned them about Logan's grave condition. He only knew that he could finally be getting his best friend back.

Then the hope that had soared impossibly high came crashing down. Kendall remembered how they had rushed into Logan's hospital room to find a distraught Logan and. . . Kendall tried to think of a word that fit James. "Shock" didn't quite work but it was the best he could do. He remembered not knowing what to think or say until Logan started talking and crying all over again.

He didn't really know how he managed to keep himself together. He only knew that he had done it for Logan's sake and even though he barely made it until Logan fell asleep, he hadn't fallen apart until it was safe. He couldn't let Logan know how absolutely terrified he was. Logan depended on him to be strong and brave and Kendall was determined to be whatever he needed.

But when Logan was asleep, Kendall allowed himself to break. He knew that he wasn't strong enough to keep up the act constantly so he let his vulnerability show when it wouldn't affect Logan. Tears burned his eyes and fell, soaking into his pillow. His shoulders shook silently and he felt like the grief and the fear were literally tearing him into pieces. His heart ached for the way things used to be when Logan was his typical genius self and Carlos was crazy and reckless and James wasn't dying from the guilt that weighed heavily on him. He wanted things to be normal again.

Just then, Kendall's sharp hearing caught a sound from the other side of the room. Instantly, his tears ceased and he held his breath, listening. It came again and Kendall nearly fell out of his bed in his rush to reach Logan.

Logan was crying in his sleep. His whole body was shaking from fear and every once in a while he would mutter something unintelligible and he would flinch as if someone was hurting him and he couldn't escape.

Kendall laid a hand on Logan's shoulder and gave him a gentle shake. "Logan. Buddy, wake up. You're having a bad dream." But Logan didn't respond. Instead, he continued to tremble, his incoherent pleas rising slightly in volume. Kendall, desperate, tried again, shaking him even harder this time. Logan's eyes suddenly snapped open and Kendall breathed a sigh of relief. "Logan." He whispered.

Logan began to cry. "I had a bad dream." He managed to gasp out in between sobs. His fingers wound themselves tightly into the fabric of Kendall's shirt and he clung to him tightly.

Kendall eased himself down on the bed beside Logan and wrapped his arms protectively around the younger boy. "Shhh." He murmured. "It's okay. You're awake now." He ran his hand up and down Logan's back as his mind raced, trying to think of what else he could do to comfort him. "It's over, Logie. I've got you."

"There were monsters." Logan whimpered, his face pressed tightly into Kendall's chest like he was trying to hide. "They wanted to eat me. I want my mommy and daddy, Kendall. Why did they have to go to Heaven? I want them here!"

His words were like salt to Kendall's open wounds. But they made sense because Kendall knew it was too good to be true to have Logan accept his parents' deaths so easily. He knew that there would be moments like this where he could only do so much and it wasn't enough. He wanted to say something to Logan so badly but he could think of nothing. He tried to think of what his own mother used to say to him when he was little and dreamed of monsters. "It was just a dream, Logan. You're okay now and everything is going to be okay."

Logan's sobs finally quieted and he looked up at Kendall, his tear stained face illuminated by the glow of the nightlight in the corner of the room. "You won't let the monsters get me will you?" He whispered.

"Never." Kendall promised, pulling Logan closer. "I promise. I'll protect you." He felt Logan begin to relax against him and his own panicked breathing began to slow down.

"I'm afraid to go back to sleep." Logan confessed. "What if the monsters come back?"

"They won't." Kendall assured him. "I'll stay right here, okay? I won't let them come back."

To his surprise, Logan smiled a little and then he actually laughed. "Are the monsters afraid of you?" He asked.

Kendall smiled for Logan's benefit. "They sure are. They're afraid of me and my big eyebrows."

"Manny and Ellie." Logan corrected sleepily. His fingers relaxed their hold on Kendall's shirt and he let his head rest on Kendall's chest. "If I was a monster I'd be scared too. But you're a nice person, Kendall. You'll keep me safe because you always have."

For a time, Kendall almost lost his control with Logan right beside him. He hadn't always kept his friends safe. If that was true then none of this would have happened. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. "I do my best." He finally said.

"You're great at it." Logan mumbled. "That's why your last name is Knight because you're a knight and you keep everyone safe from dragons and other monsters."

"Go to sleep, Logie." Kendall told him. "In the morning, James and Carlos will be here and we can eat Kelly's cookies and watch a movie or something."

"You'll keep the monsters away?"

"Always." Kendall promised. His hand never stopped rubbing Logan's back and he could feel the tension easing away. "I'll stay here tonight and I won't move. I'll keep the monsters away and I'll be here when you wake up okay?"

"Thank you, Kendall." Logan found Kendall's free hand and held onto it tightly.

Kendall remembered how he and his mother had often found themselves in the same position when he was little and had bad dreams. He gave Logan's hand a small squeeze and shifted into a more comfortable position, being careful not to jostle Logan. "That's what big brothers are for."

Logan didn't answer him and when Kendall glanced down, he saw that Logan was fast asleep, a small smile of contentment on his face. Kendall shut his eyes but he didn't fall asleep. He laid there, holding onto Logan, afraid that he would have another bad dream and then question why Kendall hadn't taken care of him.

But part of him knew that if Logan did have another nightmare he would be okay as long as Kendall didn't leave his side. That was the way Kendall had felt as a little boy. As long as he was in his mother's arms, the monsters couldn't harm him even if they did come back. He only wished that someone could save him from the nightmare that his own life had become.

**A/N. I think it's safe to say that my angst break is over. Review?**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N. Oh my gosh an update! Lol. It'll be interesting to see if the reviews come back, it's been so long. I'm sorry. I'll try not to neglect this anymore. Believe it or not I still don't own anything even after all this time.**

James picked at the BLT set in front of him. He felt several pairs of eyes staring at him in concern and blushed uncomfortably. "I'm not that hungry." He said before anyone could criticize his full plate.

"James honey, whether you're hungry or not, I'd feel better if you ate something. You're too thin." Mrs. Diamond frowned worriedly as she watched her son. There were dark hollows underneath his eyes and his cheeks were beginning to sink in. "Just half then."

"I don't want to be here." James' voice was hoarse from the lack of sleep he had been getting but he still managed to put some force behind the words. As he spoke though, he shoved a piece of the sandwich in his mouth and chewed quickly, hoping that if he did as his mother asked then he could leave the restaurant.

His parents were leaving with Carlos' parents on a plane back to Minnesota that afternoon. James was grateful that they were letting them stay with the Knights and Logan but he didn't appreciate the fact that his parents felt it necessary to take him out for an early lunch before they said goodbye. He just wanted to be with Logan.

"Are you sleeping?" His father asked in concern.

James merely shrugged as he forced more food down his throat in a hard swallow. "I've always had trouble sleeping, you know that." He answered evasively.

"Well then is Gustavo giving you anything to eat over at his mansion?"

Anger flared up inside of James and he displayed a rare show of emotion. "Do you seriously think he'd starve us?" He asked in defense of the older man. "I just haven't been hungry. How do you expect me to eat and sleep like everything is okay and I didn't screw everything up?"

"James, calm down-"

"I can't calm down, Dad. Can't you see that? This whole thing is my fault and I'll never forgive myself. I deserve everything bad that happens to me from now on. But don't blame Gustavo or anyone else because I'm not eating or sleeping. I don't want to be here right now. I want to be with Logan. I should be with Logan. I'm responsible for what happened to him and I need to take care of him." Tears wet James' eyes but didn't fall. He sensed that his rising voice was catching the attention of everyone is the restaurant so he bit his lip and fell silent.

His mother and father exchanged glances with one another and then both looked at him. "James, maybe it's best that you come back to Minnesota after all. We want to be able to keep an eye on you and it might be best if we got you some help." Mr. Diamond tried to bring up the subject of counseling as delicately as possible but it didn't work.

"We've been through this already." James crossed his arms and folded them over his chest. "I cannot and I will not leave Logan unless he tells me he doesn't want me here with him."

"Honey, Logan isn't going to tell you that." James' mother reached over and touched him on the shoulder, keeping her hand steady when he flinched at the touch.

"You're right, he won't. That's because he doesn't realize what I did to him." James' stubbornness was exchanged for vulnerability. He briefly covered his face with his hands in an attempt to pull himself together. "Part of me wishes that he hated me as long as he was okay." He was losing the struggle so he looked back up at his parents. "Can we please leave?"

But his father was where he got his stubbornness from. "James, please just eat a little more. I'll call the waiter over and have him bring us our check but I want you to eat a little bit before we leave."

A deep frown passed over James' face but he complied with the half request, half order. TheBLT tasted plastic and he gagged slightly before washing it down with the rest of his water. But he managed to eat enough to satisfy his parents and when the check came his father paid right away. He stood up so fast that his chair was nearly knocked over and then James practically ran for the door.

Outside, his father flags down a taxi and the three of them get in. James is being dropped off at the Knight's apartment where everyone else already is and after that his parents are headed to the airport where their luggage is already waiting for their flight back to Minnesota.

Even though he wasn't sure when he would see them again, James couldn't bring himself to engage in conversation with his mother and father. He knew that all they would want to talk about is him moving back to Minnesota or at least finding a counselor. James was afraid of saying something he might later regret so he chose not to say anything.

However, when they reached the apartment, James realized that he had to say goodbye to his parents and to his dismay, his eyes filled with tears. "I'll miss you." He relented as he gave each of them hugs. "But I'll call okay?"

"And we'll call you." Mrs. Diamond hugged James close to her. "Every day. We'll be back as soon as we can." None of them knew when that would be but they could still hope that it would be soon.

James got out of the taxi and waved one last time before he turned to head into the apartment. The lobby was strangely deserted and he shivered a little as he made his way to the elevator. Already, he felt so alone. However, he began to feel somewhat apprehensive when he got out onto fourth floor because it seemed like everyone in the hotel was standing in the hallway. His heat thudded loudly in his chest as he hurried to the room.

The door was wide open and James rushed in. "What's wrong?" He demanded in a panicked voice. He could see everyone, including Logan, in the small kitchen and they all appeared to be in one piece but he couldn't relax until he knew for sure.

"We're fine, James." Carlos tried to give his friend a smile but it was shaky. "Logan just. . . um, got upset."

"Logie?" James forgot about everyone else and dropped to his knees beside Logan's wheelchair, taking in the distressed expression on his face. "Buddy, what's the matter?"

Logan's face was streaked with tears but he brightened considerably when he saw James. "I missed you." He said right away. "You were late today. Carlos came and you didn't."

The guilt inside of James increased and he swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, Logan." He whispered. "I had to go out to lunch with my mom and dad before they went back to Minnesota. I'm here now."

"I missed you." Logan repeated, his eyes filling with tears. "Why do you and Carlos have to leave every night?"

If only he could understand that leaving every night was better than leaving and never coming back. James had no answer so he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Logan, thankful when he wasn't rejected. "Don't cry, Logan. Everyone is here."

"Good." Logan said with a sigh. "I wish you would stop leaving me."

James backed away and stood up. "Me too, Logie." He said softly before turning to Kendall. "What happened?" He asked in a quiet whisper so that Logan wouldn't hear him.

Fortunately, Carlos seemed to realize that his friends needed some privacy so he gripped the handles of Logan's wheelchair and turned it around. "Come on, Logie. Let's go find something to watch on TV until Kendall and James can play a game with us."

Mrs. Knight gave Kendall a warning look and then nodded to a well dressed man that James just noticed standing nearby. "I'm going to talk to Mr. Horton and see if we can get things straightened out. Katie, go with Carlos and Logan."

James watched as the two adults left the apartment and closed the door behind them, shutting out the curious voices coming from out in the hall. He watched as Katie turned to follow the other two boys and then he nervously watched Kendall. "Well?"

Kendall looked pale and exhausted. He also looked angry and resentful. "Well what, James?" He asked in an irritated voice.

"What. . . what really happened?" James cringed under the glare being sent his way and stared down at his shoes.

"Just what Carlos said. He showed up a little over an hour ago and Logan was happy for about ten minutes until he realized you weren't there. When Carlos told him where you were he got upset because he thought you'd rather go out with your parents than hang out with him." Kendall paced around the room, tearing at his hair.

James was stunned at first. "B-but. . ." He stuttered, at a loss for words. "I couldn't really help that. My parents were leaving and. . . of course I'd rather be here with him but they were leaving and they wanted to talk to me. I-"

"I know that." Kendall insisted, interrupting him. "In fact, the only person who can't understand that is Logan. You need to know that, James. He's different now thanks to-" Kendall stopped and glanced in the general direction of the family room where they could hear Logan's laughter.

_Thanks to me. _James felt sick. He knew it was his fault and he blamed himself entirely. But despite all that, his friends and family didn't hate him. Or at least, they hadn't hated him. Were things changing? It had been a week since Logan was released from the hospital. They were all struggling to adjust to Logan's needs and James knew it wasn't easy. But he also wasn't there all the time, like at night. Once glance at the Knights' tired faces and it was obvious that there were a lot of problems then.

"Anyway," Kendall said, obviously trying to cover for his slip-up. "Logan wasn't happy at all. He freaked."

James forgot about Kendall's slip-up and gulped. "Freaked? Like how?"

Kendall sighed. "Like he started crying and basically threw a tempter tantrum okay? Bad enough to to have the manager come up and tell us he got six calls from, our "neighbors" complaining about a "disturbance". It was bad, James."

"I'm . . . sorry." James muttered, feeling tears come to his eyes and the reminder of how helpless they all were.

Kendall sighed again. "It's not like you could help it today. Just. . . make sure it doesn't happen again okay, James? Or at least try? Logan needs you and you're gone enough as it is."

The words were harsh and James flinched. "I'm here as much as I can be." He said meekly. "I only go back to Gustavo's because-"

"That's just it though, James!" Kendall snapped suddenly. "You're here when Logan is at his best. But you're not here when he needs you the most. You aren't here when he has nightmares and cries for his parents every single night. You aren't here when he wants to know why people stare at him when we go down for our free continental breakfast every morning. And you weren't here when that idiot of a hotel manger came in and told him to keep it down because the other idiots down the hall are trying to relax." Kendall was shaking with fury. The emotions of the hard week were overcoming him as he continued to talk without thinking about what he was saying. "It's only me and my mom and Katie who have to deal with it. Do you even know what it's like?"

The tears in James' eyes overflowed and slid slowly down his pale face. "Kendall-"

"No, you don't. Don't even try to pretend that you know what it's like. Try spending one night here and then tell him what you think. But until then stop pretending."

"Kendall, I can't!" James was desperate for understanding. "I'm only at Gustavo's because there's nowhere for me and Carlos to stay here. You know that."

But Kendall didn't back down. He delivered the final blow as he moved to leave the kitchen to join his friends and Katie. "You're right about that, James. But you know what? None of this would have ever happened if you hadn't been so stupid."

At first all James could do was watch as Kendall left the kitchen. He stood motionless in the middle of the floor as he absorbed Kendall's words. They had cut through him like a sharp knife and he could barely think over the pain. Kendall blamed him. It made sense, it really did. Everything Kendall had said was one hundred percent true. But at the same time, something inside of James, perhaps it was his heart, died a little bit. His fault. It was all his fault.

It was then that James began to slip off the edge.

**A/N. Oh my, this was so short. I'm sorry. But yeah, this is the surprise I mentioned in C8 of 'September'. An update lol. YAY! Um, so now I'll probably take turns between my two stories but I also have school going on so we'll see. Please review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N. This is where it gets really angsty. Because. . . it hasn't been that bad yet, right? Haha. Anyway, I don't own anything.**

It had been two weeks since Kendall had snapped at James and blamed him for everything that happened. Since then they hadn't really spoken to each other that much. Kendall continued to suffer from the intense pressure of learning to care for Logan. He had grown cold and distant to his once close friend, pushing him away, even though a part of his subconscious kept warning him that he was making a terrible mistake. With the exception of Logan, Kendall's treatment of James was obvious to everyone but he refused to listen to their advice.

"Every time I look at him, it hurts worse." Kendall glared at Carlos. "It was his fault, Carlos. Don't try to defend him. He could have _killed _Logan."

"But he didn't do it on purpose!" Carlos snapped back. "He made a mistake, Kendall. Nobody is perfect, not even you. Can't you see you're just making things worse?"

Kendall snorted in disgust. "No, because I'm a little busy taking care of Logan to care about James. I already told James that you guys are only here when Logan is at his best. At night after you leave, it's a whole different story. He cries when you leave and then he cries about his mom and dad and sometimes he even has nightmares. Do you have any idea what it's like to tell your sixteen year old best friend that there are no monsters under his bed or in the closet? No. Because while I'm doing that, you and James are sleeping soundly in your king beds at Gustavo's-"

"Shut up." Carlos said quietly. "Just shut up, Kendall. Do you think we like being away from Logan? We both hate it but this is the way it has to be for now. At least we didn't go back to Minnesota the way our parents wanted us to. Let me ask you a question now. Do you have any idea what it's like to listen to James cry himself to sleep every single night? Do you know what it's like to care about him and see that he's been wasting away ever since you told him it was his fault?"

"It was his fault." Kendall replied sullenly.

Carlos rolled his eyes. "I think if I didn't know that before, I would know it by now since you have to remind everyone at least twice a day. But Kendall, we all know that and we don't need you to remind us. James doesn't need to hear it from you. He needs you to be his friend. He's _scaring _me, Kendall."

At the sight of tears in his younger friend's eyes, Kendall's anger faded a little bit. "What do you mean?" He asked uncertainly.

"What do I mean? He's not sleeping, he's not eating and. . ." Carlos trailed off and threw his arms up in a helpless gesture of frustration. "He's not right, Kendall. Sometimes I think that he's worse off than Logan."

But that was the wrong thing to say because the sympathy and concern in Kendall's eyes vanished instantly. "Worse off than Logan? Seriously, Carlos? There's nothing wrong with James. If he wanted to he could go anywhere in this city and find a record deal. But Logan? He doesn't have a future anymore."

"You're such a jerk." Carlos said angrily. "You gave on on both of them didn't you?" He shook his head when Kendall opened his mouth to speak. "Logan could get better." He said quietly. "Sure he might never be the person he once was but. . . he could get better. It's going to take more time than a few weeks though. James though. . . this is why I'm scared for him, Kendall. We've always depended on each other to help us get through crap in our lives. James doesn't have you anymore and he really needs you. We all need you."

For a second, Carlos hoped he made it through to Kendall. A flicker of guilt passed over Kendall's face but it was only a flicker and then he had the hard mask back on. "Logan needs me." He muttered quietly. "Speaking of Logan we left him alone with James." He raised his voice slightly as they made their way back from the kitchen to the living room where James sat with Logan.

One look at James and it was obvious that he had overheard Kendall's last words. Tears brightened his eyes but he wouldn't let Logan see that he was upset. Instead he bent further over the puzzle they were working on together and handed Logan one of the bigger pieces. "Where do you think this one goes, Logan?" He asked patiently.

Logan's brow furrowed in concentration as he studied the piece and the board intently. "Here?"

The sadness in James' eyes was lifted a little as he smiled broadly. "Yup, that's it! Great job."

Kendall watched them for another minute before walking over to Logan and sitting down stiffly. "Here, Logan. Lunch."

"Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets!" Carlos said enthusiastically. "James loves these." As he spoke, he shoved a plate over to James.

"Look!" Logan said, oblivious to Carlos' concern. "It's a T-Rex, Carlos!" In an action that mirrored what Carlos and James used to do, Logan marched his food over to Carlos' plate and pretended to attack what was on there.

Carlos laughed but it was a hollow sound that made James and Kendall both wince. "Eat, Logie. You too, James."

"Can't I eat too?" Kendall asked, joking for Logan's sake. He watched as a grin spread across Logan's face and pouted to add to the effect. "Please? Haven't I been a good boy?"

"Go ahead and eat." Carlos rolled his eyes at Logan, making the other boy laugh.

James picked at the food with little interest. He felt Kendall's gaze on him and looked up warily. The green eyes that stared back at him didn't hold a trace of friendliness, only resentment. As James continued to watch, the blonde muttered words that only the two of them could hear.

"Don't you get enough attention without starving yourself?"

The words cut through James in the same way that they had been for two weeks now. It was like a sharp knife, slicing and stabbing and. . . "I have to use the bathroom." James muttered. He stood up and practically ran out of the room, taking his plate with him. He dumped the chicken nuggets in the trash can and set the plate in the sink then walked straight to the bathroom.

He made sure the door was closed and then James dug deep in his jeans pocket. He withdrew his pocket knife and pulled up his long sleeve. James grimaced at the ugly scars that stood out against his pale skin. _Stupid_, _idiotic, worthless, selfish, screw-up, jerk. _With each name that crossed through James' mind, he dragged the blade across an unharmed patch of skin and watched in a sick sort of relief as a line of red appeared.

"James?"

Kendall's voice startled James and he nearly dropped the knife. He steadied himself and grabbed a wad of tissues to stop the blood from oozing out of the numerous cuts. "Y-yeah?" He asked shakily.

A sigh came from the other side of the door and Kendall was silent for a few long seconds before he answered. "We need to talk." He said in a quiet defeated voice.

James was so used to having Kendall speak to him with malice in his voice that he couldn't recognize the regret and sorrow in the four words. "W-what did you s-say?" He stammered.

"I said we need to talk. Are. . . are you okay? You sound funny."

Panic slammed into James. "I'm fine!" He yelled much louder than he intended to. He slapped his free hand over his mouth, startled at how horrible he sounded. He sounded like he was crying. Then James felt the tears running down his face and he realized that he was crying after all.

"Why is Jamie sad?"

Logan's voice came then and made James' tears run faster. The tissues he held to his arm fell to the floor as he wrapped his bloodied arms around himself and cried hard. He tried desperately to muffle the sound of his sobs so that Logan at least wouldn't hear him but he could tell right away that it was too late.

"Why is he crying?" The doorknob rattled as Logan shook it. 'Jamie, don't cry! It's okay." The door jerked wildly as Logan tried to open it. "He's hurt, Kendall! Open the door!"

"J-James? Are you hurt?" Kendall sounded scared now. "Listen James, I'm sorry. I just-"

"Don't apologize on the other side of the door!" Carlos snapped. "Face-to-face, Kendall!"

"I'm not hurt!" James said quickly. He took a deep breath, steadying himself. "I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute."

There was complete silence for three seconds and James thought he had fooled them. But then Kendall spoke again and though there was no anger in the words, it still scared James. "I don't believe you. Open the door now or I'm coming in."

James couldn't move. He sat frozen on the edge of the bathtub. There was no way he could hide what he had just done. His bare arms were exposed, bleeding and scarred. The tissues, stained with red lay all over the floor in front of him. James couldn't even speak so he wasn't surprised when he heard the lock click from the outside.

The door swung open. Kendall's gaze found James, his expression going from worried to horrified in a split second. "James," He said in a faint whisper, gripping the doorknob tightly.

At first neither of them moved. But then Logan ducked under Kendall's arm, moving clumsily with the new walking boot he had been given a few days ago and stared with wide-eyes. "Kendall!" He turned and yelled straight at Kendall who was still frozen. "Kendall, James is bleeding! You have to help him! Get him Band-Aids! He needs you!"

Then Kendall moved. He moved so fast that James would have missed him if he had blinked. In an instant he was kneeling on the floor by James, pressing a wet rag to James' cuts. "Carlos, take care of Logan." He said, without taking his eyes off of James. "James. . . James, I'm so sorry."

James' shoulders shook and he bent his head down to the floor, too ashamed to look at Kendall. The burning in his eyes was nothing compared to the burning in his arms. The damp cloth stung his cuts painfully but he didn't care. He deserved the pain.

Kendall frowned and lifted the washcloth slightly to see that the bleeding had nearly stopped. He heaved a sigh of relief and then pulled James to his feet. "Come on. I have some bandages in my room." He wrapped a supportive arm around his shaking friend and led him away from the bloody mess in the bathroom.

They walked past Carlos trying to comfort Logan in the kitchen and headed straight to Kendall's and Logan's bedroom. Kendall gently pushed James down on his bed and then opened up the closest doors, searching for Logan's old first aid kit.

James could barely hear anything over the roaring in his ears and the painful thumping of his heart. He was terrified. He was terrified that Kendall was going to yell at him for doing something so stupid. He couldn't believe that his secret had been discovered. What would they all think of him now? What were his parents going to say? Then James heard something over all the other sounds: Kendall was crying.

"James, I'm so freaking sorry." Kendall knelt in front of his friend with a bottle of cream in one hand and a roll of cloth bandages in the other. He gripped James by the wrist then where his wasn't hurt and pulled his arm away from him. He could barely see through the tears streaming down his face but he managed to dab the anti-infection cream on each cut before wrapping them up. Then he pulled James into a tight hug.

James started at the unexpected contact. He felt Kendall shaking against him but he was in too great of a shock to do anything right away. He started crying too but it wasn't the violent sobs that were shaking Kendall. "Kendall," He whimpered, helpless. _Pathetic. Weak. Crybaby. _His inner voice sneered at him. "I'm sorry, Kendall. It's my-"

"Shhh." Kendall soothed. He rubbed a shaking hand up and down James' back. "Don't say that. Don't say that anymore. James, you made a mistake. I'm the one who was stupid for treating you like I have been. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take the past two weeks back and start all over."

James drew away and covered his face with his hands. "All I do is mess things up now." He whispered. "Look at me! I don't blame you for hating me!" He flung out his arms, displaying the white bandages that practically covered the upper arms.

"I- I don't hate you." Kendall winced at the sight. Even though it wasn't nearly as terrifying as seeing James bleeding, it was still a harsh reminder of the damage his words had done. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I was wrong, okay? I messed things up this time. It's my fault. James. . . I don't hate you at all. I love you. You're one of my best friends and brothers. I should have never said what I did. I should have never treated you the way I did."

"Yes." James insisted. "You were right. I deserved all of it."

But Kendall shook his head stubbornly. "No, James. You don't. No one deserves the crap you took from me. I should have been helping you, not making things worse. Has this been going on ever since I told you that you were stupid?"

James nodded reluctantly. "It made sense to me." He whispered.

There was a sound at the door and Carlos walked in slowly. He handed Kendall his cell phone. "Your mom just called. I just missed the call because I couldn't find your phone" He paused from leaving to stare in concern at his two friends and then a small smile crossed his face and gave both of them quick hugs before leaving. "Don't let me interrupt anything!" He called over his shoulder.

In spite of the tears that still stood in Kendall's eyes he couldn't help but laugh a little. "Thanks, Carlos!" Then he wrapped an arm around James' shoulders. "James, you made a mistake but I think I was even stupider than you were. I drove you to. . ." His eyes strayed to stare sadly at James' arms. "I drove you to do _that_. I'm really sorry, James."

"It's fine." James said quietly.

Kendall shook his head. "No, James. It's not fine at all. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you."

James hesitated but spoke anyway. "There is."

"Anything." Kendall assured him, tightening his grip.

Tears stung James' eyes but didn't fall again. "I want you to be my friend again." He confessed, bracing himself for rejection.

But Kendall didn't push him away. Instead he drew him even closer. "Always. Just don't. . . don't hurt yourself anymore, okay?"

That would be easy to do. James was just glad he had his best friend back. He opened his mouth the promise Kendall that he would never ever cut himself again but the words never came. He was cut off by a scream.

"Carlos!" Kendall stood up so fast that James nearly fell off the bed. He reached out and steadied his friend and then the two of them bolted out of the bedroom and down the hall to where the scream came from.

The bathroom. Kendall stopped so suddenly that James ran straight into him. Carlos was kneeling on the floor, crying hysterically. "I. . . I just left. . . him for a minute!" He sobbed. "J-just to give you your phone, Kendall."

James couldn't breath. He fell to the floor, only vaguely registering the fact that Kendall was calling 911 and yelling frantically at the operator. Logan. Logan was laying motionless on the bathroom floor, his face white as the tiles. But the tiles weren't white anymore. They were stained red with Logan's blood that streamed from a deep cut in his arm, James' pocket knife held tightly in his hand.

**A/N. Angst attack. -dead- Review?**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N. I love writing cliffhangers. Have I ever mentioned that? However, I absolutely hate reading them because I don't know what happens. So I know how you've been feeling and wrote this chapter as quickly as I could. Hope you all enjoy it and that you don't hate me too much! I don't own anything.**

It was happening all over again. James' whole world came undone the second he saw Carlos kneeling over an unresponsive Logan. He was thankful that Kendall had enough sense in him to rip his cell phone out of his pocket and dial 911 because he couldn't think for himself much less Logan. He fell to his knees next to Carlos and grasped Logan by the shoulder, giving him a gentle shake. "Logan," he whispered, fear drying his throat and making it impossible to speak any louder. "Logan, wake up." Then he felt himself being shoved aside by Kendall.

"Move!" Kendall ordered James and Carlos firmly. Carlos was past reasoning, completely hysterical with fear. James was just frozen. They both moved away from Logan's body in robotic motions, never moving their eyes away from the horrible sight. Kendall ripped a bath towel from where it was hanging by the door and pressed it to the open wound on Logan's arm. His hands trembled violently but he kept the towel in place in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding.

The singular cut was deep, too deep. The blood soaked through the towel in a frighteningly short amount of time and Kendall's calm wavered and was beginning to falter altogether when the door was slammed open and a group of paramedics flooded the small bathroom.

"We got him, kid." One of the men said gently. He removed Kendall's hands away from the blood soaked towel and then the towel from Logan's arm, quickly replacing it with a thick gauze. "You did good."

Kendall knew that the words were a compliment, praise for taking care of Logan. But none of that mattered when Logan's life was still hanging in the balance. He backed away as the EMTs laid Logan out on a stretcher, careful not to jostle his broken leg. "Careful." He croaked out. "He. . . his head." He didn't know how to finish the sentence but though the EMTs gave him curious glances, they were much more focused on Logan.

"We'll be taking him to Lakewood General. You guys know where that is?" One of the men asked as they lifted the stretcher up and moved quickly but carefully out of the room.

"Yeah." Kendall answered, still staring at Logan's face. They knew all too well where the hospital was located. They never wanted to go back. "Come on." He mumbled to Carlos and James. He gripped Carlos' elbow and pulled the younger boy to his feet, holding tightly to him when he felt him sway. "Let's go, guys."

They hurried after the EMTs and Logan, ignoring the stares they were getting from the other people there. Outside, it had started to rain and Kendall tried not to think about how foreboding the sudden change in weather could be. The ambulance was already speeding away by the time he managed to steady his shaking hand and jam the key into the ignition.

James shuddered involuntarily and gripped the arm rest of the passenger seat tightly as he stared out of the windshield at the flashing red and blue lights that were disappearing from view. When he couldn't see them anymore through the steady downpour, he shut his eyes, too afraid to see anything at all.

Carlos sat in the backseat, hunched over with his head in his hands. Every inch of him was shaking like he had just fallen into an icy lake and barely escaped with his life. _Logan_. That was all his brain could think of as they drove down the street, Kendall somehow keeping the car at a safe speed in the rain when all he wanted to do was speed.

So much had happened that day that it was hard to believe that it was only halfway over. Kendall and Carlos had fought. Kendall and James had made up. Logan had- Carlos bit down hard on his knuckle to keep from screaming again. Why? Why would Logan do such a thing? Were they all wrong to assume that he was happy in his innocent state of oblivion? Had they all missed some very obvious signs? Why would Logan try to kill himself? The answer came to him and Carlos was comforted a little bit. _Logan didn't try to kill himself. There's an explanation._

Kendall parked in such a way that he knew he would come back out to find a ticket on his windshield but he wasn't about to waste anymore time. He flung himself out of the car, relieved when James and Carlos followed right behind him. The three boys ran across the parking lot and barged through the ER doors, breathless and afraid.

"Logan. . . Mitchell. . ." Kendall said, panting wildly. "He. . . just came. . .in." He held onto the edge of the receptionist's counter in an effort to keep himself on his feet. It seemed like time had slowed down so that everyone but the three of them was stuck in slow motion. He watched in agony as the woman typed Logan's name into the computer and stared at her screen. "Well?" He finally demanded, unable to wait in complete silence.

Her gaze softened at the panic in his voice. "Yes, he was brought in a few minutes ago." She said quietly. "I'm afraid that's all I can tell you right now. Are you family?"

"Yes." Kendall choked on a sob that surprised him. "He's. . . he's my brother. My mom adopted him a few years ago." He gestured to James and Carlos who were standing close behind him. "These are our best friends. We're practically all brothers."

"Can I have your name please, sweetie? We should probably call your mother."

"Um. . ." Kendall's brain stopped working for an instant and he couldn't think of anything as he stared back at the kind receptionist. "My name. . . Kendall Knight. My mom's name is Lacey. I have a little sister named Katie. My dad's name is Jeffery but he and my mom split up when I was eleven."

"Kendall," Carlos stepped forward and touched Kendall lightly on his shoulder to get his attention. "Let's go sit down now."

At first, Kendall followed willingly, knowing that his legs weren't going to support him for much longer. But then he spun back around. "Wait!" He blurted out. "There's something the doctors need to know about Logan. He. . ." He stopped and swallowed hard. Why was it so hard to say?

"They know." The woman told them all before any of them could try speaking again. "I assume you mean his traumatic brain injury, correct? Yes, they know about it and they will definitely be taking it into consideration. Why don't you go have a seat now?"

James needed no more persuasion. He followed Kendall and Carlos over to a group of chairs and sank into the first one he came to. One of his sleeves had been tugged up a little bit, exposing a white bandage. He tugged at the cotton material of his shirt viciously until nothing was visible and then simply shook his head in helpless disbelief. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "This is all my fault."

But Kendall shook his head even more violently and sat down next to James, motioning for Carlos to join them. "James, this was _not_ your fault. I don't really know why Logan did this but. . . but maybe he didn't realize what he was doing."

James pulled away. "I bet he did." He said quietly. "I bet he knew exactly what he was doing. He cut himself because he saw me and-"

"Then it's my fault." Kendall interrupted. "If I hadn't said what I did to you, then you would have never cut yourself and we'd be okay."

"But if I hadn't-"

"Can you guys just stop it?" Carlos pleaded wearily. "Stop blaming yourselves and think about Logan. You're both being incredibly stupid right now. Does it make you feel better to blame yourself and feel sorry for yourself? Because that's exactly what you're doing right now. It doesn't really matter why it happened right now. All that matters is Logan and neither of you seem to get get. You're so wrapped up in your own personal guilt trips. What if I wanted to blame myself for leaving Logan to give you your phone, Kendall? What if your mom wants to blame herself when she gets here? You know, if she had never called-"

"But, Carlos-" James began in protest.

Carlos shook his head and stood up. "Stop." He said as he walked a short distance away from them. "You[re not helping Logan at all right now. You're just making things worse."

The words were harsh but true. Kendall and James nodded and fell silent. They looked up pleadingly at Carlos who refused to return next to them and spent their time waiting, pacing back and forth, threatening to wear down a hole right through the floor.

"Boys!"

Kendall jumped up and grabbed his mother into a hug as she and Katie rushed over to them. "I'm sorry, Mom." He sobbed. "Logan. . . he. . . he cut himself." He heard both of them gasp in alarm but kept talking, unable to stop. "I don't know why but. . . he was bleeding a lot, Mom. So much blood. I don't know if he's. . . okay or not."

"Hush." Mrs. Knight said soothingly. She hugged Kendall close to her and looked at James and Carlos from over his shoulder. James say limply in a chair, like a puppet with no strings. His eyes were red with tears but the terror in his expression overshadowed everything else. Carlos had stopped his pacing but when he saw Kendall's mother and sister, he resumed it at an even faster pace than before. "Tell me what happened, Kendall."

Kendall backed away, sensing the authority in the gentle order. He sniffed and wiped his eyes so he could see better. Then he glanced at both of his friends and began the story. "I messed up, Mom." He confessed. "I made James. . . I was horrible to him and. . . he was upset and. . ."

"Wait a minute." Lacey Knight held up her hands to stop Kendall's explanation which had yet to make any sense at all. "Kendall, what does this have to do with Logan?" She glanced from Kendall to James who both seemed incapable of speech.

"James has been cutting himself." Carlos announced quite suddenly. "He's been doing it ever since Kendall told him he was stupid because of the. . . the accident. But today we all found out. . . even Logan. Kendall took James to clean up his cuts and they talked and everything was better than it had been. Then you called and I took Kendall's phone into him. I had been with Logan because he was upset after seeing James bleeding. I only left him for a minute and I thought he would be okay. But when I came back, he wasn't in the family room where I left him. He was. . ." Carlos shut his eyes tightly as the memory came back to him. "He was laying in the middle of the bathroom. . . bleeding."

The basics of Carlos' explanation were clear but he still felt that there was more to be said. "Since we got here, all James and Kendall have done is argue over who's fault this is. They won't shut up about it. Instead they act like it'll help Logan." Tears slid down Carlos' pale face as he glared at his friends. "But they're not helping Logan at all. It's just going to upset him when-" Carlos stopped abruptly when he saw a doctor walking toward them.

"Logan Mitchell?"

"That's us." Mrs. Knight tried to give him a polite smile but her mind was still reeling from the most recent developments. "Logan is my son. Is he-"

"He's going to be fine." The doctor assured them all quickly. "He lost a great deal of blood but fortunately your other boys reacted and called for an ambulance that got him help in time. We want to keep him overnight just to be sure though. Now, I've had a chance to look over Logan's medical records and I wanted to also tell you that no other damage has been done. See, we'd be concerned that if he hit his head when he fell there might be some lasting effects. But thankfully, that's not the case."

Mrs. Knight sighed in relief. "Thank you so much." She said with a shake of her head. "Can we see him?"

"Well, right now he's sleeping. He should be waking up soon though and I certainly don't want him to be alone when that happens. However I do need to talk to you about. . . what happened. Are you okay with that?"

"As long as the boys can go in with him now." Mrs. Knight said firmly, gripping Katie gently by the shoulders. "I think they need to have a little talk with him anyway. And James," She turned and looked at James, who seemed to shrink under her gaze. "I'm going to need to call your parents."

James doesn't argue. All the fight left him long ago. He nodded wordlessly and stood up, only wanting to see Logan. They were led to his room by the doctor and then left there to figure out things for themselves.

"Don't make him upset." Carlos said shortly, before walking into the room.

Kendall flinched slightly but recovered enough to wrap an arm over James' shoulders and walk in.

Carlos was already sitting on the edge of the bed, holding onto Logan's hand in both of his. "I don't believe that you wanted to kill yourself." He said softly. "There was another reason. I just wish you could tell us. You didn't want to die though."

Logan's eyelids fluttered then and he was suddenly staring back at Carlos. "Hi," He said in confusion. "What happened?" Before Carlos could answer, Logan turned his head and inspected the white bandage that covered his arm. "My arm hurts, Carlos."

Carlos grimaced at the awful reminder but gave Logan's hand a gentle squeeze and smiled. "I bet it does, buddy. You hurt it. Do you remember what happened?"

"Um. . ." Logan bit his lip in concentration. "Well, Jamie was upset and crying and hurt. . . is he okay?"

James was gently shoved forward by Kendall and he stepped into Logan's line of vision. "I'm right here, Logie. I'm fine."

"Did I get hurt worse again?" Logan asked with wide eyes. When they all nodded, a small smile crossed his face. "That's good. I'd rather me get hurt than any of you."

The statement was so Logan-like that they all couldn't help but smile a little bit. But Carlos turned sober quickly. "Logie, why did you hurt yourself the way you did?" He asked as gently as possible.

Logan's smile disappeared when he saw the grim faces of his friends. "Are you mad at me?" He whispered.

"No." James said firmly. "No, Logan. We're not mad at you at all. You just. . . you scared us. You can't be doing that to yourself."

"But you did."

Even though James knew it was coming, it still hurt to hear Logan's innocent statement. "Yes, I did. But I was wrong to. And I'm never going to do it again."

"I saw you do it another time." Logan said quietly. "Not this day but another. And. . . you looked happy. So I thought it made you happy. But it didn't make you happy today so I tried to see what would happen to me." Logan pouted slightly. "It hurt and I got real dizzy and fell asleep."

Carlos wrapped both arms around Logan and held him close. "I'm glad you woke up, Logie. We missed you."

"I don't like this bed though. Can we go home now?" Logan asked hopefully.

"Tomorrow." Carlos promised before James or Kendall could speak.

Just then the door opened and Mrs. Knight and Katie hurried in. The two of them hugged and kissed Logan, overjoyed at how alert he already was. But James didn't miss the sympathetic looks he received from them. _"I'm going to need to call your parents."_ He replayed Mrs. Knight's words in his head and wondered how much time he had left in LA before his parents took him back to Minnesota.

**A/N. One of these days I'm going to write something happy. . . But Logan is okay. That's good right? Right. I'll go watch 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' now. Review?**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N. So my Writer's Block is thankfully, gone for the time being. Don't worry, I'll update 'How to Save a Life' as soon as I can but I want to try and alternate between the two. In the meantime, this is nice and angsty right? I don't own anything.**

"James, I'm hungry."

At Logan's words, James stood quickly to his feet only to have Kendall and Carlos mirror his actions. Before he could open his mouth to insist that he would help Logan, Logan spoke for himself.

"I want Jamie to get me something." Logan's eyes moved from Kendall to Carlos and finally to James, a small smile lighting his face. He stood up slowly and limped over to James, taking his hand. "Let's go."

James caught the expressions on Kendall's and Carlos' faces, torn between wanting to follow Logan everywhere to make sure he was safe, and keeping Logan happy and content. They finally sat back down on the couch, much slower than when they stood up. A sigh of relief rushed through James at the obvious trust they both had in him and he forced a grin to his face for Logan's benefit. "Okay, Logie. Let's go make you some eggs and toast."

In the kitchen, Logan perched on the edge of a chair and watched as James started cooking a late breakfast. "I wasn't hungry today when Carlos and you weren't here." He began talking in a distracted tone, his eyes moving around the room aimlessly. "Kendall made me eat an orange though." Logan made a face. "I don't like oranges that much. They make me all sticky." He held up his hands that were no longer sticky as if to show James.

But James didn't notice Logan's hands. His gaze automatically landed on the white bandage wrapped tightly around the lower left arm and he winced. They had brought Logan back home to the apartment the day before and with the exception of the somewhat limited mobility he had, Logan was fine. But it had been close. Too close.

"I want my toast with my eggs." Logan suddenly announced, already forgetting about oranges. He eyed the plate of scrambled eggs that James was preparing with a small frown on his face. "At the same time."

"Okay, Logan." James said quickly. "Come watch this." He waited until Logan got up from the chair and hobbled over to stand next to him by the counter. Then he smiled and inserted a piece of bread into the toaster. "Now watch." He instructed softly.

Logan didn't even blink as he stared at the toaster. When the toast popped up he jumped slightly and then laughed. "Toast!" He proclaimed happily. "But where does the bread go?"

Part of James wanted to laugh and the innocent question but instead he turned sober. Logan used to be able to take a toaster apart and put it back together within a half an hour. Now he seemed convinced that the simple machine was magic. "It's right here." He said, leading Logan back to the table and setting the plate in front of him. "The toaster heats up the bread and toasts it. Toast is. . . toasted bread."

But Logan only looked even more confused. He shrugged and contented himself with consuming the small breakfast that James had made for him. He smiled at Kendall and Carlos when they joined their friends, unable to stay away for too long. "Jamie made me eggs and toast." He told them happily. "I like it better than oranges, Kendall."

James' breath stilled for an instant as he waited for Kendall's reaction. He almost expected Kendall to be angry at him even though the two of them had made their peace the other day.

Kendall looked first at James as if reading his mind. Regret dominated any other expression in his green eyes when he saw the nervous fear and knew that he had caused his friend to feel that way. His best friend was still afraid of him. But they had to be cheerful for Logan because it upset him when they were sad. So he smiled first at James and then at Logan. "I bet. James makes good breakfasts."

Just then a knock at the door made all four boys look up. Kendall got up and crossed the small kitchen, heading to the apartment door. Without looking out the peephole he swung the door open and immediately froze. "Oh," He said in a faint voice. James' parents' hardly even looked at him as they walked into the apartment without returning his greeting. "James is in the kitchen." He hurried after them just in time to see his friends' reactions to the surprise but not altogether unexpected arrival.

"Mom. Dad." James' face turned white at the sight of his parents and the expressions on their faces. "You came."

"Of course we did." James' father sighed and rubbed the side of his forehead with his fingertips. "As soon Kendall's mother called us we bought our tickets. James, this is serious."

James' mother approached him and took his wrist with one hand and slid his long sleeve up with the other. "Oh, James." She murmured sorrowfully. Tears hovered in her eyes as she stared at the red scars marching along the white arm. "And you're so thin too."

"That's it." Mr. Diamond muttered. His own face had whitened as he observed the state his son was in but he continued to speak a low and steady voice. "You're coming home with us today."

James couldn't speak at first. He stared at his father in horror. "W-what?" He finally stammered out.

"You heard me. You're coming home today." His father made a shooing motion with his hand. "Go on, get your bags packed."

"Dear, his things aren't here remember? Everything is at that mansion." Mrs. Diamond laid a calming hand on her son's shoulder. "Come on, James. Get your shoes on and we'll head over there now."

Finally James snapped out of his state of shock. He pulled away from his mother and yanked his shirt sleeve back down. "No way." He said shaking his head. "I'm not leaving." He spoke quietly, not wanting to upset Logan but his voice shook and his friend noticed.

"Jamie, what's wrong?" Logan looked up at James, brown eyes wide in concern. "Aren't you happy your mommy and daddy are here?"

Tears burned James' eyes and he glared at his parents. "You didn't even say hi to him." He whispered in an accusing tone.

Instantly, both of them looked ashamed and Mrs. Diamond bent down to look at Logan. "Hi, sweetie. How are you?"

Logan smiled broadly. "Jamie made me toast and eggs." He told her. "I wish he and Carlos could sleep over. Then they wouldn't have to leave all the time at night and James could make us all breakfast every day because I don't like oranges."

Mrs. Diamond blinked, unsure of how to respond to Logan's words. "Oh," She said, pasting a phony smile on her face. "Well sweetie, James is going to come home with us for a little while okay? To Minnesota. See-"

But she was interrupted by Logan's tears that started as soon as she mentioned Minnesota. He let out a heartbreaking cry and lashed out with one arm, knocking his breakfast plate to the floor where it shattered into tiny pieces and sent food flying in all directions. "No!" He wailed as tears streamed down his face. "You can't take him from me!"

James shoved past his parents and latched his arms around Logan's thin frame and pulled him into a tight hug. "Shhh," He soothed hurriedly. "Don't cry, Logie." His face was red with anger and he tried to stop himself from shaking. He was furious at his parents for being so insensitive with Logan but Logan was already distressed enough.

"But I don't want you to leave!" Logan clung tight to James, wrapping the soft material of James' T-shirt in his fists as he leaned his forehead on James' shoulder and cried even harder.

Carlos stared in horror at the scene before him. Kendall was speechless as he could only watch James try in vain to comfort Logan while his parents looked at a loss of what to say or do. "You made him cry." He whispered in disbelief. "You made Logan cry."

At first neither of James' parents responded. Mrs. Diamond had her mouth covered with one hand and tears stood in her eyes. Mr. Diamond stared and then cleared his throat, finally trying to speak. "James," He began slowly.

James ignored both of them. He rocked back and forth with Logan in his arms chanting over and over. "It's okay, Logie. Don't cry. I'm right here." He felt some of the tension leave his body when Logan's sobs began to slow and then he pulled away and gave Logan the best smile he had. "Okay," He said, keeping his voice low. "I'm going to talk with mommy and daddy and you're going to hang out with Kendall and Carlos while I do that okay?"

Kendall shook his head and stepped forward. "I think I need to be with you, James." He whispered, unable to explain himself.

Just then Mrs. Knight and Katie came back from the store with grocery bags in their arms. They stopped when they saw the Diamonds and Logan's tear stained face. "Oh, sweetie." Mrs. Knight murmured, hurriedly dropping her bags on the counter so she could give Logan a hug. "What's wrong, baby?"

Logan pointed an accusing finger past her shoulder. "James' mommy and daddy want to take him away." He said in a pitiful voice. He took a slow, shuddering breath. "I don't want him to go away."

Mrs. Knight pulled a packet of tissues from her purse and wiped Logan's face gently. "Logan, I'm going to talk to them okay? Just calm down and play a game with-"

"Me and Katie." Carlos said promptly. He eased past the wall of people over to Logan and took his hand, pulling him to his feet. "Come on, Logie." He nodded to Katie and the three of them left for the privacy of the boys' bedroom where they wouldn't overhear anything.

Lacey Knight watched them go and waited until she heard the bedroom door click shut. Then she took a deep breath and forced herself to look up. "What exactly happened just before Katie and I came home?"

Her question was met with silence at first while everyone waited for someone to begin. Then James spoke up, keeping his gaze on the floor. "I. . . my mom and dad just got here kind of. . . they want me to come back to Minnesota and Logan. . . doesn't. He didn't take the news too." He looked up at his parents. "Please. . . I can't leave him."

"James, you need help." Mrs. Diamond gestured to his arms, the scars covered but still visible in another way. "And obviously," She turned and glared at Kendall who seemed to shrink under her gaze. "Your friends can't give you that help. Maybe you wouldn't need that help if it wasn't for-"

"Are you blaming my son for what happened to James?" Mrs. Knight was suddenly on the offensive. She laid on arm over her son's shoulders, looking hurt and furious all at the same time.

"Tell us again," Mr. Diamond said coolly. "When and why did James begin cutting himself?"

Kendall flinched at the harsh words. He wanted to cover his ears and forget about everything that was currently transpiring between his mother and James' parents. The boys' parents had been friends as long as the boys themselves had. Not as close as the boys but still. It terrified to hear them arguing like they were now. "Mom," He began in a shaking voice. "They're right. It was my fault."

Mrs. Knight's eyes filled with tears. "Kendall, don't listen-"

"No, Mom!" Kendall stepped away and went to stand in the corner by himself so he could face everyone at the same time. "A few weeks ago I told James that he was stupid and that everything was his fault." He could hardly stand to see the pain in James' eyes but he forced himself to keep watching, telling himself that he deserved to suffer so much more. "That's. . . that's when he started. And for two weeks I was so horrible to him. I ignored him and treated him like. . . not like a best friend should. And then we saw that. . . what he did and. . ." Kendall trailed off and slid the floor in tears. "Please don't take him away from Logan!" He pleaded in between sobs. "Logan didn't do anything wrong. I did. Don't make Logan suffer for my mistakes."

James _hated_ to see Kendall cry. He was always so strong and so brave. Always together. But not now. Now he was a broken, scared and lost little boy. James shrugged over the grip his father had on his shoulder and went to Kendall, sinking to his knees beside his friend on the kitchen floor. He pulled Kendall into a tight hug and looked up at his parents, begging for them to understand. "Can't you see?" He asked. "It's hurting all of us. We all need to take care of Logan."

"Logan responds so well to James." Mrs. Knight's voice had softened once again and she too was begging for the Diamonds to listen. "He responds well to the boys best. He. . . he cries whenever James and Carlos leave for the night. I can't imagine what a longer separation will do to him. He needs all three of his friends."

"Our son needs help." Mrs. Diamond was relentless. "I want him back in Minnesota and in counseling and therapy and under our own roof. We already have three return tickets."

"Then give it to some hobo!" James spat out before he could think of what he was saying. "Mom, I promise, I'll get counseling and therapy here. We're still close to Hollywood. There must be a ton of shrinks around here with all the celebrities."

Despite his obvious distress, Kendall snorted at James' remark. But then he took a deep breath and rose to his feet, helping James up as well. "I'll pay for it." He pleaded. "I'll pay for James to go to a counselor or a therapist or both if there's even a difference. Just don't make him go away. Logan doesn't just need him. We all need him."

They all waited, holding their collective breaths for James' parents to answer.. They had to give in now. They had no reason not to. But James' father's face was still hard and determined. "Well, I'm sorry." He said, crushing their hopes in one blow. "But we won't have our son in a place where we don't trust the people he'll be with all day."

Kendall stepped backward, catching the implication even without the accompanying glare. He stared in horror. "No." He whispered. "Please. You can't do this."

"James, I think you should go say goodbye to Carlos, Katie and. . . Logan." Mrs. Diamond said stiffly.

James couldn't move. "Goodbye." He repeated as if he had never heard the word before and was trying it out for the first time. "Goodbye? Mom. . . Dad. . . you guys have to understand. I can't leave. I won't ever cut myself again, I promise."

"You don't know that!" Mrs. Diamond explained. "What happens next time Kendall says something horrible? Or Carlos?"

"There won't be a next time." James said confidently. "And Carlos doesn't know how to be. . ."

"Cruel?" Mr. Diamond spoke to his son but watched Kendall as he did.

James shook his head. A confusing mix of terror at leaving and anger at his parents overwhelmed him. "You're being such a hypocrite!" He started to yell but caught Kendall's alarm and instantly quieted down. "Cruel? What are you being right now? You've done absolutely nothing but insult one of my best friends and I'm sick of it. If you think I'm leaving then-"

"Young man," James' mother broke in then. "You can say goodbye and you can just walk out the door right now. It's your choice."

"And you can let me stay and maybe I'll send you a Christmas card." James snapped back. "If you make me get on that plane I'll never speak to you again." The threat was all he had left.

It wasn't enough. "I'm giving you one more chance." Mrs. Diamond seemed unfazed by her son's bitter words.

Tears blurred James' vision as he spun on his heel and left the kitchen. To say goodbye.

**A/N. Oh my angst. -dead- So yeah. Um. . . I'll update soon but I'll probably update "How to Save a Life" first. Hang in there and maybe review? I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful week!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N. I updated 'How to Save a Life' and now I'm suffering from an Angst Withdrawal. Yeah. I don't own anything.**

Carlos tried to focus on Logan but he found himself straining to hear the voices from outside of the bedroom.

"You're being such a hypocrite!"

Carlos flinched and shot a quick glance at Katie. He could tell right away that she had heard James' angry words too and they both looked at Logan in worry. But Logan, much to their relief, was absorbed in a coloring book and didn't even look up at the yell. The voices were quiet again and Carlos had to work to keep from pressing his each to the wood of the door in an attempt to hear words. It didn't sound good though.

"When are Jamie and Kenny coming back?" Logan inquired, glancing up from the picture of a puppy he was coloring. Then before either Katie or Carlos could answer, he started talking again, switching topics in the blink of an eye. "I want a puppy. Carlos, will you get me a puppy?"

In spite of the nerves that churned his stomach, Carlos couldn't help but smile. "We'll see, Logie." He said softly, unwilling to outright refuse his friend even though he knew that the hotel they were stay in didn't allow pets. Logan seemed satisfied with that answer and went back to his coloring.

Just then the door opened slowly. Carlos turned quickly, his eyes instantly landing on James and Kendall. He searched their faces and felt his heart sink when all he could see was defeat. His throat closed up and all he could do was watch the scene unfold.

Logan looked up and smiled when he saw James and Kendall. But the smile disappeared instantly when he saw that both of them were in tears. "What's the matter?" He asked, his voice already rising in pitch. "Why are you crying?"

James sank to his knees in front of the bed where Logan was resting and pulled him into a tight hug. His shoulders shook visibly with silent sobs as he struggled to pull himself together for Logan's sake. "Logan, listen to me for a minute." He began in a trembling voice. "I have something important to tell you okay? It won't be easy to hear but I think you can handle it because you're strong and brave."

Logan watched him with a serious expression on his face and nodded slowly. "Okay," He glanced up at Kendall who was trying to comfort Katie and Carlos while he was suffering himself. "Is it why everyone is sad?"

"Yeah." James took a deep breath. "Logan, I'm going to live with my mommy and daddy for a while, okay?"

Instantly Logan's eyes filled with tears. "But. . . don't you like me?"

"Of course I do, Logan!" James said hurriedly. "I love you. You're my little brother and my best friend. It's just. . . sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do because. . . sometimes our parents know what's best for us." He hated the way the words sounded coming from him. He felt like he was lying to himself and Logan and everyone else because he believed that he was right and his parents were wrong. But there was nothing he could do about it. "We have to listen to our mommy and daddy even when we don't want to."

His gentle explanation was doing no good. The tears in Logan's eyes spilled over and began running down his cheeks. "You can't go!" He sobbed inconsolably. He slid clumsily to the edge of the bed, dragging his heavily braced leg behind him and clung to James with both arms. "I don't want you to go, James! Please don't leave me!"

James felt a surge of anger course through him. He couldn't believe his parents were being so cold-hearted in such a delicate situation. How could they be so blind and not see how desperately the boys all needed each other? He tried to pull away so he could look at Logan but the younger boy only tightened his grip and cried harder, thinking that James was leaving. "Hey, Logie." James whispered soothingly. "Listen buddy. I won't be gone forever. I'll come back."

"Why are you leaving?" Logan sniffed. "Why can't you stay here forever?"

"Because," James said slowly, giving himself time to think of an explanation that could possibly satisfy Logan. "My parents want me to go to a certain doctor. . . Logie, you know how Mama Knight and you and Kendall and Katie are staying here so you can see a special doctor?" He waited until Logan nodded tearfully. "Well, it's kind of like that. I have to go to someone back in Minnesota."

"Why doesn't Carlos need to see a doctor then?" Logan asked in confusion.

James bit his lip. "Because. . . Carlos is. . ." _Perfect_. He thought to himself. Carlos had been the only one who hadn't fallen totally apart within the past few weeks and it was his stubborn and brutal honesty that brought Kendall and James back together when they had almost lost Logan again. The reminder made James look down at the white bandage around Logan's arm and he tightened his grip on his friend. "Carlos needs to stay here and take care of you because he's so amazing." He finally said in a whisper.

"But I want you to stay too!" Logan protested. "Please, Jamie! You're amazing too!"

He was far from amazing. He was leaving Logan and it was tearing him apart. There was a knock at the door and James sucked in a lungful of air, willing himself to keep calm and not yell at his parents in front of Logan. "Just a minute." He said in a tense voice.

"James?" Logan's voice trembled.

"I have to go." James whispered, tears falling freely once again. "I'm sorry, Logan." He started to pull away only to have Logan hold onto him with surprising strength. "Logan-"

"Please!" Logan was hysterical now, sobbing so hard that he was barely breathing. He clung to James' T-shirt, nearly falling off the bed when James tried to move away. "You can't. . ."

"Logan, just relax." James settled back down and held onto Logan, rubbing his back gently. "Just breathe, okay?" He let out a sigh of relief when Logan's breathing eased and became more regular. "That's it. Listen to me. I _promise_ I'll be back. Just-" He stopped talking when Logan's grip on his shirt slackened completely. "Logan?"

Logan drew away from James' touch, his eyes dull and sad. He didn't resist when Carlos moved to hug him but regarded James with a hurt expression. "You promised you wouldn't leave." He whispered.

"_When you break a promise, you also break a heart."_

Kendall's words, spoken so long ago, cut through everything else James was thinking. "Logan," He whispered, helpless to do anything but watch as Logan turned away from him and sobbed into Carlos' shoulder. He felt Kendall pull him gently to his feet and lead him to the door.

"Come on." Kendall said quietly. "Maybe a clean break is best for everyone."

A clean break. James wasn't completely sure he knew what Kendall meant but it might have had something to do with leaving before things got worse. As if they could get worse. But he also knew that they weren't going to get any better so he nodded and let Kendall hold onto him while he opened the bedroom door to face his parents.

"James," His mother sighed in relief but her eyes were full of mistrust as she watched Kendall, as if she was waiting for him to pull out a knife and start slicing into James himself.

Kendall took the hint and dropped James' arm. "Bye, James." He said in a shaking whisper. "Come back soon, okay? We need you." He ignored the Diamonds and pulled James into a firm embrace. "All of us need you." He whispered before stepping away.

James nodded. He was determined to do whatever it would take to get back to Logan and Kendall and Carlos as soon as possible. "Tell Carlos I said bye. I'll call you." He looked down at his feet, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. "And Kendall. . . I'm sorry that I'm leaving and. . ." He couldn't finish and merely nodded to where Logan was still crying. "I'm sorry I can't help." He finally said.

Kendall stared at him sadly, tears dimming his green eyes. "Me too." He said softly, meaning more than he could ever express.

Then James felt his mother loop her arm through his and he was being led away from his best friends. They walked past Mrs. Knight and Katie who whispered tearful farewells and apologies and then they left the apartment. Once they were outside, James jerked away. "I can walk myself." He muttered. He waited to be scolded for being so rude but nothing happened.

Nobody spoke as they climbed into the taxi and pulled onto the highway. James sat in a cold, stubborn silence. He couldn't even look at his parents for fear of saying something truly hateful. His hands trembled so he balled them into tight fists in his lap as he watched the cars drive by.

"Mr. Rocque said he'll send you your things later this week." Mrs. Diamond finally attempted a conversation. "Your father and I decided that would be best so we can get home as quickly as possible without anymore delays."

There was so much James wanted to say. He wanted to scream and cry and yell at both of them. Instead he merely acknowledged her words with a brief nod, not even turning away from the window. He was doing this for Logan. The sooner he went back to Minnesota and took care of all his issues, the sooner he could come back to LA.

"James, if you think you're going to ignore us for-"

"Trust me, Dad. You don't want me to say what I'm thinking." James interrupted his father's warning and then fell silent once again. _Just get through. Just get through. Just get through._ Get through what? James didn't know if he could do it alone.

The taxi pulled to a stop and James got out after his parents. His father handed him his plane ticket and he followed reluctantly, wanting nothing more than to jump back in the taxi and head back to his friends. But the taxi drove away and James watched his last chance disappear into the distance.

With each step he took, following his parents, James felt worse and worse. His heart raced in his chest but with each beat, he felt like it was breaking even more. Every time he blinked and his eyes were closed, he saw Logan's face and Carlos' face and Kendall's face. He thought of the pain he was leaving behind him. He couldn't do it.

They noticed instantly when he stopped. Both of them turned around and looked at him. "James?" His mother asked.

"I can't do this." James was surprised at how steady his voice was but he didn't bother to question it. "I can't leave Logan. I can't leave Kendall or Carlos either. They need me and I need them."

"James," His father began in a warning tone. "Listen to me-"

"No." James said coolly. "You listen to me for once in your life. You want what's best for me and in your opinion, it's to drag me away from my three best friends when we need each other more than ever. Tell me. How the heck does that work?"

"James, you need help-" His mother began, calmly.

"I know that." James interrupted just as calmly. "I know I need help. I'm a mess. But you know what I need more? I need my friends and I need you to stop being so blind to that. This whole thing never would have happened if I wasn't so stupid in the first place. Now you expect me to leave everyone alone while I get help for myself? That's not fair to them. Why can't I just get help here?"

His father glanced around as James' rising voice began to attract attention. "James-"

"It's because you don't trust Kendall, isn't it?" James' voice shook with the realization. "Because of what he said to me." His parents didn't answer him verbally but the looks of their faces were enough and James bowed his head in an attempt to keep himself from falling totally apart. "We're okay now." He whispered. "We've been friends for all these years and-"

"And he caused you to resort to self-harm." His mother cut him off, her voice shaking with every word. "What kind of friend is that?"

"Mom, try to see this from Kendall's point of view for a minute." James begged. "He's always been able to protect us. He's always been our leader. Now. . . this is happening. Me and Carlos can't always be there. It's Kendall who wakes up with Logan when he has a nightmare about monsters under his bed or in his closet. It's Kendall who has to comfort Logan when me and Carlos leave every night. Mrs. Knight and Katie help of course, but like Mrs. Knight said, Logan responds best to us. He responds best to Kendall. Kendall's seventeen. So is he supposed to be able to adjust to that responsibility without any problems?" Tears were falling fast and James could barely see his parents or the people that were staring at them all. "He apologized and I accepted his apology. We're okay now."

But his parents still looked as unmoved as ever. "You don't know that." Mr. Diamond began. "I think it's best if we just gave it some time. I understand that the reason the Knights are staying in LA is because the doctors are more. . . knowledgeable than in Minnesota. And James, your mother and I want to be with them as well. We're not going to keep you apart forever. We'll move too. But first-"

"First you have to separate us." James said bitterly. "Dad, I can't do that. Didn't you see Logan today? I promised him that I would never leave him and I broke that promise. What kind of friend am I? This isn't just about me. I'm not the only one who needs help."

"Excuse me," The uniformed man looked at the small family with a frustrated expression on his face as he waited for them to hand over their tickets. "You're next in line." He reminded them when he was met with blank expressions.

"James?" His father turned and waited expectantly.

James took a deep breath and extended his hand to the man, the ticket clutched tightly between his fingers. The man's gloved hand brushed the ticket right before James snatched it back. He caught sight of his parents' alarmed expressions seconds before he tore the ticket into tiny pieces and let them float to the ground. "No," He said as firmly as he could managed. "Logan is more important than anything else in the world right now and I'm not about to let you take me away from him, even if you are my parents." He stepped out of reach. "I'm sorry if you don't understand what's right in front of you. Maybe if you opened your eyes you'd see that I need to take responsibility for my actions instead of running off to Minnesota and talking to some shrink. I can do that here in La and while I'm here I can be with my best friends where they need me. I won't run away."

"This is a mistake." His mother said quietly. But something had changed. The fight had left her eyes and she looked defeated. "Please, James. Come with us."

"I'm sorry," James whispered as he backed away. "But I seem to have lost my ticket." Tears blurred his eyesight when he saw the pain in their eyes. All he did anymore was hurt people. "I'm sorry," He said again, this time meaning every bit of the apology. Then he turned and walked away.

Once he was out on the curb he realized he didn't have any money for a taxi. But James wasn't about to go back inside and ask his parents for something. He was afraid. Now that he was outside, he began to run.

James had always been in great shape but the past few months had been different. His broken ribs were healed but the motion still caused a dull ache in his chest. He was weak because he had lost so much weight. But that didn't stop him. He noticed, as he jogged quickly down the street, that the traffic was horrible and knew that even if he could afford a taxi, it would probably still be quicker if he ran.

Or walked. James had only gone about two blocks before his body could no longer bear the strain and he was forced to settle to a brisk walk. He walked, letting his breath come back to him, fighting back the vague feeling of dizziness and focused on his destination.

Fortunately, it wasn't that far of a walk. When he saw the hotel a block ahead of him, James broke into another short run, not slowing this time until he reached the doors. In a brief moment of what he couldn't help but consider as insanity, James pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a quick text message to both of his parents, letting them know that he had arrived safely. Then, ignoring the curious look he received from the clerk behind the desk, he hurried up four flights of stairs, sure that the way his day was going, the elevator would have gotten stuck halfway up.

"James!" Mrs. Knight gasped as he swung open the door, white-faced and out of breath.

"I couldn't leave." James whispered as he walked past her. His phone vibrated with a text message but he ignored it for the time being and headed straight to where he had left his friends.

Kendall and Carlos were sitting on the bed, watching a sleeping Logan with worried eyes. When James came in, their expressions lit up but then dimmed with confusion. Neither of them spoke though and they moved away from Logan.

James swallowed hard and sank down on the bed, staring at his friend. Logan's face was pale and wet with tears. His breathing was uneven, hitching in a sob every once in a while. He was crying in his sleep, James realized. "Logie," He whispered.

Logan's eyes opened right away at the sound of James' voice. The normally happy brown eyes were bloodshot and swollen and still bright with tears he had yet to shed. They found James and Logan's brow furrowed in confusion. "Jamie?" He ventured,as if afraid to speak for fear of having James disappear at the sound of his voice.

"I'm here, Logan." James said softly. Tears stung his eyes when he saw how much pain was in Logan's eyes. "I came back just like I said I would."

Logan sat up very slowly and looked at James solemnly. "Are you going to leave me again?"

"No," James said firmly. He wrapped his arms around Logan and pulled him into a careful hug. "I'm not ever going to leave you again. I'm going to take care of you."

**A/N. Points for anyone who caught my slight 'Lord of the Rings' reference. But yeah, this is what happens when I take angst breaks. Um. . . I'll update one of my stories soon. For now, review?**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N. Sorry if the last chapter wasn't great. I liked it. . . Anyway, I don't own anything.**

"Okay, Mom. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. Bye." James sighed as he closed his cell phone shut with a snap and slipped it in his pocket. His parents had given in and were letting him stay on the conditions that he got counseling and that everything else went as smoothly as possible. And by "everything else" they meant Kendall. James hated it that they refused to trust his best friend again but he was hopeful that time would fix things between them.

"Everything okay?" Carlos walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

Despite that his conversation with his mother and father had gone extremely well, James had to blink away tears. As much as he appreciated Carlos' concern, it still made his heart ache. Carlos wasn't supposed to be worrying over everyone. He was supposed to be having a good time. He was supposed to be laughing and making everyone else happy just by being there. "Yeah." He lied. "The house is up for sale and my mom said that they already have a lot of interested people so. . ." He shrugged casually. "Hopefully it'll sell soon."

Carlos shook his head. "I can't believe everyone is moving out here." He said quietly. "It's all so. . . sudden."

"Yeah well. . . this is the best place for. . . for Logan right now and everyone wants to be here with him." James smiled a little at the thought. It truly was amazing how strong the bond between the families was. Things were still strained between his parents and Mrs. Knight and Kendall but they were still willing to come together and care for Logan.

"Oh, that reminds me." Carlos said suddenly. "We're all going to meet with. . . Logan's therapist about how we need to. . . need to work with him." He stumbled over the words, always hating to acknowledge how things had changed. "Kendall said we can meet them there and we can go back to the apartment after."

James nodded and headed to the front door of the mansion, pulling on his sneakers. "Okay. You ready?" At the affirmative nod he received from Carlos he swung open the door and held it for his friend before stepping out into the sunshine. The bus stop was a block away and the two boys settled into an easy walk, knowing that they had a fair amount of time before the bus even arrived.

"So, aside from Logan," Carlos said abruptly. "What's bothering you? Because I know you lied a little while ago when you said everything was fine. Is it your parents?"

James studied a crack in the sidewalk while he thought of a way to answer Carlos. "Sort of. My parents and Kendall and his mom."

"Oh," At first James thought that was all Carlos would say and was relieved that he dropped the subject so quickly. But he spoke again a minute later. "They'll be okay." He spoke with such quiet confidence that it was impossible to doubt him.

"I know." James said suddenly feeling more hopeful than usual. "I just wish they could be okay now. It's not like anyone needs this extra stress of having them not trust each other like they are now. Mostly I'm worried about Kendall. He's fine as long as we're not talking about my parents but whenever the subject comes up he just looks really upset."

The bus pulled to a stop and Carlos led the way inside. There were only few people already on and they found a seat in the back where they could continue their conversation. "But it makes sense." Carlos said as they drove away. "I mean, he already felt guilty for hurting you so much that you would. . ." He trailed off and shot a quick glance at James' lightly scarred arms. "Then. . . Logan. And then your parents almost took you home and that would have been really hard for everyone. I'm not blaming Kendall because he's been under a lot of stress but that happened all because of what he said to you."

"I should have been stronger then." James muttered in disgust. "I was stupid to think that cutting would help."

"Yeah you were." Carlos said bluntly. "Why did you do it then?"

James turned and stared out the window trying to ease the nerves that plagued him every time he was in a vehicle now. "I guess I did it for two reasons. For one, I felt like I needed to punish myself. The second reason was just what I said. I thought that the physical pain would make me forget the other pain. It did but only temporarily."

Carlos rested his head on James' shoulder, for the moment, going back to a sixteen year old kid who was scared for his friends. But when he spoke again, his voice was as strong as ever. "You scared us. Don't do it again, okay? And I don't just mean because of what happened with Logan. I mean you can't do it again for yourself, James. Okay?"

"Okay," James whispered. "Thanks, Carlos." Tears burned his eyes but he refused to let them fall. "You know what else has been bothering me?"

Carlos lifted his head to look at him in concern. "What?"

"You." James rushed on before Carlos could say anything. "You've been the only sane one throughout this entire time, Carlos. You've been the one keeping it together for everyone else and. . . I'm worried, Carlos. Are you okay?"

"No," Carlos gave a short laugh with no humor in it. "I'm scared, James. I'm scared for all of us. I'm sad too. I'm sad that everything has changed so much."

The bus pulled to a stop a couple blocks away from the building where Logan's therapist worked. James stood up and helped Carlos to his feet, leading him outside before he dropped an arm over the smaller boy's shoulders. "You know you can talk to me, right?" He asked quietly. "Whenever you need to about anything."

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, I do." He tried to smile but his lips refused to curve upwards for very long. "Thanks, James. Let's go see everyone else now, okay?"

But James held him back and tightened his grip. "Seriously. Carlos. Don't just think that because I'm screwed up and need a counselor that you can't talk to me, okay?" He waited until Carlos nodded again and then sighed in relief. "Good. Okay, now we can go."

Logan's therapist was a young, dark-haired woman named Emma Jordan. She was waiting with Mrs. Knight and Kendall and Katie when James and Carlos arrived and smiled warmly at the two boys when they walked into her office. "Logan is working with Mark, my assistant." She answered their silent question. "Mark is helping him with his physical recovery as well as some of his mental and cognitive recovery. I wanted to speak with all of you privately."

"Is everything all right?" Mrs. Knight asked uncertainly. Her face was pale and tired and she looked nervous as she waited for the therapist to respond.

Emma nodded in reassurance. "Everything is fine with Logan." She said with another small smile. "I wanted to talk about all of you. I know this must be hard for all of you and I was wondering if any of you were speaking to someone about your new life style."

"I'm seeing a counselor." James said quietly. "It's helping I think." He avoided Kendall's eyes because he couldn't bear the look of guilt that he knew would be there.

"Good." Emma nodded. "Now I'm not recommending counseling for all of you. That's not my job although I don't think it would hurt anything. I am suggesting that you might find a support group to join." She slid a folder over to Mrs. Knight who took it and opened it. "It's not easy to adjust to something like this and something that I believe helps more than counseling is meeting people who are going through the same thing."

Mrs. Knight nodded as she studied the papers. "I have been wanting to do this." She said, glancing at the others. "Meeting people with experience would help I think. But what would we do with Logan?"

Emma smiled. "Most groups are fairly well equipped to care for people in Logan's condition. They have volunteers who watch them while their families talk. Or you could arrange it so that you meet during a time when Logan is in therapy. There are plenty of options."

"Okay, we'll look into it then." Mrs. Knight smiled slightly and nodded. "Thank you."

Emma returned her smile and nod and then turned serious again. "I need to bring up one more thing before I let you go. I'm going to be a little blunt here but I think it's in everyone's best interest." Her green eyes scanned everyone in the room before she went on. "I need you all to start treating Logan differently than you are now."

"What do you mean?" Kendall asked.

"I know it's difficult because he's so impaired right now but it would be better for his recovery if you started treating him like you used to before the accident." When her words were met with puzzled looks, Emma took a deep breath and explained as gently as possible. "If Logan is ever going to recovery, fully or partially,-"

"Recovery?" James questioned. "Fully?"

Emma didn't look the least bit bothered by the interruption. She directed her full attention to James and smiled. "Traumatic brain injury patients have been known to make full recoveries over a long period of time. Granted, Logan was in a coma for two weeks and that time span sets his recovery back and it would take a lot of hard work and a miracle but. . . yes."

Hope that had been foreign to James suddenly brought new life into him. He didn't care that Emma continued to explain that Logan was more likely to make only a partial recovery. Any recovery at all hadn't even been a possibility to James until now. When Carlos nudged him, James forced himself back down to Earth so he could listen to Emma.

"So if Logan is going to recover, you need to treat him more like a seventeen-year-old boy as opposed to a six-year-old which is where is he right now. It's like having a baby all over again. Doctors discourage baby talk because it might delay the child's development. If all they here is "goo goo gaga" then it can be difficult for them to speak actual words. It's the same way with Logan."

Emma held up a hand to stop their protests. "Let me explain." She said patiently. "I don't mean that you treat Logan completely different then you are now. Since he's at the cognitive level of a young child right now, then he does have specific needs. For example, I've been teaching him the basics of his letters and numbers. He knows almost all of it but he still needs it to be reinforced until he commits it to memory and use it for higher levels of learning."

"I understand that it's hard to refuse him anything right now. But you need to start saying "no" so that he realizes he can't always have everything he wants. See, if you want to give Logan everything he needs, then you're going to have to stop giving him everything he wants. It might be difficult to upset him but in the long run it'll be much better for him."

Mrs. Knight smiled wryly, tears shinning in her eyes. "So in other words, stop spoiling him so much?" She laughed softly when Emma nodded. "I confess I've always had a difficult time of refusing my children. It's been especially hard with having Logan so. . . vulnerable."

"But he's not as helpless as you think he is." Emma said firmly but gently. "Just think of it as starting all over again except treating him a little more like an adult. Find a middle ground that works best for him. Okay?"

"Thank you." Mrs. Knight said gratefully. "We'll do whatever it takes."

Emma stood up and walked to the door, gesturing for them to follow her. She led them down the hall to a room that almost looked like a gym with the equipment set up in it. Mark, Emma's assistant, acknowledged them with a nod but focused his attention on Logan.

Logan looked tired and it was obvious that his leg was hurting him but his eyes lit up when he saw everyone enter the room. "Look what I can do!" He said proudly. He indicated to where his leg was strapped to a heavy bar of metal and then slowly raised his leg.

James winced at the thought of how painful the form of therapy must have been for Logan. The metal weighed down on Logan's weak leg and he had to lift it until it was sticking straight out in front of him. But Logan was so proud of himself that he ignored the pain so he could show them. "Great job, Logan!" He said encouragingly.

"Logan's been fantastic." Mark gave them a small smile. "I broke my leg once before and it's not an easy thing to recover from."

"But he did and I will too." Logan told them confidently.

Mark patted Logan on the shoulder and bent to unstrap his leg from the metal bar. "Yes you will. But I think we've done enough for the day. Emma wants to take you for a little while now so I'll see you in a few days okay?" He helped Logan off the table and smiled once more. "Take care, buddy."

Now that he was finished and could no longer show off, Logan's pain was a little more obvious. His limp was more pronounced than it had been earlier that day and he wound up leaning on Kendall's stronger frame for support. "Mark is nice," He said with a sigh. "But he makes me do stuff that make my leg hurt real bad."

"Well," Kendall said glancing at Emma. "It hurts now but it'll help you get better just like he said. You want to get better don't you, Logan?"

Logan frowned and looked at Kendall like he was crazy. "Of course I do."

Kendall smiled slightly. "Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to so you can get better."

"I know." Logan sighed again and then smiled. "I can't wait until I get better. The I can have more fun."

Carlos grinned at the thought of even Logan's physical recovery. "Yup. When you do get better, we'll do a bunch of stuff."

The promise was vague because Carlos didn't specify what they'd be doing but it made Logan happier. He forgot about his leg and followed Emma willingly from the physical therapy room to where he worked on the next step toward whatever recovery, partial or full, waited for him.

**A/N. Yay I update both stories before I left! Okay, so I'm going away with a bunch of fellow Jesus freaks on a retreat to reclaim some of the sanity that I've been losing with school and work and insomnia. I shall be back sometime Sunday and will update soon after that. I hope to be welcomed home by reviews! I love you all! Have a wonderful weekend!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N. One of my favorite bands, Boyce Avenue, covered 'Perfect' by Pink (clean version by the way). For the rest of March, they're donating the iTunes proceeds to Japan. It's a gorgeous cover and it's for a good cause so pick it up before the end of the month! I don't own anything.**

"All right, James. Why don't you tell me about yourself and your friends?"

James tried to return the smile his new therapist gave him but it was a pathetic attempt. He glances down unable to meet the sympathetic gaze that he didn't deserve. "Where do you want me to start?" He asked quietly.

Peter Morris shrugged lightly. "Wherever you feel the most comfortable. Tell em anything you want."

"My friends. . ." James trailed off and was silent for several long minutes before he finally took a deep breath and went on. "Well, there's Kendall. He's been the leader since we've known each other. He's the kind of guy who want on your side because he'll defend you no matter what it does to him. He cares about you more than he cares about himself."

"Carlos is the one who always makes me smile. He makes everyone smile. He doesn't like it when someone isn't happy. He'll do whatever it takes to cheer you up basically. Sometimes that results in him getting a little hurt because he'll pull some crazy stunt to make you laugh. But he'll always say that it's worth it. But. . ." James paused and cleared his throat. "But he's different. I mean, he still wants people to be happy and everything but it's harder now. And he's grown up a lot. He's not as goofy. He's kind of like Kendall now except a little more sensitive." Instantly, he regretted his words but he knew it was too late.

"What do you mean by that?" Peter asked, grabbing onto James' minor slip-up right away.

James sighed. "Kendall is. . . well like I said, he's the kind of guy you want on your side. Because when he's not on your side it. . . it hurts a lot. He can be a little. . . harsh?" The words came out in a question and James glanced up at the therapist to catch his reaction. He only received a nod to continue. "See, it's hard to describe unless you see Kendall for yourself. But I guess I can give you an example. Just don't. . . just don't judge Kendall because I think he was right even though he doesn't."

"Go on," Peter replied encouragingly.

James nodded and obeyed. "After the accident everything changed. At first Kendall was okay with me. I mean, he wasn't mad at me. He was worried about me. But then he and his mom and sister and. . . and Logan moved into an apartment and Carlos and I couldn't be there all the time. Logan is having some. . . problems and they're affecting Kendall a lot. So one day he got really mad at me and told me the whole thing was my fault."

"And he was right. It is my fault. If it hadn't been for me then Logan would be fine and none of this would have happened." Tears blurred James eyesight but he blinked them away and rushed on. 'I wouldn't be here right now. "But I was stupid and now. . . anyway, after that Kendall started treating me differently. He resented me. And I didn't handle that very well."

"What do you mean by that?" Peter asked patiently.

"I just. . . when Kendall is on your side he'll protect you no matter what. When he's against you it's. . . scary. I was scared. He. . . he _hated _me. Every day he would either ignore me and just say these things and they hurt so bad. So I. . . I started to cut myself because I thought I deserved it and it made the pain go away for a little while."

Peter gave a small nod. "But it ended up making things even worse." He reminded James gently.

It was never easy to hear. "Yeah," James whispered. "A lot worse. Logan. . . Logan saw me. I didn't know that he saw me. But he saw me and he saw that I looked. . . happier I guess. But then the next time he saw me I was crying and it confused him. So he wanted to see how it would make him feel. He. . . he almost died. Again. And it was my fault. Again."

"James, why don't you tell me about Logan now?" Peter suggested, surprising his patient with the sudden change of subject.

The mere thought of Logan was like a hand wrapping around James' throat and squeezing tightly. He swallowed hard. "Logan is. . . was. . . before or after the accident?" He asked.

"Let's start with before."

"Right." James closed his eyes and concentrated on keeping the tears from overflowing. "Um, before. Logan was smart. Like, really smart. He was going to be a doctor. He's wanted to be a doctor ever since I can remember." He stopped and thought hard for a minute before looking up at Peter and giving a small shrug. "That's all that's really different now. He's still really caring and gentle and-" He could no longer hold back the tears. "He's still the same." He whispered.

Peter shoved a box of tissues across the table and waited until James regained control.

James hastily wiped away his tears and breathed deeply. "I mean, he's not exactly the same because he's. . . because of his. . . his brain injury." He spoke the words and then closed his eyes, feeling his heart start to ache painfully. "He needs a lot of help and everything." it was beginning to hurt to much to talk about his best friends but James forced himself to keep going, deciding that he deserved all the pain it caused him. "He's like a little kid." He whispered. "But. . . he's still the same. Just different. I don't know."

"I understand perfectly, James." Peter assured him. "It makes perfect sense. I'm just concerned with how hard you're still taking all of this. It's like you're stuck and you can't move on."

"How am I supposed to move on?" James demanded, suddenly angry. "I _destroyed_ Logan's life. It's all my fault. There's no way I'm not to blame. _I _convinced Logan to go to our rehearsal that day. _I _convinced Logan to take my car instead of his. _I _ran the red light. Logan almost _died_ because of me. I could have killed him. I would have been a murderer."

"James, you're still being too hard on yourself." Peter said cautiously. "Keep in mind that Logan never had to give into you-"

"Do _not_ blame Logan for any of this." James interrupted in a furious whisper.

Peter seemed willing to let his protest go for the moment. "You wouldn't have been a murderer, James." He said instead. "It was an accident."

"I was driving recklessly." James pointed out, refusing to back down. "Sure, it's not like I shot him in the head but really, what's the difference?"

"James, a murder happens when a person willingly takes another person's life. You didn't run that red light to hurt Logan."

James shook his head, stubbornly. "Still," He said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. "I did this to him. It's all because of me."

"Fine," Peter said easily. "It is your fault. But James, there's nothing you can do about it anymore. You can't change the past. But you can move on and focus on the future. Logan needs you. So do Kendall and Carlos. The incident that brought you to me proves that you need help. For your sake as much as your friends'."

"It's so easy to say," James breathed heavily. "And not so easy to do. I don't know how to move on. I can't forgive myself for what I've done. Never."

A long silence filled the room. Peter gazed across the table at the tortured boy in front of him. "Your refusal to forgive yourself is holding you back, James." He said gently but firmly. "Until you forgive yourself you won't really be able to move on and help Logan and your other friends to the best of your ability. I know it's hard but I think you're on your way."

James scoffed. "How?" He asked bitterly. "I feel as stuck as I did on the day the accident happened."

"Well," Peter said mildly, seemingly oblivious to his patient's anger. "You're here. I know it's not easy to accept help, especially when you don't even know that person. So," He gestured around the room. "This is a start."

Maybe it was. But James just wanted to leave. "Can I. . ." He hated to sound so ungrateful. "Can I go now?"

Peter didn't look the least bit insulted. He nodded and smiled at James. "I think that I can let you go back to your friends." He said quietly. "Same time, same place next week?"

James nodded reluctantly and mumbled a thanks. He stood up and left as quickly as he could without seeming rude. His face burned with humiliation. How much lower could he sink? At least he had the walk back to the apartment to think things over.

"Hey, James."

Surprised, James looked up to find that he wasn't alone. "K-Kendall." He choked out in a whisper.

Painful regret filled Kendall's eyes when he saw how intimidated James still was by his presence. "Hey," He said again, this time in a softer voice. He approached his best friend slowly, wincing when he saw the way James flinched away in fear. "I. . . I thought I'd walk home with you. Is that okay?"

James still couldn't meet Kendall's worried gaze. "If you really want to." He whispered.

"James, I am so sorry things got this bad." Kendall sighed and ran a shaking hand through his hair. His gaze studied James intently, taking in everything, the scars on his pale arms, the way his cheeks looked thin and hollow, everything. "I think I hurt you worse than you hurt Logan."

That got James' attention and he shook his head. "No way. Anyway, if I didn't hurt Logan then," He gestured wildly around the lobby. "None of this wold have happened."

Kendall bit his lip. "Maybe. But still. I was wrong and I hurt you really bad. What kind of friend does that make me? I mean, you're still afraid of me aren't you?"

"You're pretty scary when you're mad." James admitted with a half-grin. He relaxed his tense posture and let Kendall pull him into a comforting hug. Ironically though, he found himself holding Kendall up.

Kendall _hated_ seeing the fear in James' eyes. He _hated_ how quiet he had become. He _hated _the scars on his arms and he _hated_ how thin he had become. Part of James' problems were a direct result of the accident but another reason he had become so. . . depressed was because Kendall had practically shoved him off the edge of a cliff. And Kendall would never forgive himself for that. He sighed then and stepped away. "Well," He said, offering James a shaky grin. "Want to head over to the new apartment?"

James' smile was real that time. The Knights had finally found a bigger apartment so now he and Carlos could be with them for good. Logan was ecstatic over the idea of James and Carlos never leaving and actually, so was everyone else. They would be together. "Yeah." He said with a nod. "Let's go."

"So," Kendall asked as the two boys walked outside. "How. . . how did it go?"

"I don't really know." James' smile faded and he sighed. "Peter, that's my counselor's name, said "it was a start" but I'm not completely sure what that means. I'm scared, Kendall."

Kendall hesitated briefly before wrapping an arm around James' thin shoulders and pulling him closer. "Well, you won't be alone." He said seriously. "We're all here for you, James. Me, Carlos, and Logan."

* * *

"I'm so happy that you and Carlos can finally stay with me and Kendall." Logan told James happily later that night. "I used to miss you when you had to leave."

A small smile crossed James' face. "We missed you too, Logie." He said softly. "But at least we don't have to worry about saying goodbye any time soon."

Logan frowned. "Yeah we do." He reminded James. "Me and you both have different doctors to go to."

"True," James said slowly, thinking carefully before he said too much. He thought of Logan's therapist Emma and how she said that they couldn't spoil Logan. He had to make sure Logan knew that their current situation was for the best of everyone. "But, Logan, you and I both need our doctors."

"Why can't you come with me?" Logan asked sadly. "Emma is a nice lady. She gave me a lollipop today 'cause I said all the ABC's without forgetting any of them."

"Good for you!" James praised him.

Logan nodded, looking proud of himself. "It was red."

"Red?" James questioned, suddenly confused.

"The _lollipop_." Logan told him as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Emma gave me a red lollipop."

"Oh!" James nodded, pretending that Logan's fascination with the candy wasn't breaking his heart all over again. "Cool, Logie. Red lollipops are my favorite."

Logan brightened and he nodded. "I know!" He said enthusiastically. "That's why I saved it." He pulled the prized possession out of the pocket of his sweatshirt and handed it over to James, a broad smile on his face.

He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry. James summoned every last bit of his remaining strength and smiled back at Logan. "Thanks, buddy. I'll eat it tomorrow though okay? It's getting pretty late and I already brushed my teeth."

"Okay," Logan said looking satisfied. "I thought it might make you happier. 'Cause I know you go to your doctor because you're so sad." He patted James gently on the knee. "I don't want you to be sad, Jamie. It's better to be happy."

He was losing the battle with his tears. James kept his smile on though and nodded again. "Yeah," He managed to squeak out in a whisper. "You're right."

"Logie!" Carlos bounded into the room, followed more slowly by a weary and worried looking Kendall. "Hey, buddy, it's bedtime okay?"

"Okay," Logan said agreeably, reaching up for Carlos to have him help him stand.

Carlos bent down and supported Logan while he stood unsteadily to his feet. "I bet you'll be glad to finally get rid of your cast, won't you?" He asked, making conversation as the two boys left the living room.

Kendall watched them leave and then turned to James. "How're you holding up?" He asked, softly.

It felt so. . . good to have Kendall ask him that. It was such a relief to know that he cared again. Smiling was easy again as James nodded. "Okay," He said honestly. "It's been a long day. At least Carlos and I don't have to leave."

Kendall grinned too. "Yeah, that's pretty cool. Come on." They followed after Carlos and Logan. There were two bedrooms for the four boys. Kendall and Logan in one and James and Carlos in the other. Carlos sat on the edge of Kendall's bed, watching Logan who was already fast asleep.

Kendall pulled Carlos to his feet and gave him a tight hug. "You're amazing, you know that?" He asked, shaking his head. "Just what Logan needs. Someone who doesn't fall apart and fight every five minutes."

Carlos smiled but his eyes were filled with tears. "You're learning." He said, trying to joke.

"Slowly," James said with his eyes on Logan. "We're learning slowly. But we wouldn't be learning at all if it wasn't for you, Carlos." He yawned and then leaned against the wall. "Call us if you need us." He told Kendall in a hopeful whisper.

Kendall nodded, instantly catching on to James' tone. It was about trust. James still wasn't sure if Kendall trusted him and that made his trust lessen just a bit. "I will." He promised.

But he didn't need to call them because Logan's screams at 2:30 in the morning brought everyone rushing in. Kendall had already tripped and fallen flat on his face in his rush to get to Logan. "Logie," He called, trying to wake the other boy up.

"Logan!" James' shout was far more effective but he hadn't even meant to shout. He had just been so scared. He still was. His heart slammed into his chest and he couldn't relax until he saw Logan's brown eyes wide and staring.

"M-monsters!" Logan cried grabbing onto James and pulling him close. "There's monsters!"

"Logan," James' voice was just a whisper now and he shook his head. "There aren't-"

"Yes there are!" Logan insisted, shaking all over. Tears streamed down his pale face and sobs jerked him violently. "They're everywhere, James!"

Kendall picked himself up off the floor and joined James and Carlos in comforting Logan. "It's okay, Logan." He whispered. "We're all here. We'll protect you."

"Is everything okay?" Mrs. Knight and Katie watched from the door way, waiting to see if the boys had everything under control.

"I-I don't know." Kendall stammered in a shaky voice. "Logie?" He finally caught Logan's attention and gripped the smaller boy's shoulders tightly. "Hey, listen to me. If there are any monsters out there then I promise that James and Carlos and I will take care of you, okay? You don't ever need to be afraid."

Logan was slowly calming down, his shivers becoming less frequent as the seconds ticked by. "Uh-huh." He said, breathing deeply. "Okay. Can you. . . can you check though, Kendall?"

Making sure that Logan was in good hands with Carlos and James, Kendall nodded then stood up. "See?" He called as he opened the closet door. "No monsters."

"U-under the bed?" Logan guessed in a faltering and frightened whisper as he watched his "big brother" move around the room. "Jamie, don't let the monsters get him." He pleaded, receiving a reassuring squeeze in answer.

"No monsters." Kendall reported after ducking his head under both beds. "See? You're safe. We all are."

"Logie," Carlos said comfortingly. "How about me and James stay in here tonight? Will that male you feel safer?" When Logan practically nodded his head off, Carlos grinned. "Okay, we'll be right back then."

Kendall sat with Logan while James and Carlos gathered their sleeping stuff and brought it into the other room, laying it out on the floor. "See, Logan?" He said with a smile. "No monster are ever going to get in here. We're all too scary for them."

Logan finally smiled again. "Monsters are silly." He said as his eyes began to drift shut again. "'Cause you're all so nice to me and everyone."

Kendall didn't answer him. He only thought of his actions that had nearly torn them apart all over again. And he wondered if he had been unintentionally lying to Logan all along. He wondered if monsters really did exist.

**A/N. Lalala. They all need therapy if you ask me. I really hope this was worth the long wait because it's been longer than a month afrgt that's so awful. So um, review? I'll update something ASAP but I might be a little busy this week. Don't forget Boyce Avenue's cover of 'Perfect' because every little bit helps! Love you all!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N. Well, despite the oncoming migraine I have, I am in a good mood. Because for the first time I my life I have a real spring break. I have absolutely nothing due this week! And the due date for my essay on 'The Odyssey' got pushed back a full week. YES. So. I don't own anything.**

"Kendall?"

Kendall jumped at the sound of Logan's soft voice and hurriedly turned to look at his friend. "What's up, buddy?" He asked gently, trying to ignore the ever present look of confusion on the other boy's face.

Logan sighed and rested his head on Kendall's shoulder, smiling a little when he felt an arm wrap around his shoulders. "I miss my mommy and daddy." He admitted quietly, tears pooling his in deep brown eyes.

Kendall's throat tightened and he had to blink back tears from his own eyes when he saw how upset Logan was about his parents. Before the accident, Logan would hardly ever speak about his mother or his father because it just hurt him to much to do so. It made him miss them more. He also never wanted to trouble anyone with his grief and so he mostly kept his true feeling locked deep inside of himself. But now, all those long held back feelings and tears were coming to the surface in Logan's extreme vulnerability. Part of Kendall was glad that his friend was more open but the rest of him knew it was only because of the tragic circumstances.

"Why did they have to die?"

The question brought Kendall out of his inner musings and he glanced at Logan, a sigh escaping him. How in the world was he supposed to answer that question? "I don't know, Logan." He finally said, deciding that it would only make things worse if he tried to attempt at a deeper answer. "It's not fair, is it?"

Logan shook his head, the tears in his eyes beginning to fall. "I want them here with me." He said in a broken hearted whisper. "I'm scared, Kenny."

One of the hardest parts about dealing with Logan's situation was the childlike nicknames he often used. Kendall could still remember a time when they all used them without a second thought. "Carlitos" and "Logie" had stuck while "Kenny" and "Jamie" were the ones that faded when the boys matured a little. "Jamie" had been exchanged for the occasional "Jay" while Kendall had simply lost a nickname all together. He used to be jealous of the fact that he was really the only one without a nickname but now it hurt to hear his all over again, spoken with such earnestness. "Why are you scared, Logie?" He asked, automatically reverting back to Logan's own nickname because it had always made him feel better.

A tiny sob shook Logan's whole frame and he buried his face into Kendall's shoulder, gripping onto his shirt with one hand. "They made me feel safe." He said quietly. Then, as if sensing that he might have hurt Kendall's feelings, "You make me feel safe too but what if they take me away from you?"

Kendall frowned, not understanding. "Who would take you away from us, Logie? We _adopted_ you. You're not going anywhere."

"Are you sure?" Logan asked, sounding slightly more cheerful.

"Of course." Kendall assured him, wondering where the irrational thought had even come from. "Besides, they have no reason to take you away. We take good care of you, right?"

A small smile eased onto Logan's tear-stained face and he nodded. "The best." He said, releasing Kendall's shirt with his hand but moving closer at the same time. "I'm really happy that you're my big brother 'cause you're the best big brother. And I love Katie and my new mommy too. But I still miss my old mommy and now I don't have a daddy at all."

If things had been normal, Kendall wouldn't have had a problem with telling Logan that he was better off anyway without his father who had all but abandoned him after Mrs. Mitchell died. He might have said that he was glad Ryan Mitchell had died so that they could adopt him. Things were just better that way. But Logan's memory had obviously been affected in such a way that he couldn't remember those days he spent alone at only eight years old because his father was in the office all day. And for that, Kendall couldn't help but be a little grateful. "You have us." He said, not knowing what else he could possibly tell Logan.

"Uh-huh." Logan nodded and sighed deeply. "I'm happy but I'm also sad. I remember when my mommy used to sing to me at night and when my daddy would tell me stories that he made up."

Kendall tensed. They had all been too young when Logan's mother died, changing his home life drastically. They had never asked Logan about what things had been like before because the subject was too painful for him. But now, Logan obviously needed someone to listen and Kendall couldn't help but be curious about learning of the part of his friend's life that he had never known. "Oh yeah?" He asked, waiting for Logan to go on.

"Yup. Mommy sang me lullabies. Sometimes she made up her own and sometimes she sang ones that everyone knows. And my daddy told the best stories. Mommy always told me that he should write his own book with stories but he said he wanted us to be the only ones to know them. He said it was our little secret."

In all honesty, Kendall had no clear memory of Mr. Mitchell being a good father. He had vague, blurred, and confused memories but that was all. Logan's words were so foreign to him that he doubted them a little before he remembered what his own parents used to say. That Ryan Mitchell had indeed once been a wonderful father. "Do you-" He broke off when his voice cracked slightly and swallowed hard before trying again. "Do you remember any of them, Logan?"

"The stories?" Logan tilted his head to watch Kendall nod. "Yeah, I do. But I'm not gonna tell you because they're still me and my daddy's secrets."

A laugh escaped Kendall and he nodded again. "Okay, buddy. That's fair to me."

"My daddy also taught me how to skate." Logan said then, bringing up one of the clearer memories that Kendall had of so long ago when everything had been perfect. "That's how we all met. Remember?"

"Of course I remember." Kendall said with a real smile. "That was the best day ever."

Logan nodded in agreement. "But Kenny, I don't know if I remember how to skate." He said with a frown. "What am I going to do?"

"I'll teach you, remember?" Kendall promised. "I'm going to teach you how to skate and how to climb a tree and how to fish-"

"What else?" Logan asked, looking eager at the mention of all the fun things that awaited him after his recovery.

"Let's see," Kendall pretended to be in deep thought. "I'll teach you how to hit a baseball because baseball is a cool game to play too. I'll teach you how. . ." He trailed off, stumbling slightly, but rushed on when he saw Logan waiting expectantly. "I'll teach you how to read the best books and how to tell time and-"

"So all of the things that I used to know but forgot?" Logan guessed hopefully.

Tears stung Kendall's eyes but he refused to let them fall. "Yeah. Does that sound good?"

All traces of sadness were gone from Logan's face. "Yeah," He said, completely content. "I can't wait to get better." He gestured to his broken leg stretched out before him. "Then we can have lots of fun together. You and me and Jamie and Carlos. Just the way it used to be."

Kendall looked away quickly and wiped furiously at the tears that had insisted on falling. "Yeah," He echoed Logan. "Just the way it used to be."

"Why are you sad if I'm getting better?" Logan asked, instantly catching sight of Kendall's tears.

_Because you're not really getting better and we can't go back to the way things were ever again._ Kendall didn't dare speak aloud until he had better control of his emotions. "I'm just sad that you had to get hurt in the first place." He said, working hard to keep his voice steady.

A worried frown crossed Logan's face. "Like James?" He guessed. "He's sad all the time. Is that why he has to go to a doctor all the time? To make him happy?"

James. Kendall didn't think it was possible to forgive himself for the damage he did to his other friend. He was supposed to be the protector and instead his actions had nearly torn them apart from one another. He was the reason James was at another session with his counselor with Carlos waiting for him so he wouldn't be alone. "Kind of." He answered Logan reluctantly, knowing that the less he knew about what was really going on, the better.

"You and James," Logan said with a sigh. "You should be more happy like me and Carlos."

And that brought up yet another issue that had been weighing heavily in the back of Kendall's mind for weeks now. Carlos had been far too strong for way too long. He had changed from an innocent, care-free and fun-loving teenager to an adult since the accident. As proud as Kendall was, he was also extremely worried because deep down he knew that there was no way Carlos was really as strong as he appeared to be. It was only a matter of time before-

"Hey, guys." At that moment, James and Carlos walked through the apartment door followed by Mrs. Knight and Katie who had gone out to run errands at the grocery store.

"You're all home at the same time!" Logan proclaimed in delight.

"Yeah, good timing, huh?" Carlos asked as he seated himself on the floor, in front of Logan. "What did you two do while we were all gone?"

"Um," Logan's brow furrowed in concentration. "We had lunch. Kendall made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Then we played _Candyland_ because that's my favorite game. I was the little red man 'cause red is my favorite color. I won."

"Nice," Carlos reached up to meet Logan's hand in a high-five. "Anything else?"

Logan shrugged. "Nope. We talked. And now you're all home! Can we play _Candyland_ again?"

"Sure," James spoke then and retrieved the children's board game from the top shelf where Kendall had placed it. From memory of their earlier days he handed Kendall the blue piece, Carlos the green piece, Logan the red piece, while keeping the yellow piece for himself.

But Carlos sat frozen, staring at the game piece in his hands. He seemed lost in thought, oblivious to Logan's enthusiasm and Kendall's and James' concern. Finally, he spoke in a voice that sounded like someone had taken him by the shoulders and was shaking him roughly. "I. . . I'm tired." He watched as Logan looked at him in confusion and rushed on to finish before his tears fell. "I think. . . I'm going to take a nap. Why don't you play with James and Kendall for now?"

"Well," Logan looked doubtful at the prospect of just the three of them playing. "Okay," He reached over and patted Carlos' arm "Sweet dream!" He said brightly.

Carlos bit down on his bottom lip so hard that he tasted blood. With every ounce of his failing self-control he smiled back at Logan and whispered a thanks before stumbling to his feet and hurrying off to his bedroom. He closed the door quietly behind him and then sank down on his bed, drawing his knees to his chest and pressing a pillow to his face to muffle the oncoming sobs. At first he merely shook, making no noise at all. But then he heard the door open and close again and felt the mattress dip under a new weight. He felt a strong pair of arms wrap around him tightly and he opened his eyes to see fading scars on pale skin. Then the flood gates opened and Carlos cried harder than he had ever cried in his entire life as James held him.

James didn't say anything. He knew from personal experience that no words would bring the comfort Carlos needed now. Instead he simply tightened his hold on Carlos and let his own tears fall. One trembling hand ran in clumsy circles on Carlos' back while the other rested gently on the back of his head. He felt tears soaking into the shoulder of his t-shirt but he didn't move an inch.

"I'm s-sorry." Carlos finally stammered out in between his slowing sobs. He tried to pull away but didn't protest when the arms around him tightened, holding him firmly in place.

"Don't be sorry, Carlos." James' voice broke and he took a deep breath to steady himself. "Don't ever be sorry. You've been everything up until this point. It's. . . it's okay to cry."

"B-but," Carlos struggled to regain control of himself. "What about L-Logan? He wanted to play-"

"Mama Knight and Katie and playing with Logan and Kendall." James said quietly. "Logan doesn't mind.

Carlos sighed deeply. "It. . . it just hurts so much." He said sadly. "I've been trying to be strong for Logan and for everyone. But I'm so tired and just now. . . it reminded me of how we used to play _Candyland_ all the time when we were little and I thought of how you and I and Kendall were playing it the day. . . the day Logan and his mom were in the car accident and his mom died. And I thought of how different Logan is now and I wanted to play but. . . I couldn't." He shook his head helplessly. "I don't really know how to explain it."

"You don't need to." James assured him. "I understand and I bet Kendall will too."

But Carlos shook his head. "Don't tell Kendall." He pleaded. "He doesn't need to worry about me. He has enough-"

"Carlos," James interrupted firmly. "You matter just as much as Logan does."

"That's not true." Carlos said in stubborn disagreement.

"Yes it is." James wavered slightly, seeing how little Carlos suddenly thought of himself. "Carlos, just because Logan. . . has different needs, it doesn't mean that you matter any less. We still love you and want you to be okay."

"But you don't need to worry about me." Carlos insisted. "You all have enough to worry about. Logan needs me because he's so. . . helpless. You need me because of how. . . of what happened with Kendall. And K-Kendall needs me because of you _and _Logan. I'm still okay."

James laughed through his tears. "You're more than okay, Carlos." He whispered. "You're the strongest, most fantastic person I've ever known. But no one is perfect even though you're as close as anyone can get. I mean, don't take this wrong, but I'd be more worried if you _didn't _cry. I'm. . . I'm kind of glad that you're crying now. Buddy, everything is so different now but one thing is still, and always will be the same."

The idea of something remaining the same in the midst of their topsy-turvy life caught Carlos' attention and he pulled away from James just enough so that he could see him. "What's that?" He asked in a tone that was both hopeful and tired.

James gave him a lopsided grin, his eyes still shiny with unshed tears. "We still all need each other. So that means you need us just as much as we need you. And Carlos, we need you so freakin' much right now."

At last Carlos smiled just a little bit. He leaned back up again James and closed his eyes, relaxing. "I have the best friends in the world." He whispered.

"Me too." James said solemnly. He felt Carlos relax against him even more until he felt the smaller boy breathing deeply and he realized he had fallen asleep. He wondered if Carlos had been sleeping at nights and he felt slightly guilty that he had never thought to ask before. "We forgot about you, didn't we?" He mused thoughtfully. The self-hatred rose up inside of him then, screaming at him that he was stupid and had forgotten all about Carlos. What kind of friend was he?

But then James stubbornly shut out that less than kind voice inside his head. "Shut up." He mumbled to himself. "I don't need to listen to you anymore. I'm going to start listening to my friends now." Because when it came right down to it, he trusted his friends far more than he trusted himself.

He glanced down at Carlos who had remained fast asleep while he talked to himself. "We won't let it happen again." He vowed. "We'll look after each other again. Just like we used to and just like we always will."

**A/N. Lala, this chapter is longer than I thought it would be which always makes me happy. James and Kendall won this chapter, yes they did. I broke Carlos hahahhaa -slapped- WELL IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN. Anyway, thank you to all of my loyal readers and reviewers, especially those who took the time to R&R 'Heaven' because that was really important to me I really neeeded it this week and sgjttt your support always makes me feel better. I love you all!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N. Ahem. You should all follow me on Tumblr because I started a blog where I'll be talking about my writing and other stuff that no one cares about. Yeah. MissFenway on Tumblr if you're ever bored. I don't own anything.**

"Kendall, can we go _now_?" Logan pleaded impatiently. He rocked back and forth on his feet and folded his arms across his chest, frowning at his friends.

Kendall threw a glance over his shoulder at James who had that tense, nervous look that had come to haunt him whenever they drove somewhere. The other boy caught his worried gaze and tried to smile but it was clear that he was afraid. "Sure, Logie. Just hang on a second, okay?" He tried to sound normal but the slight strain in his voice gave him away.

Logan ceased his excited bouncing and followed his gaze to look at James. "Is he okay?" He asked, turning back to look at Kendall and then at Carlos who kept looking at every one of his friends, never seeming to decide who he was worried about the most.

James jumped as Carlos gently nudged him. "Yeah, I'm fine, Logan." He said softly. "I just don't like to drive, remember?"

"Uh-huh." Logan nodded, looking slightly puzzled by James' fear of driving. "But you won't be driving." He reminded his friend. "Kendall will."

"I know," James cleared his throat and grinned sheepishly. "I guess I'm being silly, aren't I?"

Logan grinned broadly and nodded. "Yup!" He said cheerfully, reaching up to mess up James' hair. "You're so silly, James." He added with a small laugh. "Come, on!" He lowered his hand and grabbed James by the wrist. "Let's go! I want to learn how to skate and Kendall said that him and you and Carlos are gonna teach me again."

"Kendall's right," James sighed and allowed Logan to lead him out of the safety of the apartment. He watched Logan carefully out of the corner of his eye. It was a relief to see how well he was doing now that the cast had been taken off his healing leg. There was a slight limp that the doctor said might never go away but it didn't seem to cause Logan much pain. That was a small comfort.

Carlos and Kendall hurried after their two friends, each holding their hockey skates slung over their shoulders as they went. "You're sure the doctor said he's up for this?" Carlos asked Kendall fretfully. "I mean, his leg will be okay?"

Kendall nodded. 'Yeah, the doctor _and_ Emma and Mark said that he'll be fine as long as we're careful. We won't be out long but I think it'll be nice for Logan to do something. . . you know something he used to do before. . ." He fell silent, not bothering to finish his sentence.

"Okay," Carlos said, understanding Kendall completely.

"Hey," Kendall stopped him right before they got to the car. "Are you doing okay?" It had been two weeks since Carlos' breakdown but Kendall and James were careful to make sure their friend never got that far away from them again.

Carlos shrugged. "I'm okay I guess." He said softly. "Some days are harder than others.

"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "I know what you mean. But how are you today?"

Carlos stared past Kendall to watch James and Logan. "I think it'll be good for all of us to get out." He replied in a whisper.

Kendall said nothing but shifted both pairs of skates he was holding so that they rested on one shoulder. He swung his free arm over Carlos' shoulders and gave him a small squeeze. "Well, let's not keep them waiting any longer then." He couldn't help but smile when he saw Logan look back at them as if he was wondering if they were ever coming.

"Finally," Logan said with an exaggerated sigh. He climbed in the back, making sure that he was between James and Carlos. When Kendall got in, he looked mournfully at his friend sitting behind the steering wheel. "I wish you could sit with us too, Kenny."

Kendall looked at him in the rear view mirror and smiled. "It's okay, Logan. The mall isn't that far away. We'll be there soon."

James tensed as Kendall started the car and then glanced over to make sure everyone was buckled in. With nothing else to do he leaned his head against the back of his seat and closed his eyes, concentrating on taking deep, even breaths. He listened to his friends banter back and forth and he listened to Logan ask Kendall every two minutes if they were almost at the mall. Sorrow made his heart throb painfully but he said nothing.

"We're here!" Kendall finally announced, trying to shut out the sound of James sighing in relief. He found a parking space close to the entrance and got out to wait for the other boys. "Ready to skate, Logie?"

"Are we gonna play hockey too?" Logan asked eagerly, batting away James' hands he checked and rechecked the straps of his helmet. "Jamie, it's fine!" He protested in a small whine.

"Yeah well, I just want to make sure." James said calmly. "And no, we're not going to play hockey today. First we have to get you used to the ice again. One thing at a time, buddy." He checked Logan's helmet one last time before forcing himself to turn away. "Okay, let's go."

Carlos stuck close to Logan's side, watching for other people's reactions as they walked into the mall. They hadn't ventured out in public much since the accident but they all knew that they couldn't hide away for long. He just hoped that the press would stay out of it for today at least. Everyone was still so fragile, especially James, and Carlos was afraid of what tactless reporters' questions might do to him. Thankfully, those who did recognize them only stared for a brief time before averting their gazes and distracting themselves with something less heartbreaking than a teenage boy who acted like a six-year-old.

"Here it is!" Kendall pointed out the mall's indoor ice rink to Logan. "Here, sit down and we'll get your skates on." He dropped to his knees in front of the bench and hurriedly undid the laces on Logan's skate before sliding them on. He was extremely careful with the skate that went on Logan's formally broken leg. He didn't want to hurt his friend.

But Logan seemed oblivious to everything else but the ice rink. As Kendall struggled to ease his skates on as gently as possible, he tried to twist around to state at the rink. "I remember skating now!" He said happily. "I don't remember _how _to do it though."

"Sit still okay, Logan?" James said, biting his lip in worry. "As soon as we all get our skates on we'll show you how. I'm sure it'll come back to you in no time." He sat down next to Logan and quickly pulled on his own skates, finishing at the same time as Kendall finished with Logan. "Nope, now we wait for Kendall and Carlos." He said, stopping Logan from rising to his feet. "Be careful. It's a little hard to walk with skates on."

"Carlos," Logan began, catching Carlos' attention in a split second. "Are you guys sure I'll remember how to skate? What if I don't?"

"Hey, don't worry about that." Carlos ordered. "I know you'll remember. Kendall and James know it too. You'll see. Just wait." He hurriedly finished lacing his skates and then stood up with Kendall. "Ready, guys?"

Kendall gripped Logan firmly by the arms and helped him up, holding onto him tightly when he swayed, caught off guard by the unbalance. "You're fine." He assured his friend when he looked a little frightened. "Once we get on the ice it's more like sliding. Like the other day when you had your socks on and you and Carlos were sliding on the wooden floor in the kitchen." He grinned when he saw Carlos' face light up at the fun memory. It had been one of those days when they could almost avoid thinking about how they were all too old to be doing something like sliding in their socks.

Logan clung tightly to Kendall as they walked slowly over to the ice. Thankfully, it was empty other than a handful of very young children with their mothers. Logan waited for Kendall and James and Carlos all to get on the ice first before he cautiously ventured out with them. Instantly, his feet slipped but he never came close to falling because all three of his friends had a firm grip on him.

Carlos let out the breath he had been holding when it only took a few strides for Logan to get used to the smooth surface of the ice. "See, Logan?" He asked, happily. He couldn't help but grin at the natural grace that Logan obviously still had on the ice. Sure, he was a little more unsteady than he had ever been, but that would go away with time and practice.

Logan looked extremely proud of himself as they made their way around the rink. He was perfectly oblivious to the curious stares they were attracting from the little kids on the ice rink with them. "Look at me!" He said excitedly. "I'm skating again! I remember!"

James had quickly discovered that it was easier if he didn't look at the strangers around him. It was harder when he saw how sympathetic everyone was toward their situation. But he couldn't block out the whispered questions the kids were asking their mothers.

"Mommy, why does that big kid have a helmet on?"

"Why can't he skate by himself?"

"Why is that boy acting so funny?"

_They're just little kids_. James reminded himself. _They don't know any better._ He watched as Logan let go of Carlos to smile brightly and wave to a little girl that had her big blue eyes glued to the four older boys. He held his breath, watching and waiting for her response.

"Hi!" The little girl tugged her mother to the side of the wall where the boy's were. "My name is Lily. What's yours?"

"Logan," Logan answered with a grin. "Lily is a pretty name."

The little girl blushed. "Thanks," She said shyly. "Logan is a nice name too."

"Thanks!" Logan then pointed out all of his friends to Lily and her mother. "These are my friends, Kendall, Carlos and James. Actually Kendall is my big brother too 'cause his mommy adopted me. My real mommy and daddy are dead." He looked a little sad as he told her this but the pain wasn't as clear. He looked more content now.

"Aw, I'm sorry." Lily said sadly. "I had a baby brother named Sammy but he died too. Do you think your mommy and daddy know Sammy in Heaven? Are they all angels up there?"

"Oh yeah," Logan said, nodding so hard that his helmet slid over his eyes. He pushed it back impatiently, ignoring James who insisted on checking it once again. "I bet they're all the most beautiful angels."

A wide smile crossed Lily's face and she nodded. "Guess what," She said, suddenly changing the subject. "I'm only seven but I'm gonna be a famous ice skater one day. I'm gonna win a gold medal at the Olympics and wear pretty skating dresses. Will you watch me on TV?"

"'Course." Logan assured her. "Then I can tell everybody how I met you. I'm seventeen and I had an accident with James. But one day I'm gonna be a doctor and I'll help people like me feel better."

At last Lily's mother spoke. "That's a lovely idea, sweetheart." She said warmly. "I'm sure you'll be a great doctor." She was talking to Logan but her eyes were on James who looked on the verge of falling apart once more.

James gripped the wall and blinked back the tears that hovered in his eyes. Frustrated at himself for showing weakness in front of people other than his best friends, he scrubbed at his eyes until they hurt. He couldn't cry.

Sensing James' vulnerability, Kendall cleared his throat. "It was nice meeting you," He said to Lily and her mother. "But we have to go soon so we'd better try and get around the rink a few times before we leave."

"Okay!" Lily said with a nod. "Let's let them skate then, mommy. Bye, Logan and Logan's friends!"

Logan waved goodbye and then let go of his friends. "Let me try by myself!" He insisted. "Please?"

"He'll be fine." Carlos told Kendall and James who both looked doubtful. "Besides, we have to let him try by himself eventually. Why not today?"

"Because today is the first day," Kendall said. But he let go of Logan all the same, keeping both arms outstretched just in case. "James?"

James took a deep breath and let go of Logan, his fingertips remaining inches from Logan's shoulder. "You're doing great, Logan!" He said encouragingly. "Totally natural." It was true. It was like Logan had never stepped off the ice. But that didn't make James feel any better. He was worried about Logan's leg. The cast had been off for a week now but it was still weak and unsteady.

Logan wobbled very slightly then and instantly three pairs of arms steadied him. "You worry too much." He mumbled as he gently shook them off. "I'm okay, see? Besides, if I fall I have my helmet." He patted the helmet on his head and gave each of his friend's a reassuring smile.

"You won't fall, Logie." Carlos said, trying to return Logan's smile. "We won't let you fall. We'll catch you."

"Exactly," Logan said. "So you don't have anything to worry about. I trust you."

"Okay," Kendall said. He dropped his arms to his side, ignoring the looks of surprise that James and Carlos gave him. "You trust us so we'll trust you." He smiled a little when James and Carlos slowly mimicked his actions but remained tense and ready.

"Since I'm doing such a good job now, do you think we can play hockey next time we come?" Logan asked as they inched across the ice.

His tone was hopeful so Kendall regretted refusing him. "Nope. Sorry, Logie. We'd better wait until your leg gets a little more better before we try hockey. Just pretend that you're playing for the Minnesota Wild and that you got hurt so now you have to work yourself up where you were before."

Logan laughed. "You're funny," He told Kendall. "But okay. That sounds like a good idea to me."

They only made it around the large rink a handful of times before Logan started to drag his weaker leg slightly behind him. It set him off balance and he wobbled precariously until his friends insisted on holding onto him again. "I'm tired." He said with a sad sigh. "But I don't really wanna stop."

"There will be other days, Logan." Kendall assured him as they turned back to the door. "We don't want to overdo things on your first day back. Let's go home and get some rest."

"Can we watch a movie?" Logan asked, leaning heavily on the others.

"Yup, what movie do you want to watch?" Carlos asked. They stepped off the ice and led Logan to the nearest bench. "Let me get your skates this time."

Logan watched as Carlos undid his laces and pondered the question. "Um, can we watch _The Lion King_?" He asked hopefully.

Carlos was the only one who didn't flinch at the name of their childhood favorite movie. "Great idea, Logan!" He said enthusiastically.

Logan smiled and then tilted his head up at James. "I'm tired and my leg hurts. Can you carry me?"

James hesitated, debating if this was one of those moments he should refuse so Logan didn't get his way all the time. But then again, Logan's leg was bothering him and he was tired. "Climb on my back, buddy." He said with a hint of a smile. "I'll give you a piggy back ride. How does that sound?"

A wide grin lightened Logan's weary face and he let Kendall help him stand before wrapping his arms around James' neck and holding tightly to his shoulders when he straightened up. "You're so tall, Jamie." He marveled, leaning forward to rest his chin on top on James' head.

"All right," Kendall breathed. He picked up his skates and James' skates while Carlos held onto his own and Logan's skates. "Let's go home and watch a movie."

"_The Lion King_." Logan corrected sleepily.

"Are you okay, James?" Kendall whispered as they set off for the mall exit.

James nodded and tightened his grip on Logan's legs. "I'm fine."

"I mean. . . are you okay?" Kendall pressed."

"Oh," James said, realizing that Kendall wasn't asking him how he was physically. "That." He thought carefully before answering and then shot Kendall a lopsided grin. "I'm as good as you and Carlos are."

Carlos heard the exchange and he looked at Kendall. "Great," They said as one, because aside from Logan, none of them were doing well.

**A/N. That was a depressing ending. -shot- Anyway, yeah. Review and maybe follow me on Tumblr? Lol. I love you all. Have a great weekend! -heart-**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N. I know I should probably be updating 'How to Save a Life' first but. . . I've been wanting to do this so a long time and I can't wait anymore. I don't own anything. **

The boys reentered the apartment to find that Mrs. Knight and Katie were still out running errands. Kendall and Carlos hurried to put away their hockey skates while James took Logan into the family room to set up _The Lion King. _"Sit here, buddy." He said softly, eying Logan in concern. He had done so well on the ice but it was clear that the excursion had tired him out. "How does your leg feel?"

"It's hurts a little bit," Logan told him. He held up two fingers spaced a few inches apart. "Like, just this much though."

James nodded and smiled. "Good. I'm glad. Did you have fun today?"

"Uh-huh." A cheerful grin lit up Logan's entire face. "I like skating. I hope we can go again soon and that we can play hockey soon too." He watched James turn the TV on and then laid his head against his shoulder when he joined him on the couch. "I forget what happens in this movie but I want to watch it anyway. I think it used to be one of my favorite movies. What's your favorite movie, James?"

It was on the tip on James' tongue to tell Logan how ever since they were eight, his favorite movie had been _Miracle_. He wanted to tell Logan how he had seen it so many times that he could probably quote it from beginning to end and that he still wound up on the edge of his seat during the game between the U.S. and Russia. He wanted to tell Logan how he always thought it was incredibly cool that they used the actual audio of Al Micheal's famous "Do you believe in miracles?" call. But he didn't because all he wanted was his own miracle and it wasn't very likely he would ever get it. "Um," He said slowly, realizing that Logan wasn't paying attention to the previews because he was still waiting for a response. "_The Lion King_." He finally said with a small smile.

"What about _The Lion King_?" Kendall asked as he and Carlos walked in and sat down on the couch with James and Logan.

"It's Jamie's favorite movie," Logan answered swiftly, looking very pleased. "Now shhhh! It's starting!" He slapped a hand over Kendall's mouth and pressed a finger to his lips, keeping his eyes riveted to the television. He jumped slightly when the sun rose and the music started suddenly. Then he laughed and dropped both hands into his lap, totally drawn into the movie.

Carlos sighed, thinking of how _The Lion King_ really had been their favorite movie when they were younger. They watched it all the time and always sang along with the songs, especially James who, even as a little kid, dreamed of being a star. But it was different now. They were teenagers in high school. None of them sang because Logan didn't remember the words and the rest of them didn't have the heart. He blinked back tears determined not to cry when Logan was so content. Later. He could cry later.

He let himself cry more often now but he still tried to do it when Logan wasn't around. Usually it was late at night when he was having trouble sleeping. Kendall or James or both of them were always there for him when he needed them. That was one good thing at least. They had accepted their current situation and learned that there was no way they would be able to keep going without help. Their dependence on one another was absolute but it was the only way.

Kendall glanced at Carlos and gave him an encouraging smile. But he was distracted. They were only ten minutes into the movie when he remembered something and he suddenly had the urge to turn the TV off and distract Logan with something else. He questioned why the thought had never occurred to him until it was too late. There was no way that Logan would want to stop watching the movie now. He was as absorbed in it as if he was watching it for the very first time, that horrible look of wonder in his eyes. Helpless, Kendall leaned in close to James when Logan turned to ask Carlos something. "Mufasa dies," He whispered.

James' eyes widened and he drew in a sharp breath. "Shoot," He muttered. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking of that problem before Kendall mentioned it. When they were little the death of Simba's father had practically scarred them for life the first time they witnessed it. They had been five and had never faced any kind of loss before. Now Logan was fragile and sensitive and this stupid movie would probably devastate him all over again. James knew that the chances of getting Logan to do something else were very slim but he had to try. "Hey, Logie-" He started.

"Shhh!" Logan's eyes were still huge and unblinking as he watched Simba and Nala explore the Elephant Graveyard. The tiniest bit of fear was in his eyes but he clearly felt comforted by the fact that his friends were right with him.

"Logan, how about we take a break and eat a snack?" James asked anyway, desperate now.

"I'm not hungry," Logan whispered, shaking his head. "James, can you be quiet please? I can't hear when you talk."

Carlos shot a curious glance over at James and Kendall. He grew even more confused when both of his friends started making strange hand gestures and mouthing some words back at him. Finally, when James pointed frantically to the TV screen and Mufasa, then made a slitting motion across his throat, he understood. He swallowed hard and nodded. This wasn't going to end well.

But Logan refused their numerous attempts to distract him, repeatedly asking them with the utmost politeness to be quiet so he could hear what everyone was saying and singing. Eventually they all gave up and resigned themselves to the fact that Logan was going to at least make it until the aftermath of the stampede before he would do anything else. Maybe he would understand that it was only a movie and that Mufasa's death wasn't real.

And maybe, James thought as he sneaked a peak at Logan, he would find a time machine and go back to the day of the accident and fix things so that they would never end up where they were. He couldn't keep his gaze still and kept glancing back and forth between Logan and the movie, watching for his every reaction. There was no way this was going to end well and he frantically began to wrack his brain to think of something that would make Logan feel better. But as the dust cleared to reveal the magnificent lion laying motionless on the ground, it became impossible to think.

Logan pulled away from the arm that Carlos had wrapped around his shoulders and linked forward. He stared without blinking as if hoping to catch some movement from Mufasa. He was confused at first and spoke without turning away. "Why won't Simba's daddy wake up?"

"Logie," Carlos began gently. But he never finished his sentence because what could he say? Instead he reached over to Logan and pulled back into the one armed hug, sighing in relief when he didn't pull away again.

Tears pooled in Logan's brown eyes as Simba continued in vain to wake his father up. "What's wrong with him?" He asked sadly. "Why isn't he waking up?" He fell silent when Simba began crying, waiting for Mufasa to open his eyes and comfort the young lion cub. When Scar came into view, Logan turned his head away and buried his face against Carlos' chest, in tears.

"'Oh Logie," James said, hating himself all over again. "I'm sorry, buddy. It's okay though. It's not real. It's just a movie."

"That doesn't. . . make it better!" Logan sobbed, refusing to be comforted. "Simba's daddy is dead! He was a good lion, why did he have to die? He was so nice and he kept Simba safe and now he's dead and he can't keep Simba safe anymore. Simba doesn't have a daddy anymore! A-and now Simba reminds me of me 'cause I don't have a d-daddy either and that makes me sad! And S-Scar is such a m-meanie. Why doesn't he like S-Simba or Mufasa?"

"Because," James said. "Some people just aren't good." He flinched when Kendall smacked him lightly on the back of his head.

"But," Kendall cut in before James could say anything else. "You don't have to worry about anyone hurting you because we all love you, Logan. We're. . ." he swallowed hard, questioning his next statement even though he was saying it for James' benefit as much as Logan's. "We're all good people, right?" He chickened out at the last minute and turned it into a question for Logan.

At least it worked to distract Logan. He lifted his face from where it had been smashed into Carlos' shirt and nodded. "'Course," He said with a sniff. "But poor Simba! He doesn't have a Kendall or a James or a Carlos. He's all alone."

"Logie, he won't be alone for too long." Carlos said comfortingly. "He'll meet Timon and Pumba and they'll be best friends. You'll see."

"Really?" Logan asked, hopeful once again. "But I bet he'll always miss his daddy just like I'll always miss my mommy and my daddy."

"Logan," James said suddenly. "I have an idea that might make you feel better."

Logan looked doubtful. "What?"

James glanced at Kendall and Carlos who were watching him curiously. "How about we go to the zoo tomorrow and see real lions?"

Instantly, it was as if Logan had never been upset. His whole face lit up and he nodded enthusiastically. "Really? Can we, James?"

"James," Kendall broke in before James could say anything. "We're all supposed to go to that group therapy tomorrow."

James made a face. "I have enough therapy, thanks." He muttered. "How about if Logan and I go and you guys meet up with us later on?"

Kendall started to disagree but then Carlos caught his eye and nodded. Kendall looked at Logan and James to see matching expressions on their faces, pleading for his permission. It wasn't just Logan. Kendall hadn't seen James look so eager to do something in a long time. There was no way he could say no. "Okay, I guess it couldn't hurt. Um, but there's one thing. How will you get there?"

"Oh," James was quiet. He was nowhere close to getting back behind the wheel.

"The bus!" Carlos reminded them. "That's easy enough, right?"

James nodded, relieved. "Yeah. Real easy."

"So we're going to the zoo tomorrow?" Logan was practically bouncing on the couch.

"Sure, why not?" A real smile spread over James' face. "It'll be fun."

Content with the promise of a fun-filled day tomorrow, Logan smiled and leaned against James one more time and focused his attention back on the movie. "I can't wait to see Simba," He said happily.

Kendall couldn't help but smile when he saw the relief on James' face. He realized then that the request to go to the zoo hadn't just been an attempt to avoid a therapy session. James still doubted if the others trusted him with Logan. But as he watched James pull Logan closer to him, he couldn't help but wonder why he had ever doubted James himself. Now that they were all moving on with their lives, James had adjusted to the point where he was incredible with Logan. They all were in their own way but while Carlos was the fun and sunshine and Kendall was the protective older brother, James had started to become like a father figure to Logan. Kendall was proud of both James and Carlos and he knew that Logan would be perfectly fine at the zoo as long as James was there with him.

**

* * *

**

"James, let's go!" Logan tugged on James' hand impatiently. "I wanna see Simba and Pumba and Timon and Nala! Do you think Zazu will be there too?"

"I don't know, buddy." James said honestly. "I haven't been to the zoo in a while and I've never been to this one."

Logan frowned slightly. "Do you think we'll be able to find Simba?" He asked.

"Of course we will," James assured him quickly. "We'll just have to. . . go on a bit of an adventure that's all."

"An adventure?" Logan repeated, eyes dancing.

James nodded. "Yup. Don't forget your adventure hat." He settled Logan's helmet carefully on his head and made sure that strap was securely locked.

Logan squirmed. "Don't you have an adventure hat, James?"

"Nope," James struggled to maintain his cheerful smile. "Only you. You're the adventure leader."

Kendall shook his head in amazement as he and Carlos watched their two friends interact from across the room. "He's been amazing lately, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, he has." Carlos agreed quietly, his eyes shinning.

"So have you," Kendall said quickly.

"I think we all have," Carlos answered honestly. "But especially James because it's been the hardest on him."

Kendall started to agree but he was interrupted by Logan hurrying over to them. "Hey, buddy!" He said with a smile. "Are you and James ready to go?"

Logan glanced at James who gave him a thumbs up. "Yeah! You and Carlos will be there soon, right?"

"As soon as possible, Logie." Carlos promised. "Have fun!"

Logan clung tightly to James' hand as they stood out by the bus stop. James didn't protest at all and even held tightly to his friend himself. They weren't alone on the curb and even though the "crowd" consisted of three more people, James couldn't risk letting Logan out of his sight. "Stay right with me the whole time, Logan." He said firmly. "Here _and _at the zoo, okay?"

Logan nodded furiously. "Of course," He said as if James' concern was entirely unnecessary. "Us adventurers have to stick together. Just like Louie and Clark."

James sucked in a deep gasp of air, flinching slightly when he saw the other people around them staring wide-eyed. Fighting for composure he glared back at them until they looked away in shame. The bus pulled up then and James ushered Logan in ahead of him. "Pick a seat," He instructed as he gave the driver the fare for both of them. Then he followed Logan to the back of the bus and sat down, fighting for calm.

"I picked the back seat 'cause I thought you wouldn't be as scared." Logan told him out of the blue.

"Oh," James nodded. "Thanks, Logie."

"Is it better back here?" Logan asked hopefully.

James thought before answering. It was. A little. "Yeah, it really is." He told Logan with a crooked grin.

"Good," Logan said seriously. "Because I don't like it when you're scared. Anyway, how long until we get to the zoo?"

The change of subject was a relief to James. "Twenty minutes." He told Logan with a sigh. "Don't worry, we'll be there soon."

To Logan's delight, there was little traffic on the way to the zoo and they arrived there after dropping another group of people off at the nearby shopping center. Logan hopped to his feet and used all of his strength to pull James up with him. "Come on, Jamie!" He cried. "Let's go on our adventure for Simba!"

"Okay, I'm coming!" James allowed Logan to lead him off the bus and to the entrance of the zoo. To his dismay, they weren't the only ones there. Not even close. It seemed like the entire city of LA had decided to come to the zoo at the same exact time. James didn't really care what anyone thought about Logan as long as they left him alone. But he was worried about the large crowd. "Stay close, Logie." He reminded Logan as he tightened his grip on his friend's hand. "There's lots of people here today and I-"

"Let's find Simba before anyone else does!" Logan interrupted him urgently.

"Don't worry about Simba right now. First we have to pay." James gently pulled Logan over to the front entrance and studied the sign before releasing Logan's hand to pull out his wallet. "Shoot," He said under his breath when all he came up with was a lone five dollar bill. "I know I had more than this. Hang on, Logie." He checked the other compartments off the wallet and only came up with his credit card. Before he decided to use the card as a last resort, James quickly checked his other pockets, only to come up empty. "I'm losing my mind." He muttered.

"Can I help you?" A bored employee rested his elbows on the counter as he waited for James.

"Sorry," James apologized, rolling his eyes slightly. "Um, two regular tickets please."

"Two?" The guy looked only a little older than James himself and he straightened up the request, looking slightly confused. He craned his neck over James' shoulder. "Is your girlfriend coming later or something? Because if you go in now then you-"

"No, my friend-" James started to interrupt but as he spoke, he glanced to his left where he had last seen Logan and froze, the rest of his words catching in his throat and choking him. Fighting for a sense of calm that had abandoned him instantly, James spun around, scanning the crowd in desperation. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Logan was nowhere to be seen.

**A/N. WELL MY SOUL MATE SAID I COULD LEAVE OFF WITH A CLIFFHANGER SO I DID OKAY? I love you all. Will you give me a head start before you start throwing things at me?**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N. Yay for me neglecting 'How to Save a Life' to update this for the third time in a row. Oh my gosh, three. -shot- Oh, and my school work. Whoo! Anyway, I'll stop talking. I don't own anything.**

"Hey, kid! If you're not buying any tickets then get out of line so the rest of us-"

"Wait, sir. I think something's wrong. Hey, dude? Everything okay?"

James heard the voices as if from a distance. Someone was talking to him and he had a vague feeling that he should answer or at least shake his head because everything was obviously so far from okay. He spun around again, searching for any sign of Logan. He had only let go of his hand for a minute so he couldn't be that far away.

"Oh, come on. This is getting ridiculous."

Hands placed themselves firmly on James' back and gave him a firm shove. He staggered forward and then fell down to his knees, breathing heavily. This wasn't happening. There was no way that this was actually happening. Logan was not missing. James squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them again to find that he was still on the ground and Logan wasn't there. Someone was bending over him with their hand on his back.

"Dude, seriously. Do you want me to call 911 or something?"

It was the zoo employee. James wondered how he had ended up at his side so quickly and then decided that he didn't care. Because suddenly his miniature panic attack was giving way to plain old panic and he could almost think straight. He shook his head violently and shot to his feet, standing unsteadily. "My friend," He finally choked out. "I can't find my friend."

There was a snort behind him and James turned around to see a middle-aged man watching him in disgust. At his side stood a very confused looking little boy who was probably about nine or ten. "Your friend? I think he can find his own way around. Call him on his cell phone next time instead of holding everything up."

If James had been in a better frame of mind he would have thrown himself at the man and beaten him senseless, not caring if it was in front of his young son. White-hot anger swelled up inside of him but at the thought of Logan it disappeared altogether and was replaced by terror. Logan. Logan was still missing. James took one last desperate look around and then turned to face the confused by sympathetic zoo employee. "No," He said in a whisper. "You don't understand. My friend. . . he. . . he can't. . . he needs help. . ." A sob caught him off guard and he pressed his fist to his mouth and heaved in a deep breath of air.

"Look, I want to help you," The kid held up a walkie-talkie for James to see. "But I need to know what he looks like and everything. What's his name?"

"L-L-L-Logan," James stammered out while with a shaking hand, he took out his wallet again. "I-I have a-" The wallet slipped from his grasp and fell to the ground. He bent to pick it up and struggled to close his fingers around the leather material. "I have a picture," He muttered to no on in particular.

"What is all the fuss-"

"Okay, I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you don't shut up," The zoo worker, James caught his name tag and saw that his name was Zack, had finally had enough of the pushy man with his son and snapped out at him. "I'm calling security anyone to help him out and I'm sure escorting you out would be no problem." He sighed in exasperation and then picked up James' wallet himself, searching through the pockets. "Can you tell me which one is your friend?"

James nodded and jabbed at a picture with all three of his friends. "That's him," He said softly. "But he's different now. There. . . there was an accident and he-" He closed his eyes again, wanting to wake up from a nightmare that was real. "He's mentally handicapped." The words came out in a rush and he felt like they had ripped his heart out all over again. He had never spoken about Logan's problems so clearly before.

Zack whistled softly and looked so sad that James nearly fell apart all over again. "I'm really sorry," Zack brought his walkie-talkie to his lips and said something into it but James was so lost. "Look, don't worry. I'm sure he's fine. What's your name?"

James stared blankly back at Zack. What was his name? All he could think of was Logan, Logan, Logan and how he had lost Logan. He had failed to take care of Logan. What if Logan wasn't just simply lost? What if someone had taken him? He was so trusting and James could easily imagine him following a complete stranger to whatever they promised him. What if he was hurt and scared?

"James," Zack had searched James' wallet again and found his unused driver's license. "Is your name James?"

"Yes," James whispered. "What. . ." He wanted to voice his fears out loud to see what Zack thought. Zack seemed like a pretty levelheaded person. "What if someone took him?"

Zack glanced over James' shoulder and beckoned to four security guards. "Hey, don't think about that right now. We'll ask around. I'm sure Logan is fine and that he's somewhere in the zoo. Come on, I'll help you look."

James wondered at the kid's calm and rational way of thinking. He showed Logan's picture to the guards and briefly explained the situation. Then he grasped James firmly by the elbow and led him past the zoo gates. James suddenly thought of something and pulled out his cell phone. "I-I need to cal my other friends," He explained. "They should know." He brushed tears out of his eyes so he could see the screen clearly and pressed the speed dial number to call Kendall. He stumbled slightly when Zack steered him to the left to keep him from walking straight into a tree.

"James?" Kendall's voice was hushed and confused but it had that steady calm to it that made James start to shake with sobs until breathing was horrifically difficult. "James!" Instantly, Kendall was on the alert and demanding to know what was wrong. "What is it? What's wrong with Logan? Is he okay? Where are you James?"

"I'm at the z-zoo," James whimpered, his eyes looking everywhere for Logan but seeing no helmet-clad teenager amidst to crowds. "K-Kendall, you n-need to come. Please."

"Carlos and I are on our way right now, James. But I need to know what's wrong. Where's Logan?"

Somehow, Kendall's voice was calm and gentle and it helped James find the only words he needed to explain the situation. "I don't know," Admitting it made it so much worse and the phone slipped from James' hand and snapped it have on the pavement. He heard Zack talking to him once again but once again he couldn't distinguish any words. He felt like he was moving through a haze. Everything was blurry and quiet. James wondered if going into shock could make a person blind and deaf and he hoped he could find Logan safe and sound before any of that happened to him.

"Maybe you should sit down for a little while," Zack suggested helplessly. "Do you have any idea where he might be? Does he have a favorite animal?" James stopped so suddenly that Zack walked straight into him and had to reach out and keep him from falling. "What?" He asked, unable to conceal the hope on his voice.

Something Zack had said had caught James' attention through his daze. The pieces were there but he was still too panicked to put them together right away. He had stopped and closed his eyes to get his bearings, struggling to get his brain in working order.

"_Let's find Simba before anyone else does!"_

Oh. James turned around to face Zack. "Where are your lions?" He demanded, frantically. Logan was where the lions were, he was almost positive of it. If he wasn't. . . James shuddered, refusing to finish that thought because it would be the end of his ability to function at all.

Zack didn't question him at all and simply pointed off to the left. "Right up there. Hey, wait!" He jogged after James who had instantly broken into a sprint in the direction of the lions.

James pushed through a throng on zoo visitors that seemed fascinated with some type of stupid monkey. His left foot got caught up with his right foot and he fell hard to the ground, the air flying out of his lungs. But Logan. He had to get to Logan. Rising quickly, James ran again, ignoring the angry cries of parents who had to pull their children out of the way of his mad dash.

There. The lions were right there. James could see them but he couldn't see Logan. _No. _He pleaded, dread clenching his heart in an icy grip. But the increased panic was only for a second and then James felt nothing at all but pure, exhausting relief.

There was a small bridge that allowed visitors to view the lions from a different angle. It was empty except for a lone figure, leaning over the railing with a helmet dangling from his fingertips. James could hear Logan calling out to the wild cats that lazed around in their huge cage and the sound of his friend's voice nearly brought James to his knees once again. "Logan!" He tried to shout but a sob made his call sound more like a desperate gasp for air.

Logan looked up at the sound of James' voice though and greeted him with a smile that chased away any trace of fear James had been left with. He reached the other boy and slowed down just in time to keep from knocking him over. "Logan," He breathed, throwing his arms around his friend. He heard a thud as Logan dropped his helmet and it fell on the wooden surface of the bridge but he didn't look down. He held Logan as close as he possibly could, cradling his head carefully against his chest as tears streamed down his face. "Logie, I was so scared." He mumbled, not even bothering to try and stop the tears. "I was so scared."

"Don't cry, Jamie." Logan said tenderly as he reached up and stroked the top of James' head.

But James could _not_ obey his friend's pleas. Even when he heard tears in Logan's voice as he asked him once again to stop crying, James cried even harder. "Why?" He finally begged. "Why did you leave me? You were supposed to s-stay with me and I l-lost you. I-I didn't know where you were L-Logan."

"I'm sorry, Jamie!" Logan begged, frantic to get James to stop crying. "I just wanted to see Simba and everyone and I thought you were right behind me. Then you weren't so I thought you were just a little behind me so I waited for you. I stayed right here and I didn't go anywhere else."

At the thought of Logan wandering around the zoo, waiting for James to join him, James began to calm down a little bit. He had been so scared but now that he had his friend wrapped in a ridiculously tight embrace, James could breathe again. Logan had waited for him. He hadn't gone anywhere else. James didn't care about anything else. Logan was safe. That was all that mattered. He buried his face in Logan's hair and breathed deeply, feeling his lungs fill with air for what seemed the first time since he had lost Logan. Then he placed his hands on Logan's shoulders and took a tiny step back to see his friend. "Are you okay?" He whispered lifting his hands to place them on either side of Logan's face. "You're not h-hurt are you?"

Logan stared up at him with wide eyes and shook his head. "No," He whispered. "I'm sorry, Jamie. I scared you and made you cry."

"Shhh," James soothed, brushing away the lone tear that ran down Logan's face. "Don't cry, buddy. Everything is okay now. As long as you're okay, that's all that matters."

"But you're not okay," Logan said tearfully.

Was he okay? James felt so conflicted. Part of him felt nothing but relief that Logan was unharmed but the rest of him was drowning in guilt that he had failed to take care of him. He had let everyone down. "I'm okay as long as you're okay, Logie." He whispered softly, wrapping his arms around Logan once more and pressing a kiss to the top of his head, oblivious to the onlookers. As far as he was concerned, he and Logan were the only people in the world.

Logan rested his head on James' chest and sighed sadly before pulling away and laying a trembling hand to rest where James' heart beat wildly. "I scared you real bad," He said, still horribly upset with himself.

"It's okay," James assured him again. "It's all okay, Logan. Just. . . just don't do it again. Don't leave me." As soon as he spoke those words, he realized that he meant so much more than Logan just wandering off somewhere. He meant, _Don't die_. The thought startled James and he shuddered. "Promise, Logie?"

Logan nodded quickly. "I promise."

"Okay," James smiled then and released Logan. "Here, let's get your helmet back on, okay?" He bent down to pick it up but it was nowhere to be found. He frowned and straightened up only to see Zack standing by his side holding out the helmet. James took it gratefully, knowing he'd never be able to thank Zack enough for his help. Then he set the helmet over Logan's head and tightened the strap slightly. "Oh, and don't ever take your helmet off again unless someone says it's okay, Logie." He tried not to think about Logan falling without his protective headgear on. "Got that?"

Logan's face was completely serious as he nodded again. "Sorry," He said in a tiny voice. "Are you mad at me?"

James shook his head and gripped Logan's hand tightly, wondering if he could ever bring himself to let go again. "Never." He said firmly. "I was just scared but now that I know you're okay I'm perfectly fine."

"He's not hurt is he?" Zack had been standing off to the side until everything had settled down. He rocked back and forth on his heels, nervously waiting for James' answer. When he nodded, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, I'll let everyone else know then."

"Wait," James didn't move from Logan's side but his voice was enough to stop Zack. "Thank you. I don't-" He swallowed hard. "I don't know how to thank you enough, really. I have no idea what I would have done without you. I probably would have still been frozen out there in shock or something. I just-"

"I'm just glad he's okay," Zack said sincerely. He patted James on the shoulder and gave Logan a friendly grin which Logan returned easily. "See you guys around, okay? I really have to get back to the front and call everyone."

"Thanks," James whispered even though Zack was too far away to here him speak so quietly. Just then something occurred to him and he groaned. "Oh man, Kendall and Carlos. My cell phone broke and I can't call them and tell them that I found you and that you're okay." He was babbling a little but what else could he do? He was still incredibly shaken up and all he really wanted to do was sit down and try to relax.

"James, you're bleeding!" Logan said in sudden dismay, breaking up James' frayed concentration. He pointed at the ripped knees of James' jeans where the exposed skin was scraped and torn, blood trickling slowly down his legs.

"It's fine," James said quickly. "Really." His knees only stung and he walked with a mild limp that he knew would go away the next day. "I just fell, Logan." He'd worry about his knees later. For now, they had to get to the front entrance and wait for Kendall and Carlos.

But before James could lead the way, Logan grinned and pointed. "Look!" He said excitedly. "Kendall and Carlos came!"

Quickly, James cupped his free hand to his mouth and shouted to get his friends' attention. He watched as they turned to see him and Logan, the panic in their eyes melting away instantly. "Stay here, Logie." He said wearily, gently forcing Logan down on a nearby bench. His legs felt shaky and unsteady. "They're coming."

"Logan," Carlos sighed, reaching the other boys a split second ahead of Kendall who looked about as steady as James felt. He collapsed down on the bench and pulled Logan into a hug.

James was caught completely off guard when Kendall sat down on his other side and mimicked Carlos' actions with Logan. "James," He whispered, sounding breathless and scared. "Are you guys okay?" He watched Logan carefully over James' shoulder, wanting to hug him too, but not totally willing to release James right away.

James shuddered in Kendall's arms and buried his face in his friend's shoulder. "I'm so sorry," He whispered. "I only let go of him for minute to get my wallet. And then I couldn't find my money so I had to get my credit card and-"

"Hey, don't beat yourself up all over again." Kendall pleaded urgently. Now that he knew Logan was perfectly fine, he was more concerned with James' state of mind. "Listen, buddy, it could have happened to anyone, okay? Don't blame yourself. Logan's fine, see?" He let go of James and gestured to where Logan and Carlos had walked a few feet away to look at the lions.

"I know," James said shakily. He brushed his hair from over his eyes and offered Kendall a pathetic but real smile. "Thanks,"

Kendall nodded. "I'll be right back or send Carlos over. I need to go see Logan real quick. Just sit here and try to relax for a few minutes. You're really pale right now." As he spoke he swung his backpack from his shoulders and withdrew a water bottle. "Take a drink and just sit here. We'll be right back."

James nodded, touched that Kendall had taken so much time to make sure he was okay. He watched as his friend then joined Carlos and Logan and then proceeded to practically lift Logan off of his feet in an enormous bear hug. Carlos left and walked over to sit with him. "Hey," James said quietly.

"Hey," Carlos returned. He nodded to the skinned knees. "Are you okay?"

"It's fine," James told him. "They just sting a little. I. . . I fell." He lifted the water bottle to his lips, spilling more than he actually swallowed because his hands were still shaking uncontrollably. "What if he had gotten hurt?" He could no longer refrain from asking the question. "What if. . . what if someone had taken him?"

"James, none of that happened." Carlos soothed. "Don't think about any of that right now, okay? Logan is fine. I'm actually more worried about you right now and I'm pretty sure that Kendall is too. I mean, I can't imagine what you must have felt like when you didn't see him. And you sounded like a mess on the phone and now. . . you look awful, James."

"I'm okay," James felt like sooner or later that would be all he would ever be able to say. "Logan's fine and that's all that really matters right now."

Carlos gave James a gentle nudge and then reached out to steady him when he nearly fell off the bench. "Sorry," He apologized with a small smile. "But hey, don't forget what you told me a while ago okay? You matter too. So are you okay?"

James tore his gaze away from Kendall and Logan and looked at his other friend. "Honestly?" He said slowly. "Right now, I don't even know." He dropped his face into his hands, the tiniest of sobs shaking him. He felt Carlos give his shoulder a squeeze. "Carlos, I just want to go home." He pleaded.

"Okay, come on then." Carlos sat up and helped James to his feet. "Hey, guys?" He called over to their friends. "I think we need to get James home. He's pretty tired out right now."

"Are you sick, Jamie?" Logan asked in concern as he and Kendall walked away from the lions.

James didn't know what to say. He felt emotionally drained and literally all he wanted to do was lay in his bed and cry himself to sleep like a weak baby. He shrugged. "I don't know, Logie. Maybe."

Kendall's relaxed and relieved expression had tightened up with worry once more. "Let's go home then. We'll try the zoo another day when it's no so crowded. Carlos, can you take care of Logan?" Carlos would have been fine with James but he was also terrific with Logan and Kendall wanted to look after James himself who was still horribly pale. He grabbed his friend's arm and keeping Carlos and Logan in his sight at all times, led the way out of the zoo.

* * *

"Jamie, are you okay? Do you want anything? Maybe I can make you chicken noodle soup. I mean, Kendall or Carlos or my new mommy might have to help me but that always makes me feel better when I'm sick."

James had crashed so unbelievably hard and although it was nothing as horrible as his earlier depression, he still felt on the edge of tears. And Logan, despite his best intentions was just making him fall all the more. A lump grew in his throat and made it impossible to talk. All he could think of was the last time Logan had taken care of him when he was sick. He curled up into a tighter ball in his bed and hid his face from Logan, not wanting him to see his tears.

"Poor you," Logan said sadly. He laid down next to his friend and tucked his head under James' chin. "Maybe you just need sleep."

James lifted one arm and wrapped it around Logan, bringing him as close as possible. He shut his eyes and as Logan hummed quietly, thinking over and over again, _Logan's right here. He's not hurt. He's fine._ But he was soon jolted out of his inner convincing when he recognized what Logan was humming.

"So we take what comes and we keep on going, leaning on each other's shoulders." He sang softly, trying to remember the last time he even thought of any of their songs. "Then we turn around and see we've come so far somehow."

Logan stopped his humming and lifted his head to meet James' eyes. "You know it too!" He said happily, and then proceeded to break what was left of James' heart. "We're partway there. . ."

**A/N. 'Halfway There' is my favorite Big Time Rush song. It's inspired 'Little Hollow'. So that right there made me die.**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N. Um, not much to say. I'm tired. I don't own anything.**

Eventually Logan fell asleep in James' arms, exhausted by the day's events. James lay perfectly still, unwilling to disturb his sleeping friend. He could still feel his heart pounding every time he thought of what had happened at the zoo. Kendall had said that it could have happened to anyone and maybe he was right. But why did it always have to happen to James? Why did he keep messing up so horribly? Was there something wrong with him. If he knew that it wouldn't upset Logan, James would have considered moving back to Minnesota where he wouldn't cause anymore harm. But the last time James had come close to making that move it had nearly destroyed Logan, so he didn't bother to think about it at all.

There was a knock at door and Mrs. Knight walked in, looking concerned. "How are you feeling, sweetie?" She asked in a soft whisper that wouldn't wake Logan. The concern in her eyes deepened when James simply shook his head and then buried his face in the bed covers as if hiding from her. She sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, leaning over to pull the covers away. "James, look at me." She said as she brushed his hair off his forehead.

Her tone was gentle but the words were a command. James reluctantly met her gaze with hazel eyes that lately always seemed to be glistening with unshed tears. "Why can't I do anything right anymore?" He asked in a hoarse whisper. "I should have been looking out for him more. I should have never let him out of my sight. He could have been kidnapped or really lost. What if he had gotten hurt? When I found him he didn't even have his helmet on." He started to shake involuntarily and fell silent so he could concentrate on stopping the shaking so that he wouldn't wake Logan.

"James," Mrs. Knight's voice was just as gentle but somehow firmer this time. "You can't keep letting your mistake hold you back from moving forward. You can't let you scare you away from Logan and the rest of us. We all love you and we want you to be okay."

"But I don't know how I can ever be okay again." James confessed. "I'm. . . I'm so scared right now. I'm scared for Logan and everyone else and I'm scaring myself because everything I do winds up disastrous. Everything I touch falls apart. I'm afraid of doing anything because I might hurt someone again."

"Don't you realize how incredible with Logan you are though?" Mrs. Knight asked "Especially lately. You've matured so much, James and I'm so proud of you and Kendall and Carlos. It took a little while and it was really difficult at times but you've all adjusted so well. Just hang in there and remember that you're never alone. We're all here for you." Mrs. Knight leaned down again and placed a motherly kiss on James forehead before moving to do the same to Logan. She straightened up, frowning slightly.

"What is it?" James asked, instantly on the alert.

Mrs. Knight shook her head. "Don't worry, James." She said softly. "Logan feels a little warm to me, that's all. He may be getting sick and that wouldn't surprise me because I heard there's a virus going around."

"Should we take him to a doctor?" James demanded, lowering his voice when Logan stirred slightly. "Should we?"

"Oh no, not right now anyway. Just let him sleep for now. When he wakes up we can give him some Tylenol and take it from there." Mrs. Knight smiled and rose to her feet. "Take care of my son okay, James? I trust you and I know he'll be fine with you looking out for him. Dinner will be ready in about an hour if you're hungry. For now just stay here with Logan and try to relax a little bit."

James nodded, unable to speak around the lump in his throat. He wanted to thank her but the proper words didn't exist even if he could talk. She trusted him. Still. After everything. He watched as she left the room and then shut his eyes, pulling Logan closer to him, trying to obey her by relaxing.

* * *

James hadn't expected to fall asleep but he found himself waking up, feeling slightly refreshed. However, the feeling only lasted for a minute until he realized why he had woken up in the first place. Before he even opened his eyes he felt Logan shivering in his arms. He blinked sleepily and then stared at his friend to see a sheen of sweat glistening on his forehead. James frowned a placed his hand on Logan's cheek, jerking away when he felt the heat radiating from the flushed skin. "Logie?" He whispered, fear sending his heart into a series of uncomfortable, and probably unhealthy, somersaults.

Logan's eyes fluttered opened and stared in sleepy confusion at James. "Jamie," He whispered, wincing like it hurt to talk. "I'm really cold."

Cold. James' heart stopped entirely for a moment and started back up again, threatening to jump out of his chest. Logan was practically drowning in his own sweat and his skin felt like it was on fire and yet he said he was cold. "You'll be okay, Logan." He promised, before sitting up and calling the first person he thought of. "Kendall!"

"Jamie," Logan pleaded, shaking even harder with the absence of James' body close again his weaker one. "Hold me. I'm cold." He sighed contentedly when James hurriedly laid back down and pulled him as close as possible.

The door was flung open, revealing an alarmed Kendall and Carlos. "James, is everything okay?" Kendall demanded.

James shook his head and glanced down at Logan. "He's burning up, Kendall but he says he's freezing."

Kendall's eyes widened as he took in the trembling form that James held close to his chest. "Logie," He whispered, dropping to his knees by the bed. "Carlos can you-"

"Yeah," Carlos interrupted, hurrying off to get Mrs. Knight.

"Hey, Logie." Kendall said softly, focusing his attention on his sick friend. "How're you feeling, buddy?"

"K-Kenny," Logan murmured, his teeth starting to chatter. "I don't feel good. I feel really cold. Like a Popsicle." He turned away from Kendall and buried his face in James' shirt.

James watched as Kendall felt Logan's forehead, fear leaping into his eyes when he felt how warm he was. "Kendall?" He croaked out, shaking almost as much as Logan. "Kendall, is he going to be okay?" Before Kendall could answer, Mrs. Knight and Katie hurried in with Carlos right behind them. "He's worse." He told Mrs. Knight as she knelt beside Kendall with Carlos and Katie hovering anxiously in the back. "I-I fell asleep but only for a little while a-and now he's worse. I should have-"

"James," Kendall stopped him. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I didn't do anything right either," James mumbled. "I'm so sorry, Logie," He brushed Logan's damp hair off his sweaty forehead and shook his head. "I'm sorry you had to get sick."

Logan looked up at him, confused. "B-but Jamie, it's n-not your fault. Everybody gets sick." He reached up and touched James' face, his fingers lingering on the bridge of his nose. "You might get sick now too 'cause I'm contagious probably." He dropped his hand and covered his mouth as he coughed harshly.

"Katie, can you get me the thermometer, please?" Mrs. Knight stroked Logan's forehead gently. "Does anything hurt, baby?"

"My throat when I talk." Logan told her mournfully.

"You should probably rest it then or you might lose it." Mrs. Knight smiled reassuringly and turned to take the thermometer that Katie offered her.

Logan sat up as much as he could with James holding onto him so tightly. "I don't want to lose my voice," He protested. "What if I never find it again?"

James reached out and took the thermometer from Mrs. Knight. "Don't worry, Logan." He soothed. "It'll come back when you get better. Open your mouth okay?" He waited until Logan complied and then stuck the thermometer under his tongue. "Don't talk right now, okay? You have to wait for it to beep." He couldn't hold back a tiny smile as Logan stared cross-eyed at the object in his mouth. When it finally beeped, James had to hurry and catch it and Logan opened his mouth with a disgruntled look on his face. "I know, I always hated that too." He said quietly, looking at the numbers on the thermometer. "101.3. Is that bad, Mrs. Knight?"

"If it gets any higher we might want to at least call his doctor." Mrs. Knight said as she took the thermometer from James. "For now, I think it would probably be best if we just gave him some Tylenol and tried to keep him as quiet as possible."

Logan sighed, coughing a little as he did so. "I'm right here," He reminded them. "I can hear everything you're saying."

"Sorry, Logie." James apologized instantly.

"It's okay." Logan gave him a tired grin. Then he looked at Mrs. Knight hopefully. "If I have to take medicine then I hope it tastes yummy. Medicine is mostly yucky."

Katie, who had happened to grab the Tylenol along with the thermometer, made a face and handed it to her mom. "Sorry, Logan. No yummy stuff today. But it'll make you feel better soon, okay?"

Logan grimaced and tried to hide under the covers. "Please don't make me take it!" He begged.

"Logan!" Carlos said, feigning cheerfulness. "The sooner you take it, the sooner you'll feel better and the sooner we can go do stuff! How does that sound?" He approached the bed and gently pulled away the covers. "Come on, Logie."

Logan peered up at him, giving them all a sleepy glare. "Okay," He said with a sigh. "But if it doesn't make me feel better then I'm not gonna take it again."

"Yes, well we're hoping it does make you feel better." Mrs. Knight said with a sigh as she poured out a tablespoon of the orange medicine. She smiled when Logan took it with a frown and then laid back down on the bed. "That's it, sweetie. Get some more sleep and hopefully you'll feel a little better when you wake up."

Logan sniffed miserably. "I don't like being sick." He told James sadly.

"I don't like it when you're sick either, Logan." James replied softly. "I wish I was sick instead."

"You're so weird." Logan told him with another frown. "It's no fun being sick. Don't you like to have fun, James?"

"Only when my buddies are with me." James told him. "Right guys?"

"Right," Carlos agreed. "So hurry up and get well soon, okay? We need you to have fun, Logan."

"You can have fun without me I bet." Logan yawned and shut his eyes.

Kendall gave Logan's shoulder a gentle squeeze and stood up. "Not a chance," He whispered. "We're too incomplete without you. Get better, little bro." He watched as Logan, already half-asleep, nodded and then was perfectly silent except for his breathing that had become slightly heavy and ragged. "James,"

James glanced up at Kendall and Carlos with uncertainty in his eyes. "Yes?"

Kendall wanted Logan to get better from whatever virus decided to hit him out of the blur but more than that he wanted James to believe in himself again. He missed the cocky, self-assured dreamer that James Diamond used to be. He nudged Carlos and looked at him meaningfully. "Take care of him, okay? Carlos and I have to. . ."

Carlos, catching onto Kendall's intentions instantly, jumped into action. "We have to go get more Tylenol. I think Mrs. Knight just gave Logan the last dose or something close to it. We won't be long. You'll be fine and Mrs. Knight and Katie are in the next room."

Kendall nodded and picked up the nearly full bottle of medicine, hiding it from James' view. "Yup. See you in a little while, James." He grabbed Carlos' arm and hurried him out of the room. He didn't want to leave James or Logan alone but in his heart he knew it was the right move it James was ever to gain back at least a little bit of his shattered confidence.

James watched them leave, already knowing that they had lied about the Tylenol. But he also knew why they lied and it touched him deeply. They all seemed to believe in him and they couldn't all be wrong, could they?

He didn't realize he had spoken out loud until Logan cracked open his eyes and stared at him. "We're all right, Jamie." He said softly. "You're not a bad person even though you sometimes think you are. You're a really wonderful person and I love you lots. I'm really happy that you stayed here with me and Kenny and Carlos instead of living with your mommy and daddy and I hope you always stay with us. I'd be sad if you ever left." He yawned and closed his eyes again. "We'd be a broken puzzle without you 'cause you'd be the missing piece."

James' eyes burned and he shut them tightly, allowing tears tun run down his cheeks. He felt Logan's hand brush them away but for once he didn't ask him to stop crying. So James let himself cry, hoping that his friends were all right because if they were wrong he had nothing left. He hugged Logan close to him. "Thanks, Logie. Get some sleep now. I need you to get better." He felt Logan's breathing even out until he was once again sound asleep. It wasn't long before he heard Kendall and Carlos come back but to his surprise, they didn't come in his room to check on Logan. He understood though and knew then that if they were willing to trust him that much then their efforts had to be worth it.

**A/N. It was short and I'm not sure how it was all-around. I was going to say something else but I forget. Um, Logan killed me and so did James but what else is new? I love you all!**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N. So I'm in love with this story because Logan is just so cute and James is so sad and Kendall and Carlos are trying to help. I don't own anything.**

"James?" Kendall asked softly. "How is he?"

James nodded to Logan who was still sound asleep in his arms. "He's still burning up, but he's sleeping so. . ."

Kendall nodded in understanding. "Are you hungry? Dinner is ready. We all ate so Carlos and I can watch him while you take a break."

He hadn't eaten since breakfast that morning and it was now past six in the evening. But James' worry for Logan made his hunger non-existent and he shook his head. "No thanks," He whispered. "I'm really not that hungry. Besides, I don't want to take a chance of him waking up. He needs to rest. I'll be okay for now."

Carlos came in then and sat down on the floor. "Do you mind if we keep you company then?" He asked hopefully, not wanting James to feel lonely.

James smiled and nodded. "Sounds good to me. Kendall, can you get the thermometer for me? It's right over there on the nightstand. I want to check his temperature real quick." He nodded his thanks and slid the thermometer in Logan's mouth, relieved when he didn't stir. "Do you guys trust me with him?" He asked as they waited for the quiet beep.

Without hesitation, both Kendall and Carlos gave firm nods. "Of course we do, James." Kendall assured him. "No one is perfect but only cowards run away when they make mistakes. You kept fighting to stay with us even though we know it wasn't easy on your relationship with your parents. You're taking counseling because you're not afraid to admit that you need help and. . ." He trailed off and smiled at Logan who was as close to James as possible, a peaceful look on his feverish face. "You're so incredible with him."

"Then why," James asked, his eyes on Logan. "Then why can't I do anything right anymore? It's my fault he ended up like this in the first place and then there was that whole mess when he cut himself-" He broke off and traced the long, jagged scar on Logan's arm, swallowing hard. "Then today I lost him and now he's sick. Maybe he's better off without."

"No way," Carlos said, swinging his head back and forth. "It would destroy him, James. I t would destroy all of us if you left."

"The cutting thing is mostly my fault." Kendall said, his eyes downcast. "But remember what Carlos said when that happened? We're not helping Logan by blaming ourselves and throwing pity parties over everything that has happened to us. For Logan's sake, we need to move on. Today was really scary but we all saw how crowded it was. I told you earlier that it could have happened to anyone. And as for him getting sick, that's not your fault at all, James. Besides," He added, a smile lightening his heavy features. "Look at you now."

As Kendall spoke, the thermometer beeped and James quickly withdrew it and stared at the numbers. "It's higher now," He said nervously. "102 even." He looked at Kendall pleadingly. "Get your mom."

Kendall left right away leaving James and Carlos with Logan. James forced himself to look away from the thermometer since it was scaring him. "Is all Kendall said true?" He asked as they waited.

"Every single word." Carlos promised. He started to say more but soon Mrs. Knight walked in with Kendall and Katie right behind her.

Mrs. Knight had a phone held close to her ear and was alternating between talking and listening to what sounded like a doctor. "Let me see," She said, pulling the phone away. "Logan? Sweetie, wake up."

Logan groaned and shifted away from the gentle hand on his shoulder. "Go 'way," He said, swatting weakly in the air. "I wanna sleep more 'cause 'm really tired."

"Logie," James whispered. "Wake up buddy. We want to make sure you're okay."

At the sound of James' voice, Logan unwillingly opened his eyes to narrow slits. "I'm 'kay," He said, yawning. "Just sick 'n tired."

"He's perfectly responsive," Mrs. Knight spoke into the phone. "Should we bring him in?" She smiled reassuringly at the boys while they waited nervously. "Okay, thank you very much. Bye."

"Well?" Kendall demanded as soon as his mother hung up the phone. "What did they say?"

"If it gets any higher or if we have trouble waking him up and responding to us. Or if he complains of something bothering him. But for now, they said to just let him try and sleep it away."

"But what if he just keeps getting worse?" James asked, annoyed with the doctors' lack of interest in Logan's illness. Granted, the virus had been going around and it probably wasn't serious, but he was afraid to think that simply waiting would make anything better.

Before anyone else could speak, Logan opened his eyes a little more. "You worry too much, Jamie." He said yawning yet again. Remember _The Lion King_? Hakuna Matata. It means no worries. You should worry a lot less than you do, else you're gonna end up with gray hair."

"I'm working on it, Logan." James sighed and gave Logan a small smile. "It just might take a little time, that's all. How does that sound?" But Logan didn't answer him because he had already fallen back asleep. He sighed again, the smile falling from his face as he was once again consumed with worry for his friend. "When should we check his temperature again?" He asked Mrs. Knight.

"Oh, I think we can give him so time, James. At least an hour. He'll be fine, I'm sure." Mrs. Knight smiled gently. Honestly, that this point in time she was more worried for James than she was for Logan. "He has his best friends looking out for him and I can't think of three people more competent right now." She motioned to Katie and the two of them left the room quietly.

James sighed again and leaned back in the bed, holding Logan close. "Thanks, guys." He said quietly. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I. . . I honestly don't think I could-" He stopped when a sudden sob shook his body. "I don't think I'd be alive without you."

Fear shot through Kendall's body and he and Carlos were at James' side in an instant. "James," Kendall's voice shook. "What are you talking about?"

"I probably would have killed myself." James admitted in a rush, tears flowing silently down his pale face. "Because sometimes I don't think I deserve to live. I destroyed Logan's life and I almost killed him and now-"

"Of course you deserve to live," Carlos said, his heart pounding. "We've been trying to tell you and I'm sure Logan has too, but you really are a wonderful person. Just hang in there, okay? Don't-" He choked and stopped. "Don't do anything, James, please. We love you and we need you."

"I don't think anyone needs me and I don't see how you can love me." James bent his head, ashamed of his tears and his cowardice. In his sleep, Logan shifted and draped an arm over James' chest, burying his head under James' chin and on his shoulder.

"How can you doubt that?" Kendall asked James, smiling despite the terror that he still felt. "James, you're our best friend. We can't lost you, okay?" Careful not to disturb Logan, he wrapped both arms around James, trying to take deep and steady breaths. "We love you, bro."

Carlos gently nudged Kendall aside and nearly strangled James with a hug. Before he could stop himself he was sobbing quietly into his friend's shoulder, trembling with fear and grief. "You have to believe us, Jay. Please. I don't want you to die. None of us do."

"I-I'm sorry," James stammered, shocked by their reactions and upset that he had made both of them cry. But now he had no choice but to believe their words. He looked over at Kendall who was trying to comfort Carlos and then he glanced down at Logan, still burning with fever but looking more comfortable. "I don't want to die either," He said softly, realizing how stupid that idea had been in the first place. As horrible as it was to have Logan so hurt the way he was, he wouldn't have wanted to miss it for anything.

"Are you okay now?" Kendall asked, his voice still shaking.

James nodded. "Better than I have been in such a long time." He said honestly. "You guys are the best friends I could ever hope for and I-I love you all too."

A hesitant smile crossed Carlos' face. "Good," He said. "I'm glad you know that. We're here if you need us, James. Just keep being the amazing person that you are with Logan."

"Am I really?" James asked with a childlike hope that was heartbreaking to see.

"Of course you are," Kendall said. "I mean, look at you right now with him, James. Do you have any idea how long you've been here just. . . holding him like that? It's been hours and you haven't moved. And I don't think you're about to, not until he gets better anyway." Kendall blinked back tears. "I mean, the way you look at him, James, when you're not sad I mean, it's like he's your whole world and no one else matters."

"You guys matter," James said, trying to make Kendall feel better. "You guys matter just as much as Logan."

"We know," Kendall nodded. "But it's different with Logan. I was thinking about it a while ago. He's my little brother to me and I'll do whatever it takes to protect him. Carlos is the steady rock that he needs. James, you. . . you're like a father to him with the way you watch out for him. It's amazing to see. You're amazing and don't believe anything else, okay?"

James couldn't speak so he simply nodded and bent his head, hiding his tears as he pretended to be absorbed in Logan. "I-I don't know what to say, Kendall." He finally whispered, stroking Logan's warm forehead.

"You don't need to say anything." Kendall told him. "Just believe us, okay?" He placed a hand on James' shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze before standing up. "Carlos, do you want to get your stuff and sleep in here tonight? James isn't going anywhere."

Carlos nodded and sprang up from the bed and hurried off to the room he and James had been sharing, returning in a minute with his pillow. Without waiting for Kendall to say anything else, he laid down next to him on his bed, his eyes on James and Logan the entire time. "Night, guys." He said sleepily.

"Night, buddy." Kendall replied. "Jay, try to get some sleep okay? We're all here if Logan needs us. You don't need to be afraid."

James nodded but the thought of sleeping never crossed his mind. He wasn't afraid anymore but he just had to make sure that Logan would be okay. Even when Carlos and Kendall dropped off to sleep, James stayed awake, checking Logan's temperature every hour and breathing a sigh of relief every time it remained the same or went slightly lower. Finally, at 3:30 in the morning when Logan's fever broke completely, James closed his eyes and relaxed. For once it was easy because all he had to do was think of what his friends had told him. He was at peace.

* * *

"Kenny. Carlos."

Kendall sat up at the same time as Carlos did and the two boys just missed knocking heads. "What is it, Logie?" Kendall asked, taking note that James was at last fast asleep. "Hey, you look a lot better." He crossed the room and felt Logan's forehead, relieved when the skin was cool to the touch. "How do you feel?"

Instead of answering him, Logan lifted his head and pointed to James. "I was right," He said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"What were you right about?" Carlos asked in confusion.

"Jamie," Logan took Kendall's hand and laid it on James' forehead. "He's sick now."

"Oh, James." Kendall sighed, taking in the flushed, sweaty skin and the way James was shaking. "Don't worry, Logan. We'll take care of him just like he took care of you."

"Good," Logan said happily. "That means he'll get better real soon."

"Yup," Carlos said rising to his feet to get Kendall's mom. "We'll take good care of James."

**A/N. K, I'm tried and sad. I shall go dream of my new story idea, okay? Okay. Please enjoy the double update I so lovingly gave you. Carpe Diem!**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N. I'm so tired right now. And sad, except I don't really know why I'm sad. I don't own anything.**

When James first woke up, the first thing he noticed was that his arms were empty. Immediately, his eyes shot open and he sat up quickly. It was then that he noticed the throbbing in his head and the fact that he was freezing. Still, he stared through burning eyes around the room, his heart pounding in fear. "Logan?" He croaked, wincing at the pain in his throat. Then a firm pair of hands placed themselves on his shoulders, shoving him back down on the bed. He struggled weakly until he heard Kendall's voice.

"James, calm down, buddy. Logan's fine. He's with Carlos and Katie right now." Kendall jerked his hands away from James' shoulders, alarmed at how much warmer he seemed. "Here, let's check your temperature."

"No," James groaned, trying to ignore that he had never felt so sick before in all his life. "I need to-" His words were cut off by Kendall unceremoniously shoving the thermometer in his mouth. James glared at his friend who met him with a steady gaze. Since there was nothing else he could do, James remained still and perfectly silent until the thermometer beeped.

"104.5" Kendall said, his eyes wide. "James-"

"It's not big deal," James rasped. "I've been there before." It was true. He very rarely got sick but when he did it was like the germs were making up for lost time and he was virtually bedridden for a couple of days. Noticing that Kendall was still watching him with worry written all over his face, James forced a pathetic grin. "Really. I'll be fine. Call my parents if you want to."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "I'll tell my mom to call them just to be safe. I may trust you with Logan but you've been a little too unselfish for your own good lately."

"Is Logan really okay?" James asked, wanting so badly to go to sleep but at the same time, needing to know for sure that Logan was healthy again.

"He's a little upset about you getting sick but his temperature is back to normal and he's acting perfectly fine," Kendall promised him. He eyed that bags under James' eyes. "What time did you get to sleep last night?"

James shrugged. "Logan's fever broke at around 3:30 in the morning so maybe 4:00?" He cringed when Kendall shook his head. "I had to make sure he was going to be okay."

"James, I'm not mad at you," Kendall said with a sigh. "You were terrific. But now you need to rest, okay? I'm going to get my mom real quick and she'll talk to your parents. After that, try to get some sleep, okay?" When James opened his mouth to protest, Kendall stopped him. "If not for yourself than do it for Logan because you can't take care of him like this."

"Cheap-shot." James muttered, willingly burying himself deeper underneath the bed covers. He almost laughed when Kendall smirked at him and then got up to bring his mother into the room. "Hi," He greeted them when they came back.

"How're you feeling, James?" Mrs. Knight asked, placing a cool hand on his forehead. "You look terrible."

"I feel terrible," James said, relaxing under her touch. His eyes stopped burning so much when he closed his eyes. "Did Kendall tell you my temperature? It's really no big deal, I've been worse off before. I'll be fine by tomorrow. Just ask my mom." Besides, he was pretty sure that Kendall and Carlos would have to carry him out to the car if they really wanted him to go see a doctor. Even laying in bed, his legs felt weak and shaky. Why did he have to do everything in such a dramatic fashion?

"I'll go call then," Mrs. Knight said, handing Kendall the bottle of Tylenol. "Give him some and then make sure he goes back to sleep." She ordered.

"You heard her," Kendall couldn't help but laugh at the sullen look James gave him. "Open wide."

James reluctantly swallowed the medicine, grimacing at the bitter taste. "Wake me up if you need me." He said wearily.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Sure," He said unconvincingly. The door opened and he smiled at the newcomers. "Hey, guys. What's up?

"Logie wanted to check on James." Carlos said softly.

Instantly, James' eyes shot back open to see Logan watching him, his eyes huge with worry. "Buddy," He said with a smile. "I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Me too," Logan said with a sigh. "But I'm sad 'cause I got you sick and you look even sicker than I was." Imitating James' earlier actions with him, Logan reached down and brushed James' sweaty bangs off his forehead and frowned deeply. "How come we were both so cold even though we were so hot too? And how come you're hotter than me?"

Despite his discomfort, James couldn't back a laugh and then nearly instantly regretted it when he broke into a coughing fit. "I don't get sick a lot so when I do, I always have to make a big deal out of it." He explained. "I'll be fine, Logan. Don't worry about me, okay?"

Logan nodded but his eyes moved around the room and then lit up when he spied what he was looking for. "Here," He said, shoving a stuffed animal into James' arms. "Take Moosey. He'll make you feel better."

The laughter died on James' lips. Moosey. Logan's most prized childhood possession because it was one of a very few memories he had of a time when he had both loving parents. He stroked the worn-out but still soft fur and tried to smile. "Thanks, Logie."

"Just be careful because he can't see anymore." Logan told him seriously as he pointed to the empty eye sockets, the clearest sign of just how loved Moosey was. "This one he lost when we slept over Kenny's house that one time and there was a thunderstorm and the power went out and I was scared and so was Carlos but you and Kenny kept us safe. I was sad when the lights came back on because I saw that Moosey was missing and eye and we looked everywhere but it disappeared. And this one," Logan shrugged. "I don't remember when this one fell out. But anyway, I know you'll take good care of him because you took such good care of me and made yourself sick."

James blinked, his foggy brain trying to absorb everything Logan had just told him. "Okay, I will take good care of him." He promised. "Thanks, bud."

Logan smiled happily and patted the top of James' head. "Go to sleep now," He said bossily. "When we're all better we can go have fun but not without you. Puzzles aren't fun when they're missing pieces."

"You heard him," Carlos said, pulling Logan gently to his feet. "Feel better, James. We'll be in the other room if you need us. Kendall?"

"I'll stay here for now," Kendall told him, feeling absolutely confident that Logan was in good hands with Carlos.

James was slipping off to sleep but he fought and shook his head. "Kendall, I won't be any fun. I'm just going to sleep."

Kendall shrugged. "I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

He was too sick and too tired to argue anymore. James shut his eyes and relaxed, clutching Logan's tattered stuffed moose tightly to his chest. Kendall was with him and Carlos and Logan were nearby. Everything was going to be okay.

* * *

"What do you want to do, Logie?" Carlos asked as he and Logan walked out of the bedroom, leaving James safe with Kendall. "We could watch a movie or play a game or-"

"Can we make Jamie a get-well card?" Logan interrupted hopefully.

Carlos blinked in surprise and then smiled. "Sure, why not? That's a great idea." He nodded to the kitchen table. "Sit right over there and I'll get the craft box that your mom-"

"My _new_ mom." Logan corrected, but obeying Carlos anyway.

"Um, yeah." Carlos was quiet, wishing for a brief time that Kendall or James were there because they might have had a better answer. But then he shrugged the feeling off knowing that James needed plenty of rest and Kendall needed to be there for him. "Anyway, I think she put the craft box in the closet over here. Hang on a second."

Logan waited patiently for Carlos to return, his hands folded on the table in front of him. His eyes lit up when he saw the large box full of colored paper and crayons and markers and stickers. "This is great!" He exclaimed happily. "I'm gonna make James the best get-well card ever!" He eagerly withdrew a large sheet of white paper and then began deciding between markers and crayons.

"Logan, don't you want to use colored paper?" Carlos suggested, indicating to the bright sheets of red, blue, green, orange, and yellow.

But Logan shook his head firmly. "Nope. 'Cause then I won't be able to use every color crayon. Like, if I use red paper, a red crayon won't show up." He then demonstrated with red paper and crayon and held it up for Carlos to see. "It doesn't work."

Carlos nodded. "You're right about that, Logan. So what are you going to do with that?"

"Well," Logan stared at Carlos without blinking for several seconds. "Um, Carlos, I don't really want you to see. It's a surprise."

"Oh. Well that's-"

"Is that okay?" Logan asked anxiously. "Because if it hurts your feelings, Carlos, then you can see it."

"Buddy, no." Carlos assured him quickly. "I don't mind it all. I like surprises. They're fun."

Logan smiled but then patted the seat next to him. "I changed my mind," He told Carlos. "I want you to watch me to make sure I don't spell anything wrong and stuff like that. Can you help me, Carlos?"

It had always been the other way around. Carlos, James, and Kendall had grown up asking Logan how to spell "definitely" and what twelve times eight was and stuff like that. Now, their roles had been reversed and although Carlos loved helping Logan, it hurt him to do so because he remembered when things had been different. "Of course, Logan." He said softly. "What do you want help with?"

"Um" Logan glanced up to the ceiling, apparently deep in thought. "How do I spell James?"

"Oh," Carlos took a deep breath to steady himself. "J-A-M-E-S." He spelled the name slowly, waiting until Logan had completed each letter in an untidy print on the front of the paper. "Great job. Anything else?"

Logan shook his head. "Nope. Not right now, 'cause I know how to spell my name." As he spoke he reached for a new crayon and proceeded to draw his name right under James'. "How does that look?"

Carlos wondered if he was supposed to tell Logan that the A in his name was backwards. "Logie-"

"Oh no!" Logan suddenly wailed, looking incredibly upset with himself. "Carlos, I wrote my name wrong! Look, I spelled it right but I wrote it wrong. The A is the wrong way!" He shoved the paper away and looked at Carlos. "What do I do now?"

"Just try again, Logan." Carlos said encouragingly "Practice makes perfect. You'll get it next time." He handed Logan another piece of paper. "Come on, go ahead."

Logan bent his head over the paper and carefully drew out his name and then James' name. "Wait how you you spell Carlos and Kendall?" He asked, looking back up at Carlos.

"Carlos is C-A-R-L-O-S and Kendall is K-E-N-D-A-L-L." Carlos leaned on his arms and watched Logan draw four stick figures and then colored them in so they vaguely resembled himself and his three best friends. He smiled when tiny characteristics began appearing. Kendall's stick figure had huge eyebrows that dominated his head, Carlos had a huge smile of his face, Logan was wearing Carlos' hockey helmet and James-

_No, no, no._ Carlos snapped out of his trance and looked closely at the picture. "Logan, what's on James' face?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

With a sigh, Logan laid down his crayon and regarded Carlos with a gloomy expression. "These are tears," He said pointing to the tiny marks he had made with the blue crayon. "Because James is always so sad and crying. But don't worry, because I'm not done yet."

Struggling to hide his own tears from Logan, Carlos sat back in his chair and watched as Logan finished what was apparently only the first picture. Then Logan turned the paper over and copied the four names before becoming absorbed in his work of another drawing. It wasn't long before Carlos noticed that the second drawing was much different from the first.

In the first drawing, they had all been standing apart from each other but the second one had James in the middle of a group hug and he looked so happy that it made Carlos' heart ache because he wanted so badly to see James like that in real life. He noticed something else though. His helmet was on his own head rather than Logan's.

As if reading his mind, Logan glanced up and gave Carlos a grin. "That's for when I get better. Because I will get better. And James will be happy but hopefully he'll be happy real soon anyway. But when I get better I can give you your helmet back." He pointed at Kendall and leaned close to Carlos, whispering in his ear. "Maybe Kendall's eyebrows won't be so big because I think that they grow when he worries and he worries a lot. Almost as much as James. But James' eyebrows don't grow a whole lot." Logan ended his long explanation with a shrug. "I don't really know."

"Logie, James will be okay and we'll love you no matter what. You know that, right?" Carlos asked in a soft whisper.

"Yes," Logan said with a nod. "But I think if I get better and smart again then maybe everyone will be happier and you can have your helmet back."

"You. . . Logie, you know not everything works out the same way, right?" Carlos swallowed hard and forced himself to keep going. "This. . . what happened to you doesn't work out like the fever you had last night. It'll take a long time and you might not get totally better. But it doesn't really matter because you're our best friend."

Logan stood up and wrapped his arms around Carlos. "You're my best friends too," He said, resting his chin on Carlos' shoulder. "That's why I want to get better. Maybe not all better but a little bit." He pulled away and looked at Carlos. "You'll help me with that, right?"

"Always," Carlos said as firmly as he could.

"Good," Looking satisfied, Logan returned to his chair and continued to doodle aimlessly, drawing puppies and kittens and rainbows until there was hardly any room left on the paper. Then with Carlos' help, he printed out "We all love you and want you to be happy and not sick so we can have fun and be happy".

"Logan, that's great." Carlos admired the card when Logan shoved it into his hands. "Is it done?"

Logan shook his head. "No, first I have to sign it and so do you and Kenny. But then it's done and we can all give it to James." He took the card from Carlos and handed him a green crayon. "Here, use this one. Please."

Carlos smiled at Logan's politeness and obediently printed his name on a tiny blank space of paper. "Okay, we can go get Kendall to write is name but we have to be quiet because James might be sleeping."

Logan nodded and held a finger up to his lips. "Let's be stealthy," He told Carlos who had to hold back a laugh right away. He swung open the bedroom door slowly and walked over to Kendall who was flipping absentmindedly through a mental health magazine that he was quick to hide when his friends walked in. "Hey," He pulled Logan close to his side and gave him a one-armed hug, looking at Carlos to make sure he was okay. "So what did you two get into without us?"

"Is Jamie sleeping?" Logan whispered, resting his head on Kendall's as he stared at James.

"Yup." Kendall shared a contented grin with Carlos. "What's that you have there, bud?" He asked, nodding to the card Logan held in his hand.

Logan blushed and held it out shyly. "We made get-well card for Jamie and we need you to sign it so we can give it to him." He gave Kendall the card and then crossed the room to where James was still fast asleep. "He doesn't feel so hot," He reported right away.

Kendall nodded, slightly distracted by the card he held. "Yeah, I know. His temperature was down to 100 last time I took it. Logie, this is really great. Did you do this all by yourself?"

Logan shook his head and pointed to Carlos while he kept his other hand on James' forehead. "Carlos help me a lot." He told Kendall. "Can you sign your name please?"

Kendall bit his lip, half-wishing that Logan had left him more room to write even though he didn't think any words would fix his broken friend. "Sure thing, Logan." He said, finding a small square of space and squeezing his name in. "Here you go, buddy."

Logan took the card and then laid it out on James' pillow, pausing to readjust Moosey in his friend's arms. "There," He said turning to Kendall and Carlos. "Can we eat something now? All the work made me so hungry."

Carlos nodded. "Sounds good to me. Kendall are you coming or do you want us to bring you something? It's almost 2:00."

"I don't think James has eaten since yesterday morning," Kendall mused. "Bring us both something and we'll see if he's hungry when he wakes up, okay? I'll stay here for now at least."

"Jamie will get better so soon because we're taking such good care of him just like he took care of me." Logan said proudly as he followed Carlos out of the room.

Kendall smiled, watching his friends leave and then focused his attention back on James. "I hope so," He said softly. "We need him."

**A/N. Logan cut my heart out of my chest, put it in a blender, and poured the contents down the bathtub drain. In other words, he killed me. Ahem. I shall leave you now. Oh, fun tip! My new story idea is WAY different than anything else I've written. But that's all you're getting! Haha. I love you all!**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N. The only reason this chapter is up is because last night my best friend did almost all of my biology homework for me, not only giving me some free time, but also preserving what sanity I have left. I love you, Alex. This one is for you. -heart- I don't own anything.**

They slept in the same room again that night with Logan curled up as close as possible to a sick James while Carlos and Kendall tried to keep their distance and stay close at the same time. Carlos and Logan fell asleep almost instantly while Kendall drifted off sometime after midnight. Every twenty minutes he would jolt awake and sit up to make sure his friends were all okay. He was worried about James who had woken up briefly around nine with no appetite and a higher fever of 105. Still, he insisted that he would be fine the next day and that all he needed was sleep. Mrs. Knight had called his parents again and they told her that if his fever went any higher then they should probably take him to the hospital to be safe but all three Diamonds seemed certain that everything would be fine.

But Kendall was worried because he had never seen James sick at all and seeing him so weak was more than a little unnerving. For the first time in a long time, Logan wasn't the first thing on his mind. He knew Logan was okay and that Carlos was fine and that Katie and his mom were the same. But James. So Kendall really shouldn't have been so surprised when he was woken up by someone shaking him and whispering his name, accompanied by quiet but frightened sobs.

"Kenny, please. Wake up!"

Logan's voice. Kendall's eyes shot open and quickly adjusted to the pitch black of the room to see Logan hovering inches from his face. "Logie?" He whispered, scared and alarmed. "Buddy, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"It's J-Jamie," Logan said, waking up Carlos with a particularly loud sob. "I c-can't wake him up and he f-feels like he's on fire and he w-won't s-stop shaking."

Logan hadn't even finished speaking before Kendall was across the room, kneeling by the bed. For a split second Kendall was positive that James was dead because his face was a terrifying shade of gray. But in the next second he saw that James was indeed shaking so much that he was in danger of falling out of bed and he was breathing as if he had just finished running a marathon. Sweat poured from his body, soaking his clothes and the sheets the he had become entangled in. His brown hair looked black as it literally dripping with the sweat from his forehead. Every once in a while, a harsh, pained sounding whimper seemed to be practically jerked from between his lips.

Shocked, Kendall only dimly heard Carlos say something about getting his mother. He reached out and touched James' forehead unable to restrain from crying out when it felt like his hand had been burned. "James?" His voice sounded so tiny even to himself. "James, can you hear me?" He placed a hand on James' shoulder and gave him a hesitant shake, scared even more when James' head simply lolled around weakly to rest on his shoulder. "James!" Suddenly, he shouted and slapped James' face. "Wake up!"

"Kendall, what in the world-"

"Mom," Kendall choked on a sob but didn't turn to greet his mother. "Something's wrong. I can't wake James up and he's burning up. He's so hot, Mom and he won't wake up."

Mrs. Knight carefully brushed aside an hysterical Logan and knelt by Kendall. "James, can you hear me, sweetie?" She gasped when she felt his forehead and turned to her son. "We have to take him to the hospital now. Do you think you can carry him to the car?"

"B-but," Kendall could hardly breathe. "Shouldn't we call-"

"I don't want to risk the ambulance not getting here in time. We can have him in the ER in ten minutes if we leave now. Kendall, James needs you, okay? Calm down."

Kendall tried to obey her by taking in a deep breath. He nodded and then gathered James in his arms, staggering under the absolute dead weight. "C-Carlos," He whispered shakily. "I need you to help me. Take his legs." Carlos nodded and moved from Logan's side to obey Kendall. He watched carefully until Kendall nodded and together they lifted James from the bed.

Mrs. Knight had rushed ahead to call the hospital and let them know they were coming and start her car. Before Kendall had a second to worry about Logan, Katie appeared and knelt down by the sobbing boy. "Logan," She said gently. "We're going to take James the hospital, okay? The doctors will help him." She pried his fingers apart from where they clutched his legs to his chest and took his hand. "Come on, walk with me." If Kendall hadn't been so completely terrified, he would have felt a rush of pride for his baby sister, grown up way too soon. But for now, he had to focus on his other friend who was still unconscious.

The night air was cool and it scared Kendall because it was obviously the last thing James needed. His mother had the car waiting right outside the door though and he and Carlos carefully loaded their friend in. Kendall cradled James' head in his lap and ran his hands up and down the bare arms that were covered in goosebumps. "Stay with us, buddy." He whispered, allowing himself to cry now that he didn't need to see.

"Why doesn't he wake up?" Logan asked desperately from where he sat in the middle of the van with Katie. "Jamie, please wake up! You didn't even see my get-well card yet!" He waved the piece of paper, now slightly crumbled in front of James' face.

Kendall was about to tell Logan to stop because the paper was making the tiniest of breezes but before he could speak, there was a soft groan and James' eyes fluttered open. "James," He said trying to keep his friend awake. "Can you hear me?"

"W-where's Logan? Is he okay?"

"I'm here, James." Logan's voice had softened and he let his card flutter to the ground to take James' hand and hold it tightly. "You have to be okay, James. Stay awake. We're gonna take you to the hospital and the doctors will make you feel better, okay?"

"Mm." James murmured, shivering violently. "I'm s-so cold,"

"You'll be fine," Carlos told him. "Just hang in there."

James stared blearily up at his friends as if he was too sick to even recognize them. "I'm s-sorry," He muttered suddenly, his teeth clanking together hard.

"You didn't do anything though, James." Kendall insisted, trying to at least keep his friend talking. "You're just sick that's all. Stay awake okay?"

"B-but I'm s-so tired," James complained. "And cold. I wanna s-sleep now."

"You already slept a whole lot though!" Logan exclaimed tearfully. "Jamie, you're scaring me, please!"

Logan's words shattered through James' feverish mind and he blinked hard, trying to clear his blurred vision. "Logie," He rasped gently. "Don't be scared, buddy." But he was scared himself because he had never in all his life felt so sick before. He was sure he was dying and for once he didn't want to leave the world. He didn't want to leave his friends behind and Logan. . . Logan. Tears filled his eyes and James wasn't sure if he was crying because he was scared for himself or scared for his friends and what might happen to them if he did die.

Kendall and Carlos were right. He had made mistakes. Stupid and horrible mistakes that he would have to deal with for the rest of his life. But he wanted to deal with them now. He wanted to live long and always with his best friends. Kendall was right when he said that Logan mattered in a different way to James. He was James' whole world now and he didn't want to leave it.

As he reached this revelation, Mrs. Knight pulled up in front the the Emergency Room doors and a group of doctors came to take James away from his friends. "Wait," He protested weakly. "Logie, don't cry, buddy. I'll be okay." He could only hope he wasn't lying but he looked pleadingly up at Kendall and Carlos anyway, asking them silently to take care of Logan for him. If he did die then at least he could die knowing that Logan going to be okay.

Kendall shook his head stubbornly. "I won't promise because I won't need to." He whispered fiercely as tears streamed down his pale face. "You're not. . . you're not going to die, James. You're going to be fine. We've made it too far to lose you now." Typical Kendall.

"See you later, James." Carlos said pointedly. Even in his groggy state James wondered at Carlos' new found maturity because as he spoke, he had Logan in a one armed hugged, soothing him.

"Okay," James nodded and allowed the doctors to lay him out on the stretcher. He tried not to panic as they took him away from his friends but all he could think of was the last time he had found himself staring up at the obnoxious white walls and bright lights of a hospital building. The accident. James forgot all about how cold he was and how terribly everything ached and how scared he was for everyone. All he could remember was the accident.

He remembered seeing Logan sitting beside him in the wrecked car, unconscious and bleeding. He remembered that no matter how many times he called to him, his best friend never once responded. He remembered being taken away from Logan and panicking because he thought he would never see him again. He remembered the agony of the hours of helpless waiting he had been forced to endure before he found out that Logan was at least alive. He remembered seeing him for the first time after the accident. He remembered being released from the hospital and sitting at Logan's bedside until he was kicked out of the hospital and then spending the hours at home either laying in Logan's bed or sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring with good news. He remembered when Logan woke up. And even though that had happened months ago, it was the last thing James remembered before he was sent off until a blissful state of unconsciousness where nothing hurt.

* * *

If Kendall hadn't been occupied by a very distraught Logan in his arms, he would have been pacing the hospital floors in frantic worry. He hated this. He never wanted to be put through such torture again and yet here he was. They all were back in the waiting room, completely helpless to do anything. Was this the third time in only a few months that they were waiting to hear if their best friend would be okay?

Kendall wrapped his arms around Logan and pulled him as close as possible, smiling gratefully at Carlos who was rubbing his back comfortingly. But the smile wouldn't stick because all Kendall could do was remember and all the memories that were assaulting him were bad memories. Waiting to see if Logan would be okay after cutting himself on James' pocketknife. Waiting to see if Logan _and _James would be okay after the accident that started everything.

The accident. Kendall leaned his head wearily back against the wall and tried to extend his embrace to Carlos. He didn't even bother to try and stop remembering.

_Kendall flopped on the couch along with Carlos, both boys breathing a sigh of relief. "Man," Kendall murmured, running a hand through his blonde hair that was damp with sweat. "I'm glad Gustavo and Mr. X finally decided to give us a break. It feels like we've been working all day!"_

"_We've have been working all day, Kendall." Carlos told him with a groan. "I wish James and Logan were here at least. That way they could share some of the abuse. Besides," He added when Kendall chuckled. "I miss them. It's not really fun without them."_

"_You're right about that." Kendall agreed, reaching for his phone. "Speaking of those two, I think I'll text Logie to see how James is doing. I don't think I've ever really seen him sick." As he spoke, his thumbs typed out a quick message that he sent to both James' and Logan's phones. "There."_

_Both he and Carlos stared at the phone as if thinking it would vibrate at any second. After a minute they shrugged and went back to relaxing as much as they possible could before Gustavo came to drag them back into the studio. "Do you think James is okay?" Carlos asked somewhat anxiously._

"_Sure." Kendall said confidently. "Logan said that he just had a migraine and that he'll be fine. Don't worry Carlitos. Dr. Mitchell is with the patient."_

_A knock at the door interrupted their banter and they turned to see Kelly walk in. The complaints they had prepared about their shortened break they noticed that Gustavo's assistant looked upset about something. "Guys," She said quietly. "Kendall, your mom is here. You both need to leave with her now."_

_Kendall and Carlos shot to their feet and raced over to Kelly, demanding to know what was going on. But she simply shook her head. "I think. . . I think your mom needs to tell you, Kendall." She said in a quiet voice that scared them even more. It was like she was in shock. She ignored their constant pestering and simply led them to the front of the studio where Mrs. Knight and Katie were waiting anxiously._

"_Mom?" Kendall asked, trying to calm down when he was only panicking more. "Mom, what is it? What's wrong?" Inside, he didn't know why he even bothered asking. He knew. Logan and James. Something had happened to Logan and James. Had Logan been wrong? Was James sicker than he had originally thought? Kendall knew better though. Logan wouldn't be wrong. No. It was both of them. Something was horribly, dreadfully wrong._

"_Kendall, Carlos, we have to go to the hospital." Mrs. Knight told them in a barely controlled voice. "Logan and James were in a car accident on their way over here."_

_He had no idea how they made it out to the car. As soon as they sat back down, Carlos folded his hands in his lap and stared blankly out the window in complete silence. It was Kendall who found the courage to ask the question they were both thinking. "Mom, are they okay? How. . . how bad is it?"_

"_Sweetie-"_

"_No, Mom." Kendall's voice shook. "I- We need to know. Please."_

_His mother sighed and gripped the steering wheel with shaking hands, but complied with his wish. "I don't know too much," She began quietly. "James' parents have been called as well but. . . but he should be fine they think."_

"_They think?" Kendall repeated. "Why don't they know? And what about Logan?"_

"_Kendall, Logan was hurt very badly." Her voice broke this time and a lone tears escaped to roll down her pale face. "Now, they said that he. . . that he was alive when they took him to the hospital but he was injured very badly. They. . . they don't know, Kendall."_

_Over the roaring in his ears that was a barely subdued panic, Kendall heard Carlos start to cry very quietly. He reached over through his shock and found his friend, pulling him as close as their seat belts would allow. "Carlos, don't cry." He whispered because it was the only thing he could think of to say. Carlos should never have to cry. He should never have a reason to cry._

"_B-but I'm scared." Carlos said shakily. "L-Logan."_

"_He'll be fine," Kendall said before he could think twice. "He. . . he had to be." It was true. Logan had to be okay. Because if he wasn't, then what would happen to the rest of them?_

"Kendall?"

Kendall broke out of his daze at the sound of Logan's timid whisper. His heart ached when he thought of that day again and of everything that had happened since. They had been through hell but they had just made it back together in one piece and now it was like the cycle had started all over again. What if they lost James now?

"Kendall?" Logan repeated, giving his friend a small shake.

"Logan," Kendall tried to smile. "What's up?"

"When is James coming back home?" Logan asked, seeming to forget that they weren't even home. They were still waiting in the waiting room of the ER. Waiting to see if James was even-

"He has to be." Carlos interrupted gently, reading Kendall's mind. "He will be."

"Carlos is right, Logan. James will be fine. He might have to stay here for a little while though just in case."

Logan nodded, looking relieved. "Just like me. And since all of you stayed with me then we can stay with James, right?"

Kendall couldn't answer though because a doctor was finally approaching them. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his mother hang up the phone and rush over just in time to hear the doctor's first words.

"James will be fine." The man seemed to sense that they all needed to be reassured before anything else. "His temperature was up to 107.2 and he was extremely dehydrated. He also appeared to be suffering from exhaustion and stress which probably didn't help matters at all."

"That makes sense," Kendall nodded, feeling like he was about to drown in guilt. But he tried to push those feeling away because he had learned by now that they didn't do anything. "107.2" He repeated in a dazed voice. "Are you. . . are you sure he'll be okay?"

"We'll have to keep him for thirty-six to forty-eight hours for observation but we have him hooked up to an IV and he's already looking better. His temperature was down to 105 even when I left to come tell you. Have his parents been contacted?"

Mrs. Knight nodded. "I just got off the phone with them. They're leaving now and should be here early tomorrow morning. I'll call them again now though and let them know so they can relax a little. Kendall, why don't you all head over to his room to keep him company okay? Tell him his parents are coming and I'll be there shortly."

Kendall nodded, relieved, and quickly followed the doctor, making sure Logan, Katie, and Carlos were right with him. "Hey," He greeted James, even more relieved to see that he was conscious and more alert than he had been all night. "You look a lot better."

"Thanks," James offered them a weak smile and then held out his arms from Logan who went willingly. "Sorry I worried you guys. I guess I should have told you I was feeling worse, huh?"

"Were you even conscious then?" Kendall asked shakily as he and Carlos and Katie, reached around Logan to hug James.

James shook his head. "Honestly, I don't even know. It's all a big blur. Logan, don't cry, bud. I'm okay."

"I got you sick," Logan sobbed into James' shoulder, both hands clinging to the light hospital gown he was wearing.

"Don't blame yourself, Logan." James said as firmly as he dared. "It wasn't your fault. Hey," He softened his tone when Logan turned away from him. "Look at me, Logan. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm not leaving you, I promise."

"But you might." Logan said, peeking up at his friend.

James only shook his head, knowing that it was a foolish promise. But if he was going to die then he was going to to have to be dragged kicking and screaming because never before had his will to live been so powerful. "I'm not leaving you until you send me away."

Logan looked confused. "I'd never tell you to go away, Jamie." He said softly.

"Exactly," James glanced up at Kendall, Carlos, and Katie, smiling when he saw how peaceful they finally looked. They had reached a turning point in their new lives and it was all going to work out for the best, James just knew it. "So you're stuck with me then. All of you."

"We wouldn't have it any other way." Kendall promised while Carlos and Katie nodded vigorously.

"But James," Logan said, still confused. "Your mommy and daddy are coming. What if they take you away again?"

**A/N. WELL THEN. I'm suffering from an angst overload. I'm gonna go. . . I don't even know. Die. Alex, I'm sorry this is late lol. I LOVE YOU.**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N. I don't own anything.**

James was only pretending to sleep. Everyone was in the hospital room with him and they were all fast asleep at last. They should be and so should he. It was ten in the morning and too early to be awake, after such a long night. His eyes roamed around the dimly lit room, taking in everything. Mrs. Knight held Katie on the lone cot the doctors had given them. Carlos and Kendall were sprawled out uncomfortably in cushioned chairs, both of them snoring softly. He looked down where Logan was sleeping peacefully in his arms once again and smiled despite his mix of emotions.

In one hand he held the get-well card Logan had made for him the other day. Was it only yesterday? He had just given it to James a few hours ago. James stared at the childishly drawn images on the paper. He examined the first picture and how wrong it seemed the way they were all apart and how his own stick figure was crying. It made him sad to just look at so he turned it over and looked at the other side that was crammed with colorful and happy drawings. Careful not to disturb Logan, James lifted a finger and traced the pictures. "One day," He whispered softly.

The door opened and he let the paper flutter to the sheets as he used both arms to hold Logan protectively. He had been waiting for their arrival. "Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad." He greeted them uncertainly, knowing that they had to be worried and scared out of their minds. His voice woke Logan up and he gave his friend a reassuring squeeze.

Logan's eyes widened in fright and he sat up, closer to James. "Are you going to take him away from us again?" He asked, effectively waking everyone else up.

James braced himself for his parents to confirm his worst fears. He didn't know what he was going to say but somehow he had to convince them all over again. He held his breath along with everyone else as first his mother and then his father hugged him close, careful not to disturb Logan's place on the hospital bed.

"How are you feeling, dear?" Mrs. Diamond asked. She gratefully took the seat Kendall offered her and held her son's hand in both of hers. "You scared us so much, James." Before he could answer her, she surprised the others by looking at Logan with a gentle smile. "Hi, Logan. How are you?"

"It's my fault that Jamie got sick," Logan blurted out. "Because I was sick and he stayed with me the whole time and took care of me. So he caught my germs and got real sick. I'm really sorry, but please don't make him go away."

"Logan, I think we need to apologize to all of you." James' mother replied, saying the very last thing any of them expected.

Confusion filled Logan's eyes. He looked at everyone in the room as if they could help him understand better but when he was met with blank expressions, he turned helplessly back to Mrs. Diamond. "Why?" He asked softly. "Why are you sorry?"

"We're sorry for trying to take James away in the first place when it was clear that he belonged right here with all of you." James' mother wiped tears from her eyes and tried to smile. But she and her husband had not spent the time with Logan that the others had. They weren't accustomed to his childlike innocence that was still heartbreaking no matter how much time passed. She let go of James with one hand and reached out slowly to Logan.

"Well," Logan replied thoughtfully. He turned away from Mrs. Diamond but only so he could look up at James. "If I were you I would try to take James away too. Because he's just so amazing. See, James? I told you that you were amazing. Everybody wants to be with you."

James couldn't answer. There had once been a time when he would have been proud to hear those words spoken about him. There had once been a time when he could actually believe those words. That time was over now. Things had changed. He was far from amazing. When James saw that Logan was waiting patiently for a response he smiled and cleared his throat. "Thanks, buddy." He said softly. "I'd be really lonely without all of you."

"You don't have to worry about that." Kendall tried to sound firm but inside he was shaking as he watched Mr. and Mrs. Diamond. He was afraid to accept their apology. It seemed so sudden and all too easy. He had no problem with forgiving them since he had a hand in the falling-out. He just wasn't sure if he deserved their forgiveness.

As if sensing the tense atmosphere in the room, Logan sighed and sat up. "Why can't as all just be happy and be friends again?" He suggested hopefully. "Because when we're sad, things just get messier." He glanced back at James to make sure he was okay and then slid off the bed to hug Mrs. Diamond. "I love you," He whispered in her ear.

James tensed, watching uneasily for his mother's reaction. He knew there was no reason to worry but he couldn't help himself. He let out a trembling sigh of relief when his mother simply wrapped her arms around Logan and pulled him close.

"We love you too, Logan." Mrs. Diamond whispered while her husband hugged Logan. "We're sorry for hurting you."

"But it's okay," Logan shrugged off the apology and sat back down on the bed next to James. "I just want everyone to be happy again."

"We do too." James' father finally spoke and then turned to the others standing off to the side. "We owe all of you an apology too. Especially you, Kendall. It wasn't right for us to react the way we did over what happened between you and James."

Kendall gave a half-smile. "Actually I think it was pretty well-deserved except for that it upset Logan." He said quietly. "But I think Logan is right. We should move on if we can. I'm just. . . I'm sorry I didn't take better care of James when he was sick."

James rolled his eyes. "Kendall, I didn't even know that I'd wind up here." He gestured around the hospital room before going on. "Nobody did. It's no one's fault."

"You're all so weird." Logan chimed in unexpectedly. "Normally people try to blame other people but you all blame yourselves instead of each other."

Carlos was the first one to untangle Logan's words and make sense of them. "Exactly, Logie." He said with a wide grin. "That's what I keep telling them."

"Great minds think like each other, right?" Logan asked, returning Carlos' smile. "So are we all friends again?" When everyone nodded, his smile widened. "Good. Now we can have fun again."

"Only when James can come home." Kendall cautioned. He looked up at his friend's parents. "His temperature was done to 101 when they checked earlier this morning. They might release him later in the afternoon."

"He took real good care of me." Logan turned serious again as he pointed to James. "When I was sick I was really cold and my throat hurt really bad. But James gave me my medicine and stayed with me the whole time until I felt better. Then he got sick and Kendall stayed with him the whole time. I made him a get-well card, see?"

James quickly found the card and handed it over to his parents. "Isn't it great?" He asked with a forced grin. "I think Carlos helped him."

Carlos shrugged modestly. "Only a little bit, right Logan?"

Logan nodded, looking proud of himself. "He helped me spell some things because I have trouble with that sometimes. But not for long because Kenny is helping me and he said that soon he'll help me even more." He looked up at Kendall eagerly. "Right?"

"Absolutely right, Logan." Kendall told him with a smile. "I can't wait."

"Logan, this card is beautiful." Mrs. Diamond said admiringly. She had quickly flipped the paper around to see the happier side and looked up at Logan with a smile. "I love all the colors."

"Thank you." Logan said with a shy smile. He sighed in contentment and leaned against James' shoulder. "Did James tell you that he took me to the zoo?"

The relaxed atmosphere of the room vanished completely. James stiffened and had to remind himself to stay calm. The zoo. He didn't want to think about the zoo ever again. He didn't want to talk about it either. His parents had noticed everyone's discomfort and he tried to think of what to say.

"No he didn't." Mr. Diamond looked curiously at his son, slightly concerned when he became unexpectedly pale.

"Logan," Kendall stood up, his eyes on James. "We're going to get some breakfast with James' parents. Do you want to come or keep James company? We can bring you something if you want to hang out here."

"Um, okay." Logan said with a quick nod. "I'll stay here."

Both of James' parents looked curiously at Kendall and Carlos who were already headed to the door. Kendall tried to make them understand how important it was that they come with him. He glanced at James and then his mother. "Mom, do you and Katie want to stay here too?" When he saw her nod, Kendall also saw that James' parents seemed to understand what he wanted. The four of them left and walked slowly down the halls.

"Kendall, is everything okay with James?"

Carlos flinched and glanced at Kendall, wondering how on earth his friend was going to respond. But Kendall was silent, as if he was lost deep in thought. "I think Kendall wanted to talk to you privately because. . . well, because the zoo trip didn't work out so well and since then. . . James has. . . he's needed a little encouragement." Encouragement? James had confessed that he was suicidal. He needed more than encouragement. But Carlos was afraid of the truth. Besides, James was getting better, wasn't he?

"What happened at the zoo?" Mr. Diamond asked quietly. He sat down with his wife and squeezed her hand reassuringly as they waited for the boys to explain.

"We watched _The Lion King_ a few days ago." Kendall finally found his voice. "Logan wanted to see real lions so James told him that they would go to the zoo together. It was just the two of them because the rest of us were at a group therapy appointment. James didn't want to go because he was tired of therapy. We decided it would be good for him to show him that. . . that we trust him with Logan. He's been having trouble with that lately." He waited to make sure James' parents were following him before he kept going.

"Anyway, the two of them left and Carlos and I were just about to leave to the group therapy meeting when. . ." He trailed off and stumbled a bit in his narrative. "James called. He was panicking because. . . because he didn't know where Logan was. He had lost him."

"He what?" Mrs. Diamond gasped in alarm, covering her mouth with one hand. "How?"

Tears came to Carlos' eyes but they weren't for Logan. They were for James. It was only after the incident at the zoo that he and Kendall had realized just how deeply James had been damaged. Logan had been hurt in the accident in a way that might not be fixed at all, but in a way, James' situation was worse. James would never truly be okay again no matter what happened with Logan. The reality of that had hit Carlos when James had confessed everything to them. "It wasn't his fault." He cut in quickly. "Not really. The zoo was crowded and he was looking for his money and-"

"Carlos, calm down." Mrs. Diamond took a deep breath. "Everything's okay, isn't it? Logan's fine."

Kendall nodded but then swallowed hard. "But James isn't fine." He said quietly. "Logan wasn't hurt at all. He was by the lions when James found him. He was perfectly happy except that when James found him he got upset because. . . well, because James was a mess."

"I can understand that." James' father said slowly. "But I'm guessing it wasn't just that day that upset James so much."

"It's everything." Kendall said, nodding. "I mean, I think he's doing better because he told us everything and that probably helped him. But I'm still worried about him. He. . ." He couldn't meet their gaze and stared hard at the surface of the table they were sitting at. "He said he's thought of. . . of killing himself."

"He. . . he what?"

"I thought you should know." Kendall said quietly, feeling tears begin to escape the blockade he had set up. "I mean, like I said, I'm pretty sure that he's doing better now and he even said that he doesn't want to die anymore. But. . . I thought you should know. I. . . I don't know what else to do."

"Sweetie," Mrs. Diamond broke her frozen posture and reached out to touch Kendall gently on the shoulder. "You've done so much already."

"Exactly," Kendall said bitterly. "That's part of the reason James was suicidal."

"But you've made up for that." James' father said quickly. "Kendall, we've talked with James every night on the phone and all he talks about is you, Carlos, and Logan and how much you all mean to him. If he didn't have you. . . then. . . well things might be a lot worse than they are now."

"He's been great with Logan," Carlos said, hoping to make everyone feel a little more optimistic. "He's been so protectively and. . . like a dad which is something Logan needs right now. Logan already said this but James really did stay with him the entire time he was sick. He didn't _move_. He took such good care of him and I think that's part of the reason he got so sick himself. I don't think he slept or ate the entire time."

Pride chased some of the fear away in James' parents' faces. "That clears things up a little bit." Mrs. Diamond said softly.

"Are. . . are you going to take him back home now?" Kendall asked uneasily, not wanting to say what he was thinking. "Maybe. . . maybe it would be better if he was with you after all."

"No, Kendall." Mrs. Diamond said right away. "You _know_ that James belongs here with all of you. You trust him with Logan don't you?" When Kendall nodded, she smiled. "Well, we trust you with James. Our house hasn't sold yet but we had a family a few days ago that seemed very interested. In the meantime, we know you and Carlos and Logan and everyone else will take good care of our son."

**A/N. I HATE FAN FICTION. I HATE IT! I uploaded a new chapter of Big Time Rush Requests or whatever I called it and I have one review because everyone is clueless. DJLEFREYGT6 BUT I LOVE ALL OF YOU. -heart-**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N. Lala. This will be the last update until after the 22nd because I have a huge paper that I'm most likely going to fail. I can't write a nine page paper on something I don't understand lol. Anyway, I'm going to need all week to work on it so yeah. Sorry! I don't own anything.**

"Logan!" Carlos sang out as he entered the kitchen. He sat down at the table next to Logan who was absorbed in a coloring book. "Hey, buddy! Wanna go somewhere in a little bit?"

Logan finished filling in a star with a gold crayon and then looked up. "Carlos," he began curiously. "I wanted this star to be gold like Christmas tree stars are supposed to be," he pointed to the star and then held up the crayon, a frown appearing on his face. "I thought it would be pretty but I don't like it at all. It looks dirty."

The book was pushed in his direction and Carlos turned it over so he could see it better. Logan was right and Carlos tried not to think about how he used to think the same thing. . . when he was six.

"It's not shiny," Logan added when Carlos didn't answer him right away. "I thought gold was always real shiny."

"Well," Carlos said slowly as a lone explanation came to him. "Logan, gold isn't shiny at first. It's in the ground and in caves and dirty places like that. It has to be cleaned really well before it gets shiny like necklaces and rings and-"

"And stars." Logan interrupted. His forehead wrinkled in confusion. "So does that mean this is a dirty crayon? If I wash it will it get clean and shiny?"

Carlos shook his head. "Sorry, buddy, but it doesn't work that way. I don't know what gold crayons are like that." He hated that he couldn't give Logan a better explanation.

But Logan laid aside the gold crayon and smiled, apparently willing to forget all about it and its lack in shine. "Are we going somewhere?"

Carlos blinked and was quiet as his mind tried to catch up with Logan's ever changing train of thought. "Um," he stammered. Then it all came back to him and he closed the coloring book with a smile. "Oh yeah! I was wondering if you wanted to come to the mall with me, James, and Kendall today. You know, Christmas is coming and we have some shopping to do."

Logan's eyes sparkled in excitement. "I know Christmas is coming!" he said eagerly. "That's why I was coloring a Christmas tree." He stood up and hurriedly began shoving discarded crayons back into the box. "Let's go!"

It was impossible to feel sad at Christmastime. It didn't matter that Logan had turned seventeen a few months ago. His childlike innocence was a part of the holiday season just like the Christmas music, lights, and decorations that the boys saw wherever they went. The only thing that was missing was the snow.

"Ready, you two?" Kendall asked as he and James walked into the room. "We can get something to eat for lunch at the food court and then do some shopping."

"Can we see Santa?" Logan asked hopefully.

Both Kendall and Carlos were speechless for a moment. James, however, was quick to respond. "Sure, Logan!" he said with a smile. "That's a great idea!" He beckoned to Logan and then helped him into his jacket. "It's pretty chilly out," he said when Logan complained mildly. "Better safe than sorry. Where's your helmet, bud?"

"Um," Logan glanced around the room and then smiled victoriously when he spotted the headgear hanging from the back of a kitchen chair. "Right here!" he told James proudly.

"Awesome." James took the helmet from Logan and set it gently on his friend's head, making sure that it was secure. "Okay, you're ready. What about Kendall and Carlos over here?"

"I just have to- oh, thanks, Kendall!" Carlos laughed as he took the jacket Kendall offered him. "I guess I'm ready then."

"Mom, we'll be back before dinner, okay?" Kendall said as he led the way to the door.

"Okay, be safe and have fun." Mrs. Knight pulled Logan gently aside and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Sweetie, stay with James and Kendall and Carlos, okay? Don't wander off."

Logan squirmed away, eager to go. "I promise," he said dutifully. "I'll stay with them. We're going to see Santa! James said we could."

James shied away from the smile he received from Mrs. Knight and ducked his head as he fiddled with the zipper on Logan's coat. "Hold still, Logie. I sad we could go but first we have to make sure you're going to stay warm."

"James," Logan glanced around the room and then lowered his voice so only James could hear him. "You do know that we're not going to the North Pole to see Santa, right? He's right here in North America in the United States in California in Los Angeles in the mall where we are going." His eyes were wide with wonder as he spoke. "I saw a sign the other day. So we don't need to dress like Eskimos."

"I do know that, Logie." James told him with a small smile. "I just don't want you to get sick again."

At that, Logan turned serious. "Me neither," he said gravely. "Because then you might get real sick again."

"Well," James rushed to ease Logan's fears. "I just don't want any of my buddies getting sick because it's not fun. But now you're ready so we can go, okay?" He started to move forward but was stopped by Mrs. Knight as she gave him a quick hug before moving on to Carlos and Kendall.

"You're all going to be wonderful fathers," she said fondly. "I'm really proud of all of you." Wiping her eyes, she turned to Kendall to give some last minute instructions. "Kendall, call me if you need to, okay? Katie and I are going to stick around today and do some decorating and baking."

Logan tugged at James' hand, impatient to leave. "Can we go now?" he pleaded.

"We're going, we're going." James allowed Logan to drag him to the door and out into the hallway. "Logan, Santa isn't going anywhere. We don't need to hurry you know."

"James, Santa is really busy," Logan stressed. "I don't want to miss him 'cause I have something really important to ask him for Christmas."

"Oh yeah?" James managed to stop Logan and they waited for Kendall and Carlos to catch up. "What's that?" he asked curiously.

But Logan shook his head. "It's a secret," he whispered.

James nodded, extremely curious but unwilling to push Logan. "Okay then."

"Nice of you to wait for us," Kendall teased when he and Carlos joined them in the elevator. He glanced at James, noticing the increased nervousness of his best friend. He sighed, glad that the trip to the mall was so short.

The air was cold and James glanced at Logan, once again making sure that his jacket was on the correct way. "Okay, let's get going, Kendall!" he said, faking cheerfulness. He did _not _want to get in the car. He hated car rides. He sat in the back with Logan and tried to think about everything else but the possibility of another accident. Kendall was a good, safe, driver.

Still, they could not arrive at the mall soon enough. James was out of the car as soon as the engine stopping running. He leaned against the side as he waited for his friends and closed his eyes, breathing in the fresh air. He felt a hand slide into squeeze and give a reassuring squeeze.

"You're okay, Jamie." Logan told him softly.

"I know, Logie." James took a deep breath and smiled. "Let's go then."

Of course the line to see Santa was extremely long but James was quick to point out that it would only get worse when the families came back from their lunch at the food court. "We can wait to eat," he said, looking at Logan who was staring longingly at the beautiful display.

Fortunately, once they were in line, they didn't have to wait that long. It helped that half of the kids had meltdowns as soon as they were placed on the stranger's lap and the photographer was quick to snap a picture of the red faced child being held by a tired looking Santa. Logan shook his head as he watched. "Why are they crying?" he asked.

"I don't really know, Logan." James said, deciding there was little point in making up some explanation. "They're scared I guess because they don't really know him."

"But he's so nice!" Logan insisted.

"Yeah," James glanced over at his friend. "Hey, buddy, you know not to talk to people you don't know unless we say it's okay, right?" His heart still pounded when he thought of the day at the zoo and how easily Logan could have been taken from them by some monster.

But Logan nodded his head. "Of course I do, James."

Kendall gave James a thumbs up. "Just making sure, Logie." he said, smiling. "Hey, look it's your turn now!" He stepped forward and watched with James and Carlos as Logan hurried over to Santa. It hurt to see that no one even thought to stop him. Was his handicap that obvious to people who didn't even know him?

"Hi, Santa!"

"Hello!" Not a trace of confusion appeared on the elderly man's face and he patted his knee then gave Logan a hug. "What's your name?"

"Logan." Logan answered promptly. He sat on Santa's lap and laid one arm over the man's shoulders, resting his head against the long, white beard. "I only want one thing this year, Santa."

"Well, we'll see what I can do." Santa replied cautiously as if in all his years he had experience to know what Logan was about to ask him might not be possible.

Logan pointed over at Kendall, Carlos, and James. "See them? They are my best friends."

Santa watched as all three boys plastered false smiles on their faces and waved. He waved back and then turned to Logan. "I see them. They look like nice boys."

"Oh, they are very nice boys." Logan told him. "But they are very sad. See, me and James were in a real bad accident a while ago. I hurt my head." He tapped his helmet for emphasis. "Anyway, that's why they're so sad I guess. So I need you to make me better."

James sucked in a deep breath, not daring to look at Kendall or Carlos. He didn't want to look at Santa and Logan either but for some reason his eyes were drawn to the mismatched pair.

"Well, Logan." Santa apparently knew just what to say because he didn't hesitate. "I can't do everything, you know that, right?"

"You can't?" Logan drew away, looking incredibly disappointed. "I thought you were magic. I thought you could do anything."

"Logan," Santa said quietly. "I can only imagine how hard it is for you and your friends right now. But everything happens for a reason to teach us lessons and make us better people. I can see that all of you are very brave and strong boys. You're going to be okay no matter what happens as long as you have each other."

Logan smiled. "We'll always have each other," he said confidently.

"So you'll be okay," Santa hugged Logan one last time. "Just remember that if everyone was happy all the time we would forget to be thankful. Hard times remind us to be thankful for each other and the good times we have."

"That makes sense." Logan nodded and then glanced back at his friends. "Since you can't make me better, can I have a puppy?"

Santa let his gaze wander over to Logan's friends and he smiled. "I think I might be able to arrange that, Logan."

"Thanks, Santa!" Logan said happily. "I'll leave cookies out for you, okay? What is your favorite kind?"

"I like all kinds."

"Okay," Logan nodded and then threw his arms around the old man. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, Logan." Santa reached into a basket by his feet and gave Logan four candy canes. "Here. One for you and each of your friends." He smiled and waved as Logan hurried over to his friends.

"I'm ready to go eat now!" Logan proclaimed, cheerfully handing out the candy.

"Okay, Logan." Kendall sighed, suddenly feeling drained. But he and James and Carlos put on smiles for Logan's sake. Santa was right anyway. They just wished it made it easier. His thoughts were interrupted by quiet snickers coming from directly behind them. He glanced over his shoulder and saw two teenage guys maybe a little older than himself. When they saw that he had noticed them, they both smirked and his heart clenched. They were laughing at _Logan_.

"Kendall," James' voice was quiet but firm as he gripped Kendall by the elbow. "Don't. You'll upset Logan."

"Aw, Kendall." The taller teen had jet black hair and startling blue eyes. "You don't want your little friend to get upset, do you? He's so happy after seeing Santa Claus."

The words weren't had Kendall so upset. It was the kid's cold, mocking tone. He lunged forward, intending to make him regret everything. But James had both arms around him and dimly Kendall could hear his friend telling Carlos to take Logan away. "Let. Me. Go." He growled.

"No!" James tightened his grip. "Kendall, think of Logan. He wouldn't want you to do this."

James was right but Kendall couldn't relax. Anger coursed through him as he watched the two guys laugh at his inner struggle to calm down.

"Why do you even bring him out in public?" The other kid sneered. "Freaking retard should be locked away-"

Kendall didn't hear the rest. He pulled forward violently, trying with all his strength to break free from James' hold. He was surprised when he fell hard to the ground as the arms around him disappeared as soon as he made his move. The air exploded out of his lungs and he had to take a second to bring it back.

As he lay there, trying to breathe and feeling absolutely useless, Kendall heard screaming and the sound of flesh hitting flesh. He picked his head up from the floor and stared. James was on top of the kid who had just spoken, swinging his fists so wildly that everyone who came near him was in danger of getting hit.

"You're a monster!" James screamed. "What is wrong with you?" He felt a pair of hands clawing at him and punching him but he didn't care. Tears streamed down his face, making it hard to see his target. "It's people like you who should be locked up so you can't hurt anyone!" He felt his victim's companion being yanked from his back and he knew that Kendall had him.

But then a strong pair of arms caught his wrists and yanked him backwards. He continued to kick and punch as much as he could. "Let me go!" He yelled angrily. "He deserves it!" Whoever had him didn't answer but continued to drag him away from the crumpled up form on the floor until there was a good amount of distance between them. Then a huge police officer was staring at him and James stopped to stare back at him sullenly.

"Do you realize what you two boys have just done?"

Oh. Kendall was still there. James had forgotten about him. "Yeah, we do." He snapped, answering for both of them. He was shaking hard, wanting nothing more than to get back at the stupid kid and hit him until he felt nothing. "We were protecting our best friend."

"No," The officer apparently disagreed. "You and your friend have just earned a trip to the police station. You can come quietly or we can use these." He held up a pair of handcuffs.

They were being arrested. It wasn't funny at all and Carlos was going to murder them. James laughed anyway and held out both hands. "Go ahead."

**A/N. Oh no, not a cliffhanger! Was that a cliffhanger? I'm not sure. But I can't update until after the 22nd so you'll all have to use your imaginations. I love you all!**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N. I finished my paper before it was due, so I'm back! I'm so glad that I can write again. I've needed to. I don't own anything.**

"Carlos, when are Kendall and James coming in here so we can go get lunch? I'm hungry."

Logan's voice interrupted Carlos' thoughts and brought his gaze away from the shoe store window where just outside, he could see Kendall and James being led away by the police in handcuffs. _In handcuff. _Carlos felt sick. His best friends were being arrested. He was reminded though that he couldn't do anything to help them and that Logan needed him. So he put a smile on his face and turned to Logan. "Sorry, Logan." he apologized. "What did you say?"

Logan looked confused by Carlos' inattention but was quick to return his smile. "I said, when are James and Kendall coming back or when are we going back to them so we can get lunch? I'm hungry." When he still wasn't answered right away he craned his neck, trying to see past Carlos out the window.

"Why don't we," Carlos thought desperately for a diversion. "Logan, why don't we look for some new shoes for you before we get lunch?"

"But. . ." Logan trailed off and looked down at his shoes. "I don't _need_ new shoes, do I?"

"Well, no." Carlos said honestly. Logan's shoes were fine. "Let's just look anyway, okay? That way when you do need new shoes we'll know what to get you!"

To Carlos' relief, Logan relented. "Okay," he said with a sigh. "But I'm _really _hungry and I miss Kendall and James so let's hurry." He grabbed Carlos arm and pulled him down a random aisle, stopping to look around him. "Where are my shoes, Carlos?"

"Um," Carlos paused to get his bearings. "Down here, bud. Come with me." He led Logan down another aisle and stopped him in front of the shoes that looked to be their sizes. "Here we go! See anything you like?"

Logan frowned in concentration and looked all over the shelves, his frown growing when he saw nothing he liked. "No-" he started to say before breaking off into a brief silence as he stared at the other end of the shoe store. "Carlos, there!"

"What?" Carlos tried to follow his eager gaze. When he saw what he was sure Logan saw, his heart felt like it might break into hundreds of tiny pieces all over again. "Oh, buddy." He sat down on the bench that stood just behind them and bit down had on his lower lip, determined to keep the tears away.

Across the store, sat a little boy with his mother, trying on a new pair of sneakers. Carlos watched as the boy, who couldn't have been more than seven, stood up and walked around in a circle with a wide grin on his face. The sneakers flashed a bright light every time he put his foot down and the little boy laughed in delight.

"I like those shoes." Logan said decidedly. "Carlos, can we get me those shoes?" He turned to Carlos, looking so hopeful that it would break a perfect stranger's heart right in two.

"Logan," Carlos said slowly. "Buddy, I don't know. I mean, those shoes are for. . . they're for little kids and. . . and I just don't think they make them in your size." He watched Logan's face fall in complete disappointment. "I'm sorry, Logan-"

"It's okay," Logan said glumly. "It's not your fault, Carlos." He sighed. "I don't feel like shoe shopping anymore though. Can we get lunch now?"

Carlos was relieved that Logan had let go of the shoe issue but now they faced a new issue. James and Kendall. They were gone. Arrested. Kendall had the car keys so Carlos couldn't even take Logan home. He did have money but he knew that Logan wouldn't be thrilled about eating without their other two friends. "Why don't we. . ." he walked out of the store with Logan close by his side and looked left and right. There. "I have an idea, Logan. Actually, it's a surprise."

"What is it?" Logan seemed to forget all about lunch and Kendall and James for the time being. "I like surprises. Tell me, Carlos!"

"If I told you," Carlos put his hands over Logan's eyes and started steering him around the other people in the crowded mall. "It wouldn't be a surprise."

"Okay, but hurry." Logan replied impatiently. He stumbled slightly but Carlos was quick to steady him. "How far is it?"

Carlos smiled. "Not far at all. In fact," he gently stopped Logan from walking into a display case. "We're here." He removed his hands from over Logan's eyes and stepped back to see his reaction.

The delight in Logan's eyes was unmistakable. He turned to look back at Carlos and then quickly set off for a nearby pen. "Puppies!" he exclaimed, his eager voice attracting the attention of everyone in the pet store. "Carlos, look at all the puppies!"

Carlos hurried after Logan. "I see them, Logie." he said, grinning. Logan's enthusiasm was contagious. "What do you think about them?"

"I've never seen so many puppies in one place!" Logan glanced at the little gate in the pen. "Carlos," his voice dropped down to a whisper. "Can we go in there with the puppies and cuddle with them?"

"Cuddle with them?" Carlos repeated before he could stop himself.

"Yeah," Logan ducked his head, Carlos' surprise embarrassing him. "I mean, because they're all so cute and soft like stuffed animals that cuddle you back. Please, Carlos?"

"Hi there, boys." A young woman with a store uniform on walked over to Logan and Carlos and gave them a friendly smile. "I overheard you wanted to see the puppies up close and personal?" She nodded to the gate and then swung in open, beckoning to Logan. "Come on in, sweetie."

Logan didn't need to be told twice. He hurried into the pen and sank down to his knees in the middle of the dozen puppies that were crawling aimlessly around. "Carlos!" he called happily. "Come in here with me and see the puppies!"

Carlos glanced at the pet store employee and after receiving an encouraging nod he gave her a grateful smile and then went to join Logan in the pen that held the puppies. He sat cross-legged right next to his friend and held out both hands for the small animals to sniff. "Wow."

"Aren't they adorable?" Logan asked as he carefully lifted a tiny yellow lab onto his lap. "I like this little guy the best." He laughed when the puppy leaned over to chew on his shoelace. "I think he likes me best too."

"They all like you best, Logie." Carlos told him softly. "What's not to love?"

It was a rhetorical question but Logan took him seriously. "I dunno." he said thoughtfully. "Sometimes people look at me funny because of my helmet. Like those boys today."

At that, Carlos' heart constricted painfully. Logan noticed the boys making fun of him. He forgot all about the golden retriever that was trying to take off his shoe and turned so that he was facing Logan. "Hey, buddy."

Logan looked up distractedly from his new friend. "What?"

"Logan," Carlos cleared his throat and rested his chin in his hands as he watched carefully for Logan's reaction. "You know we love you a lot, right?"

"Of course I do." Logan said instantly. "You're my best friends." He sighed and dropped his gaze, stroking the soft fur of the puppy in his lap. "I just wish that people didn't look at me funny or. . . or laugh at me. I wish I could be normal so that you could all be happy again."

Tears filed Carlos' eyes but he didn't care that they were in the middle of the store with people all around them. "Logan, you're perfect just the way you are and we love you so much."

"But why don't other people like me?" Logan insisted, tears filling his eyes.

"Because. . ." Carlos struggled to find the right words. "Because they're not really people, Logie."

The tears were replaced by confusion. "What do you mean?" Logan asked. "How are they not real? Are they aliens?"

Carlos shook his head. "They're a kind of monster, Logan."

"I don't like monsters. They scare me. I thought you and Kendall and James said that monsters aren't real."

Frustration filled Carlos. The conversation was getting worse instead of better. "It's hard to explain, Logan. But. . . not everyone is a good and nice person. They're mean. They don't understand."

"I feel bad for them." Logan said abruptly. "Because I don't think mean people know how to love. Maybe because they never got loved." He shrugged then shot Carlos a quick glance. "So you like me even though I'm kind of messed up?"

"Two things," Carlos said as he scooted so close to Logan that their knees touched. "One, yes, we do love you for who you are and that will never change. I promise. Two, like I said before, you're absolutely perfect."

Logan smiled, the last traces of hurt disappearing from his eyes. "Nobody is perfect, Carlos. But I love you all too."

Carlos returned his smile and opened his mouth to say something else when his phone vibrated. "Hang on a second, Logie." He gently brushed away a curious puppy and pulled the phone from his pocket. It was Kendall's mom. "Hello?" he asked tentatively.

"Carlos, are you and Logan okay?"

She knew. Carlos couldn't help but feel slightly relieved. "We're okay," he said lightly. "We're in the pet store right now."

"Is that Kendall or James?" Logan asked, leaning over to try and listen in on the conversation.

"Carlos, do you have money for bus tickets?"

Why hadn't he thought of the bus before? They could go home and then eat lunch. He just needed a way to get Logan to leave without Kendall and James. "Yes," Carlos whispered. "I just. . . I don't know what to tell him."

Like all good mothers, Mrs. Knight sensed how truly upset Carlos was. "Okay, sweetie," her voice was soft and soothing. "Let me talk to him, okay?"

Carlos nodded even though she couldn't see him and mutely handed the phone over to Logan.

"Hi, Mommy!" Logan said cheerfully. "I heard you talking to Carlos so I knew it was you."

Carlos leaned forward and stared anxiously at Logan but to his relief, his best friend's mother seemed to have worked her motherly magic once again. He fumbled for the phone clumsily when Logan handed it back to him, looking completely unfazed. "Wanna head home and have some lunch?"

Logan nodded. "That's what my new mommy said we should do. She said that James and Kendall can't come right now but she and Katie are bringing them home soon." He bent his head and pressed a kiss to the soft fur of the puppy he had been holding for a while now. "I love you, Buddy." he whispered. I'll see you soon maybe, okay?"

"You named him?" Carlos felt his heart begin to sink all over again. He knew from personal experience that once you named something, you were bound to grow attached to it. Too attached.

Logan grinned. "Yup. I named him Buddy because that's what everyone who loves me calls me." He stood up and pulled Carlos to his feet. "Let's go so we can eat and see Kendall and James soon."

Carlos gave the women who had let them in one last smile. "Thanks a lot," he said gratefully. "He really loved that. Um," he glanced at Logan who was staring at a tiny bunny in a cage a few feet away. "Is anyone interested in. . . Buddy?"

"Nope, but we just got him today." The woman followed his gaze to look at Logan. "I could hold onto him for you for a little while if that would help. . . I mean, not for long but maybe a week."

"Perfect!" Carlos exclaimed. Christmas was in three weeks but he would figure something else out. "Thanks again!" He left to regrettably pull Logan away from the bunny. "Hey, Logan are you ready?"

"Yup," Logan said, walking backwards to stare at 'Buddy'.

Carlos sighed and wrapped an arm around Logan's shoulders, turning him around. "Let's go then. I'm beat."

"Who beat you, Carlos?" Logan asked, looking baffled by Carlos' word choice.

Carlos laughed. "It's just an expression, Logie. I meant that I'm hungry and tired."

_And so broken._

**A/N. This was angstier than it was supposed to be and shorter than it was supposed to be. But today was a really long day and I'm exhausted. I might be able to update tomorrow and get back to Kendall and James. I love you all!**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N. I love being able to write again. It's the most amazing feeling ever. I still don't own anything though.**

Kendall had been in the back of a police car before. Carlos' father was the chief of the police force back home in Minnesota and he used to give them rides for fun. Then there had been their first real ride after James' disastrous audition in front of Gustavo. The first few rides had been fun and the last Kendall felt that they deserved because they _had_ fought with the security guards. However, as they drove down the highway, Kendall could not help but feel that they should have been able to walk away without actually being arrested. He didn't care if they had gotten into a huge fight in public. The idiots who had made fun of Logan were asking for it. Why couldn't anyone else see that?

He heard a sniff beside him and turned to see that James' bravado was wearing off and he was very close to tears. Kendall sighed and reached out to touch his best friend's shoulder so he could get his attention. "James," he said softly. "Are you okay?" As soon as the question left his lips, Kendall felt like an idiot. There was no way that James was okay. None of them could possibly be okay right now.

Predictably, James shook his head. "No," he whispered. "We left Carlos and Logan all by themselves. I'm not worried about Logan because I know Carlos will take care of him. I'm worried about Carlos though because what's he going to say or do when Logan keeps asking him where we are and Kendall, how are they going to get home?"

They were best friends for a reason. Kendall had been thinking the same exact thing. He wanted to call his mom right away so she could help them all but the police had taken away their cell phones. Maybe if he tried to be polite, he could convince one of the officers sitting in the front seat to let him make a short call. He cleared his throat and leaned forward. "Excuse me?" he began tentatively.

"You can't make a call yet," the officer in the passenger seat said with an impatient sigh.

"Why not?" Kendall growled back, forgetting to at least try and stay calm. "Listen, you don't understand. Our best friends are back there with no way to get home. Logan is going to be upset when he realizes that James and I aren't going to be there anytime soon and Carlos is all alone with him. I just need to-"

"You can call someone when we get you to the station." the officer said firmly. "We need to get all of your statements in so we can try and make sense of this whole mess."

"Mess?" James repeated angrily. "They deserved what they got and so much worse. They were making fun of Logan. Those cold, heartless-"

"Look, kids." the driver of the car interrupted James. "I don't really know what happened but everything has to wait until we get to the station. The other boys are in the car right in front of us. They're in as much trouble as you right now. We'll figure things out as soon as possible and try to make things as less painful as possible. Until then, you're only hurting yourselves more by talking right now."

Kendall scowled darkly and sat back against the uncomfortable seat. He glanced at James who had done the same. At least his nose had stopped bleeding. Before Kendall had been able to pull the kid off of him, James had taken a few good punches. Kendall had never been able to handle the sight or smell of blood very well but he couldn't take his eyes off of James' once white t-shirt now stained with blood.

James caught Kendall staring at him and shrugged. "It's nothing," he said quietly. "I've had worse." It really was nothing. Every part of him ached painfully from the small but thorough beating he had endured but it was nothing compared to the constant ache in his heart. "I just want to get back to Logan and Carlos."

Kendall shared James' only wish but both of them knew that it was impossible at least for the time being. Fortunately, they could already see the police station up ahead. Kendall tensed as they pulled into the large parking lot, his eyes automatically finding the second cruiser. He watched as the two guys got out and smiled when he saw that they were obviously much worse off then James. His pleasure was short lived however when both boys turned to meet his gaze and _smirked_.

It was impossible to tell who had gotten out of the car first but because James was closer to them, he was first to tackle one of the boys to the ground, landing hard on the pavement. Kendall was nearly just as quick though and had the other boy in a headlock before he could even try to pull James away.

"Boys!" The officers were pulling them all apart before they could do too much damage. "Can we discuss this like adults now?"

"We could but we're two adults short," James snapped. "Actually, I think we're two human beings short."

The officer who was holding onto Kendall sighed and tightened his grip when James' remark was merely laughed off by the other two boys. "Let's go in," he muttered. "I'm assuming at least you two are under age so you'll need a parent or a guardian present before you give your statement."

Kendall frowned but looked at James and nodded. The sooner they cooperated, the sooner the police would justify their actions and let them go. Then they could get back to Carlos and Logan. Instead of getting his own cell phone back, Kendall was shown a phone at the station that he was apparently expected to use. He dialed his mother's cell phone number and waited.

"Hello?"

The tears came then. All the emotions, the fear, the anger, the frustration, the guilt, and the never ending grief hit Kendall when he heard his mother's voice. "M-mom?" he stammered out weakly, trying to sound as strong as possible. He felt James' hand on his shoulder and took a deep breath. "Mom, James and I need you to come to the police station."

"The police station?" She was obviously very shocked by his words but there was a gentle, understanding tone in her voice that Kendall was eternally grateful to hear. She didn't know the whole story and she was already trusting him by not freaking out. "Kendall, what happened? Is everyone okay? Where are Carlos and Logan if you and James are. . . are at the police station?"

Carlos and Logan. That was the only reason Kendall was furious at himself for losing his temper. He didn't regret fighting with the jerks at all but he regretted leaving his two younger friends, practically stranding them at the mall. "They're still at the mall. Mom, James and I got in a fight and. . . and we need you to come down to the station so we can give a statement or something like that. But-"

"I'll call Carlos right now. If he has money for a bus ride home, I'll come straight to the station. If not, then I'll take them home and then come for you and James okay? Don't cry, Kendall. I'm not mad at you at all. I know there's a perfectly good reason for why you're there right now. Are you and James hurt at all?"

"Um" Kendall glanced back at James. "James had a bloody nose but it looks better now." He watched James nod and then reached up to his own face to wipe away any remaining tears. "Ow."

"You have a black eye." James told him quietly.

"I have a black eye." Kendall repeated into the phone. "I didn't know until now. James just told me."

"Ask them for ice packs." Mrs. Knight ordered. "I'll be over as soon as I can. I love you both."

"Bye," Kendall hung up the phone and sighed, leaning up against the wall. "She said she'd be over as soon as possible but first she's going to make sure that Carlos and Logan can get home."

Before James could reply, an officer approached them. "Follow me, please." he instructed in a gruff tone. James rolled his eyes at Kendall and reluctantly followed the big man down the hall and into a holding cell. "Do the other guys get as good accommodations as we do?" he asked mockingly. "Kendall, if we have to stay here overnight, I call the bed."

Kendall started at James with his eyebrows raised. He turned and watched as the officer completely ignored his best friend and left them in their cell. "You don't really think we'll have to stay here overnight, do you James?"

James shook his head quickly. "No way. Think about it, Kendall. Those jerks had no right to say what they did about Logan. We were just protecting him. No one got really hurt. I think once your mom comes and we give out statements, we'll be able to head right home." He sounded perfectly confident but then he scowled. "Of course, I bet those jerks will get to go home right away too."

Kendall frowned. "It's not right," he muttered under his breath. "People shouldn't be able to treat others like that and get away with it. Our justice system is so screwed up."

"Welcome to America!" James said sarcastically. "I'm _not_ proud to be an American. I mean, I guess it's not any better anywhere else but I think America has the resources to be a better place. Instead, we're probably the worst when you think about what we could be." He sighed and sank down on the uncomfortable bed. "it's funny how I used to want to be just like every other idiot in Hollywood. I _was_ proud to be an American. I was the perfect example of an American. Shallow, selfish-"

"No way," Kendall sat down next to James and put an arm over his shoulders. "Yeah James, you were a little misguided at times but I would never compare you to any of the idiots you're talking about. When it came right down to it you were always one of the best friends anyone could ask for."

"Then why did any of this happen?" James asked, lowering his head into his hands.

"Because no one's perfect." Kendall said softly. He jumped slightly when he heard footsteps and he saw the large guard returning to their cell. "Is my mom here?" he asked feeling hope for the first time since they had first been brought in.

The man grunted what Kendall assumed was a yes and he opened the cell door, swinging it wide open so the boys could walk out. As soon as they started to walk back down the hallway, they exchanged grins because they could hear a very familiar and _very_ angry voice.

"What do you think you were doing by arresting them like that and locking them in a cell? They were just taking care of their friend. They're still just boys. Were they just supposed to stand there and let those sorry excuses for young men to walk all over my other son like that? Do you even expect me to punish them when we get home? I'm proud of them and if I ever find out who tried to hurt Logan like that then-"

"Mom!" Kendall called, hoping that they could just get out without anymore trouble. He was instantly taken up into a crushing hug and only let go so he could breath again and so he could watch her do the same to James.

"You didn't even think to give them ice packs!" she exclaimed once she had released James. "His nose could be broken for all you know and just look at my son's eye!"

"Ma'am," the chief said, suddenly full of respect. "We just need the boys to tel us what happened and then we can do something for them."

The look she gave them was frightening. "Ice packs now," she said firmly. Then, after thinking about it for a little while, "Please."

James and Kendall sat down and were soon handed ice packs. Kendall flinched as he held his up to the black eye he still hadn't even seen. "So, where are the other guys?" he asked sourly. "They're in for questioning too aren't they?"

"Yes well," his question was met with a wry smile. "We thought it might go better if we could keep the four of you apart."

"Too bad." James said under his breath. He straightened up from his slouched position and crossed his arms over his chest. "So what are we supposed to say?"

Right away, Kendall recognized the familiar habit of James' that always surfaced when he was edgy or uncomfortable. Vulnerable really. Kendall hated seeing James like that.

"Just tell me what happened." Fortunately, the chief seemed to be a little more understanding than he had been earlier. It was as if he sensed James' sudden mood change and was gentler with both of them. "I've already talked to the other young men and they claimed you attacked them first. Is that true?"

"Wait a minute," Kendall's mother held up a hand. "Does this mean that those other boys are gone? Because I don't know the whole story either but I know that my boys wouldn't attack them just for fun. There had to be a perfectly good explanation."

"The boys are in the back of the building," the chief replied calmly. "Now, what they said is that James attacked them first." His gaze slid over to James who was clearly losing his composure more and more as time went on.

"I _attacked_ them," James snapped mockingly, "Because they called my best friend a-" he stopped then and dug his fingernails into his palms, wincing slightly. "They called him a. . . a retard." He knew as soon as he spoke that there was no way that anyone could have heard his pathetic whisper. Before he could be asked to repeat himself he stood up and started yelling. "They called him a retard! They called my _best friend_ a _retard_! Then they said that he should be locked up! Logan would never hurt anyone! Everyone loves Logan and those freaks are totally blind if they can't see what a wonderful person he is."

"James-" Kendall stood too and put his hand on James' shoulder. "Sit down, bud." He had a terrible feeling where James' rant was going.

James shrugged off Kendall's hand and stepped away. "Logan doesn't deserve to be made fun of and he definitely doesn't deserve to be 'locked away'. You know who does deserve to be locked away? People like those. . . those monsters back there for not having hearts. They should be locked away so they can't hurt anyone. I should be locked away too. That way I couldn't hurt anyone either." Defeated now, he sat back down and slumped over.

"Oh, sweetie." Mrs. Knight was at James' side before Kendall could even more. She took him into her arms and rocked him back and forth as he fell apart, sobbing against her shoulder. "I thought you were getting past that. This was the last thing you needed."

Kendall glared at the chief who, to his credit, looked incredibly sorry. "Happy?" he asked quietly."i think you should also know that before any of that happened, they were _laughing _at Logan and I tried to hit them then but James held me back. He knew it would upset Logan. But then Carlos took Logan away and they. . . they said that thing so James let me go and tackled the one guy. I got up and started in on the other guy because he was really beating up on James and because of what he and his friend said about Logan. No one hurts my friends and gets away with it."

"I understand," the chief said with a sigh. "I'm sorry you had to deal with all of this." He handed a box of tissues to give to James once he regained his composure and stood up. "I'm going back to question the other boys again. I shouldn't be long and I'm sure you'll be able to go home soon. Why don't you grab a water bottle from the fridge in the cafeteria? It's right down the hall."

Kendall thanked him and followed him out of the room. The cafeteria was empty and he was quick to hurry back to the small room where James and his mother were waiting. James seemed to have recovered from the emotional storm that had hit him just minutes before. "Here," he said quietly as he sat back down with them.

James took the bottle gratefully and took a big drink. "Can we go home now?" he asked hopefully. "I just want to see Carlos and Logan again."

"Soon, James." Mrs. Knight assured him. As soon as she had spoken, the door opened and the chief walked back in. She protectively wrapped an arm around James' shoulders and gave him a gentle squeeze. Kendall was fine but she was worried about his friend. "Well?"

"They verified your story." The chief said. "They agreed that they're willing to just walk away I you are."

"Fine." Mrs. Knight said, standing up. "Even though they deserve much worse. Come on, boys. Let's go home."

Kendall sat in the back of the car with James, hoping he would talk more. But the twenty minute ride to the apartment was completely silent except for his mother telling them both how proud she was of them for standing up for Logan.

As soon as the car came to a stop, James was out of the car and hurrying up the stairs to their third story apartment. Kendall was right behind him. He swung open the door and was instantly met by Katie who held a finger to her lips.

"Kendall, they're in your room. Logan's asleep though so be quiet. After you see them come out and have lunch so you can tell me what happened. Carlos and I made mac and cheese."

Kendall hugged his little sister close to him and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Thanks, Katie. We'll be right out then as long as Carlos doesn't kill us."

They walked in quietly. Logan was indeed fast asleep, his head resting on Carlos' shoulder. Carlos appeared wide awake and exhausted at the same time. He looked up from his laptop when they walked in. "Hi," he said quietly so Logan wouldn't wake up. "Are you guys okay?"

James smiled and sat down next to him. "Better now that we're home." He carefully touched his nose, flinching slightly. "We're so sorry, Carlos. We never should have left you and Logan alone. Were _you _okay?"

Carlos nodded hesitantly. "Yeah, I think we were. It was a little scary at first but as long as Logan was okay, I was fine. Logan was fine. We looked at shoes and then went in the pet store for a while before we went home. Then Katie and I made lunch and he told her everything and then he went to sleep."

"You're amazing," Kendall shook his head. "I thought for sure you were going to be furious at us."

"No way," Carlos frowned. "I'm proud of you and I would have done the same thing too if Logan wasn't there. It all worked out." He smiled then. "We were a team. Just like the old days."

"That's right," Kendall laughed softly.

Logan stirred at the sound of Kendall's laugh and sat up with a huge smile when he saw his friends. "You're home!" he said happily.

"Logie," James said as he moved to the other side of the bed and hugged Logan. "Did you have a good time with Carlos?"

Logan nodded. "Yup. We saw shoes and puppies. What did you and Kendall do?" He reached up slowly and carefully touched James' nose and then looked at Kendall's black eye. "Did you get hurt?"

"A little bit, buddy." Kendall told him. "We're fine though."

Logan still frowned. "James gets hurt too much. Kendall, you shouldn't get hurt like him. I don't like it when my friends get hurt."

"We'll keep them safe." Carlos told him. "Won't we, Logan?"

The thought cheered Logan up a great deal. "Yup! Forever!"

"Sounds good to me," James said with a smile. "Try to get some more rest though, Logie. You had a really busy day. Kendall and I are probably going to eat some lunch then maybe we can play a game or something."

Logan yawned and nodded. "Okay. That sounds like a good plan 'cause I'm still a little sleepy. What game are we going to play?"

"Whatever game you want." Carlos said right away. He sat up and closed his laptop. "I'll be in the kitchen with Kendall and James okay, Logan? Call us if you need us."

"What were you looking at on your computer?" Kendall asked curiously after Logan had fallen back asleep and they were walking out to the kitchen.

Carlos bit his lip and shrugged. "Nothing much," he said lightly. "Just. . ."

"Carlos, you can tell us anything." Kendall told him firmly. "But if you really don't want to-"

"No, it's okay." Carlos interrupted. "It's okay." He sighed and sat at the counter. "I was looking to see if they sold any. . . any light-up shoes in Logan's size." he admitted in a rush. "Because he saw a little boy wearing them today and I know we're not supposed to spoil him but. . ." he shrugged. "He _loved_ them. His eyes just. . . lit up and when I told them we couldn't get them he was so disappointed."

Kendall smiled and nodded. "We understand, Carlos." he said gently. "So do they?"

Carlos grinned then. "Yup. I ordered a pair for Logan just in time for Christmas. Oh, and I think we need to get him a puppy. He fell in love with this yellow lab at the pet store. I'm going to try and see if I can get him. He named him 'Buddy' because that's what we call him and he knows we love him."

That brought a smile to James' face. "Logie," he said fondly.

"Can I pay you for the shoes if you're giving him a puppy?" Kendall asked, not even bothering to think of what his mother would think of a dog in the apartment. She wouldn't mind and it wasn't against the rules.

Carlos nodded, looking satisfied with the plan. James observed them and then laughed. "Cool." he said. "Because my parents and I were talking the other day and. . . let's just say that I have a present already. For all of you."

"What is it?" Carlos asked, giving into the childlike innocence that once defined him.

James looked indecisive for a brief moment and then shook his head. "I think you're going to have to wait, Carlitos." he said with a laugh. "Don't worry. Christmas is coming."

**A/N. I hope the ending wasn't rushed but I'm sick and tired for a change lol. Besides, my mom was like, "GO TO BED." lol. I shall obey her since she doesn't get embarrassed when I dance in public with her hahaha. Review? I LOVE YOU ALL!**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N. I am having a lazy day today. Ironically, it's more relaxing than my "vacation" earlier this week lol. I don't own anything by the way.**

"Why can't I come with you?" Logan asked as he watched his friends pull on their shoes and coats. "I came with you last time."

James winced at the memory and tried to smile for Logan. "Buddy, you can't come today because we're buying presents for _you_." he told his friend, hoping the words would chase away the sadness in Logan's eyes. "We won't be gone for too long and when we come home we can-"

"What if I promise that I won't look at what you buy me?" Logan asked hopefully. "I'll hide my eyes like this." He quickly displayed his idea by covering his eyes with both his hands and attempting to walk forward.

Carlos was quick to step forward and stop Logan from crashing into anything. "Careful, Logie." he said quietly. "You don't want to get hurt right before Christmas, do you?"

Logan took his hands away and looked at Carlos. "I don't want to get hurt at all," he said seriously. "It's no fun, right James?"

"Right, Logan." James sighed and bent to tighten the knot on his shoe. "Anyway, why don't you stay here with Mama Knight and Katie and bake some Christmas cookies for us to eat when we get back?" He had hoped to make the idea of staying home in the apartment sound more appealing but he could tell right away that it didn't work.

"Because I want to come with you!" Logan exclaimed, his eyes filling with tears. "Don't you want me to come with you?"

Kendall bit his lip. "Of course we do, Logan." he said, hating the sight of tears. "But we just can't take you with us today." He desperately searched his mind for an explanation that would sound better and make Logan happier. "But hey, don't you want to spend time with Mom and Katie?"

At the mention of Mrs. Knight and Katie, Logan brightened a little bit. "I do," he said with a sigh. "I want to be with everyone though."

"You will," Kendall promised. "After Carlos, James, and I are done shopping, we'll come straight home and we can all be together. How does that sound?"

"Um," Logan gave Kendall's words some thought before he looked back up with a content smile. "Okay, but don't take too long," he warned them. "We'll miss you."

Kendall smiled too and brought Logan into his arms. "We'll miss you too, Logan." he whispered. "So we'll do our best to hurry back, okay?" He released his friend and stepped away. "Don't worry though." he added comfortingly. "You'll be so busy decorating and baking that you won't even realize that we're gone."

"Yes I will," Logan contradicted him. "I'll know because I'll see you all leave. But it's okay now because you won't be gone long and hopefully I'll have fun with our mommy and Katie. Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?"

"Apparently," James said with a smile. "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" He took Kendall's place and hugged Logan closely. It was only a quick embrace and then he let him go so Carlos could take his turn. With a heavy sigh, James turned and headed for the door.

"We'll be back in a little while, Mom." Kendall said as they walked past the kitchen area.

"All right, be careful, boys!" Mrs. Knight called after them. She shared a smile with Katie and turned her attention to Logan who was staring at the closed door with a forlorn expression on his face. "Sweetheart, come here."

Logan sighed and walked slowly away from the door and into the kitchen where he sat at the kitchen table. "I miss them already," he said sadly. "And I'm worried about James because he's scared to be in cars and I can't take care of him right now."

"Kendall and Carlos will take good care of him, Logan." Katie said confidently. "They're great protectors. James will be fine, you'll see."

Logan nodded. "You're right," he said, loyal to praise his best friends whenever the opportunity presented itself. "So what are we doing first?"

"Well," Mrs. Knight smiled at Katie and then handed to two of them a recipe book. "Why don't you find me the recipe for sugar cookies and we can get started on them first? Then when they're baking, we'll do some decorating. How does that sound?"

"Perfect!" Logan declared, rapidly flipping through the pages. "Katie, can you find the right page for me, please?"

Katie blinked back the tears that sprang to her eyes at Logan's request and nodded as she took the book from Logan. "Sure," she said as cheerfully as possible. "Here, I'll show you something cool." As she spoke, she flipped to the back of the book and pointed to a page. "This is called an index, Logan. Once you know how to read really well, you can look up whatever you need to find and it'll probably be here. So, do you know how we would find sugar cookies here?"

"Sugar cookies," Logan repeated slowly. "Sugar begins with the letter S, right? So, we look where all of the S letter words are." He glanced at her uncertainly. "Right?"

"Right!" Katie praised him. She flipped over a few more pages. "Okay, here is the S column. Now, what comes after the S in sugar?"

Logan pressed his lips together in deep concentration. "Sugar," he said again, even slower than before as he tried to sound out each letter. "U?" he finally guessed.

Katie reached out for a high-five which she received with great enthusiasm. "Right again!" she told him. "Okay, so since U is near the end of the alphabet, we'll probably find sugar cookies near the end of the S column."

Logan nodded and kept his gaze trained on the column as he moved his finger steadily down the line of words. He repeated the words over and over again in a soft voice to himself and then stopped to look up at Katie, his finger resting under his guess. "Is this right?"

Katie leaned forward so she could see around Logan's arm. "Yes! Awesome job, Logan!" She turned around to see Mrs. Knight watching them with a proud smile on her face. "Mom, Logan found it for you. What page, Logan?"

"Uh," Logan trailed his finger across the page. "68." he said and then flipped to the indicated page. "Right here."

"Very good job, Logan." Mrs. Knight told him as she leaned over to look. "That's exactly what I need. Now, let's see. What's the first ingredient that we have to put in the mixing bowl?"

"Flour." Logan said right away, reading the short word with ease. "Can I do it?"

"Yes, Logan." Mrs. Knight said as she took the bag of flour from the cabinet. "But you have to be careful."

Logan stood up quickly from his seat at the table and hurried over to the counter. "I'm always careful," he told her. "Everyone is always telling me to be careful so I try my best." As he spoke, he leaned forward and succeeded in knocking over the very full and wide open bag of flour. The heavy package fell to the floor, landing upside down and creating a white fog all over the room.

"Oh no!" Logan wailed in great distress when the flour fog finally cleared away. He knelt clumsily to the floor and tried to wipe the mess up, only making it worse and covering himself in the white dust. "I'm sorry, Mommy! I didn't mean too!"

"Katie, can you go get the vacuum cleaner please? I bought a new one and I think I left it out in the van. You'll be okay, right?"

"I'll be fine, Mom." Katie said quickly, watching Logan in concern. But she only hesitated for a brief moment before turning to leave the kitchen and grab her jacket so she could go outside and obey her mother. Logan was in good hands.

"Logan," Mrs. Knight said gently as she joined Logan on the floor. "Don't cry, Logan. I'm not mad at you. Not at all."

"But I," Logan sniffed. "I made a real big mess." He reached up to wipe his tears away and smeared his face with flour. "You told me to be careful and I wasn't. Not really."

Mrs. Knight stood up and ran a clean washcloth under warm under from the sink. Then she sat back down on the floor in front of Logan. "Listen to me, Logan." she said softly. "It was an accident. No one got hurt and nothing broke. It won't take too long at all to clean up."

Logan jerked away as she tried to wipe his face with the washcloth. "But how are we going to make cookies now?" he asked, picking up the bag and letting whatever flour that was left inside fall onto the floor. "Why do I always have to mess everything up?" he asked.

She stopped trying to clean his face and looked at him. "Logan, what do you mean?" she asked quietly.

Huge tears rolled down Logan's face and made tracks in the flour. "I always mess up," he repeated in an anguished voice. "'Cause I'm so different. If I was normal, then I wouldn't be making people cry or making big messes like this one." He lowered his head and nodded dejectedly to the pile of flour. "Why am I so different?"

"Logan, right now the only difference between you and me is that you're covered in flour and I'm not," Mrs. Knight said fondly.

"No!" Logan argued stubbornly. "Those mean boys who hurt Kendall and James at the mall said that I didn't belong. They said that I should be locked up because I'm so different!" His troubled expression took on a look of defiance when he realized that she wanted to protest. "I know that's what they said," he added quietly. "I heard Kendall and James and Carlos talking about it."

"Logan," tears rolled down Mrs. Knight's face to match those of her son's. "Listen to me, sweetie. Never think for even a second that what those boys said is true. They don't know how incredible you are and that all of us are the same on the outside. It's what's on the inside that counts."

Logan crossed his arms and moved further away from her until his back was against the counter. "But I'm different on the inside and the outside." he complained. "I told Carlos that I didn't really mind being different because you all love me but I do mind. I think it would hurt a lot less if I was more like everyone else."

"Logan, when I look at you, do you know what I see?"

Puzzled by her question, Logan didn't try to move away when Mrs. Knight again approached him. "No," he said in a whisper. "What do you see?"

He was so absorbed in waiting for her answer that he didn't bother to protest it when the washcloth moved gently over his eyes. "I see two eyes just like mine." she said softly. "And I see. . . a nose. . . somewhere under all this flour." She smiled when a small laugh escaped Logan as she tapped his nose free of powder. "Oh, and see? We both have two ears!"

"That tickles!" Logan ducked her touch and laughed even harder.

She smiled, glad to see the carefree attitude once again. "What else?" she asked, pretending to think really hard.

Logan glanced down and then looked back up at her. "Two hands?" he ventured a guess holding both of his palms out for inspection.

"That's right." Their palms touched briefly before she curled her fingers around his and then pulled him close to her in a hug. "See? And that's only on the outside."

"But what about on the inside?" Logan asked.

"Close your eyes," she told him and smiled when he obeyed her without a single protest. "Don't think about what you see because that can cloud your judgment sometimes." She released one of his hands and held it against the left side of his chest. "What do you feel?"

"My heart," Logan replied right away.

Without replying she took his other hand and laid it over her own heart. "What about now?"

"Your heart." His face lit up. "They're the same!"

"That's right." Again, she pulled him into a close embrace. "We're the same inside and out but what really counts is what's in your heart, Logan. Some people just can't see that."

The door opened and Katie appeared dragging a box that was about the size of her. She was quiet though, observing carefully. When she was back in the apartment, she closed the door and leaned the box against the wall and then walked into the kitchen where she sat on the floor with her family. "Hi," she whispered when Logan looked at her with a smile.

"Mommy and I were talking about being different," Logan told her. "Did you know that lots of people can't see that? I think it's because they never closed their eyes and felt their heart beat. That's what I did and now I know."

"Good," Katie smiled and then handed Logan a plastic bag she had brought with her. "Look what I got from Mrs. Jensen across the hall."

Logan took the bag and looked inside eagerly. "Look, Mommy!" He proclaimed, carefully lifting out the lone object. "More flour! Now we can bake cookies for everybody!" He stood up, the flour from his clothes, cascading to the floor when he tried clumsily to brush himself off. "But first we have to clean up, huh?"

"Why don't you get changed and I'll clean up?" Mrs. Knight suggested as she stood up and pressed a kiss to Logan's forehead. "Sound like a good plan?"

"The best," Logan told her. "I love you and Katie a whole lot."

"We love you too, Logan." Katie said with tears in her eyes. "Just the way you are."

**A/N. So I totally stole a scene from 'Tarzan' which is one of the best movies ever and Phil Collins is retired now so he should just write songs for Disney, okay? Okay.**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N. I don't like this chapter. I don't own anything.**

James sighed and tried to hide his smile. "Logan," he began. "You have to at least try and get some sleep tonight. I know you're excited but the time will seem like it goes by faster if you're asleep. Besides, you don't want to be tired and grumpy tomorrow, do you?"

"But, James!" Logan protested. "I don't want to go to bed! I'm too excited! Can't we just open our presents now? I wanna see what you and Kendall and Carlos got me and I want to give you all my presents too!"

"Logan, if we open presents now, what are we going to do tomorrow?" James grinned then, sure that he had Logan.

But Logan only considered James' question for a few seconds before looking up triumphantly. "Play with our presents!" he declared. "Can we do that, James? Please?"

James glanced at the clock on the wall. It was already well past ten at night and Logan showed no signs of sleepiness. "Tell you what," he began, instantly catching Logan's attention. "How about if you open one present tonight and we'll save the rest for tomorrow? Does that sound better?"

Logan brightened and nodded. "That's a great idea, James!" he said happily. "What present can I open tonight?"

"Let's see," James searched through the small pile of presents under the tree. "How about this one? It's from me and my mom and dad. They can't be here tonight or tomorrow because they couldn't get a flight but maybe the day after. I don't think they'll mind though."

"Hey," Kendall greeted them as he and Carlos walked in. "How are two of my best buddies?" He grinned at James. "Are you guys cheating and opening the presents before tomorrow?"

Logan was staring at James gravely though. "Why can't your mommy and daddy be here tomorrow?" he asked sadly. "I thought they weren't mad at me anymore."

James felt Kendall's hand on his shoulder and blinked away the tears in his eyes. "Logan," he said after clearing his throat. "They were never mad at you and they're really sad that they can't be here with you tomorrow. But they need to fly here and they couldn't get on a plane in time. It's snowing a lot in Minnesota right now and all the planes have to sit and wait until they can fly."

"But James," Logan persisted. "Why can't they fly with Santa and his reindeer? Rudolph has a magical nose so they can fly in the snow. Then they can be here when we wake up!"

"It doesn't work that way, Logan." James said at a loss for a better explanation. "They'll be here as soon as they can though and they said they'll call and say 'Merry Christmas' to everyone tomorrow. Okay?"

Logan nodded but still looked unhappy. "I'm sorry you can't see your mommy and daddy on Christmas, Jamie. That sucks."

James couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, it kinda does suck." he agreed. "But I have you guys," he shifted closer to Logan and wrapped an arm across his shoulders, pulling him into a one armed hug. "I'll be okay."

Logan rested his head on James' shoulder and then took the wrap package from his hands. "Is it really okay if I open this tonight?" he asked hopefully.

Carlos spoke for the first time then. "I think it's a great idea. I used to do the same thing with my little sisters back in Minnesota." He said the last part quietly, hoping it wouldn't bother James. His family had been fortunate enough to get an earlier flight to LA. They would be with them the next morning. It seemed so wrong because now that James had finally mended his broken relationship with his parents, they couldn't be together on Christmas Day.

"Do we all get to open one?" Logan asked, oblivious to the distress of the others that they kept well hidden.

James glanced at Kendall and Carlos and then shook his head. "Nope. Just you for now. Here," he taped the package to bring it to Logan's attention. "How about after you open it you can call my mom and dad?"

Logan nodded enthusiastically and ripped off the paper, throwing it carelessly to the side where James was quick to pick it up. "Oh, wow!" he said happily. "Look!"

Kendall laughed and looked at James. "Was this for Logan or for you?" he teased gently. James had always loved Christmas movies and the DVD with the collection of their favorite childhood selections could have easily been for him.

James returned his smile and shrugged. "Works both ways doesn't it?" he asked lightly. "All right, Logan," he said looking back at Logan. "Wanna call my mom and dad and then call it a night?"

Carlos smirked. "That was a bad gift to give on Christmas Eve," he said wisely. "Especially so late at night."

Before Kendall or James could question Carlos' statement, Logan spoke up. "James," he said slowly. "I wanna call your mommy and daddy and say thank you and talk to them because I bet they're lonely and they probably miss you. But. . ."

"Yeah, Logie?" James asked, sensing Logan's hesitation.

"Jamie, can we _please _watch this movie before we go to bed?"

He really shouldn't have been all that surprised. James stared at Logan, trying to come up with a quick answer. Logan," he choked out, obviously failing. "You. . . we can't watch all of this tonight. It's more than one movie, buddy. It's like. . . twelve."

Logan's hopeful expression didn't waver. "Can we watch one or two or three or four then? I know! How about we all pick one? Please? I'm not even tired."

James bit his lip and tried what had always worked for him. "What about Santa?"

Of course it didn't work with Logan because Logan had an argument for everything. "Maybe we'll see him then!" he said brightly.

"Logan," Carlos slid off the couch and moved so that he was sitting right in front of Logan. "We have to let Santa stay hidden from us. He'll be really busy tonight and if he sees us he might distracted from his job. So we just have to leave him cookies and a note and go to bed soon. But," he added when he saw Logan's disappointment. "We can watch some movies first."

"Let's watch James' favorite movie first since his mommy and daddy can't be here." Logan said right away. "Jamie, what's your favorite Christmas movie?"

"Um," James glanced at the case and smiled. "This one. _Rudolph_. Go sit down on the couch, guys. I'll set it up."

"I have an idea!" Logan said. "I wanna sit next to whoever's favorite movie we are watching. So this time I sit next to James, okay?" He glanced somewhat apologetically at Kendall and Carlos. "That's okay, right?"

"Of course," Carlos said as Kendall nodded in agreement.

James smiled and returned to the couch where he pulled Logan close to him. "All right," he said, forgetting for the moment all of his troubles in the magic of Christmas. "Let's watch some movies."

Of course, no one was very surprised when Logan fell fast asleep halfway through the first movie. He leaned heavily on James with a content smile on his face. James turned the TV off and then carefully sat up so he wouldn't disturb Logan. He smiled at Kendall and Carlos and then slowly picked Logan up into his arms, only pausing briefly to wonder at how easy it was to carry his best friend.

Kendall and Carlos followed him quietly into the bedroom and watched. Kendall watched as James sat down on the edge of the bed and laid Logan down, pulling the covers up. "I wish his parents could see this," he whispered quietly to Carlos.

James wouldn't have heard him if he had spoken louder. He was completely absorbed in making sure that Logan would be comfortable. As he leaned in close to adjust the pillow so that it was the way Logan liked it best, Logan stirred and he froze, hoping he would stay asleep.

"I. . ." Logan sighed, his hand finding James' and gripping it tightly. "I'm a misfit."

Tears flooded James' eyes, surprising Kendall and Carlos because they hadn't heard Logan. He ignored them and leaned even closer to Logan, whispering in his ear. "You fit in perfectly with the rest of us, Logie." He laid down on the bed then and wrapped one arm around Logan, pulling him close. Silent tears fell, soaking the pillow underneath but he didn't care.

Out of the corner of his eye, James saw a shooting star cross over the night sky out the window and he closed his eyes and made a wish deep within himself that Logan would have nothing but the best life had to offer him because he certainly deserved nothing less.

* * *

James felt like he had just closed his eyes when he felt someone shaking him. "James!" called a voiced excitedly. "James, wake up! Come on, it's Christmas! You have to wake up so we can open all of our presents!"

He felt like he was dreaming when he opened his eyes because it was still dark outside the window. "Logan?" he groaned sleepily. "What are you doing up? It's not time to get up yet. Wake me up again tomorrow, okay?"

"But then it won't be Christmas!" Logan exclaimed with a sigh. "It's Christmas now, James! Wake up, please?"

"Logan, it's not morning." James flinched when the light suddenly turned on in the room and pierced through the darkness. He hurriedly pulled the pillow over his face and started to turn over again.

"James, it's 5:30 am!" Logan said so close to his ear that James jumped and fell out of the bed, landing hard on the floor. "That makes it morning!" He landed with a thump next to James and started tugging on his arm.

Through his fog of sleepiness James heard Kendall and Carlos laughing softly. He propped himself up on his elbows and threw a pillow towards the sound, feeling a little satisfied when his well-aimed missile found someone's face. "Okay, okay, I'm getting up."

"Yes!" Logan cheered and jumped to his feet, hauling James up as well. "Okay, he's up!" he declared, turning to Kendall and Carlos. "Can we go now?"

Kendall yawned and then nodded. "Sure, Logie. Let's go." He tossed James' pillow back at him and hurried after Logan who was already headed to the family room where the tree waited. "Hi," he said softly, greeting his mother and Katie who had already been awakened.

"Morning, Kendall." Mrs. Knight smiled at Katie and Logan who were already peaking into their stockings. "Everything all right in there?" she asked nodding to the room where the boys had slept.

"Logan pushed me out of bed." James mumbled as he and Carlos staggered into the room. He grinned sleepily and sat down next to Logan, watching him. "Hey," he said, catching Logan's attention by nudging him gently with his elbow. "Merry Christmas, buddy."

Logan looked up. "Oh!" he said so loudly that Katie dropped the fancy bar of soap she had just pulled from her stocking. "Merry Christmas, everybody!" He then resumed the unpacking of his own stocking, eyes growing impossibly wider with each item he pulled out.

James sorted through his stocking distractedly while keeping his gaze on Logan. He kept waiting for the ache in his chest to start up like it did every morning. He kept waiting for his heart to break all over again and for the wound to throb like it always did. But so far he felt nothing but peace.

"I can't believe it!" Logan said, breaking up James' quiet thoughts. "So many presents already and it's not even six in the morning!" He had put everything back in his stocking but soon turned it upside down and let the contents spill out on the floor. "Look!"

"Whoa," James said quietly, still lost in thought as he wondered where the calming peace had come from. Watching Logan as he examined each small gift with the same wonder should have been a painful experience. At least that's what James had thought. Now, he wasn't sure what to believe.

"Hey," Logan said suddenly. "Can I give you all my presents now?" He didn't wait for a reply and discarded his stocking in James' lap to start distributing his gifts. "I made a card for everyone and then I got them something else," he explained shyly.

James watched as Katie opened a box of crayons and listened as Logan told her that they could now color together. He watched Mrs. Knight open a vegan cooking book and listened as Logan told her that he liked the yummy looking brownies on the cover. The brownies that James was sure were quite different from the ones Logan was used to.

"Kendall's turn!" Logan said happily.

Kendall smiled and took the card from Logan first, noticing right away that his name was spelled with one L. It was a lot like James' get-well card except instead of bunnies and puppies and rainbows, the page was decorated with Santas and reindeer and elves and snowmen. "Great job, Logan." he praised as Logan took the card away and shoved a small wrapped package into his hands.

"I like this better." Logan told him. "Open it!"

Kendall tore a the corner off and then carefully pulled away the rest of the paper to reveal a _Spiderman _DVD. "Wow, Logan." he said, hugging Logan close. "This is my favorite movie! Thanks!"

"I know it's your favorite movie." Logan told him. "Carlos told me. He also told me that you lost your old movie. So I got you this one. I was thinking that we could maybe watch it together. Just you and me?"

"Sure," Kendall nodded. "Just the brothers. Sound good?"

Logan grinned and then nodded before giving Kendall a quick hug and then crossing the room to where Carlos was sitting. "Your turn! Open it fast and not slow like Kendall did. That's no fun."

Carlos laughed but took time to admire his card before complying with Logan's wish. "But can't I admire this great card first? I really love it and I can't imagine how anything could-" He was cut off by Logan shoving a box at him. "Okay, okay." he laughed. But his laughter was cut short when he saw what was in the box. "Oh, Logie."

"Because you gave me your old one," Logan scrambled to his feet and went to get his helmet from the bedroom. "I got you stickers too just in case you wanted to decorate it a little. I could help if you want me to." He bit his lip when Carlos didn't answer him right away. "Do you like it, Carlos? 'Cause if you don't. . . if you like your old helmet better then-"

"No way, Logan." Carlos finally found words. "I love this, I really do. It's. . . it's great." He hurriedly placed the new helmet on his head and put on a convincing grin for Logan. "See? Perfect fit too. We can be helmet buddies now. Won't that be awesome?"

James watched, confused. Kendall and Carlos were both practically in tears over their gifts. Mrs. Knight and Katie were too. But James didn't feel any of the pain that he had grown accustomed to. Not yet. He was still waiting for it because there was no way that the peace would last for very long. Any minute now, the tears would come and he wouldn't be sitting on the floor looking emotionless. He didn't feel emotionless though. He just didn't feel sad and that wasn't something he was used to.

"Here, James." Logan slid over to him and handed him a wrinkled card. "I'm sorry it's a little messy," he apologized. "I was coloring it at night with a flashlight but Kendall woke up so I had to hide it under my pillow and then I fell asleep and it got crinkled." He took a deep breath and smiled. "I didn't think you would mind though. Do you?"

James smiled and shook his head. "Not at all, Logan. Thanks a lot. I'll keep it right with my other card, okay?" He paused, waiting for the pain to strike. Nothing. Maybe, just maybe it wouldn't come today. After all, it was Christmas.

"James! I have another present for you!" Logan called. He frowned when he saw how absorbed James was in the simple, homemade card. "That's the stupid half of my present that I don't like very much. I like this one better." He held up a gift bag and grinned.

"Logan," James said, jerking out of his thoughts. "This isn't stupid at all. Did you make it all by yourself?"

"Uh-huh," Logan nodded proudly. "Is it okay or did I mess it up?"

James' eyes automatically flickered over to Kendall's card and the one L in his friend's name. "No," he said softly. "It's absolutely perfect. Thank you."

Logan sighed. "Well, you're welcome but now can I please give you this present?" He handed the bag to James and sat back to watch.

The room had gone quiet and all eyes were on James as he slowly removed the wad of tissue paper that Logan had stuffed inside the bag. His fingers came in contact with something soft and he froze, immediately knowing. "Logan," he said slowly. "I can't take this."

Logan misunderstood him. "You mean you don't want Moosey?" he asked in a hurt tone.

James held the stuffed animal in his hands and struggled to figure out how he was supposed to answer Logan. "I just . . . I love him, Logan. But I love you more and you. . . he's special to you." He laid Moosey aside and pulled Logan into a gentle hug.

"But you're special to me too," Logan insisted stubbornly. "More special than Moosey even. Anyway," he squirmed out of James' embrace and handed him the moose. "You need him more than I do."

**A/N. I don't know what happened. I was so inspired last night and earlier today and then I sat down to write this chapter and all of that inspiration was gone. Also, this was supposed to be a lot longer but I think I'll split it up. I'll try again soon. Sorry for the sorry excuse that this chapter is lol.**


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N. Christmas continues. In April. Better than 'Little Hollow'. I'm pretty sure that was in July. Anyway, I still don't own anything.**

"Please, James?" Logan asked. "I really want you to have him. I know you'll take real good care of him just like you take real good care of me."

There. James had been stupid to think the peace would last. The pain was back with a vengeance, clawing its way to the surface, ripping at his heart. He winced and touched his hand to his chest very briefly, his fingers lingering over his heart. It was like it had never left. He didn't take good care of Logan. All anyone had to do was look at him and know that James had screwed up and ruined Logan's life. That wasn't taking care of him.

"James?" The pleading in Logan's voice had died down and he looked only concerned. "Are you okay, James?" When he didn't receive an answer right away, he reached out and carefully touched his friend on the shoulder. "Do you need a hug?"

He didn't to cry. Not on Christmas. But he wanted life to be normal again. He wanted Logan to be okay again. He wanted his parents too. He could have none of these things though and the longing that could never be satisfied brought tears to James' eyes and Logan's concern made them overflow. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to stop the flow of tears before Logan could get too upset but the attempt was useless. "Sorry," he muttered shamefully as he dragged a sleeve over his eyes.

"See?" Logan pointed out. "Moosey will make you feel better." He lifted the stuffed animal and held it out for James to take. "He's good at holding tears."

James nodded and took Moosey from Logan but then wrapped one arm around his smaller friend. "Thanks, buddy. This means a lot to me."

"And he'll always keep you company," Logan told him confidently as he leaned over and stroked the fur lovingly. "Even if you're all alone."

James glanced up without even thinking to meet Kendall's gaze, not surprised at all when he saw a flash of anger replace the sadness in the green eyes. He felt the same way and he couldn't help but wonder how Ryan Mitchell might treat Logan if he hadn't died three years ago. Then he wondered how if Logan had any clear memories of his father's abandonment. He didn't know what to think after that. He never knew what to think anymore.

"Logan, you're never alone." Kendall said softly. "Anyway, now that we've opened our presents, I think you should open some of your presents. How does that sound?"

James smiled and brushed away the remaining tears. "Kendall just wants to see what I got you," he teased. But despite the pain that lingered, he couldn't help but feel a little excited at the prospect of giving everyone his gift. It had taken a lot of work to convince his parents to let him spend the money but James was absolutely convinced that his friends were well worth it. "Too bad though. I'm saving mine for last."

Kendall rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Jerk," he muttered with a grin. "Fine then." He stood up and pulled a box from underneath the tree. "Here ya go, Logan." He sat down crossed legged on the floor and rested his chin in his hands as he watched Logan. "This is from me. Carlos helped me though so you have to thank him too."

Logan eagerly tore away the paper and lifted the box. His eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped open. "But. . ." he glanced up at Kendall. "But Carlos said that they don't sell these shoes in my size!" He turned the box upside down and let the pair of light-up sneakers fall out. "Do you think they fit?"

Kendall chuckled quietly. "I hope so. Want to try them? I even got them with Velcro straps because. . . because I know you're having a lot of trouble with the laces." He watched Logan pull them on and wondered at the ease with which he had spoken those last words.

"They fit!" Logan said in delight, showing off his new shoes by standing up and walking around the room. "Look at them light up!" He stopped only to throw his arms around Kendall and hug him tightly. "I love them so much!" he exclaimed.

"I'm glad, Logan." Kendall smiled. "Hey, remember, you have to thank Carlos too."

"It was not-" Carlos was cut off when Logan practically tackled him into a hug.

"You told him, didn't you?" Logan guessed. "You told Kendall about how I liked those shoes."

Carlos laughed then and returned Logan's hug. "Yeah, I admit it. They look great on you." He sat back and surveyed his friend with tear filled eyes. Everything Logan did and said brought back memories of his childhood and it all hurt so much.

"Well?" Logan finally stopped walking around in circles and sat back down.

"Well what, Logan?" Carlos feigned ignorance.

Logan blushed and looked embarrassed. "Do I . . . do I get another present?"

Carlos looked at Kendall and James who both grinned and nodded. "Yup. I think you'll like my present. I'll be right back." He stood up and started to leave the room but paused. "Logan, close your eyes, okay? Keep them closed. No peaking."

James leaned forward and laid his hands carefully over Logan's eyes when Logan continued to stare after Carlos. "It's a surprise," he said with a small laugh when Logan tried to squirm away. "Don't worry, you don't have to wait long." He met Kendall's gaze and shook his head. "I can't believe when kept this secret for so long anyway."

"One very long week," Mrs. Knight smiled and rolled her eyes.

Carlos emerged from the bedroom where he and James had been staying, a small yellow ball of fur cradled carefully in his arms. He sank down to the floor on his knees directly in front of Logan and placed the puppy on his lap then sat back on his heels and waited.

He didn't have to wait long. Logan started at the unexpected feel of something furry and alive being placed in his arms. James slowly removed his hands from his eyes and Logan looked down. "Buddy!" he cried out in delight. "It's Buddy!" He gently lifted the puppy with both hands and held it close to his face. "Buddy!"

The puppy blinked sleepily at him, it's pink tongue darting out to touch Logan's nose in a kiss. Logan giggled as the wet tongue tickled him. "I missed you, Buddy." he murmured, his voice softer now as he buried his face in the fur.

"I think he missed you too." Carlos spoke around the lump that had risen once again in his throat. "James and I have been keeping him in our room for a week now. That's why we've been saying you couldn't come in."

Logan looked impressed. "Wow, you guys are really good at keeping secrets! I would have told." He kissed Buddy on the top of his head and looked up. "Was he good for you? Because I still need to teach him, right?"

"He was real good." Carlos replied, holding out his hand for the puppy to sniff. "But yeah, you still need to teach him lots of things. We'll all help you, how does that sound?"

"Awesome," Logan declared. He suddenly deposited Buddy in Kendall's arms and leaned forward to hug Carlos. "Thanks a whole lot, Carlos. I really love him already and it makes me so happy that I can keep him for always. But I love you even more because you're my best friend and you make me even happier than he does."

"We love you too, Logie," Carlos whispered, holding him tightly. "And you make us really happy too."

Logan smiled happily and took Buddy back from Kendall. "That's pretty neat the way that works," he said wisely. "We make each other happy."

"You got it, buddy." Kendall said softly.

Logan laughed and looked down at his puppy. "I hope Buddy doesn't get confused when you call me that," he said with a smile. "What if you told me to come eat dinner and called me buddy and then this Buddy came to the table?"

Kendall's laugh was forced but Logan bought it. "That would be pretty crazy, wouldn't it? You'll have to teach him to leave our food alone. Too much people food can make him sick you know. Especially when he's still so little."

"I know," Logan said seriously. "I'll take real good care of him though."

"We know you will." Kendall smiled and then glanced up at James. "Well?"

James smiled when he saw Carlos and Logan look up at Kendall's words. For once all three of his best friends had that same sparkle of curiosity in their eyes. It was so close to old times that it was painful and wonderful to see all at the same time. "Okay," he said with a dramatic sigh. "I'll be right back."

He entered his and Carlos' room and slid open the top drawer in his dresser, reaching far towards the pack. His fingers closed around the envelope and he pulled it out. Out of nervous habit, he checked to make sure the contents were still inside and then he left the room to return to everyone else. "Who wants to open it?" he joked, waving the envelope in the air.

"Oooh me!" Logan said eagerly. "Can I open it, James? Please?"

"It's not that much fun to open," James warned as he handed over the present. "But sure, here you go."

"Thank you," Logan said before once again handing Buddy off to Kendall so he could concentrate on another task. He opened the envelope and slid out four slips of paper, his brow furrowing in confusion. "James," he said slowly, hope creeping into his voice. "Are we going to Disneyland?"

Kendall's mouth fell open and he juggled Buddy so he could lean over and stare at the papers that Logan was holding. "No way," he said in disbelief.

"Seriously?" Carlos asked, crowding around so he could see too.

"Look," Logan pointed out the colorful image. "Isn't that Mickey Mouse? And it _says_ Disneyland too. I can read it!" He looked up proudly. "I read it all by myself with no help."

"Great job, Logan." James praised him and gave him a high-five. He glanced at Kendall and Carlos in amusement.

"James," Kendall carefully took one of the tickets from Logan. "Is this real?" He saw the hurt leap into James' eyes and hastily backtracked. "I mean-"

"It's okay." James interrupted with a soft laugh. "I understand." He did. "But yes, it's real. My parents helped me a lot though." He decided not to mention that his parents' "help" had come from them letting him take money out of his college fund. That wasn't important.

"We're going to Disneyland!" Logan exclaimed happily. "When, James?"

"New Year's Eve and New Year's Day." James pointed out the dates. "That way we can see some really awesome fireworks the first night. Besides, I think we're going to need two days if we want to see a lot. Disneyland is a pretty big place." He grew serious and he gently tugged the rest of the tickets out of Logan's grasp. "Logan, promise me something, okay?"

Logan's eyes were wide and he nodded. "Anything," he said gravely.

A corner of James' mouth quirked upwards in half of a smile but it lasted only an instant before he was serious again, his hazel eyes taking on a haunted look. "Promise me that when we go, you'll stay as close as possible to us. Promise me that you won't wander off by yourself. Okay?"

"Because that would scare you real bad again, huh?" Logan asked sadly. "Don't worry, James. I promise." He held up his pinky finger. "Pinky promise."

James linked his pinky through Logan's and finally smiled again. "Okay," he breathed. "Sounds good to me."

Logan threw his arms around James and dragged him into a hug. "I can't believe that we're going to Disneyland!" he said joyfully. "It'll be so much fun! We can ride all the rides and meet Mickey and Minnie and Simba! Do you think Pooh Bear and all of his friends will be there too?"

"Oh, I bet everyone will be there," James told him. "You'll see."

"James, this is fantastic." Carlos spoke up then. "I don't know what to say."

"Silly you, Carlos!" Logan told him. "Say thank you."

Carlos pressed his lips tightly together to keep from laughing. "You're right again, Logan." he said. "Thanks, James. This is really awesome."

Of course, Kendall wasn't one to let things go so easily. "How. . . how did you-"

"It's not important right now." James interrupted smoothly as he watched Logan place the tickets carefully back in the envelope before taking Buddy back and staring in fascination at his new sneakers. "Maybe later, okay?"

James was right. Kendall relaxed and smiled. "Okay. Thanks, James. This really is great. We'll have an awesome time."

There was a knock at the door and Carlos' parents along with his five little sisters trooped into the apartments, carrying even more wrapped presents. "Hey, Logan." Mr. Garcia was the first to greet the boys and was quick to sit down by Logan. "So, are you having a good Christmas so far?"

Logan nodded and quickly began showing off each gift and explaining all of them. "The best Christmas ever!" he finished off with a declaration and then became absorbed in Buddy.

"Are you boys doing all right?" Mr. Garcia's eyes strayed from Logan to his friends and watched them in concern. Of the three of them, James looked the worst off but that was no surprise. And even then he looked like he was finally healing.

"All right," Carlos said, leaning against his father wearily. "We've been up since 5:30."

"We have too." A laugh shook the man, slightly jostling his son as well. "Although, as I recall, you once got us up even earlier."

Carlos smiled, his eyes lighting up a little bit. "Really? What time?"

"3:30 when you were nine." Mr. Garcia laughed again. "I think it's because that was the year you were convinced that we had gotten you a jet ski. We were in Florida for the summer and-"

"I remember now!" Carlos laughed. "I have no idea why I thought that with all the snow we get in Minnesota."

"I wish we could get snow here," Logan said suddenly. "I think Buddy would like the snow. We would make snowmen and snow forts and have snow ball fights."

"Maybe we'll go visit my mom and dad sometime this winter." James shrugged. "Minnesota always has snow." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice because right now it was the snow that was preventing him from seeing his parents.

"That would be awesome." Suddenly, Logan's eyes widened again. "Oh no! James, we didn't call your mommy and daddy last night after we opened my present from them! We forgot to call them and thank them and say Merry Christmas to them!"

James rushed to ease Logan's mind. "Don't worry about it, Logan." he said. "They said they'll call around twelve and it's. . ." he trailed off and glanced at the clock on the wall. "It's almost ten now so in a little bit we can talk to them, okay?"

"I wish we could talk to them now," Logan said sadly. "That would be very nice."

"Soon, buddy." Kendall said, glancing at James. "In the meantime, how about we eat some breakfast? I don't know about you, but I'm really hungry right about now. We got up really early and all of this excitement-" He was cut off by another knock at the door. He glanced around the room, confused but no one else seemed to know what was going on either.

James watched as Kendall stood up and walked to the door. He watched his friend look through the peep hole to see outside. "Who is it?" he asked, unable to keep the stray hope out of his voice. It was an absurd hope but really, who else could it possibly be? He held his breath and watched as Kendall turned around, looking bewildered but happy. "Kendall?" he asked, stumbling to his feet and hurrying over to the front door.

"Sometimes I still believe in Santa," Kendall said suddenly before he opened the door and stepped back.

"Mom." James whispered, feeling waves of different emotions begin to crash in all over him. "Dad." He hurried forward and flung his arms around his mother, not even bothering to notice that she had dropped a small armload of gifts of the floor. He felt his father's arms go around him to and he started to cry in earnest for the second time that day. "You're here."

"James," Mrs. Diamond held onto her son tightly. "We're here."

"B-but how?" James reluctantly backed out of the embrace and led his parents into the apartment. Kendall and Carlos had hurried to pick up the presents his mother had dropped and were now placing them under the tree. "I thought that it was snowing and you couldn't get tickets and. . ." he trailed off. "How?"

Mr. Diamond looked first at Logan who was staring at them in disbelief. "Hi, Logan." he said gently. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Logan returned automatically. He stood up and went over to the Diamond family. "Did Santa really bring you here?"

"He might as well have been Santa," Mrs. Diamond gave Logan a quick hug as she answered him. "We were at the airport all night last night to see if by some miracle it would clear up enough to take off. It did but then we realized we still didn't have tickets."

"This older man," Mr. Diamond continued his wife's story. "He came up to us and told us that his own travel plans had been changed last minute and he and his wife weren't leaving for their son's house until after Christmas for New Years. But they already had tickets and. . ." he shook his head. "So at 3 in the morning, we got on a plane and here we are."

"That old man was Santa Claus," Logan said seriously. "He had to be. He couldn't give you a ride on his sleigh but he brought you here anyway." He hugged James' mom again and smiled. "I'm glad. I'm glad we can all be together on Christmas. Just like one big happy family."

**A/N. Don't you like how last night on Tumblr I said I was taking a break? I have no idea what's going on with me right now but I couldn't write Sunday or yesterday and then. . . this happened. So hopefully it's actually good. The next chapter will have to wait a while though because I'm wrapping up the spring semester and I'll be busy with finals and essays and all that fun stuff. Until then, carpe diem!**


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N. My brain is spinning after watching the new BTR episode. I can't even concentrate right now, you guys. Seriously. This is me trying to write while completely distracted. I don't own anything.**

"Ready Logan?" Carlos asked as he opened the apartment door.

"I'm trying, Carlos, but he won't walk right." Logan appeared dragging Buddy behind him as much as he could without hurting him. He sighed in frustration. "Do you think he hates me?"

"What? Logie, no." Carlos left the doorway and walked over to Logan. "Listen, he's just not used to walking on a leash right now, that's all. He might be a little scared."

Logan's eyes grew serious and he nodded. "I would be scared too." He knelt down and stroked the puppy's head gently. "I feel sad for him now. I don't want him to be scared, Carlos." A smile replaced the worried frown on his face when Buddy looked up to lick his chin. "What if he gets scared of me then?"

A troubled sigh escaped Carlos. There were so many moments that were glimpses of "typical" Logan behavior. Today it was with Buddy and the way he constantly thought everything through before he moved on to the next thing. Before the accident he would have been doing the same thing except not for something as trivial as getting his dog to walk on a leash. Sometimes it was so difficult to think of the right words to say. "He won't be scared if you make him feel safe," he said finally. "But you have to teach him too."

Buddy, relieved that all the commotion had ceased, sat down on the floor and rested his chin on Logan's knee. Logan smiled again and scratched the puppy's head. "I just wish I didn't have to scare him. But I guess that lots of mommies and daddies have to do that, huh?"

"Right, Logan." Carlos agreed. "Sometimes they have to teach us things that scare us, but we don't have to worry because it's good to learn new things and they'll always take care of us. So Buddy here needs to learn how to walk on a leash and you are going to keep him safe."

"You and me and your daddy when he gets here." Logan said happily. "Because your daddy teaches doggies, right?"

"Sometimes," Carlos answered him. "He's a police man and he works with dogs. So he kind of has to know how to teach them stuff."

They were supposed to meet Carlos' father outside the apartment but Logan seemed content to be sitting on the floor with Buddy nearly falling asleep in his lap. "I love your daddy a lot, Carlos. I love everyone's mommies and daddies. It makes me not miss my mommy and daddy so much. Do you think my new mommy will ever get married again, Carlos?"

"Um," Carlos bit his lip, wishing that Kendall and James weren't at James' therapy appointment and that Mrs. Knight and Katie weren't out running errands. He wished his dad would come. He loved Logan but he wished he didn't ask the hardest questions when he was alone with him. "I don't know, Logan. Maybe, maybe not."

Carlos had been expecting Logan to be disappointed in his lack of a direct answer. But as usual, Logan surprised him. "I hope she doesn't," he looked around the room as if to make sure they were alone and then whispered the confession to Carlos. "Know why?"

Unable to speak, Carlos simply shook his head.

"Because I already have a new daddy," Logan said confidently. "James. He's my best friend but he's also kind of my daddy. He takes care of me like daddies are supposed to."

More than anything else, Carlos wished James could have been there to hear Logan say that. Even Logan hadn't even been oblivious to the way the James had cared for him. There was a knock at the open door then, bringing his attention momentarily away from Logan. "Hey, Dad." he greeted with a smile.

"Hi, boys." Mr. Garcia entered the apartment and knelt down in front of Logan so he could pet Buddy who wagged his tail eagerly at the newcomer. "I didn't see you outside so I came in here to make sure everything was okay." He looked up from the puppy, studying the boys carefully. Logan looked content and happy while his own son looked to be on the verge of tears and utterly exhausted. "Are you up for a little dog training?"

Carlos sensed his father's concern and nodded quickly. "Yup. It'll be awesome. Right, Logan?" He smiled when Logan nodded and jumped to his feet. "Okay, let's go." A strong arm slipped over his shoulders and he leaned tiredly against his father. "I'm glad you decided to stay for a little while."

"We all wish we could stay permanently," Mr. Garcia said sadly. "We miss all of you and we want to be able to help you with Logan. However," he smiled. "From what I've seen you're all doing just wonderfully with him."

"Trying," Carlos responded as he reached down to help Logan untangle Buddy' leash from around his ankle. "Here," he said taking the leash. "I'll hold onto him and you go get your helmet on, okay?" He scooped Buddy up in his arms and watched Logan closely as he went to get his helmet from the kitchen table. "You're going to take good care of him, right?" he asked the dog in a low voice.

"Okay, I'm ready!" Logan declared. "Papa," he said using the childish endearment he and his friends had once used to talk to Carlos' father, "I'm having trouble getting him to walk on his leash. I think he's scared of it. Will you help me?"

"Sure, Logan." came the easy reply. "Carlos, put Buddy down and we'll see what we can do. See, Logan, one of the things I've learned that works best with training dogs is that you reward good behavior and discourage bad behavior. Now, I don't mean that you outright _punish_ Buddy. Not unless he needs it. But he'll soon find out that he'd rather you pet and praise him than speak to him sternly or ignore him."

Logan nodded seriously and gave a gentle tug on the leash. "Come on, Buddy." he said gently. "Let's go outside, okay? It'll be okay, I promise. I'll take care of you."

"Sometimes," Mr. Garcia broke in when Buddy still refused to move. "You have to give them a little bribe in the beginning." He took a small dog treat from his pocket and walked to the door. "Come on, Buddy!"

Buddy took Logan by surprise and lunged forward eagerly, dragging his owner behind him. "Whoa!" Logan laughed. "I guess he really likes his puppy treats."

"Good boy," Mr. Garcia said quietly to the dog. "Yes, but you have to be careful with him, Logan. Don't always give him treats when he listens to you. That might make him get really wild and hard to control. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah, like if we got candy every time we did something good." Logan responded wisely. "Let's go outside now."

With only a little more coaxing, they managed to get Buddy all the way down to the lobby and outside into the sunshine. They were in LA but it was December and slightly chilly. Carlos turned to check that Logan was dressed warmly and then looked to his father. "What next?"

For the next hour, the three stayed outside, training the new puppy. Carlos mostly sat and observed the easy way his father interacted with Logan. He wasn't all that surprised since as a kid he remembered always having a great time with him and he knew that his younger sisters felt the same way. What did confuse him was the ease his father had adapted to the new changes. He hadn't been around nearly as long and yet he was already acting as if it had been years.

Years. Carlos had always been one to look back on the past only when he could learn from it. He only looked toward the future when it was relatively close. He had always been one to live in the present and enjoy what was happening in that moment. Now, so much was different and part of him could help but look down the road years from now and wonder where they would all be.

"Logan, I think we'd better stop for the day. Buddy is looking worn out and so are you and Carlos."

Logan was about to protest because Buddy had already learned how to sit and stay until his name was called. He wanted to play catch. But the words died on his lips when he saw two figures walking towards them. "Look!" he said, waving happily. "Kendall and James are back!"

"Hi, Logan!" Kendall grinned and hugged Logan. "How's the dog training going?"

"Well," Logan said. "I thought it was going well but Papa said that we should stop for today. Me and Buddy and Carlos are tired I guess. Can we play catch with him tomorrow though?"

Carlos felt James' eyes on him and tried to smile. He was tired. Emotionally drained. Looking ahead made him feel so exhausted. When his father pulled him to his feet and whispered in his ear a suggestion that they talk later on, he wasn't about to refuse. "Come on, Logie." he said quietly. "Let's go in. Tomorrow is another day."

"I hope tomorrow isn't a rainy day." Logan said seriously. "I want to play outside more with Buddy." But he didn't protest when the others led him back in the apartment and contented himself with telling Kendall and James all about the busy morning he had with Carlos and his father and Buddy.

Carlos and his father slipped into the other room for some privacy and as soon as the door was closed, Carlos started to cry. He pulled a pillow to his face to muffle the sounds of his sobs and allowed his father to wrap his strong arms around him, desperate for the familiar comfort. "It's just so hard sometimes," he said sorrowfully. "All the time. He shouldn't be so helpless, Dad."

"He's not completely helpless though," his father soothed. "He's learning more and more every day and he couldn't ask for three better teaches. You boys have done so well with him even though it's been difficult. We're all incredibly proud of you."

"That doesn't really help." Carlos admitted honestly. "When I was younger I loved it when people were proud of me. I was so clumsy and destructive that when I did something right I felt proud of myself too. But now it's just so hard to. . . to be strong for him. For everyone. It's so hard knowing that we all feel the same. And it has gotten easier because I know that we're depending on each other again. But Dad, I'm so scared of doing this because I don't know if I can keep going. I feel like at one point I'll just crash and I won't be able to pick up the pieces. I'm scared of the future. I don't know if I'm strong enough."

Mr. Garcia sighed and tightened his arms around his son. "Carlos, I promise you that it will get better in the end. I don't know when and I don't know what's going to happen until then but I do know that everything will be okay. As long as we stay together. Because Carlos, you're not strong enough. Not by yourself. None of us are. We need each other. As long as we remember that and hold to it, we'll be strong enough. Together."

* * *

"Kendall, can me and you do something?" Logan asked, looking up from where he sat with Buddy on the floor.

"Sure, buddy." Kendall glanced curiously over at his friend. "What did you have in mind?"

Logan shrugged. "Well, I don't really know," he admitted. "Because I don't want to leave James and Buddy alone and I'm tired anyway. But I'm bored so I want to do something with you."

Kendall took a moment to think. His mother and Katie were still running errands and Carlos had gone out with his dad before he left to return back to Minnesota that night. James was tired after the therapy appointment and had gone to lay down in his room. Kendall was pretty sure that he was fast asleep and he was hoping it stayed that way. "Why don't we watch _Spiderman_?" he suggested after a while.

"Yeah, that's a great idea!" Logan said with a grin. "Let's do it!"

"Okay." Kendall smiled at his enthusiasm. "Go sit down and I'll set it up." He stood from the couch and pulled the new DVD from the shelf. He opened the case and slid the disc in the player. Standing back up, he turned to find Logan sprawled out on the couch. "Hey!" he protested with a laugh. "Where am I supposed to sit?"

Logan grinned up at him. "On the floor!" he replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. But when Kendall started to sit on the floor, he sat up quickly. "I'm just teasing, Kendall! Come sit next to me!"

Kendall sat down, smiling when Logan instantly curled up against his side and lifted an arm to wrap around his friend's shoulders. "Now, remember what I said before, Logie?" he asked.

"Uh-huh," Logan's eyes were on the screen but he nodded. "You said that it's kind of scary and I might get afraid. But I don't think I have to worry because it's just a movie and I'm right here with you. Even if it was real I wouldn't be scared because I know that you'll take good care of me."

Not for the first did Kendall wonder at Logan's trust in him and everyone else for that matter. He wasn't about to question it though because at the end of the day it was what kept him going. "That's right, Logan." he said softly. "You never have to be afraid." The movie started but Kendall couldn't concentrate. All he could think of was how much he wished that he didn't have to be afraid.

**A/N. Well, it's been a while since I updated but now things should pick up a more regular pace because I'm done with school until September. YAY! So, let me know what you thought!**


	37. Chapter 37

**Okay, wow. It's been like two weeks since I last updated this. Sorry about that, loves! I hope you're all still interested. I don't own anything.**

Logan yawned and blinked sleepily. "I'm tired," he murmured softly, leaning over to lay his head on James' shoulder. "Why did we have to get up so early?"

"Because," James told him. "We want to get to Disneyland nice and early so we can go on as many rides as possible the next two days. Sound good, Logie?" He turned to look at his friend and dropped an arm over his shoulders, pulling him close. He didn't want to think about the fact that they were driving.

Always in tune to his friends' feelings, Logan met James' gaze. "Are you still scared of driving?" he asked sadly. "Did you know that it's a lot safer to fly? That's why plane crashes are always on TV and stuff. Because they don't happen a lot and when they do it's a big deal. Car crashes happen all the time, ever day."

_Because there's a bunch of idiots driving_, James thought, flinching slightly at Logan's words. In one way it was comforting to hear Logan talk in the familiar know-it-all way that he used to drive them crazy with before the accident. On the other hand, the subject matter was not easy to listen to. James forced a smile anyway and nodded. "Makes sense to me," he said, praying that Logan would be satisfied with his answer and move on.

Carlos jumped into the conversation before Logan could say anything. "Hey, Logie." he said, glancing at James. "What do you want to do when we get there?"

"Well," Logan said thoughtfully, totally forgetting his earlier subject of interest. "I want to see everyone and ride all of the rides. I've never been there before though so I guess we have to just wait and see. We have to watch the fireworks tonight though. I love fireworks."

"Fireworks are awesome," Kendall agreed with a tiny smile. "And thanks to James we're going to see some really crazy ones tonight. New Year's Eve fireworks are always the best and this year, we're going to be in Disneyland."

"So we'll see the best of the best!" Logan said eagerly. "Right?"

"Right," James said, sighing in relief because any conversation was better than one about car accidents. If only he could do away with the barely contained panic that constantly threatened to send him closer to the edge. "Tell you what," he turned to Logan, hoping to forget his fears. "When we get there, we'll see Mickey and Minnie and Donald and-"

"Not Goofy," Logan interrupted "He's too tall and scary."

"I'm tall though, Logan." James said, suddenly having the ridiculous fear that Logan might be afraid of him.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but Goofy is a dog with really big teeth. You're a person and you have normal teeth. It's okay. I know that you and Carlos and Kendall will keep me safe. Even from Goofy. And you don't need to be afraid because I won't leave you alone this time."

Kendall shared a pained look with Carlos, both of the boys knowing that another change of subject was needed. The last thing James needed was a reminder of the disastrous zoo trip. "Anyway, when we get there, we'll take a look around and see what we want to do first. We can find some characters and ride some rides and then get lunch. . ." he trailed off to take a deep breath in the midst of his digression.

"And when we're done lunch, we can have more fun, right?" Logan asked.

"Right," Carlos said with a nod. "We'll have fun all day and then watch the fireworks at night, then head home for the night and come back again tomorrow."

Logan peered out the window at the blue sky. "It's a perfect day for going to Disneyland," he declared after a while. "It's sunny but it's not too hot or too cold. I like it like this, it should be like this every day, don't you think, James?"

Amused, James laughed a little. "I wish, Logie." he said quietly. "That would sure make planning things a little easier. Ever since he had bought the tickets, he had been afraid of what would happen if the weather was less than fantastic. Los Angeles could be fairly warm even at the end of December so he hadn't been worried about the temperature as much as the possibility of rain ruining everything. He was glad to see that the sun looked like it was going to be around for the next few days.

They drove in a comfortable silence for quite some time before Logan looked at Kendall, driving in the front seat. "Kendall?"

"Yeah, Logan?" Kendall glanced in the rear view mirror, his eyes automatically going back and forth between James and Logan to make sure they were both okay. "What's up?"

"Is Mommy taking care of Buddy?" Logan asked.

Kendall's hands tightened their grip on the steering wheel. _Mommy._ It was so endearing, yet so horribly wrong at the same time. His mother had wanted Logan to call her Mom since she had adopted him three years ago. But Logan had always been just a little too shy and uncomfortable about it. It was as if calling her Mom would make him too open to getting hurt all over again. He was fine as long as he kept the slightest bit of distance between himself and everyone else. Looking back, it had been that way since his birth mother died.

"_Be careful what you wish for because it might come true."_

The saying floated through Kendall's mind and he sighed. All he had wanted was to have Logan feel like he was a part of the family and that not everyone was going to leave him. Now, as he took another quick glance in the back seat, he had gotten just what he had always wanted, only it was some twisted version of his dream. He'd give anything to have the old Logan back, even if his hidden uncertainties were hard to see.

"Kendall?"

He jerked out of his thoughts and smiled for Logan. "Yeah, of course she is, Logie. Her and Katie will take good care of him, okay? You'll see him tonight."

"I wish we could have brought him." Logan sighed. "But I guess it would probably be too crowded and not safe for him since he's still such a little guy, right?"

"Absolutely," Kendall nodded. "Besides, he wouldn't like it anyway. Too much to see and hear. He likes it when it's just you and him playing together."

"Us," Logan corrected. "All of us."

"Yeah," Kendall replied softly. "Us."

Apparently satisfied, Logan went back to staring out the window at the cars rushing past. "Are we almost there?"

Carlos frowned, studying the map in confusion. "I think so, Logan." he said slowly. "Fifteen or twenty minutes maybe. Don't worry," he added with a grin when Logan frowned slightly. "It'll go by quickly and once we do get there, you'll forget all about the car ride. You'll see."

Logan bounced a little bit in his seat, anticipating their arrival. "Thanks again, James." he said, serious for a moment. "This is going to be so awesome and I can't wait!"

"You're welcome," James said, looking a little more relaxed now that he was armed with the knowledge that the car ride would soon be over. "I'm excited too."

"We all are," Carlos smiled. "Logan's right. It'll be great."

"I didn't say it would be great though, Carlos." Logan told him. "I said it would be awesome."

Carlos chuckled. "Okay then. It'll be awesome." He hastily redirected his attention back to the map and his job of navigation, but continued to listen to Logan's steady stream of chatter about all the plans he had when they got to Disneyland.

At last, they didn't have to wait any longer. "We're here!" Kendall announced as he pulled into the huge parking lot that was already, unfortunately, packed with cars. He drove aimlessly around, searching for an open spot, all the while inwardly panicking over just how easy it would be to lose Logan in such an enormous crowd. "Hey, buddy!" he called.

"Yeah?" Logan tore his gaze away from the window to look at Kendall.

"What's the first rule?" Kendall prompted.

"Stay with you guys." Logan answered right away. He took hold of James' hand and held it up for Kendall to see. "I will, see?"

Kendall released the breath he had been holding, wishing it could have relieved some of the tension that still tied a knot in his stomach. "Okay, good." He smiled as he pulled into a spot and stopped the car. "Well, I guess this is it."

James found himself being dragged out of the car and had to brace himself to stop Logan's excited dash across the parking lot. "Remember Logan," he said, half regretting his decision to buy the tickets in the first place because of the fear of losing Logan again. "Stay together. All of us."

"Sorry," Logan apologized, a little ashamed. "Can we go on those cool trains now?"

"Trams." Carlos said, pointing them out where they sat just in the distance.

Logan nodded. "Okay," he said dismissively. "Trams. Can we go on them now?"

James stopped him while they were still near the car and fiddled with the helmet strap. "Just being safe." he said patiently when Logan sighed and rolled his eyes. "We have to check it a few times throughout the day just to make sure it never comes loose. That's what Emma and Noah said, remember? They should know, they're your therapy doctors. They know how to keep you safe."

Logan blinked and stared up at James. "But so do you." he said innocently.

James bit his lip and forced a smile, giving the strap one last tug to make sure it was secure. "From now on I will." he said under his breath. Then he gripped Logan's hand firmly and let Kendall and Carlos lead the way. His breath caught in his throat and then quickened a little when he saw the throngs of people waiting by the transportation system that would take them into the park. "Kendall?" he whispered, unable to keep the fear out of his voice.

"It will be fine, James." Kendall promised him quietly. "We're all here to keep an eye on him this time."

"But there's more people this time!" James pointed out. "A lot more."

Carlos stretched up to see over the crowd. "It looks like we'll only have to wait ten minutes or so." he told Logan. "Logie, there's going to be a lot of people in the park, even more than right here. You have to be really careful, okay? All of us do." He looked at James and then added in a rush. "If you _do_ lose us, then stay right where you are. Don't talk to anyone unless they work in the park, okay?"

Logan looked a little annoyed at being told yet again to be careful but he only nodded and smiled at Carlos. "Okay," he said agreeably. "I promise."

Soon it was their time to board and Kendall handled their passes, watching Carlos and James anxiously as they both held tightly to Logan to avoid losing him in the shuffle. Once they were settled, sitting down on a bench seat, he was able to breathe a sigh of relief. "Okay, that part's over with." He glanced over at his friends to see Carlos pointing out the window to show Logan the passing sights and James looking around them as if their fellow passengers were all kidnappers. "James," he said softly.

James looked away from another group of teenagers that were staring at Logan and Carlos and brought his tortured gaze around to meet Kendall. "Hm?" he asked

"Just relax," Kendall told him. "We're going to have a great time today and tomorrow. Try not to worry too much and just enjoy yourself, okay? You deserve it. We all do."

The panicky feeling inside of James died down a little bit and he returned Kendall's smile. "Thanks," he whispered before turning to reply to Logan.

Soon, they came to a halt right outside the park gates. "Okay," Kendall said, turning to Logan after looking at the signs. "It looks like we're in Downtown Disney right now. There are some shops if you want to buy anything for Mom, Katie or Buddy or anyone else. Or would you rather do the fun stuff first?"

"Shopping is boring," Logan decided quickly. "We can buy stuff tomorrow. Let's go do fun stuff today." He tugged James toward the sign that read Disneyland, completely missing how happy it made it friends to know that he at least recognized the word. "Look!" he cried, pointing to flowers that were planted to look like Mickey Mouse. "It's Mickey!"

"Whoa," James stared at the flowers. "I wonder how long that would take." He shook his head. "Man, I can't believe the detail they've put into this place. It's ridiculous. But very cool." he added when Logan gave him a disapproving look.

"Yeah." Logan nodded. "Hey, can we get ice cream for lunch? Mommy isn't here so. . ." he trailed off when he saw Kendall shaking his head and grinned sheepishly. "Okay."

"Trust me," James said. "Your mom would find out. That's what parents are for. Among many other things of course."

"All right, buddy." Kendall caught Logan's attention. "That way it's called Fantasy Land and it probably has the rides you would like so do you-"

"Wow, look at the castle!" Logan interrupted Kendall and pointed to Cinderella's castle that led the way to Fantasy Land. "Let's go there!"

"Sounds like a great idea to me." Carlos told him. "We'll get lunch in a little while. A real lunch. But we'll also get ice cream later so it'll all work out."

James gripped Logan's hand tightly in his and took a deep breath. He replayed Kendall's words over and over in his mind. They were going to have a great time. He was going to enjoy himself with his best friends.

Logan started walking but stopped when James wasn't following him. He walked back and gave a gentle tug on his hand. "Come on, Daddy."

**A/N. Return of the Angst Monster! I've missed him a whole lot. I've missed you guys too. Anyway, the epicness has begun because Disney and everything about it is epic. A big big big big thanks to my best friend EpicInTheLibrary for helping me out with Disneyland. It'll be epic because of her. Until next time!**


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N. Thanks to those who reviewed my random one-shot a little while ago. It was encouraging to know that I wasn't completely crazy. It just meant a lot. Anyway, happy June, everyone! Summer is just around the corner for everyone now! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Disney is just awesome, okay?**

James froze and Logan's hand slipped through his fingers. A lone part of his brain was still vaguely aware of their surroundings and he lunged forward to grasp for Logan before he could get too far. His thoughts were a jumbled up mess and he could hardly focus on what was happening. He took a deep breath and blinked, trying to stop the world from fuzzing all around him. He saw Logan looking at him.

"James?" Logan asked. He tugged on James' hand. "Come on! Let's go see everything!"

_James. He called me James._ James shook his head to clear away the daze. What had he been thinking? How could he have-

"Kendall, why don't you take Logan over there real quick?" Carlos gestured to where the crowd looked a little thinner. "We'll be there in a second." When James didn't let go of Logan's hand, Carlos reached down and slowly pried his fingers apart. "I just need to talk to you for a second. I need to tell you something."

Carlos' voice was strained and Kendall would take care of Logan so James nodded and reluctantly followed his younger friend. He nearly crashed into several random strangers as he glanced over his shoulder at Logan before Carlos finally took hold of his shoulders and physically steered him to a bare corner of the park. "Carlos?" he asked, his voice shaking. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Carlos gave him a small smile, his eyes shinning with tears. "Nothing, James." he said quietly. "It's just. . . Kendall and I both heard what Logan called you too and-"

"So he really said it," James interrupted, feeling an ache deep in his chest. "I thought maybe he imagined it." He wiped at his eyes, feeling like he was fighting a losing battle.

"That's not all." Carlos took a deep breath. "Um, a little while ago. . . like the day my dad stayed to help train Buddy, Logan told me something. James, Kendall and I have already told you this but I think you need to know that Logan said that he thinks of you as his new daddy."

James couldn't speak. He stared at Carlos, trying to order his brain into working gear again so he could say _something_. He sank down onto a nearby bench and covered his face with his hands while he tried to think straight. He felt Carlos' hand on his shoulder but couldn't find the strength to reply when he heard his friend saying his name in concern.

"I didn't want to upset you," Carlos said quietly. "But James, you needed to know. I mean, I don't think he thinks of you _exactly_ as his dad. But you're a dad to him. I think he meant to call you James but. . . that's still what he feels about you."

A dad. He was seventeen. He was stupid. There was no way he could handle the enormous responsibility. But. James took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. He didn't have to handle it alone. He never did.

The hardest part to accept was that Logan's real father had been apathetic toward his relationship with his son from a couple years after the death of his wife, until he himself died three years ago. How could Logan even remember what a father was supposed to be like? James didn't really want Logan to remember the way his father had treated him Kendall had told him and Carlos how once Logan had mentioned his dad telling him stories before bed and that had to have been before everything started going downhill for father and son. Logan had made no mention of what his life had been after that but then again, when he had woken up from his coma, he hadn't remembered that his parents were dead.

They had been given a second chance, in a tragic sort of way, to give Logan a good, happy childhood with a loving family, one that didn't neglect him. James felt bad for wishing that things had stayed the same and that Logan would sill show insecurity at times. He just wanted things to be normal again. He didn't want to be Logan's dad. He wanted to be Logan's screw-up best friend.

"James," Carlos said with an extraordinary amount of patience in his voice. "I know that this is probably a lot for you to hear right now but it's true and. . . and James, it's okay this way. It's not like Logan is going to start calling you Daddy on a regular basis but you can still give him what he should have had. If he thinks of you as his dad then maybe that's what you should be, at least for now. And hey, you can still be his best friend. My dad is one of my best friends."

"Everyone should have a dad like your dad," James sighed, thinking of his own father.

Carlos frowned and sat down next to James. Across from them they could just see that Kendall and Logan had found Mickey and Minnie Mouse. "Hey, I thought everything was okay with you and your parents." His voice was soft but there was a protective edge to it all the same.

James really hated the role reversal. He was supposed to be taking care of Carlos, not the other way around. "It is now," he said honestly. "I just wish things had never gotten bad in the first place, you know? And even now. . . Carlos, your dad is so _awesome_ with Logan. He's so natural like he never had to adjust. My parents still cry when I talk on the phone with them. You're exactly like your dad, Carlos. So strong. I wish I could be half as strong as you."

"But you are," Carlos said firmly. "You've been through more than anyone and you overcame all of it. Look where you are now."

"Disneyland?" James asked dryly. But he smiled and ducked away from Carlos' gentle shove. "Thanks, buddy." he said quietly. "It sure helps having my best friends. And thanks for. . . telling me about Logan. It means a lot. Really. I think I just have to get used to that idea. I won't let Logan down though. Not this time."

"I believe you." Carlos smiled and then pulled James to his feet. "Come on, then. Let's go."

They hurried over to their friends where Logan was alternating between hugging Minnie and Mickey, looking like he was already having the time of his life. "Look!" he said proudly, showing them the autograph book James had given him that morning. "They signed their names for me!"

"Awesome, bud." James grinned. "Let's see how many pages you can get signed while we're here. How does that sound?"

"Great!" Logan replied. "Let's go then!" He turned to hug the two mice characters one last time, giggling and blushing when Minnie kissed him on the cheek. Then, slipping his hand inside James', Logan hurried off to the next amusement. "Where to now?" he asked as they walked.

James look around, trying to tell the difference between the people waiting in lines and the people who were just standing around trying, like them, to decide what to do next. The notes of a familiar song caught his attention and he turned to see an enormous carousel. "Why not there?" he suggested, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. "It's really close and it doesn't look like there's a really long line."

"That's a great idea, James." Logan said with a nod. "Come on, let's hurry before it gets even more crowded." He quickened his pace but made sure that all three of his friends remained close by his side. "Where does the line start?" he asked, turning to Kendall.

"Right over there, Logan." Kendall pointed to where a mother was standing with three young children. He sighed and hoped that the kids wouldn't stare or ask questions. Logan seemed to put on a good face in front of everyone who stared but they boys had recently discovered that he wasn't as oblivious as they thought.

Logan stood patiently in the back of the line, craning his neck to see around the long line of people. "I can't wait to get on!" he exclaimed happily. "Let's all stay together, okay?"

"You don't have to worry about that," Carlos murmured softly. "See any horses you like?"

Logan shook his head. "Nope. I can't see them that well. We have to wait until we get closer. I bet they're all really beautiful and awesome though. I bet I'll love all of them equally. I'm just excited to ride it right now but we have to wait until these people have their turn."

"That's right," Kendall smiled. He was glad that the day was at least cool. It made waiting much easier. He still felt uneasy though and kept glancing from his friends to the little kids all around them, hoping that they would keep all their questions to themselves. He didn't want Logan's day to be ruined.

At last, it was their turn and Logan dragged James while Kendall and Carlos followed close behind. He looked hurriedly around him and decided on a group of four horses that all seemed fairly similar in appearance. "These guys," he told his friends, giving Carlos a gentle shove to one. "I like them. Come on before it starts moving!"

James stood frozen to the spot while Kendall and Carlo moved to climb on their horses. He automatically reached out to help Logan only to be told that he as fine. Still, his hands hovered nervously in thin air, ready to steady Logan if he slipped. "Wow," he said when the worst part was over. "You look great up there, Logan."

"Thanks!" Logan grinned broadly. "Now you get on him!" He pointed to the horse to the left of him. "Hurry!"

James glanced over his shoulder at the horse. It was too far from Logan. Yes, it was directly next to him but not close enough in case something happened. "Logie," he said slowly. "I think I'll stay right here with you, okay?"

"Are you scared?" Logan asked in confusion.

"Yes," James nodded. It wasn't a lie, Logan would just think that he was scared of the horse. What really frightened him was the image of Logan falling and getting hurt yet again. "So I'll stand here with you. Is that okay?"

Logan nodded, his expression sympathetic. "'Course it is," he said softly. "Jamie," he continued, missing the way James winced at his now somewhat rare use of the nickname, "I'm sorry you're scared. You didn't need to come with us."

"I feel safest when I'm with all of you," James promised him. "I'll just stand right here and we'll all be fine. Sound good?" As he spoke, the music started and he wrapped an arm around Logan's waist to him him as steady as possible. It didn't matter that he had checked the seat belt half a dozen times. He had to be sure.

Logan reached down and put his hand on James' shoulder and kept it there even when they started to move. "Don't worry," he said confidently. "I'll keep you safe today."

James smiled and then shifted closer to lean against the study painted horse. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Carlos and Kendall watching him in concern and he smiled for their benefit. At least they trusted him enough with Logan so that they weren't worried. That thought made him feel better.

Kendall watched his friends closely. He wasn't concerned for Logan at all. He was in good hands with James right by his side. But he was always worried about James who no matter how much better he got, always seemed to be on the edge, walking a fine line. He sighed and rested his head on the brass pole that rose and fell with a steady motion as they turned around and around to the tune of. . . he listened, concentrating hard to recognize the song. Oh.

"_When you wish upon a star,_

_makes no difference who you are._

_Anything your heart desires_

_will come to you._

_If your heart is in your dream,_

_no request is too extreme._

_When you wish upon a star_

_as dreamers do,_

_Fate is kind,_

_she brings to those who love,_

_the sweet fulfillment of_

_their secret longing._

_Like a bolt out of the blue,_

_fate steps in and sees you through._

_When you wish upon a star,_

_your dreams come true."_

A lump filled Kendall's throat and he blinked back tears. He didn't have to look at his friends to know that they were thinking the same exact thing. They had wished upon every star that they had seen since the accident and this is where they now found themselves. Fighting a constant battle together to keep from falling apart. Protective Logan from all that they could and still fighting for him when they couldn't. It wasn't what they had hoped and dreamed for. Their wishes had not come true.

Kendall looked up to see Carlos staring ahead with tears running silently down his face. He turned and followed the other boy's gaze and felt his heart break right in the middle of the happiest place on earth. Logan had his face turned up at the cloudless sky and he could just make out him telling James something he had told them many times before, ever since they were little.

"You can't see them because the sun makes everything too bright. But the stars are always there, James. So even though you can't see them, you can still make wishes on them."

Kendall's eyes moved slowly away from Logan and traveled downwards to James who had his face pressed against the horse's shoulder, hiding his tears from Logan. But the shaking of his shoulders gave him away and Kendall hastily climbed off the horse, ignoring the glare he got from the old man running the carousel.

Carlos and Kendall reached their friends at the same time and put their hands on James' shoulders. Their presence alone calmed him down enough to stop the flow of tears and they all looked up to follow Logan's gaze up at the sky. Keeping on hand on James' shoulder and moving the other to rest on Logan's knee, Kendall closed his eyes and wished on the invisible stars will all of his might.

**A/N. I forgot Disney could be so angsty. Lol, jk I've never forgotten that. I love that about Disney. Anyway, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to get up but I've had other things on my mind and I keep getting distracted. Let me know what you thought! Oh, and another thanks to Rieley because she helped me out big time (pun intended) with all of the Disney chapters. So yes, thank you! I love you all!**


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N. The "Worldwide" video honestly made me laugh. James interrupting Carlos and then Jo taking forever to get to her gate and them stalking her. . . don't get me wrong, I loved it. They're so attractive in white! But I just found it funny. -shot- Anyway. Here's the next chapter. I don't own anything.**

The music came to a stop and so did the carousel. Logan was already trying to undo the leather strap around his waist. "Hang on, Logan. Let me help you." Kendall gently brushed aside James' shaking hands and in one steady motion, undid the seat-belt. He ignored all the stares that he and his friends were getting, the curious ones, the sympathetic ones, and the confused ones. Instead, he focused all of his attention on Logan. "Careful, buddy."

Logan shook off the three pairs of helping hands. "I can do it myself!" he insisted. He smiled in satisfaction when they let him go and swung his leg over the horse to land besides his friends. "See?" he asked them proudly.

Kendall lowered his hands from where he had been reaching out, ready to catch Logan if needed. "Good job, Logan." he praised softly. They really did need to let Logan become more independent. It just wasn't easy. "How did you like it?"

"I loved it," Logan declared, turning to give his horse a pat on the nose. "I named him Lightning. James, were you scared the whole time?"

James was caught off guard by the sudden change in subject, but recovered quickly. "No, I felt better with you and. . ." he looked up at the horse. "Lightning. I knew I was safe."

Logan looked pleased as they moved away from the horses and stepped off the carousel's platform. "We _all_ took good care of you, didn't we?"

"Yeah, you sure did." James smiled. "All of you."

As they stepped back out into the crowds again, Logan grabbed James' hand and held it tightly. "I promise we always will, James." he told him seriously. "You never ever have to be afraid."

James nodded again and thanked Logan. But as he glanced at Kendall and Carlos, he could easily tell that they were all thinking the same thing. That they lived in a constant state of fear. He would never think to let Logan know that though, so he forced a smile. "What next, Logan?"

The seriousness dropped from Logan's face and he smiled again. "How about that one?" he asked, pointing. "The Peter Pan ride. I love Peter Pan."

"Looks good to me," Carlos said. "We can all sit together too."

"Yeah, that's awesome!" Logan grinned and headed to the back of the line. "I'm having so much fun already, but I wish we didn't have to wait in such long lines for every ride! There are so many people here!" His brown eyes were wide as he took in everything around him and craned his neck to see the Peter Pan ride better. "I can hear it, but I can't see it." he told his friends.

"Soon you can ride it," Carlos assured him. "We just have to be patient."

"I know." Logan sighed. "I wish I could fly in real life, don't you? It would be so cool to be up in the sky with the birds and the airplanes and the clouds. And if Neverland was a real place, I would fly there so I wouldn't ever have to grow up."

"Well," Carlos said, thinking as fast as he could. "Logan, everyone has to grow up. You know that, right?"

"Of course I do," Logan said. "But that doesn't mean I want to do it. Being a kid is more fun because you can play games and watch movies and other stuff. When you're a. . . a big person?"

"Adult," Carlos corrected gently.

"Right, adult." Logan repeated. "Anyway, when you're an adult, you have to get a job and work all the time and cook food and stuff like that. No fun." 

"Oh, Logan, I don't think it's _that_ bad." Kendall spoke up then. "There are a lot of fun jobs to have. Carlos' dad is a policeman, right? That's pretty cool, isn't it?"

Logan's eyes lit up. "Yeah, it's really cool," he said excitedly. "He gets to play with puppies and train them so that they're good police dogs _and_ he helps people. I want to help people when I grow up."

"I thought you didn't want to grow up?" James teased, after he finally found his voice again.

"Well," Logan looked thoughtful. "I think I do now. Because then I could do more stuff by myself and you wouldn't have to worry so much. I could take care of people and help them and we could all be happy together."

James was glad that they were standing still in line. "Logan," he said quietly. "We _are_ happy. Me and Carlos and Kendall are very happy to have you just the way you are. We love you. You're happy, right?"

"I'm really happy," Logan said honestly. "I just wish that you didn't have to be scared and sad and worried all the time about me. But it won't be for forever, okay? I'm going to get better and grow up and everything will be okay again."

The line inched forward and James followed it. He stopped and then pulled Logan into a hug. "Everything _is_ okay _right now_," he told his friend. "Don't think you have to change for us, Logan. Please."

"James is right," Kendall said. "You're our best friend and we're happy with you no matter what. We always will be happy with you, Logan. Don't forget that, okay? It's really important that you remember and believe that, okay?"

Finally Logan nodded. "Okay," he said in contentment. "I'll remember it and believe it for the rest of my life, I promise."

"Good." Carlos sighed. "That makes us really happy, Logan." What mattered to him most was Logan's happiness. Sure he would have loved to have his brainy best friend back but not just for himself or for Kendall or even for James. He wanted Logan back for Logan. It hurt to know that the masks they put on didn't fool Logan as much as they'd like. He still saw their pain and knew that it was indirectly because of him. He wanted to be normal for them and they wanted him to be normal for him. Carlos wasn't entirely sure how much sense that would make if he said it aloud but he knew James and Kendall felt the same way so he kept quiet.

"I'm happy too," Logan said, giving Carlos a quick hug and then turning to Kendall so he wouldn't feel left out. "You make me happy. Know what else makes me happy?" He pointed ahead. "We get to go on the ride next!"

He was right and soon they were all crowded into one small pirate ship, sailing off to Neverland to the tune of _You Can Fly!_ from the movie. Carlos sat in the back with James, both of them watching Logan and Kendall carefully. Carlos thought about all Logan had said while they were still waiting in line.

No one really wanted to grow up, did they? Sure, when they were little, Kendall used to pretend he was a hockey player, James a pop star, Carlos a police officer like his dad, and Logan a doctor. Sure, everyone of Carlos' little sisters liked to play House and fought over who got the coveted role of the Mommy. But the fact that it was all pretend was the best part. When they wanted to be done, they could go back to being carefree little kids without any real worries or fears.

That time was over, Carlos realized. Even though they were all teenagers and supposed to be having the "time of their lives" before they entered adulthood, they had all grown up. Maybe they didn't have to have jobs and support families or even pay for college quite yet but the days of a carefree life were gone for good.

It was then that he first started thinking about what a lie Disney was. There was no place they could go where their worries and fears would vanish in the blink of an eye. When they wished upon stars, their longings only increased. No one was perfect. There was no happy ending waiting for them past the doom and despair. Only a long hard road.

He didn't want to feel like this today or any day. Even though he had been telling Logan the truth when he said that they were happy, he hadn't told him how it was a different kind of happy. A happiness weighted down by fear and worry and even guilt. He hadn't told Logan about the sorrow that washed over them in waves, threatening to drown them at times. And he didn't tell Logan about the constant state of emotional and physical exhaustion that they all battled. Those thoughts were better left unspoken.

Logan was having the time of his life in Disneyland. He had only been on two rides and it was obvious that they would have a tough time dragging him away later that night. His earlier weariness had been long forgotten and now he was only worried about going on all off the rides, seeing everything there was to see, and meeting all of the characters. When they saw a petting zoo in Frontier Land, he insisted that they take a quick trip to visit all of the animals.

"Okay, but after this, we're going to get lunch." Kendall said firmly. His eyes swept over the yard where there were some goats and sheep and even a burro standing in the back. It seemed harmless enough and it wasn't even crowded. They paid a ridiculous amount for food to give to the animals and then went to stand by the fence.

Logan stood on the bottom rung of the fence and stretched out his hand full of food. "Come on, goats! Are you hungry? I have food for all of you." When none of the animals moved, he turned to look at his friends. "Why won't they come?" he asked, sounding disappointed. "Maybe they don't like me."

"No, Logan, of course they like you!" Carlos said quickly. "They look a little tired. Maybe after they nap for a few minutes, they'll come over and visit. Just wait a little while longer."

Logan nodded and then laughed. "More waiting even though we aren't in a line this time."

"Welcome to Disneyland!" Carlos joked, smiling when his little joke made Logan laugh again. "Hopefully everything here is worth the wait though."

"So far it has." Kendall said optimistically.

"I'm just glad it's December in California." James said as a light breeze blew over them. "If it was summer here, it would probably be a lot more crowded and _really _hot." He looked outside the petting zoo and the mass of people. "I kind of wish I got tickets for another day though. New Year's Eve and Day are probably two of the busiest days."

"Probably," Carlos agreed. "But we're going to see some great fireworks tonight, right?"

James shrugged. "I guess. Don't they have fireworks here almost every night though?"

"Probably," Carlos said again with a small laugh. "But I bet they're going to be really good tonight. Think about it, James. New Year's Eve fireworks in Disneyland."

Finally, James smiled. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

Kendall watched his two friends carry on their conversation with amusement. James' ever present fear of the crowds was no joke but it was a relief to see him so relaxed for the time being, talking easily with Carlos. Carlos' free spirit was heavier now with all of their burdens but he was still just what James needed. Someone who could ease his mind and make him smile or even laugh. As he continued to watch them, Carlos started joking about how all of the sheep resembled them somehow.

"Look!" he insisted when James disagreed a second time in a row. "The shortest one is me, the tallest one is you, the one with the spiky hair in the front is Logan, and the one with the bushy eyebrows is Kendall!"

Kendall opened his mouth to protest but was interrupted by both James and Logan as they burst out laughing at Carlos' words. He followed their gazes to see that Carlos was more or less, right. There was a tall sheep, a short one, one with spiky hair on the top of his head, and another one that had hair over his eyes, resembling, just like Carlos had said, his own bushy eyebrows.

"It's a James sheep and a Logan sheep and a Kendall sheep and a Carlos sheep!" Logan declared in delight. "It's perfect!" He leaned a little more over the gate, calling out to the animals. "James and Logan and Kendall and Carlos! I have food for you, see?"

"I can't believe that," Kendall shook his head and smiled. "That's pretty funny, even I have to admit."

James poked him with his elbow gently and grinned. "You should find it the funniest," he said with another laugh. "It's not every day you see a sheep with eyebrows."

"It's not every day you see such a good looking sheep!" Kendall shot back with good humor. "Eyebrows are such an attractive quality in man and in sheep." He smiled when James and Carlos laughed again, seeing just a glimpse of who his friends had once been in their faces.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, Kendall saw Logan, still absorbed in trying to call the animals over. He saw the burro standing off in the corner, ignoring everyone around him. He saw the sheep, looking lost in their own pen. He saw a handful of goats making their way slowly over to the fence. Then he saw the largest goat in the pack, shove the others aside and lunge straight at Logan.

Kendall spun around, panicked, and reached out for Logan. Obviously, James had observed the same potential disaster and was doing the same thing. Their heads smacked together painfully but Kendall managed to shake off the daze the collision had put him in, and wrap both arms around Logan, yanking him backwards. He was met with resistance and was horrified to see that the goat had Logan's jacket sleeve caught in his sharp teeth.

Carlos acted then, reaching out and smacking the goat hard in the face several times before it finally let go and sent Logan and Kendall tumbling backwards. "Logan!" he exclaimed, his face white and his voice shaky.

James had recovered from his head bump just in time to steady Kendall and Logan and keep them from falling. "Logan, are you okay?" he asked in a panicked voice.

"I-I'm fine," Logan stammered, frightened tears filling his eyes.

"Are you sure? Did he just get your jacket? Let me see your arm, buddy." Kendall sat Logan down on a nearby bench. He could hardly roll back the sleeve of Logan's light jacket because his hands were shaking so badly. He held Logan's arm gently and carefully eased the sleeve back.

Nothing. The arm was pale and skinny but there wasn't a single mark on the skin. Still holding his breath, Kendall looked up at Logan. "Tell me if I hurt you." he whispered. When Logan nodded, he slowly ran his fingers up the length of the arm, pressing down as lightly as he dared. "Does that hurt at all?"

Logan shook his head. "N-no," he said tearfully. "He didn't hurt me. He just bit my jacket. But he ripped it, look!" Dismayed, he indicated to a small tear in the material and then looked back up at his friends. "It's my new jacket that Carlos' mommy and Daddy gave me for Christmas and it's broken!"

"Oh. Logan." Carlos sank down to his knees in front of Logan. "It's okay, buddy. It's just a jacket and I bet Mama Knight can fix it up so that it looks brand new. All that matters is that you're not hurt."

Logan sniffed. "I'm not hurt," he told Carlos. "I was just a little s-scared."

"So were we." Kendall wrapped his arms around his smaller friend and held him close. Over Logan's shoulder he could see the black goat watching from the fence, chewing on the material it had torn from Logan's jacket. A surge of anger rushed through him and he released Logan and stormed over to the fence. Without another thought, he reached out and grasped the material and gave a strong pull. It came easier than he had expected, along with one of the goat's teeth. "Stupid animal." he muttered.

"Kendall?"

The sound of Logan's voice brought Kendall back to reality and he hurried to rejoin his friends. "Right here, Logan. James, are you okay?"

James looked as shaken as anyone by the close call, but nodded. "Yeah. You?"

"Fine. Thanks for the save."

Logan looked at them doubtfully. "I don't know," he said, looking at Carlos. "Maybe they should start wearing helmets too."

Carlos laughed, despite the fact that he was still frightened. "Yeah, maybe. We'll just have to keep our eyes on them for now though."

"Carlos!" Kendall said suddenly. "Are you okay?"

"Me? I'm not hurt if that's what you mean. I wasn't the one getting bitten or bumping heads or falling backwards." He shook his head. "You guys are all such klutzes."

"And you," James said, smiling slightly as he began to relax. "You're the mighty goat warrior, Carlos."

Kendall nearly choked on his laughter. "The goat warrior?" he repeated incredulously.

But Logan was laughing too and Carlos just grinned modestly. "That's me," he said with a shrug. "I won't let any goats or anything else harm my best friends."

Sobering up, James nodded. "I think we can all believe that one. Thanks, Carlos."

Carlos merely shrugged again and then stood up. "I think we've had enough excitement for the morning. How about we wash up and then try and get some lunch and relax for a little while?"

They all readily agreed to that plan and left the petting zoo behind in search of a place to eat and slow the racing of their hearts.

**A/N. I have an irrational fear of petting zoos. The animals scare me. Anyway, let me know if you liked this chapter!**


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N. Thanks so much for all the support in the last chapter of 'How to Save a Life'. I really hope I never sounded ungrateful because I am incredibly grateful to you guys. I didn't get any suggestions as to how I can improve so I guess that's a good thing? I hope I can keep giving you quality chapters to read because you all deserve it. Thanks again! I don't own anything.**

"We have to wash our hands," Logan said with a look of disgust on his face. "Animal germs are yucky. Especially you and me, Carlos, because I had a lot of food to give them and you hit the mean goat. I don't want to eat with yucky stuff on my hands."

Carlos nodded and took Logan's hand, pulling him over towards a hand washing station that was at the petting zoo's exit. "Here we go, Logan." he said, stepping aside. "You first. Then when we're all down, we'll go get something to eat."

"Good, I'm so hungry!" Logan said as he ran his hands under the faucet, rubbing them together so vigorously and with so much soap, that soon there was a small mountain of bubbles in the sink. "Look!" he said with a laugh. "Look at all the bubbles!"

"I see them." Carlos smiled and waited patiently. It was a relief to stand still even if it was only for a very short while. He was still a little shaken up by what had happened just minutes ago with the goat. Logan hadn't been hurt at all but he could have, and Carlos couldn't stand the thought of any of his friends being in pain, especially Logan.

Kendall and James joined them and Logan finished washing his hands to go over and talk excitedly about what they would do next. It seemed the goat incident had already slipped his mind and he was ready to move on. So they smiled for his benefit and then finished cleaning up. "All right," Kendall said, glancing around. "Let's look for some lunch. In the mood for anything in particular?" he asked his friends."

"Nope!" Logan shook his head and then glanced at Carlos and James to see them do the same. "You pick, Kendall!"

"Okay," Kendall nodded and then looked around, trying to see any signs past the thickening crowds. He kept glancing nervously back at Logan who was between James and Carlos, watching him expectantly. "Let's walk a little. I don't see anything right here."

The going was a little slow because of all the people, but no one really minded. Carlos and Logan chatted animatedly about the characters they still had to meet while Kendall looked for food and James just looked. They backtracked a little, heading to Cinderella's castle because they at least knew that food was somewhere around there. The rest of the huge park was still a mystery to them.

Kendall had honestly spent most of the time there, trying not to think about how massive the park was and how easily Logan could get lost again. Even though James and Carlos were both holding tightly to his hands, Kendall didn't dare take his eyes off of him when they reached really crowded places near rides or other attractions. So he was relieved when at last, he spotted a string of restaurants in New Orleans Square, right after the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. "Here we go!" he said, attraction his friends' attention. "Let's go. . ." he tried to judge which was the least crowded. "To Cafe Orleans."

They walked inside and to their surprise, found an empty table right away. Logan sat down and gazed out the window. "Can we go to the pirate ride after we're done eating?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure," Kendall nodded. "Sounds like a good idea to me."

A waiter came then and handed them a handful of menus to look over. "All right, Logan." James scooted his chair closer to Logan and opened one of the menus. "Here we go. Why don't you take a look at this to see what you want."

Logan looked doubtful. "What if I can't read some of the words?" he asked. "Are you going to cry?"

Logan's blunt question stunned the rest of them into a brief silence. Kendall recovered first. "No, Logan." he said quickly. "We'll be fine. But you have to practice every day, remember? We'll help you if you need it, but first try by yourself." He leaned over Logan's shoulder, watching him closely.

James was still trying to think straight when Carlos kicked him gently in the lower leg and mouthed the words, "Are you okay?" while Logan and Kendall were absorbed in reading the menu. James shrugged his shoulders and gave Carlos a half smile, pleased when his friend let him off the hook.

Soon, the waiter came back with their drinks and took their food order. Logan was very pleased with himself when he ordered without any help and spent the entire time that they waited for their food, looking at the colorful map of Disneyland, pointing to the places he wanted to go the most. "Pirates of the. . . Car. . .bean?" he glanced up at Kendall for approval.

"Good try, bud." Kendall ran his finger under the word. "It's Caribbean. See the the I?"

"Right," Logan hardly looked looked fazed at the gentle correction and was clearly determined to read another name without Kendall's name. "What about this one?" he asked, stabbing at a random point in the map. "Splash Mountain, right?"

"Right!" Kendall exclaimed, giving Logan a high-five. "Awesome job!"

"You pick one." Logan shoved the map over to Kendall and waited.

Kendall turned the map over so that he didn't have to read upside down, and scanned its contents with a critical eye. "Here," he said finally. "This one right here."

Logan took the map back and stared at the indicated spot. "Um, Inventions?" he guessed, looking extremely uncertain.

"Try again." Kendall encouraged. "Sound it out."

"In. . .no. . .ven. . .tions. Innoventions!" Logan looked proud and then confused. "Is that even a real word?"

Even Kendall didn't know for sure. "I think it might be a word they made up for here. It looks like it's a combination of inventions and innovations." He shrugged. "That's just my guess. But great job, Logan. You're right again!"

Logan grinned and then looked down at the map. "Carlos, your turn!"

Carlos caught the map just before it slid off the table and looked at it. "Right here."

Logan bit his lip in concentration, studying the long string of words. "Davy Crock. . .ett's Explorer Canoes. Right?" He flushed in pride when Carlos gave him a thumbs up. "I'm learning real fast, huh?" he asked happily.

"Yes, you are." Kendall smiled. "We're really proud of you, Logan. You've been doing really well."

"James?" Logan asked. "Can you pick something for me to read?"

In all honesty, James _hated_ to help Logan read. It was a painful reminder of the long tutoring sessions he had given for James for his history classes. Those days were another lifetime ago and over for good. James would never even think to share his thoughts with anyone but he wished that their food would come soon so that the spur-of-the-moment reading could come to an end.

"James?"

He accepted the map from Logan and ran his eyes over each and every word, trying to find one that wasn't too easy or too hard. Something in the middle. "Here," he said at last. "What about this one, Logan?"

The word was short but Logan was confused by its unfamiliarity. "Uh, I don't know."

"You can do it," James heard himself say. "Look at it again. Sound it out in your mind and then say what you think it might be. Don't be afraid of being wrong."

Logan was encouraged by James' words and bent over the map again, his nose nearly touching the paper. "Auto. . . like a car, right?" He waited for them to nod and then went back to the map. "Auto. . .pia. Autopia?"

"Right!" James reached one arm around his friend and gave him a tight hug. "See, I knew you could do it! It's another word that they made up here but I knew you would be able to read it anyway."

"I did, didn't I?" Logan grinned. "Soon I'll be able to read everything and I won't need help anymore. I'll be able to do everything all by myself again one day. You'll see."

No one could think of a response. Thankfully, the waiter returned with their food, making Logan very happy and giving the other boys to think over Logan's words while they ate. Kendall couldn't help but think that one of the worst parts of Logan's recovery process was judging how much he could handle. It was a fine line and he was terrified of crossing it for fear of Logan having a setback. Just how much would Logan recover and how much would he be able to do on his own? He couldn't imagine ever leaving him on his own again but what if something happened to him? To all of them? Where would Logan go?

It was an irrational fear, Kendall knew. The chances of his family and Carlos' family and James' family all being unable to care for Logan were very slim. But they were still there. Kendall didn't want some random strangers taking Logan in and he didn't want him living in some awful facility. He picked at his sandwich, only half listening to Logan's plan for the rest of the day, that involved them going to all the places he had just read out on the map.

"Kendall!" Carlos snapped his fingers in front of Kendall's face and looked at him in concern. "You okay, man?"

"What?" Kendall snapped to attention. "Oh. Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about something. What's up?"

"What were you thinking about, Kendall?" Logan asked, curiously.

He hated to lie to Logan but how could he possibly tell him the truth? Kendall glanced desperately at James, hoping the other boy would get his message and create a diversion to distract Logan.

James responded instantly by brushing the map onto the floor, bending to retrieve it, and straightening up right into the table. "Ow!" he cried, rubbing the shoulder he had hit.

"James, are you okay?" Logan asked anxiously, joining his friend on the floor. "I'm glad you didn't hit your head. That would have been even worse." He sighed and shook his head. "You and Kendall really do need helmets."

"I'm fine, Logie." James smiled brightly. "Just my shoulder. No big deal." He stood up and pulled Logan to his feet. "You ready to get going?"

Kendall blinked. "Already?" he asked, looking around the table. The plates were all empty and he hadn't even noticed. "Wow, that went by fast." He stood up. "Where to first then? Wait, did we pay?"

"I took care of it." James said, brushing off any oncoming protests from Kendall. "Let's go. Logan wanted to go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, remember?" He took Logan's hand and started moving through the crowded restaurant, knowing that Kendall and Carlos would be right behind them.

"Doing okay?" Carlos asked as they headed back out into the sunshine. "You seemed kind of distracted during lunch?"

Kendall shrugged, his eyes on Logan and James a few feet up ahead. He quickened his pace as he spoke. "I'll tell you guys later." he said quietly, knowing that this was something he should probably share instead of keeping it inside himself until he snapped and hurt someone again.

The four boys met up again in front of ride that to their surprise, didn't have a huge line. "Must be because everyone's eating lunch." James suggested, glancing at his watch to see that it was just 1:00. They had eaten a little earlier and now it looked like they could use that to their advantage. "Cool, we won't have to wait long for this."

"I can already see the boats!" Logan cried out, pointing ahead. "Look. We can all go together again!"

Kendall sighed in relief. He had already discovered after a few hours that he much preferred the rides that they could all go on together, instead of splitting up in pairs. He just hoped Logan never wanted to go on any sort of solo ride. "All right, let's go!"

James tightened his grip on Logan as they neared the water's edge. "Careful, Logan." he warned, nervously. "It's pretty slippery here." As if to prove that, he felt his right foot slide out from underneath of him just enough to set both of them a little off balance. "Thanks," he said to Kendall and Carlos who steadied them instantly.

"Ready, boys?" the ride operator asked them with a friendly smile. "Who sits where?"

"Kendall, sit in the front, because you're the leader. I'll go next and then. . ." he frowned and turned to Carlos and James in deep thought. At last, his face lit up with a solution. "James, you sit in the way back because you're the tallest. That way me and Carlos will be safe since we're so short."

"Good plan, Logan." James smiled and climbed in the back. "Let's go, guys!" he called, staring at the dark tunnel straight ahead.

The others climbed in and settled down, Logan wrapping both arms tightly around Kendall's waist. "It's dark," he commented. "I'm a little scared."

"We're with you, Logan." Kendall assured him, even though the faint noises ahead were beginning to unnerve him. He hoped that whatever they were wouldn't scare Logan even more. "Just close your eyes if you get scared and that way you can pretend you're asleep." He felt Logan's head drop down on his shoulder and reached down to pat his knee. "I got you, Logan."

"I know," Logan said with a small sigh. He relaxed a bit when he felt Carlos' strong arms around him from behind. "I hope it gets lighter though." He fell silent, listening to the noises. "That sounds like a waterfall."

James nearly groaned out loud, wishing that it wasn't dark so they could at least see where they were going. It sounded like there was a drop nearby although he couldn't tell where exactly or how high it was. He wished he could be closer to Logan even though he knew he would be perfectly fine between Carlos and Kendall.

Carlos leaned forward, straining his eyes in the dark, trying to see what lay ahead for them. Suddenly, the front of the boat dipped and they fell. It wasn't a far drop and Logan didn't even cry out. But Carlos heard him gasp in fright and he tightened his hold on his friend. They landed with a small splashed and around the corner, Carlos could see a light. "Logie, you're okay. It's over."

"I k-know." Logan stammered. "That w-was a little scary but it was really f-fun too!"

They rounded a corner and came upon a small village where pirates appeared to be raiding the houses. Kendall felt like smacking himself when a video recording played the terrified screams of the victimized villagers and the evil laughs of the pirates. He felt Logan's arms cling tighter to him and he knew that the younger boy was afraid.

"It's all right, Logan." James said from behind Carlos. "It's just pretend."

Logan merely nodded and stared with wide, frightened eyes at the scene before him. "It's still a little bit scary." he admitted. "But you'll take care of me."

That was when their boat chose to come to a sudden stop. They were all jolted forward very slightly and Kendall hurried to steady himself so he could help Logan. "What was-"

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The ride has encountered a slight malfunction. Please remain seated while a solution is found. We apologize for the inconvenience."

That was when James really did groan and then he cursed slightly under his breath.

"James, that was a bad word!" Logan said, sounding horrified.

"Sorry, Logan." James sighed and looked around him. "I can't believe this." he said for Carlos' ears alone.

"Why are we stuck?" Logan asked, forgetting James' language. "Are we going to be stuck here forever?"

"No way, Logan." Kendall said quickly. "I'm sure they'll be able to get it started any minute." He turned slightly in the boat so that he could face Logan. Logan's face was pale and he was trembling in fear. "Come here, buddy."

Logan went willingly into Kendall's arms and closed his eyes. "I don't want to be stuck here," he said quietly. "It's noisy and scary. The pirates are so mean."

"Just keep your eyes closed, Logan." Kendall told him, rubbing his back. "It's not as scary when you can't see it."

"But I can still hear it!" Logan said sadly. "I don't like this ride very much."

It wouldn't have been that bad if they had at least turned the sound effects and music off. But the same screams and laughs played over and over again Kendall wanted to scream himself. "You know what I do when I'm scared?" he asked Logan.

Logan lifted his head and peeked cautiously at Kendall. "N-no. What?"

Kendall took a deep breath. "I sing." Then, without giving it another thought, he started to sing one of their old songs. His voice was shaky at first and with a start, he realized that he couldn't remember the last time he had sang. It sounded strange in the middle of all the stupid pirate sound effects but almost immediately, he felt Logan relax against him.

Carlos joined him first, sounding hesitant in the beginning, almost as if he had forgotten the lyrics or even how to sing in the first place. But gradually, his voice grew stronger and then he nudges James encouragingly.

"Sing too, James!" Logan urged, looking hopeful. When James could only stared at him, Logan astonished everyone by singing himself. "Oh no, I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I know for sure. One is good, but four is better. It took sometime to get here, It's better late than never."

**A/N. Well. He got the lyrics right this time. I'm going to go. . . I don't even know. Cry maybe. I made them get stuck on the Pirates ride because that's what happened to me like, seven years ago and we were stuck there for almost an hour and it was awful sdgldgthtrhty. Anyway. I love you all. So much. Have a wonderful night!**


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N. I think I jinxed myself in my author's note for "How to Save a Life." Llalala. Oh well. Start the countdown all over again. Thanks once again though for all your beautiful support that made me smile. I love you guys! And. . . I still don't own anything. **

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The ride has encountered a slight malfunction. Please remain seated while a solution is found. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Logan's face was lit dimly by the special effects in the cave and his annoyance was easy to see. "I wish," he said, looking up at Kendall. "That they would stop saying that and just fix the ride. Or at least turn the noises off. They keep playing over and over again. I wish we could just sing."

In spite of himself, Kendall smiled at Logan's words. "Sounds like a good idea to me, Logan." he replied, relieved to see that Logan was no longer afraid. He too, was getting tired of hearing the same recordings over and over again. They had been stuck on the ride for nearly forty minutes now and at this point he felt like just jumping out of the boat and wading through the waist deep water to the exit.

"I think I have everything memorized," Logan laughed and quoted a pirate's line along with the pirate himself. "See?"

While the forty minutes they had spent waiting had seemed to improve Logan's tolerance for their situation, the same could not be said for the other boys. Kendall glanced over Logan's shoulder to see Carlos looking murderously over at a mechanized dog that had been barking and whining constantly. Behind him, James was obviously having similar thoughts of escaping. "That's great, Logan." Kendall said tiredly when he noticed that Logan was waiting for him to respond. "You sound just like a pirate."

"Kendall, are pirates real?" Logan asked, staring at the figures off to the side. "If they are real, are they all mean like these pirates?"

"I think they are real," Kendall told him, recalling all the stories he had heard of cruise ships being attacked by modern day terrors. "And unfortunately, I think they're all mean."

Logan looked disappointed but unsurprised. "If I were a pirate," he said, turning around to address Carlos and James as well. "I would be the nicest pirate ever. I'd be like a Robin Hood pirate. I would steal from rich people who have plenty of money and give it to the poor people who have no money. I wish everyone would just share their money so everything would be even. It would be better that way."

"It sure would," Carlos agreed, tearing his gaze away from the dog. "You would make a great Robin Hood pirate." He smiled at the thought of Logan stealing anything from anyone but if it were at all possibly, it would happen. He would steal from the rich and give to the poor. And if he got caught, he would surely explain his way out of trouble.

"And you can all be my merry men!" Logan had completely forgotten where they were and all of their surroundings as he sat up, looking excited at the impossible prospect. "That's what Robin Hood's friends were called, right? And then there was Little John." He frowned thoughtfully. "Who would be Little John?" he asked.

"I don't know," Kendall said lamely, trying to think of why Logan seemed to know everything about the legendary hero.

"I can be Little James, and Carlos could be Little Carlos, and Kendall could be Little Kendall." James offered from the back of the boat. "And you could be Logan Hood. Or. . . Robin Logan."

Logan laughed again. "James, it would be Logan Hood, of course!" he said, obviously delighted that one of his friends was playing along so much. "I guess there can't be a Maid Marian though, huh? I don't have a girlfriend." He seemed to ponder this for accuracy's state rather than his own personal life. "Do you guys think I'll ever have a girlfriend?"

Kendall's eyes locked with Carlos' and James'. Their expressions showed him that they felt the exact same way he did in that moment: Sad. Afraid. Angry. Confused. And so many other emotions that Kendall didn't even know what to make of them. What could any of them say?

"Because," Logan said, when their silence stretched on for too long. "I'm so different. You guys are my best friends but do you think a girl will ever love me for who I am? Like, if I don't get better?"

A minute ago, they had been laughing over Robin Hood. Now, Kendall felt his heart snapping in half. He was almost positive that there was an audible crack that he could just hear over the persistent sound effects. "Logan-" he finally began, tears filling his eyes, despite his best efforts.

Just then, the ride restarted with a sudden jolt that sent James into Carlos and Carlos into Logan and Logan into Kendall, creating a small domino effect. Kendall steadied them all and then straightened up. "It's about time," he said with a sigh while he continued to think of an answer to give Logan.

The ride was over a couple of very short minutes and the boys were greeted by several apologetic Disneyland employees. "Sorry about the wait," the man who seemed to be in charge gave Logan a hand and pulled him safely to solid ground. "Anyone hurt?"

Kendall shook his head mutely and went to stand by Logan's side, watching closely as James and Carlos were helped out. "Were we the only ones who got stuck?" he asked, surprised.

"There was another boat that was closer to the exit so we got them out on foot." the man told him. "Here. Take these for your troubles. I'm really sorry you had to wait so long."

Kendall glanced down in surprise to see four Fast Passes. The cards would get them on the rides a lot faster but they still seemed like annoying cop-outs after being stuck in the same ride for close to an hour. "Thanks," he said, mustering up enthusiasm that he didn't feel. Briefly, he wondered what would happen if they got stuck on anther ride for an extended period of time. Would they just give them special name tags and send them to the very front of the lines then?

The odd thing was the fact that it wasn't the waiting time that had bothered him the most. It had been the nonstop, headache inducing voices, sound effects, and music that had really gotten to him. The same noises over and over again until he had grown genuinely afraid of losing his sanity. Why couldn't they have turned it off? It seemed like such a simple thing to do. Why would they keep it on anyway? It made more sense that way.

"If that ever happens again," Logan said wisely. "You should maybe turn the sound off. It gets a little annoying. I mean, I don't mean to hurt you." He spoke quickly, trying to get the men to understand without offending any of them.

Kendall saw their pitying stares and flinched away, taking Logan's hand in his. "Thanks for these," he said, waving the Fast Passes, a fake smile on his face. "We're going to go use them now." He spun around quickly before the strangers could see his tears. He hated pity.

Logan trotted patiently alongside Kendall, but after a short while, it was clear that he couldn't keep up with Kendall's quick, angry pace. "Kendall, slow down!" he pleaded.

Immediately, Kendall stopped, causing Logan to step on his heel. "Sorry, buddy." he said with a sigh. "What do you want to do next?"

But Logan knew that something was bothering Kendall. "Is what I asked you earlier making you sad, Kendall? Because if it is, you don't need to worry about it. I don't care if a girl will love me or not. I have you and James and Carlos and Mommy and Katie. I don't need anyone else."

It might have made Kendall feel better if it wasn't so obvious that Logan was lying. He wanted to lie himself and pretend that he believed Logan. But he couldn't ignore this. "Logie," he said firmly as he drew him off to a spot in the park that wasn't terribly crowded. "I believe that one day, you're going to find a girl who loves you for who you are. No matter what happens. Just like we love you except different."

Logan looked doubtful but curious at the same time. "You mean like someone I'll marry?" he asked skeptically. "Kendall, I can't marry."

Kendall's heart felt like it couldn't break any more in that moment but it did anyway. Even without looking at them, he knew that James and Carlos felt the same way. "Logan," he said softly, ignoring the ache. "You can do anything."

* * *

"Let's go on a ride now," Logan suggested as they walked away from Chip and Dale. They had spent over an hour just walking around the huge park, collecting various character autographs while they recovered from their experience in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Logan had accepted Kendall's belief in him with an unconvincing act and then changed the subject, asking if they could take a break from the rides. They had let it go because it didn't seem like the right time or place smack in the middle of Disneyland, surrounded by strangers. Now it seemed like he had completely forgotten the conversation altogether.

James wished they could forget it just as easily. He watched Logan walk ahead with Carlos and Kendall and thought about his future. What waited for him? For all of them, but mostly for Logan? Though his therapist Emma insisted that he could make a partial or even complete recovery, James could not imagine it happening. Not enough for Logan to have to kind of future that he deserved.

Logan deserved to be the valedictorian in their graduating class for high school. He deserved to go to medical school and graduate with the highest honors possible. He deserved to be a doctor. He deserved to meet a beautiful, smart woman and fall in love with her and marry her and have a family with her. He deserved so much.

James stopped walking when he felt Logan at his side and heard him talking. "What's up, Logie?" he asked, taking note of Kendall's and Carlos' tense faces. "Is everything okay?"

"Will you go on that with me, James?" Logan asked, pointing.

Disneyland had to be the worst place in the world. James stared to where Logan was pointing. Autopia. It was some car ride from what James could gather as he tried to see past the crowds. He gulped and looked back at Logan who was watching him hopefully. "I don't know, Logan." he said, already feeling awful. "It looks. . . crowded."

"But we have those special tickets!" Logan reminded him. "Remember? The ones we got after the pirate ride. We can go to the shorter line. Please, James? After this we can do whatever you and Kendall and Carlos want to do. I just really want to ride this one."

James wanted to go home. He was tired of Disneyland and its long lines and stupid goats and broken rides. He certainly did not want to go on a car ride of all things. Especially with Logan.

"Please?" Logan said again. "I'll drive, James. I'll be really careful and you won't have to be afraid. I promise." As he spoke, he let go of Kendall's hand and took up James' hand, holding it tightly.

"Logan, Carlos or I can go on with you." Kendall broke in, seeing just how reluctant and afraid James was.

But Logan shook his head. "I want James to go with me," he said pleadingly.

"James," Kendall took his friend aside while Carlos distracted Logan. "You don't have to do this. Remember what his therapists say about giving him everything he wants. It's not a good idea for us or for him."

James stared after Logan and nodded. "I know," he whispered. "But. . . how bad can it be? It looks perfectly safe."

Kendall knew that the ride probably was perfectly safe. Logan would be fine. But that really wasn't the point. Kendall wasn't worried about Logan. He was however, worried about James who was staring at the innocent looking ride like it was going to explode at any minute. "I'm sure it is safe," he said carefully, taking note of the way his voice startled James after too long of a silence. "But that doesn't mean-"

"It's just a ride," James interrupted Kendall like he had forgotten about him and was just talking to himself. "Look at all the little kids in the line. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just a ride, not the real thing. I can do it. I'll be fine. I. . . I probably should do it. Because it'll be like moving on in another way, you know? It's-"

"Just a ride," Kendall finished with a sigh. James was failing miserably at hiding how nervous he was. "Exactly. And if it makes you that worried, then you shouldn't have to go through with it."

"James," Logan approached them, looking concerned. "If you're scared, we don't have to go. But you don't have to be scared. I'll drive. That way we won't crash."

To his surprise, not to mention the shock of Carlos and Kendall, James laughed. The sound had no humor in it at all though and when he fell silent and sobered up, his eyes looked suspiciously bright. "Okay, Logan. Let's go then."

The worst part was that they didn't have to wait in line. Not with the stupid Fast Passes. James would have loved to stand in the longest line ever so he could have time to prepare himself for the car ride of horror. Maybe they would have had to wait too long and the park would close down before they ever got the chance. But they had no such luck much to Logan's delight.

"Wow, that really was fast!" he declared as he gently pulled James forward to the front of the line where he was presented with a very fake driver's license with the name Sparky. "James," Logan turned to look at his friend. "Didn't Carlos have a pet turtle named Sparky?"

"Yeah, he did." said James, surprised the Logan remembered such a random detail of their life.

"He drowned in the dishwasher," Logan went on to say as he walked around the the driver's side of the car. "We gave him a funeral. Climb in, James."

James shook his head, clearing his haze and sat beside Logan. "Okay," he said, looking at the car they were sitting in. It was red, small, and compact. He actually couldn't tell if it was supposed to be from the future way back in the past. There was a track that all the cars were apparently set on and he found this to be a relief. How bad could it be?

It was slow and that was the only thing that James liked about it. The ride was so jarring that his teeth clanked together on numerous occasions and he didn't even want to think about what it was doing to Logan. Logan enjoyed it very much though, laughing every time they crashed into the side barriers and then glancing apologetically over at James.

"I guess I'm not a very good driver," Logan said over the constant noise of the ride.

"You're f-fine," James assured him, grateful for the ever present helmet on his best friend's head. "The road is rough, that's all." The concrete road where the car was on a track. Regardless, the car ahead of them where a five year old was driving, seemed to be bouncing even more. So James had to assume that it could be worse.

That didn't stop him from being grateful when the ride was finally over. He still wasn't a fan of cars, real or. . . whatever they had just driven in. He forced a smile on his face when he saw that Kendall and Carlos were waiting anxiously for them. "Hey," he greeted. "Logan is a pretty good driver."

"James helped me," Logan said modestly. "But he still didn't like it very much. So, what do you guys want to do now?"

It was on the tip on James' tongue to say that he wanted to go home and sleep. But they still had quite some time before it got dark and the firework show would start. Then they always had the next day. He sighed and glanced at his other friends who both sighed. "Let's get something to eat," he suggested, realizing how hungry he actually was.

They wandered around until they found an ice cream shop. It was a relief to sit down after all the wild bumping and jarring and noise. Logan was perfectly content with a small chocolate cone and gazed out the window where they could see Cinderella's castle. "I don't like Cinderella very much," he said, out of nowhere.

"Why not, Logie?" Carlos asked, curiously.

"Because," Logan shrugged. "I don't like very much of the Disney princesses and princes. They all fall in love too quickly and only because they're really pretty or handsome. I like Belle best. From _Beauty and the Beast_. I like the Beast too. They spend lots of time with each other and fall in love in a more real way. Belle doesn't care that the Beast isn't normal." He sighed and looked at the castle again. "Maybe there's a Belle for me."

* * *

Carlos had no idea when Logan's sudden preoccupation with marriage had come from, but he didn't like it. It was painfully clear to see that Logan doubted his own future because of where he was in the present. It was just as clear the the older he got, the more miserable Disney made him feel with their fairy tales that ended happily-ever-after no matter how dark the stories got in the middle.

It had been an extremely long day that Logan had enjoyed. And for the most part, Carlos was pretty sure that he and Kendall and James had enjoyed themselves too. It would have been a lot better if they didn't have Cinderella, Jasmine, Ariel, and the rest of the Disney crew, parading around with annoying smiles on their faces. That part wasn't real. It was just an act.

Logan was getting tired, his bad leg beginning to drag behind him in a noticeable limp. But he stubbornly refused Kendall's offer to rent a wheelchair for the day and just seemed perfectly content with taking more frequent breaks. He was given a new energy when the sky had started to grow dark and all around them, people started to mention fireworks. "Where should we go?" he asked, picking up his gimpy pace.

"Take it easy, Logan." Carlos cautioned. "We have plenty of time to find a good spot." He scanned the fold-out map that they had been carrying around all day, eyes darting back and forth between the paper and Logan. Just in case. "Look, they have special places marked on the map where you can see the fireworks best. Let's just go to the place we're closest to."

All day long, Logan had been going back and forth between and three of his friends. For whatever reason, he decided on Carlos as they headed to a place to sit and wait. He took the map away and gave to it Kendall, sliding his hand in Carlos' and holding on tightly. "Let's go then!" he said cheerfully.

The park had been getting crowded as the day wore on and now that night was coming, everyone seemed to thinking of one thing. The fireworks. Carlos gripped Logan's hand tightly as they were soon separated from Kendall and James. "Don't worry, buddy." he said over the noise. "We'll find them. I'll call Kendall once we find a seat and then they can come to us."

"I hope they're together," Logan said, looking anxious and worried. But he said nothing more and simply trusted Carlos as he was led through the crowds and attractions, finally finding a spot in the park that was entirely unoccupied.

"Okay, sit down." Carlos instructed, lowering himself onto the grass. "I'll see where Kendall and James are now." He scanned their surroundings, looking not only for his other friends, but a landmark as well so he could tell them where he and Logan were. He had just started to dial Kendall's number when Logan stood up.

"Look! There they are!"

"Logan, wait-" The words died on Carlos' lips as he shot up to his feet and hurried after Logan who had darted into the streets again. He lost sight of him for a second and panicked because one second was all it took. "Logan!" he shouted, not even bothering to hide the fear in his voice.

"Carlos! I've got him!" James appeared then, holding onto Logan so tightly that it would have been impossible from anything to break their grip. "Kendall's here too. He was just behind me. Carlos, it's okay."

Carlos would only believe James when he saw for himself that Logan was unhurt. "Logan," he sighed. "Don't scare me like that. You could have gotten lost again."

"I'm sorry, Carlos." Logan said sadly. "I promised you that I wouldn't wander off and I did." He let go of James and stepped forward to hug Carlos. "I'm really sorry. I don't think as much as I should and it makes you sad and scared."

"It's okay, Logan." Carlos sighed, holding Logan close. "Just as long as you're okay." He stared at James over Logan's shoulder and relaxed when the taller boy gave him a thumbs up. "All right, let's sit down and stay there until Kendall-"

"Sorry about that," Kendall said breathlessly as he joined his friends. "Man, it's getting crazy out here." His quick eyes assessed the situation. "Is everything okay?"

Carlos nodded. "Just fine. Come on. Logan and I found a great spot."

Soon they were all seated on the grass, close together. Logan seemed to want to make up for leaving Carlos for the split second that he did, and curled up against his friend, laying his head on his shoulder. "Today was really fun," he said softly.

"Yeah, it sure was, buddy." Carlos gave Logan a one armed hug and then kept his arm over Logan's shoulders, protectively.

The first firework shot off, getting oohs and ahhs from the crowd. Logan started at the colors before turning back to Carlos. "And this is the perfect way to end it," he said in satisfaction. "I love fireworks and I love my friends."

Carlos smiled at Logan's simple statement. "You're right," he told him, glancing over at Kendall and James who seemed tired but happy. "It was a good day and this is the perfect ending."

He just wished that they could have a more permanent happy ending.

**A/N. I declare National Unicorn Day to be June 28th. Just so you know. Have a happy fourth of July!**


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N. I was going to say something relevant to this story, but I forget. I fell asleep around 1:00 last night and woke up at 5:30 so I'm super tired and stupid. Um, I don't own anything.**

Home at last. James sighed in relief as he swung the door open and stepped aside to let his friends inside the apartment. He smiled when Logan rushed past him to where Mrs. Knight and Katie were waiting eagerly to greet them. "We're home" he announced tiredly.

"Hey. Buddy." Kendall knelt down and scooped the excited puppy up in his arms. "Man, you're getting too big to carry. Hi, Mom. Katie."

"We missed you boys," Mrs. Knight said as she let go of Logan to hug Kendall. "How was Disneyland?"

Logan sat down on the couch and was instantly joined by Buddy who squirmed out of Kendall's arms to sit with his owner. "Disneyland was lots of fun!" he said happily. "We went on lots of rides and saw lots of Disney people. Oh, and we saw really awesome fireworks last night!"

"What was your favorite ride?" asked Katie, sitting down next to Logan and Buddy.

"Um," Logan frowned in concentration. "I liked them all. I think I liked this one Buzz Lightyear ride best because we sat in these spaceship looking things and spun around and shot at aliens. That was a lot of fun. I liked the pirate ride too but it was a little scary and we got stuck on it for a long time. My favorite part ever was the fireworks."

James saw with Kendall and Carlos across the room, watching and listening as Logan told his mother and sister about everything from reading the map to the mishap at the petting zoo. "I'm okay," he said quickly when he saw their concern. "He just bit my jacket. It ripped a little but Carlos said you could fix it. You can fix it, right?"

"Of course I can, Logan." she replied gently. "I'm glad you didn't get hurt." She pulled him gently into her arms and held him close. "I'm glad you had so much fun but I'm also really glad that you're home now. I missed my boys."

Logan smiled and snuggled up closer. "We missed you too," he told her." And Katie and Buddy. Did Buddy miss me?"

"He sure did," Katie assured him. "He slept in your bed last night while you guys stayed overnight near Disneyland. See how happy he is now? Almost as happy as we are."

"Really?" Logan smiled in contentment and rubbed Buddy's ears when the puppy laid his head in the boy's lap and heaved a great sigh. "I had lots of fun, but I'm really happy to be home too. I missed everyone here."

"So what did you boys like the best?" Mrs. Knight asked, turning to Kendall, Carlos, and James. "Did you all like the fireworks and the Buzz Lightyear ride the best?"

James laughed a little. "Yeah, I have to admit that the Buzz Lightyear ride was really cool." He was being completely honest. It was a safe and predictable ride but it had also been far from boring. _Toy Story _had been one of his favorite movies when he was younger and he had enjoyed the ride much more than he thought he would.

"Logan and James went on that one more than anything else," Carlos said with a grin. "We also had contests to see who could shoot the most aliens. Me and Kendall against Logan and James. Guess who won?"

"We did!" Logan proclaimed triumphantly. "Me and James. Every time. But Kendall and Carlos almost won a couple of times too. We were all really good." A giant yawn prevented him from going into greater detail and he laid his head on his mother's shoulder. "And now I'm really tired."

"I bet you are," Mrs. Knight said affectionately as she kissed him gently on the forehead. "You've had a very busy two days and it's almost 11:00 at night right now. How about we all go to bed and tomorrow you can tell us more about Disneyland. Does that sound like a good idea?"

Logan looked relieved as he nodded quickly. "Yeah, 'cause I'm real tired right now. I might fall asleep right in the middle of telling you something important and then forget all about it tomorrow." He hugged her and then Katie before standing up, disrupting Buddy who jumped back down to the floor looking mildly disgruntled.

Kendall stood up at the same time and met Logan halfway across the room, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Come on, little bro." he whispered softly. "Let's get you to bed."

"I have to finish saying goodnight to everyone," Logan reminded him sleepily. He ducked carefully out of Kendall's hold and walked over to where James and Carlos were still sitting. "Night,"

"We'll come with you, Logie." Carlos said, standing up quickly. "We're tired too. I think we all are." He led the way into the bathroom where they all prepared for bed by brushing their teeth and washing their faces.

"What about out suitcases?" asked Logan when he finished and stood in the doorway to watch his friends finish up. "They're all full of clothes."

"They'll be fine until tomorrow," Kendall assured him. "They only have our clothes from yesterday and pajamas. We'll take care of them tomorrow when we're more awake."

Logan rubbed at his eyes and nodded. "Okay," he said around another big yawn. He smiled at Carlos and James and stepped forward to hug them. "Goodnight," he said again. "I'll see you both again tomorrow."

James smiled as he wrapped his arms around Logan. "Night, Logie. I'm glad you had lots of fun."

Logan pulled away and nodded seriously. "I had so much fun, James. Thanks again."

"Sure thing, bud." James yawned then and turned to go to his and Carlos' bedroom. "See you guys in the morning."

Kendall took Logan's arm and gently led him to their room. "Whew, I hope we stay at home all day tomorrow."

"Me too," Logan agreed. "We can stay home and watch movies and play games. Maybe you can teach me to read some more." He sat down on the edge of his bed and watched Kendall closely. "I like it when you teach me, Kendall."

Kendall pushed away the sadness that wanted to cling to him and smiled at Logan. "I like teaching you too, Logan." he said quietly. "We'll see what happens tomorrow, okay? Lay down for now and try to get some rest."

Logan obeyed, allowing Kendall to pull the covers up, close around his shoulders and under his chin. "That won't be too hard," he mumbled, burying his face into the pillow. "I'm so tired that I feel like I'll sleep for five days straight."

Kendall readjusted the blanket so that it rested more comfortably over his friend. "I hope not," he said, trying to smile even though the thought of Logan sleeping for so long brought back bad memories. "We'd miss you a lot."

"I'd miss you guys too," Logan told him. "I think it would be really boring to sleep for so long. I'll wake up tomorrow, don't worry. I promise."

"Good," Kendall said in satisfaction. He stood up, patting Logan one last time on the shoulder. "See you then, Logan."

"Night," Logan said sleepily, already drifting off into a dream land.

Kendall sighed when he laid down on his own bed, incredibly grateful to finally be home. Disneyland had been a lot of fun even with all the incidents but it had also been absolutely exhausting. Now that they were home, he hoped they could relax for a while before whatever happened next. It just felt right.

* * *

The sound of rain beating against the window woke Kendall a couple of hours later. He groaned and turned over so he could look out the window just in time to see a brilliant flash of lightening. It was followed by a loud crash of thunder and instinctively, he glanced over at Logan's bed.

"Kendall?" Logan was awake and seemed to sense Kendall looking at him. His voice was just a whisper and could barely be heard over the wind and rain and thunder, but his fear was obvious.

"Hey, Logie." Kendall whispered back. He stood up and went over to Logan, hugging him close and rubbing his back. "Are you doing okay?"

Logan shook his head and hid his face in Kendall's shirt, away from the storm. "I'm scared," he admitted. "It's really noisy outside and it's raining really hard and it's also really windy." He took a deep breath and let it out in a shuddering sigh. "I hate the lightening too. I had a nightmare."

Kendall tightened his grip in a reassuring squeeze. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I don't know," Logan said hesitantly. "It was scary but it was confusing too. All I remember is thunder and lightening and rain and it was also really cold because I was wet even though I wasn't outside. Then there was a loud crash that wasn't thunder and then everything got really dark and I started hurting a lot."

Concerned, Kendall pushed Logan away so he could see his face, illuminated by the near constant flashed of lightening. "You don't remember anything else?" he asked, confused by Logan's dream. The vagueness but strange familiarity left him feeling uneasy. It was no wonder that Logan was so upset.

A tiny sob escaped Logan and he shook his head. "No, and that's the scariest part. I didn't know what was happening."

Kendall sighed and drew Logan close to him again. "Okay," he murmured gently when the younger boy started to cry softly. "It's okay, Logan. You're awake now. I've got you. You're safe, I promise." He rocked back and forth, settling into an easy rhythm as he continued to whisper words of comfort to Logan.

"Kendall, is Logan okay?" A shaft of light fell across the floor to reveal James and Carlos standing in the doorway, looking worried. James walked over and sat on the edge of the bed and set his hand on Logan's back, rubbing it in soothing circles. "What happened?"

"Want me to get your mom?" Carlos offered hesitantly.

Kendall shook his head. "Nightmare," he whispered over Logan's head. "He'll be okay soon I think. Come here, Carlos."

Carlos obeyed instantly and sat next to James. "Hey, Logie," he said quietly. "You okay, buddy?"

"I'm s-scared," Logan said in a shaking voice. "The storm is so noisy and it reminds me of my nightmare because it's so dark and noisy.

Carlos stood back up and flicked on the light, wincing a little. "There," he said, returning to his friends. "Is that a little better?"

Kendall could feel Logan relaxing in his arms and smiled in relief when he nodded. "There," he said with a sigh. "Thanks, Carlos. See, Logie? We're right here."

Logan looked up at him, his pale face wet with tears. But he smiled then, looking more at ease with every passing second. "I know," he said, resting his head on Kendall's chest. "I'm feeling better now that it's not dark anymore." He cringed slightly when a loud clap of thunder seemed to shake the entire apartment building. "I'm still not that scared anymore," he promised them quickly.

"Good," James gave his shoulder a squeeze. "We're all really glad, Logie."

"What time is it anyway?" asked Logan, blinking sleepily.

"Um," Kendall craned his neck to see over Logan to the nightstand. "Almost 3:00 in the morning. Too early to be up for the day, buddy. Why don't you try and go back to sleep."

Logan looked up shyly. "Will you stay with me until I fall back asleep?" he asked hopefully.

"Absolutely," Kendall promised. "Lay down." He shifted in the bed, propping himself up against the headboard while still holding Logan. "Close your eyes now. We won't leave."

James and Carlos positioned themselves on Logan's other side, Carlos with his hand on Logan's shoulder, and James holding Logan's hand, both of them, talking quietly to their frightened friend.

Surrounded by his friends, it was impossible for Logan to remain frightened. He shut his eyes and laid his head on Kendall's chest, sighing deeply. "I have the best friends ever," he said, yawning sleepily. "I love you guys."

Kendall ran his fingers through Logan's hair, knowing that Logan found the gesture to be extremely comforting. "We love you too, Logan. Very much."

Soon, Logan was fast asleep once again despite the fact that the storm had apparently reached the height of its fury and was unnerving the other boys. "Kendall," James whispered, his eyes on the sleeping Logan. "Is everything okay?"

It didn't take a genius to know that James was asking about Logan's nightmare. "It was confusing," Kendall admitted, feeling Carlos' and James' worried stares. "He said it was raining and he was wet and cold even though he wasn't outside. It was windy too and there was thunder and lightening. Then he said there was a crash and it got really dark and he started hurting. That's all he remembered."

"Poor Logan," Carlos sighed sadly, shaking his head. "Way to be welcomed home from Disneyland. I hope he stays asleep. He needs to rest after everything we did." He glanced at the door and then back at Kendall. "Think I should turn the light back off?"

Kendall thought carefully, his eyes on Logan. "I don't think he'll wake up again. He's out right now. Why don't you turn it off and see what happens? He might have another nightmare and wake up scared but we're here. We'll just turn it on again and he'll be okay."

Carlos nodded and stood up to turn the light off, bathing the room in a relaxing darkness. He stared out the window for a few seconds before going back to his friends, sitting next to James with his back against the wall. "It _is_ pretty scary out there," he admitted.

James kept his hand in Logan's, but lifted his free arm and put it around Carlos' shoulders. "It'll be okay, buddy." he said softly. "Just go back to sleep. Want me to sleep in Kendall's bed or on the floor so you can lay down?"

Carlos shook his head quickly and rested his head on James' shoulder, his eyes closing. "No, I'm okay. I'd rather you stay."

Kendall smiled in the darkness, happy to see all of his friends so content. Of course the cloud of sadness still hung over their heads but they had finally found a lasting sense of peace and even though Logan had shown extreme vulnerability that was abnormal for a seventeen-year-old, they were still together and in one piece. He couldn't help but feel proud of how far they had come.

* * *

"Kendall? Can you wake up, please?"

Kendall's eyes opened and he tried to turn to see Logan. He winced when his neck ached from the cramped position he had been in all night long. "What's up, Logie?" he asked, yawning as he struggled to wake up.

Logan flushed a little. "I have to go to the bathroom," he admitted, looking embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up but. . ." his eyes strayed downwards to where Kendall's arm was a heavy weight over him.

"Oh!" Kendall released Logan and sat up. "Sorry about that, buddy." He watched Logan leave and then lifted a hand to rub at his aching neck. He glanced over at the alarm clock to see that it was nearly 9:00 in the morning. "That's more like it," he said to himself.

He turned carefully to look at James and Carlos who both looked like they were going to be even worse off than he felt. He had at least been able to lay down while the two of them had fallen asleep, sitting up against the wall. A rush of guilt flooded Kendall and he winced in sympathy for his friends.

"Sorry," Logan said again as he came back into the room. "Are you okay, Kendall?"

Kendall smiled and nodded. "I'm fine, Logan. Don't worry about waking me up. It's time to get up anyway." He pointed to the clock and asked Logan, "Do you know what time it is right now?"

"Um," Logan followed Kendall's finger and frowned, deep in through. "8:57?"

"Right," Kendall gave Logan a high-five and then stood up. "Nice job." He stretched his arms over his head and yawned again. "Did you have anymore nightmares?" he asked warily.

Logan shook his head. "Nope. I slept real good. What about you?"

Kendall chuckled. "I slept just fine, thanks. And hey look, the storm is over."

"Oh, good." Logan walked over to the window and peered outside. "Wow, everything sure is wet. We should go puddle jumping. Can we do that, Kendall?"

Before Kendall could answer, Carlos had woken up just in time and broke into the conversation. "I think that's a great idea, Logan. I bet Buddy will love it too." He looked carefully over at James and gave him a gentle nudge. "Wake up, sleepyhead."

James' eyes opened slowly and he looked around. "Is it morning this time?" he asked, sitting up very slowly. "Man, my neck is really stiff." he murmured as he turned his head from side to side, experimentally.

"Mine too," Carlos said, mimicking James' actions. "Must have been the way we slept. Anyway, nothing some puddle jumping won't cure."

"Oh yeah," James snorted in laughter. "Puddle jumping solves so many ailments. We'll probably just all come down with colds." He stood up though and grinned. "Let's go then!"

**A/N. Lalala. I still don't remember what I was going to say at the beginning of this chapter. I'll go see if I can get a nap in before I have to make dinner. I need a hug. Can I have a hug? I love you guys.**


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N. Hey, guess what! This story is finally coming to an end! Whoo-hoo! I'm thinking no more than sixty chapters. We'll see. I don't own anything.**

Over time, it did eventually get somewhat easier to work with Logan without breaking down each day. James no longer required therapy and took the opportunity to spend every waking moment with Logan who was extremely pleased with the new arrangement. Together, they worked with Kendall and Carlos to reconstruct the broken pieces of Logan's mind, knowing full well that it might never be the way it was, but determined to never give up.

In a way, Logan was the same as he had always been since he was so quick to learn the basics of reading, writing and math. He was an easy student for his friends, bright and eager to learn as much as possible as quickly as possible. His drive came from both the desire to learn and the desire to please those around him.

Days passed as did the weeks and even the months. The cool weather was exchanged for warm and finally the sweltering summer heat. As much as Logan loved to learn, he was delighted when Kendall declared he would get a summer break just like his brothers. "Now," he had said when Kendall first gave him the news, "You guys can teach me stuff like how to fish and climb trees and fun stuff like that!" So they did, letting go of Logan just enough to give him the freedom he needed to gain more independence, but never enough so that he might get hurt again.

The one thing that had them worried was his fear of storms. He had never loved storms but this was different. He cried and hid under the covers whether it was during the day or night. Often, he cried himself into a restless sleep only to awake soon after with vague, unsettling nightmares. No one could figure it out and it was a constant cause for concern.

So when the sky blue sky grew gray sometime after dinner in late July, everyone was instantly worried. At the suggestion of Mrs. Knight, the boys tried to distract Logan with movies. And at first it worked. Logan was enthralled with _The Lion King_ when right in the middle of young Simba's declaration of what it would be like when he was king, there was a particularly great flash of lightening followed by a deafening clap of thunder. The lights flickered and then went out.

Kendall was suddenly knocked to one side when Logan threw himself at his friend with a frightened cry. "Logan!" he called just loud enough to get the other boy's attention. "Buddy, it's okay. You're safe. We're all right here."

"Kendall," Logan sobbed, tightening his hold. "I'm scared! It's too dark in here!"

James stood up quickly and fumbled his way carefully to the kitchen. "Are you guys okay?" he whispered to Mrs. Knight and Katie.

"We're fine. How's Logan?" Mrs. Knight was clearly worried as she listened to James crash around the dark room. "Top drawer next to the fridge."

"Thanks," James sighed in relief when he pulled out two flashlights and handed one to his best friends' mother. "He's scared but I think he'll be better once he can see. Coming?"

Together, they walked slowly back into the family room where Kendall and Carlos were still trying in vain to comfort a terrified Logan. "Logan, sweetie." Mrs. Knight murmured gently, sinking down on the couch beside Logan who moved from Kendall's arms to hers once he saw that she had a flashlight. "It'll be okay, honey."

"Mommy," Logan whispered, growing a little calmer now that he had a source of light. "I don't like the dark and this storm. Will it stop soon?"

"I don't know, baby." Mrs. Knight whispered, running her fingers through his hair. "But I do know that we'll be safe here, okay? Just relax. Everyone's right here with you and we aren't going to leave. I promise."

Katie, who had been watching the exchange with wide, tear filled eyes, slipped her hand inside Logan's and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Hey, big brother." she whispered. "I'm a little scared too."

That caught Logan's attention and he looked up from where he had buried his face in his mother's shoulder. "It's okay, Katie," he said softly. "I'll protect you. You don't have to be afraid." He held put his arms for a hug which Katie willingly accepted.

Carlos sighed in relief when it was obvious that the worst of Logan's fear was over. Distracted by the desire to make Katie feel better, he was no longer thinking of his own terror anymore. He smiled at the two of them, Logan comforting Katie. It looked so perfectly natural. He couldn't even bring himself to wish that it was real because it was so close to what it should be. "That's it," he said encouragingly. "You'll take care of all of us, won't you?"

Logan nodded and even smiled, his pale face illuminated by the reassuring glow of the flashlight and occasional flash of lightening. "Yup. Because all of you always take such good care of me. It's my turn now."

Buddy wandered over from where he had been asleep in Logan's and Kendall's room and rested his head on Logan's knee. His presence added to the peaceful atmosphere and he even made Logan laugh when his quick pink tongue lick his owner's offered hand. Sighing in contentment, the puppy laid back down at Logan's feet, closed his eyes, and was soon fast asleep.

Logan chatted to Katie, in obvious attempts to distract her, about everything he could think of. He told her how earlier in the day he and James had gone fishing and had caught a box turtle, an old boot with eighty-seven cents in it, and one tiny catfish that they had thrown back in "so he could grow nice and big".

Though the storm never once even let up, Logan grew more and more relaxed until finally, at a little after 10:00, he was clearly too tired to care much at all. "I'm sleepy," he said with a yawn. "Are you feeling better now, Katie?"

Katie smiled and nodded. "Much better. Thanks, Logan." She leaned forward and kissed him gently. "I think I'll go to bed too. I love you."

Once they had all said their goodnights, Logan and Kendall, followed closely by Buddy, trooped off to their bedroom, more than ready for a peaceful night's rest. After making sure that Logan was fast asleep, Kendall gave Buddy one last ear rub and crossed the room to his own bed. He was asleep minutes after his head hit the pillow.

* * *

An enormous clap of thunder woke Kendall up out of a sound sleep. He sat up, heart pounding, his breathing heavy. Outside, the storm had gotten even worse. Rain was falling so hard that Kendall couldn't see out the window. Wind blew viciously, howling at a terrifying volume. Thunder and lightening crashed and flashed with such a regularity that it almost sounded and looked like some sort of weird performance with the constant light and noise. Instinctively, Kendall glanced over to Logan's bed.

And saw only Logan's bed. He froze, the storm outside completely forgotten. Logan wasn't there. Kendall scrambled to his feet, eyes remaining riveted on the empty bed. "Logan," he whispered, fear making his mind slow and his voice quiet. Then it hit him. Logan was missing. "Logan!" he yelled.

It was only a matter of seconds before there was a thudding of feet and the door burst open, light flooding the room. Kendall only had time to register that his mother, sister, Carlos, and James were all there before he was assaulted with question after question, each of them demanding to know where Logan could be. "I don't know" he cried out, tears filling his eyes. "I-I, didn't hear him leave and Buddy. . ." he looked around the room, only then realizing that Logan wasn't the only one who was missing. "He's not here either."

"Do. . . do you think he got out somehow and Logan woke up and went to go find him?" Katie asked, eyes wide with pure terror. "Mom, what are we going to do?"

"I'm going to call the police." On the outside, Mrs. Knight was the picture of calm. But she could fool no one. They all knew that on the inside, she was just as afraid as they were. She left the room hurriedly and they could hear her, talking tearfully to the police.

"I'm going to go find him," Kendall decided. He paused long enough in his mad rush to stuff a blanket and Logan's jacket inside his backpack.

"K-Kendall," James stammered as he watched.

"Stay here," Kendall ordered, even though he knew that neither James or Carlos would listen if they could help it. "My mom will probably take the car to look for Logan and someone needs to stay here with Katie and in case Logan comes back."

"But Kendall!"

Kendall didn't hear the rest of Carlos' words. He turned and fled from the room, taking care to avoid his mother so that she wouldn't try to stop him. He ran down the stairs, looking for Logan as he rushed into the hotel lobby. Nothing. Not a sign of him or his dog. "Why?" he asked whoever might be listening.

There were so many questions. Where was Logan? Why had he left? Where was Buddy? Why had he left? Were they even in the same place? Was Logan okay? Kendall's first thought was what Katie had suggested. That Buddy had wandered off and Logan had woken up, found him gone, and had gone in search of him. But why hadn't he woken anyone else up? Why hadn't anyone heard him?

Despite the fact that it was July, it was freezing outside. It had to be the rain, pounding down with a violent force. Kendall was drenched before he made it to the curb. He stood for a while, helplessly lost. Now he knew how James had felt, losing Logan and not having a clue where to look first. Except that then, Logan had been lost in the zoo in the middle of the day and now he could be absolutely anywhere in the city of Los Angeles at three in the morning.

Tears mixed with the rain as Kendall walked on. "Logan!" he shouted. "Logan, where are you?" Nothing. There was no response. Kendall choked on a sob and staggered forwards, straight into a parked car. "Logan," he whispered as he began to lose what little control he had. "Logan, please."

He didn't know how long he sat there in a puddle of dirty, cold, rain water, crying for his lost brother. "Please. I can't lose him. I need him. We all do. Please let him be okay." He fell silent then, waiting for what he wasn't quite sure. Then, finally, he heard it.

A dog barking. But it wasn't just any dog. It was Buddy, Kendall was sure of it. He stood up, still unsteady on his feet. He leaned on the car and strained his eyes, hoping to see the dog. "Buddy, where are you, boy?" The dog only barked and Kendall's heart leaped because he knew. He knew that Buddy was with Logan. But why wasn't _Logan_ answering Kendall's frantic calls? Was he hurt? Was he- no. Kendall shook his head and set off in the direction of Buddy's bark.

He walked a block and a half before he was nearly knocked over by a soaking wet dog. "Buddy!" he gasped, holding tightly to the eager animal. "Buddy, where is he?"

"Kendall?"

The familiar voice, though it was filled with fear, was the most wonderful sound Kendall had ever heard in his entire life. He turned quickly to the left, feeling a relief that nearly made him collapse when he saw a huddled figure on the ground, pressed tightly against an alley wall. "Logie," he whispered, running over and dropping to his knees.

"Kendall," Logan cried, lunging forward into Kendall's waiting arms. "Kendall, you found me!"

"Logie," Kendall repeated. "Logan, thank God. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Logan shook his head and let go of Kendall long enough to hold his arms out for inspection. "No. I'm just wet and cold and tired. I used to be scared but now you're here. I'm not scared anymore."

"Okay," Kendall breathed, his tears slowing as he held onto Logan. "Okay. I'm here now, Logan. I'm going to call Mom now and she'll come take us home, okay? Here, put this on." He tore Logan's jacket from his backpack and helped Logan into it, then wrapped the blanket around him. "There," he said, rubbing his shoulders. "There we go. That's better now, isn't it?" When Logan nodded, he withdrew his cell phone from his pocket, ignored the eleven missed calls he had, and called his mother.

"Kendall!" Mrs. Knight's voice interrupted the first ring. "Kendall, where are you?"

"Mom, it's okay." Kendall said quickly, hating himself for making his mother cry. "I found him. I found Logan. He's right here. He's fine. He's not hurt." When his mother demanded to know of their whereabouts, he quickly looked up at the intersecting street signs and rattled them off to his mother.

"Okay, sweetie." She sounded calmer already. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes, okay? I love you both."

Kendall hung up and closed the phone, sliding it back into his pocket before he wrapped his arms around Logan and pulled him close. "I've got you, Logie." he murmured gently.

"Is Mommy mad at me?" Logan asked quietly.

"No way, buddy." Kendall shook his head. "She was just scared, that's all. We all were."

"I scare lots of people, don't I?" Logan asked, his voice full of sorrow. "Does that make me a bad person, Kendall?"

"Logan, you are a wonderful person and don't ever forget or doubt it okay? Just. . . why did you run off this time?"

Logan sighed and rested his head on Kendall's shoulder. "I had another bad dream," he whispered. "I know what it was about now. The accident."

Kendall's heart skipped a beat and then restarted. "The accident," he repeated. "The accident you and James were in?"

But Logan shook his head. "No. The accident me and my mommy were in a long time ago. I remember it now. It was dark and windy and rainy and cold, just like tonight. I had a dream and I thought that I could hear her calling for me. So I went to go find her. But I didn't. I can't find her. She's dead. But I got lost then and I didn't know what to do. Buddy found me and stayed with me and now you're here."

Kendall tried to absorb all that Logan had told him. It all made sense now. Logan had been dreaming for months now of the accident that had taken his mother's life when they were just six years old. When he had wandered off, he must have been sleep walking. It was only because of Buddy that no harm had come to him. Kendall glanced down at the dog, wanting to hug him, but too busy holding onto Logan for dear life. "Good boy," he praised softly as a car screeched to a stop at the curb.

"Logan! Kendall!" Mrs. Knight jumped out into the rain and fell beside the boys, pulling them both into her arms. "Oh, Logan, I was so worried, baby!" Her sharp eyes, inspected both of them for any injured, filling with relieved tears when she could find none.

"I'm really sorry, Mommy." Logan said sadly.

"Logan," her voice quieted as she sought to comfort him. "It's all right, Logan. As long as you boys and Katie are all right, nothing else matters. Everything will be fine. Come on now. Let's get home."

Logan and Kendall huddled close together in the backseat, enjoying the warm heat the blasted from the vents as Mrs. Knight drove home through the sheets of rain. "I've got you," Kendall told a worn-out Logan when they stopped in front of the apartment. He carried Logan through the door, past the curious stares of those that had woken up during the commotion and straight up to their room where Katie, James, and Carlos were waiting.

"Logan!" James was the first to greet the, taking Logan from Kendall's arms and carrying him to the couch where they all gathered together as close as possible. "Logan, we were so scared. Are you okay?"

Logan nodded and held tightly to James' hands. "I'm okay," he said meekly. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to scare everyone so much. I really didn't. Honest."

Kendall nodded along with Logan's words. "I'll explain later," he whispered to them.

"Hey, Logan." Carlos seemed to sense that Logan needed someone to calm things down. "We sure missed you, buddy. Stay with us from now on, okay? Forever?"

"Forever and ever," Logan promised sleepily.

**A/N. I'm having a Harry Potter week and everything Snape does and says is making me cry. I'm seeing the last movie next Friday. The Prince's Tale will be the end of me. It was nice knowing all of you.**


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N. Guess what, guys! We have officially reached the beginning where C1 first started off. Took me long enough, wow! This chapter is incredibly short but I had enough trouble with it so. Anyway, "How to Save a Life" is on hold for now. I don't own anything.**

"James!" Logan sang out cheerfully. "I finished feeding the ducks!"

James looked up and wiped away his tears, smiling as Logan joined him on the grass. "Hey, buddy." he said softly. "Did they eat all of the pretzels?"

Logan nodded, a wide, content smile on his face. "Of course they did! They always do. Hey, James, can we eat our pretzels now?"

"That's a great idea, Logan." James picked up the paper bag and set it between them before opening it. The smell of warm soft pretzels hit the air and made his stomach growl. He hadn't realized until now just how hungry he was. He handed one of the pretzels to Logan and then took the other for himself. "Hey, Logan," he said, gazing in concern at his best friend. "How's your leg feeling?"

"Fine," Logan shrugged. "It doesn't hurt at all, James." He hit the knee firmly a few times with the palm of his hand.

"Logan!" James' hand shot out and stopped Logan. "Don't do that, buddy. If your leg isn't hurting, you don't want _make_ it hurt, right?"

"Right," Logan said with another nod. "Sorry." He left his leg alone and concentrated on eating his pretzel. "James, do you think Carlos will come soon?"

James had forgotten all about Carlos and a pang of guilt hit him. "I don't know, Logie." he said casually. "I'll text him and see where he is right now. If he can't make it, then we'll have to try again another day soon. Maybe even tomorrow. We can always have fun with everyone at home, right?"

"Uh-huh," Logan finished his pretzel and leaned to rest his head on James' shoulder. "We can play games when we get home. Maybe _Candyland_ or a harder game that will make me smarter. What do you want to do for now?"

"Hang on a second, Logan." James typed out a quick text message to Carlos before answering Logan. "Yeah, that sounds good to me. We'll play whatever you want first and then one of us we'll pick another one. Sound fair?"

"Yup," Logan craned his neck to look at James' phone, waiting for Carlos' reply. "So for now?"

James' phone vibrated it and instead of answering Logan, he showed him the phone.

Logan's brow furrowed in concentration as he read the message from Carlos. "Finished at the dentist," he said slowly. "Be there soon. Is that right, James?"

"Perfect," James declared with a smile. "Awesome job, Logan. You're really getting the hang of everything we've been teaching you. We're proud of you." He brought an arm around his younger friend and pulled him into a close hug.

"Thanks, James." Logan said quietly. "You all help me so much. You're always so patient and nice to me. I have a question though. Can I ask you a question, James?" He looked incredibly worried and before James could say yes or no, he added, "Do you like the old me better or the new me better?"

A lump grew in James' throat and he blinked back more tears, swallowing hard. "Logan," he choked out. "I've never loved you any less no matter who you've been. To me, you'll always be my best friend and no matter how you think you might change, it will never matter to me."

Logan shifted so that he could wrap both arms around James, holding onto him tightly. "You're the best," he whispered. "You and Kendall and Carlos and Mommy and Katie. I love you guys too and you make me so happy."

"Logan," James started to ask before he took the time to think better of it. "Can I ask _you_ a question now?"

"Of course," Logan said immediately. "You can ask me absolutely anything, James."

In spite of his fear, James smiled. "Thanks. Um, Logan, have you ever hated me because of the accident we got in?" The words came quickly, so rushed that he wasn't even sure if Logan had understood everything. He hoped he hadn't. He wished that he had never opened his mouth.

But of course Logan had heard and understood every single word. "James," he said seriously, almost looking like the "old" Logan. "I have never hated you and I never will. It was an accident and even though it hurt me real bad, I think it hurt you worse. That makes me sadder than anything else. I've never even been mad at you. Remember when I got lost at the zoo after I promised to stay with you? And then remember when I sleep walked and got lost again?"

"I wish I didn't," James whispered, hugging Logan closer. "I was so scared both of those days, Logan. The thought of losing you and not finding you. . . or of you getting hurt again, or-" He broke off and shook his head. "You mean so much to me, Logan."

"Well," Logan's voice was still soft as he spoke, hoping to comfort James. "Remember when I thought you might get mad at me?" He watched James nod and then gave him a small smile. "I made mistakes those times, James. Just like you. We all make mistakes. But it'll be okay as long as we learn from them."

"You're right. Thanks, bud." James smiled and drew Logan closer to him. A rare sense of peace came over him and he laid down, staring up at the sky. Logan joined him a second later and together, they watched the clouds, looking for shapes.

"Mind if I join in?" Carlos' voice surprised both of them as he knelt down on James' other side. "Hey, guys. How's it going?"

"Carlos!" Logan sat up and leaned over James to hug Carlos tightly. "You made it! We missed you a lot! We were watching clouds, do you want to watch them with us?"

"Sure!" Carlos grinned and laid down next to James. "Hey, he said, nudging his friend's shoulder and speaking low enough that Logan couldn't hear him. "You okay?"

James knew that he probably looked like he had been crying. But the peace had only increased since Carlos' arrival and he smiled and nodded. "Yeah," he whispered back. "I'm just fine."

"I wish Kendall could be here," Logan said with a sigh. "We'll have to look for clouds with him next him, okay? Look! There's a bunny!" He turned slightly so that he was closer to James and pointed up in the sky. "See him?"

"Yeah, we see him, Logie." James smiled again. "You're really good at this, you know." He watched as Logan blushed and shrugged modestly and the sight made him smile even more. In a matter of minutes, he felt Logan's head grow heavy on his shoulder and he glanced over out of the corner of his eye to see that the younger boy had fallen asleep on him.

"Is he asleep?" Carlos asked, reading James' mind.

"Yeah," James carefully put his arm back around Logan and held him firmly. "He was up early and we've been pretty busy today."

"What did you guys do?" Carlos asked curiously.

"Well, we walked here, Logan fed the ducks which always takes him a while because he makes sure that all of them get something."

Carlos chucked softly. "Sounds like our Logie," he said fondly.

"Yeah," James agreed, smiling again. "Our Logie. Anyway, then we ate our pretzels and- Wait, a second, Carlos are you hungry at all? Have you had lunch?"

"No to both questions," Carlos grimaced slightly. "Dentist remember? Going there always makes me lose my appetite."

James nodded. "Well then, eat something when we get home okay?"

"Yes, sir." Carlos laughed. "So then tell me about the rest of your day."

"Um," James thought. "We talked. We talked about what we would do when we got home and. . ."

"James?" Carlos asked when his friend was quiet for too long.

"He asked me if I liked the old him or the new him better." James admitted sorrowfully. "I told him that nothing ever changed the way I felt about him. How much I loved him. How much we all love him."

Carlos reached out and tentatively touched James on the shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to be alone for that," he said gratefully. "But I also think that you did a really terrific job too. I couldn't have thought of a better answer myself and I don't think Kendall could have either. It was perfect, James. Just what Logan needed to hear."

"Thanks, Carlos." James sighed. "It helps to hear that, it really does." Though the peace had yet to leave, his eyes filled with tears and he brushed them quickly away. "I never could have done any of this without you guys. You know what I've been thinking about lately?"

Carlos watched as James turned again to Logan, his eyes filled with so much pain but at the same time, so much care and love. "What?" he asked, already fearing that he knew the answer.

James reached out with his free hand and brushed a smudge of dirt from Logan's forehead. "I was thinking," he said slowly. "How it's August. In a couple of weeks. . . it'll be one year since the accident."

"Oh," Carlos blinked back his own tears. "That's what I thought." he admitted softly. "It's been a hard year, hasn't it? We almost lost you and Logan a few times. But now. . . now I think we're all settled in a little bit. As much as we possibly could, anyway."

"He's getting better, isn't he?" James asked suddenly. "Logan. Maybe not back to the way he was. . . before. But he is getting better. He knows more and remembers more. It's getting easier too. Every day. It still hurts a lot but. . . not as much as it used to. Now I just know to focus more on Logan and how glad I am that he's still. . . with us. You know?"

Carlos nodded. "I'm proud of you, James. How far you've come. It hasn't been easy for any of us but I know it's been the hardest on you. I remember how scared we all were when you confessed that you wanted to. . . you know, kill yourself. I guess that it wasn't really surprising but hearing you say it made it real and so much worse."

"It's been a long time since I felt like that," James said truthfully. "Thanks to you guys. Carlos, I don't think I've ever thanked you for how you always stuck with me even when Kendall. . . was mad at me. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to have you there even though I didn't tell you what was going on with me. It still helped."

"I think we've all taken our turns helping each other," Carlos said thoughtfully. "And that's why we've made it. As long as we keep living like this, then we're going to be just fine."

"I know," James whispered. "I really do know that now." He and Carlos were fell silent and stayed that way for quite a while. Suddenly, he realized that the sun was beginning to sink lower into the sky. "We'd better get going. It's getting late and everyone will be getting worried. Besides," he looked sternly at Carlos. "You have to eat something."

Carlos grinned and stood up, pulling out his phone so that he could text Kendall that they were on their way back. "Fine with me."

James grinned back and sat up, turning to Logan. "Logie," he called gently. "Wake up, buddy."

Logan blinked up at him and yawned. "Did I fall asleep?"

"Yeah, you did." James smiled as he helped Logan up. "Come on. Let's go home."

**A/N. Okay, I really do not like this chapter at all but it had to happen so I'm sorry for that. I hope to update soon!**


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N. So last night I watched "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" and Snape was all like, "Turn to page 394." and I was like "SOB". I'm a mess. I don't own anything.**

The park was empty except for the three boys as they too, left for home. Carlos glanced at the darkening sky and adjusted his pace so that he could walk right next to James and Logan. "Hey, Logan," he said softly, watching his friend in concern. "Are you okay?"

Logan gave him a smile but there was pain in his brown eyes. "My leg hurts a little bit," he admitted. "But I'm okay, Carlos."

"Want me to carry you a little bit?" James was quick to offer. "Or we can call Kendall and ask him to come pick us up. Want to do that?"

"James," Logan said with a sigh. "It's not going to make my leg worse if I walk right now. It just might hurt a little more. But if I never walk on it, then it will never get stronger. That's what Mark tells me when an exercise hurts to do when I'm at therapy."

Carlos watched James bit his lip, frustrated for so many reasons. Logan only met with Mark and Emma once every two weeks now but it was still a reminder of just how long lasting Logan's injuries were. Even now, nearly a year later, Logan's leg continued to bother him on occasions. They could help him learn and remember but they couldn't take away the psychical ache that he suffered from.

"Well," Carlos said in what he hoped was a cheerful tone. "Soon we'll be home and you can rest then, Logie. We can all rest."

Right," Logan nodded in agreement and then glanced up at James. "Does that sound okay, James?"

James sighed and forced a smile. "As long as you're okay, Logan. I guess you're right about getting your leg stronger. I just wish you didn't have to hurt."

Logan grasped James' hand tightly and gave it a firm squeeze. "You're so nice, James."

Carlos had just answered a text message from Kendall, assuring him that they didn't need a ride when he looked up. The intersection by the park was busy with cars driven by people eager to get home from work. He held out an arm, stopping Logan even though James had already tugged him backwards a few steps. "Whoa," he muttered, taken aback by the heavy volume of traffic.

"That's a lot of cars," Logan said, clearly impressed. "Are they all going home, Carlos?"

"Unfortunately," Carlos muttered. He sighed and cringed as a sports car whizzed by at a particularly alarming speed. "Okay, Logie. Hold both of our hands." Still staring at the cars, Carlos fumbled for Logan's free hand and gripped it tightly. "Ready?"

Logan seemed to sense how serious Carlos and James were and simply nodded without speaking. He gave each of them gentle squeezes and then waited for further instructions.

At last, the light changed and it was safe to cross. Still holding onto Logan as tightly as possible, Carlos started forward, James and Logan right by his side. They almost made it to the other side.

As they passed the halfway point, Carlos felt himself relax. There wasn't a car in sight and after this intersection, they wouldn't need to cross any dangerous streets. But his sigh of relief was interrupted by the roar of an engine, followed by the screeching of brakes. Whirling around, Carlos gasped as a black SUV careened around the corner and straight toward him and his friends.

There wasn't really enough time to react. Even though Carlos could see the whole thing as if it was happening in slow motion, it was still happening way to fast. Desperate, he pulled roughly on Logan's hand only to have it slip from his grasp. He staggered toward the curb, fell to his knees and then turned to watch the rest of the scene play out before him.

Panicked, James had given Logan a hard shove and Carlos could only watch in horror as both of them fall to the ground, the car missing them by inches and speeding by without a second glance. Logan's head struck the pavement with a sickening thud while James landed awkwardly on his left arm in an attempt to break their fall. "Logan!" the terrified teen cried out as he scrambled to his feet and rushed to his fallen friends. "James!"

James was already rolling over and onto his knees, clutching his wrist to his chest as he knelt over a motionless Logan. "Logan!" he screamed, every single rational thought completely gone. "Logan!"

Carlos reached them in seconds and was only just aware of a woman who had witnessed the entire thing, dialing 911 on her cell phone. "James," he gasped out, not knowing what else to say or do.

"His helmet!" James cried out, frantic. "Where's his helmet? He had it when we left this morning! It's not here! We left it at he park somewhere! He wasn't wearing it! He wasn't wearing his helmet, Carlos!"

"James," Carlos said again. "You. . . you have to calm d-down. It's not going to h-help Logan is we're-" Carlos broke off suddenly, choking on a sob as his eyes strayed from James to an unconscious Logan and the bloody gash on his unprotected forehead. "Logan," he pleaded. "Can you hear me, buddy? Open your eyes, please, Logan."

The wail of sirens interrupted Carlos' and James' pleas that continued to go unanswered by Logan who showed no signs of life except the slightly unsteady rise and fall of his chest. As the ambulance pulled up to the curb and the EMTs jumped out to help, Carlos witnessed James fall completely apart.

"No!" he yelled when one of the paramedics tried to take him away from Logan. "No, I can't leave him! Logan! Let me go, please! I need to be with him!"

"Son, you need to calm down," the man advised him. "We're going to help you and your friends but you need to let us."

"No," James sobbed. "The last time I left him alone, he didn't come back. Not all the way. What if he doesn't come back at all this time?"

Another paramedic approached Carlos and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Hey, sweetie," she said softly. "Are you hurt at all?"

He could only shake his head, too scared to speak. Tears streamed down his face as he watched Logan, hoping for a response, and listened to James continue to scream and cry and fight against the EMTs. Suddenly, there was a whimper followed by an abrupt silence. Carlos tore his blurry gaze away from Logan and looked for James. "What's the matter with him?" he cried out when he saw James laying as motionless as Logan on the street while two paramedics strapped him to a stretcher.

"We had to give him something to calm him down," one of them explained. "He's still conscious if you want to talk to him.

Since Logan was surrounded by experts who could take better care of him than Carlos could ever dream to, he crawled over to his other friend and grasped his good hand. "James," he whispered, trying to see through his flood of tears.

"Carlos," James slurred. His face was white with pain and fear but the sheer terror in his hazel eyes was dimmed as the medication ran through his veins. "Carlos, stay with Logan. Don't leave him. Don't let him leave. Please."

"I won't," Carlos whispered. "I won't, James. I promise. I won't leave you either."

A tiny sob shook James as the paramedics lifted him into the back of the ambulance. "You should," he whispered brokenly. "You would all be safer without me."

"No," Carlos said, gripping his hand tightly. "James, you just saved Logan's life."

"He might be gone anyway," James cried irrationally. "Carlos. Carlos, it's happening all over again."

Carlos wanted so desperately to say something that would comfort James. But he realized, as he climbed into the ambulance, between two of his best friends, that the only thing that he could say that would bring that comfort, might not be true. Everything might not be okay.

* * *

Kendall was waiting with his mother and Katie when the phone rang. Expecting it to be James or Carlos, Kendall was confused when the Caller ID displayed the name and number of Lakewood General Hospital. Then he realized what was happening and snatched the phone up. "Hello?" he said so loudly that Katie looked up from her video game.

"Hello, this is Doctor Ronald Carver calling from Lakewood General Hospital. Is this the Knight residence?"

Kendall couldn't breathe properly. He shot to his feet, wavering unsteadily, and stumbled into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. "Yes," he whispered, ignoring the worried looks he was getting. "This is Kendall Knight."

"Mr. Knight, I'm sorry to inform you that there's been an accident involving your friends Carlos Garcia and James Diamond as well as your younger brother, Logan Mitchell."

Kendall couldn't stand for long. His legs gave out from underneath him and he sank into a kitchen chair, griping the phone with a white knuckled hand. "An accident," he repeated as a numbing feeling washed over him. "What kind of accident? Are. . . they okay?"

There was a pause and then the doctor spoke up again. "I'm afraid I can't give you too much information over the phone. It's best that you come over as quickly as possible."

"Okay," Kendall breathed, hanging up the phone without a goodbye. He glanced up at his mother and spoke in an eerily calm tone. "We have to go to the hospital. Logan, James, and Carlos were in an accident." Then, without another word, he stood up and walked out of the apartment, not even looking over his shoulder to see if he was being followed.

Once he made it out to the car However, the keys were taken gently away from his mother. "Sweetie, I don't think you should be driving like this," she said in a soft tone as she have him a careful shove. "You're in shock."

Shock. Maybe that explained the buzzing in his ears and the numb feeling throughout his entire body. Kendall nodded and walked over to the passenger's side of the car. He heard Katie crying and asking him if Logan and Carlos and James were okay but even if he knew the answer, he wasn't so sure he could tell her. "I don't know," he finally managed in a whisper. "They didn't tell me anything."

As Mrs. Knight sped down the highway, Kendall leaned forward as if it would make them go even faster. His mind was spinning in what seemed like a hundred different directions. Logan. James. Carlos. Logan. Was he being a terrible friend by being more concerned for Logan than James or Carlos? With a helpless sigh, Kendall raked his fingers roughly through his blonde hair and stared out the window. What had happened? Maybe it was the fear of the unknown but he couldn't even think of any possibilities. All he knew that all of them had been taken to the hospital. All he knew was that it couldn't be good.

The hospital. They hadn't been there in months, Everything had been going so well. No one was getting sick or hurt or anything that warranted a trip to the Emergency Room. The tall white building was not a welcome sight to Kendall even though he was dying to see his friends again. He was terrified of what he might find. But that didn't stop him from leaping out of the van as his mother stopped by the curb to let him and Katie out before she found a parking spot.

As soon as he ran through the double automatic doors, Katie at his heels, Kendall saw Carlos sitting by himself in the ER waiting room. "Carlos!" he shouted, not caring if he was disturbing anyone. He rushed over to his younger friend and without another word, pulled him into a suffocating hug and Katie backed up from the other side.

"Kendall," Carlos had been sitting quietly, too in shock to really react once James and Logan had been taken away from him, started to sob as soon as Kendall's arms were around him. "Kendall, James and Logan got hurt. They almost got hit by a car on our way home."

"James and Logan. . . a car? Wait, they _almost_ got hit? Meaning they didn't? Carlos, are they hurt?" Kendall felt his heart sink impossibly lower when Carlos nodded. "How bad?" he whispered.

"I-I don't know," Carlos stammered. "James. . . I think he broke his wrist when he fell. He pushed Logan out of the way, Kendall. He saved Logan's life. But. . ." Carlos trailed off and sobbed harder into Kendall's shoulder, shaking from the effort before he could find enough control to go on. "Logan hit his head, Kendall. And he w-wasn't wearing his h-helmet."

"What?" Kendall gasped weakly. He pulled away from Carlos to watch as the other boy nod. His arms fell to his side and suddenly Kendall shot to his feet and leaned over a nearby trash can to lose the contents of his stomach. His legs shook uncontrollably so that he had to grip the trash can with his hands to hold himself upright. A gentle hand started to rub his back as he heaved and cried.

"All right, sweetie." a nurse said kindly. "You want to come back with me and we'll take a look at you?"

Kendall shook his head and sat back down, keeping his head between his legs. "N-no," he said, trying to push her away even though he suddenly felt incredibly weak. "I'm. . . it's n-not me. My. . . my brother. He's here. He's hurt."

"Kendall? Katie?" Mrs. Knight rushed into the ER then and quickly found the two boys and the little girl sitting together with a worried nurse watching over an extremely pale Kendall. "Carlos! Honey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine but James and Logan aren't," Carlos said tearfully. Then, apparently forgetting that it had upset Kendall so much the first time around, he proceeded to repeat his story, this time with more graphic details. The blood on Logan's forehead. The way James' wrist had been twisted in a way that no limb should ever be twisted. James having to be sedated by the paramedics. And worst of all, the way that Logan never woke up on the way to the hospital. "But James saved his life!" the shaken boy insisted. "He would have been hit if James didn't push him out of the way!"

"Oh, Carlos," Mrs. Knight hugged him closely. "We know, sweetie. Just try and relax a little, okay? You've had a big shock. Kendall? Are you okay?"

Kendall was far from okay but since he knew that his mom was asking about his sudden sickness, he nodded. "Yeah," he croaked out, his throat aching. "I'm okay now."

"Mom?" Katie asked quietly. "When will we know?"

"I don't know, baby girl." Mrs. Knight motioned her daughter closer. "Hopefully soon." Whether the news was bad or good, it would end the torture of waiting in oblivious agony.

Thankfully, they didn't have to wait long at all to find out about James. After ten minutes, they heard footsteps coming their way and looked up to see a nurse walking with James. Kendall stood up first and hurried over to his friend. "James?" he said uncertainly.

James acted like he didn't even hear Kendall but walked right past him to where the others were sitting and sank down into an empty chair. His left wrist was encased in a black brace but he took no notice of the uncomfortable object as he leaned forward, shoulders slumped, head bowed. His face was a deathly shade of white and his eyes looked painfully red and swollen from the tears he had shed.

"James?" Carlos asked, shifting closer to his friend.

When James finally looked up, they couldn't help but recoil just slightly in shock. The expression on his face was numb and dead, the fire that Carlos had seen earlier when he had been fighting the EMTs, was gone as if it had never existed. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"James," Mrs. Knight was the first to respond. "Listen to me, James." She waited until he looked up at her and then went on. "You saved Logan's life today. You couldn't help that he got hurt anyway. You were just protecting him."

"He might be dead," James continued to talk as if he hadn't heard her at all.

"James, he would have died if you hadn't pushed him out of the way." Kendall said. He felt sick all over again at the thought because somehow he _knew _that he was right. If Logan had been hit by the car, they would have been sitting in the morgue instead of the hospital waiting room. He reached out a placed a hand on James' shoulder. "Buddy, listen to us. It's because of you that. . . Logan has a chance."

"He has a broken wrist," the nurse informed them gently. "Here's a prescription for pain pills. I'll go see if I can find out how Logan's doing, all right?" She squeezed James' shoulder gently. "Hang in there, sweetie."

Mrs. Knight thanked her and they all watched her walk away until she was out of view. Then they fell into a lost silence, wanting to comfort James, but knowing that all their efforts would be futile. Once again, Logan was his lifeline.

* * *

He felt like he was relieving his worst nightmare all over again. Except, James reminded himself, his nightmare had been real. That still didn't make it any easier to be sitting in a hospital room, waiting for Logan to wake up all over again. Even though the doctors had assured them that his injury wasn't as serious as the one that had started everything, James was afraid. The initial brain scans hadn't shown any damage but they planned to do more once Logan regained consciousness.

He was angry with himself too. No matter what anyone said, he should have been looking out for Logan. How could he have let him get hurt again? James wanted to tear his hair out and bang his head into a concrete wall but he knew it would only lead to more problems. He didn't intend to meet with a counselor anytime soon. He was getting better. He really was. But maybe the most recent accident had shaken him up and set him back a few paces.

"I'm sorry, Logie." He whispered softly, gripping Logan's hand in both of his. "I'm so sorry. I should have been taking better care of you. It's my fault that you got hurt again." He closed his eyes and let a few tears escape and then hastily wiped them away with one of his hands, using the other to keep a firm grip on Logan. "No matter what I do I always manage to hurt someone. I just wish it didn't have to be you again."

A thought came to him and it scared him. Maybe, just maybe, it would be best if he kept his distance from everyone or at least Logan. So much had happened to his friend because of his carelessness. The accident that had hurt Logan in the first place, his cutting that led to Logan's cutting, losing Logan in the zoo, and now this. James had no desire to leave Logan but maybe it was for the best after all. Maybe Logan would be safer without James hanging around him and screwing things up.

"You're wrong."

James jumped at the sound of Kendall's voice but he didn't turn around. "I don't know, Kendall." He said tiredly. "If I'm wrong then why isn't everything okay right now?"

"Everything _will_ be okay." Carlos said comfortingly as he walked over to the hospital bed and laid a hand on James' shoulder. "The doctors said that he'll be fine, James. He should be waking up soon."

James didn't say anything aloud but he knew that he would never be able to fully relax until Logan actually did wake up and he saw with his own two eyes that everything was okay. As okay as it possibly could be anyway. A lump in his throat made speaking impossible so he merely shrugged.

Carlos' hand fell from James' shoulder and came to rest limply at his side. "Kendall and I are going to the cafeteria to get something to it." He said gently. "Do you want us to bring you anything?"

"No," James managed a whisper. "No thanks." He wasn't hungry. He would eat Jell-O with Logan when he woke up. James didn't particularly care for Jell-O but Logan loved it and James would be too glad to see him awake to care about anything else.

"Hang in there, buddy." Kendall told him encouragingly. He and Carlos took one last look at Logan before leaving the room to seek out the cafeteria in search of food.

James sighed and leaned forward to rest his head on the edge of the bed. "I'd feel so much better if you would just wake up like the doctors say you will." He told the still unconscious Logan. "I miss you so much and this. . . it's just bringing back bad memories. We need you back with us, Logan. As hard as it is sometimes it's better than this. I'm scared right now. I'm scared of losing you. I don't know if I'll be able to stand losing you after all we've been through together."

Just then the limp hand that James still held closed around his fingers and caught his attention. He sat up quickly and stared hopefully at Logan's face. His eyes were still closed and he was still perfectly still but James was sure he had just squeezed his hand. "Logan?" He asked in a pleading tone. "Logan, can you hear me?"

Another gentle squeeze was his answer and James held his breath before he realized that he might actually pass out if he continued to do so. He let out the breath he had been holding in one big sigh, whispering Logan's name at the same time. "Logan," Tears blurred his eyesight and he blinked them away as quickly as possible, afraid he might miss another sign that Logan might be waking up.

A line of concentration had appeared on Logan's forehead and he frowned slightly. James gave his hand a gentle returning squeeze and spoke to reassure him. "Logie, it's okay. Just relax, buddy."

"James,"

James' breath caught in his throat and his heart skipped a beat before beginning to beat roughly in his chest. "Can. . . can you open your eyes for me, Logan?" He wondered briefly if he should call for a doctor but he couldn't tear his gaze away from Logan long enough to find the button on the wall.

At first Logan's eyes shut even tighter as he concentrated on the task James had asked of him. He took a deep breath as is preparing himself for an enormous effort. And then. Then, finally, his eyes opened into tiny slits, adjusting to the white room before opening fully. Confused brown eyes moved around the room before landing on James. "James?" Logan whispered.

A small sob forced its way from James' throat but he held himself together because he didn't want to upset Logan. He smiled and gave Logan's hand another squeeze. "I'm right here, buddy."

"Are. . ." Logan seemed to be having difficulty talking almost as if he had just woken up after a full night's sleep. "Are. . . you okay, James?"

James nodded quickly and forced an even larger smile to his face. "I'm fine, Logie. I was just worried about you. We all were. Mama K and Katie are talking to one of your doctors and Kendall and Carlos are down at the cafeteria."

Logan nodded, acknowledging that it was just he and James in the room. But he looked confused. "So. . . so you're okay?" He asked again. "Really?"

His confusion seemed almost to transfer itself to James. James' smile slipped and exchanged itself for a frown. "Yeah," He said slowly. "Why wouldn't I be? I mean I was just worried about you but now that you're awake-"

"I mean you didn't get _hurt_." Logan emphasized slightly impatiently. "Like, not at all?" His eyes were wide in disbelief but he looked relieved at the same time.

"Logan," James said, beginning to worry that his friend's memory had once again been altered. "What are you talking about? Why would I be hurt?"

Logan suddenly looked worried and even a little scared. "James," He began, trying to sit up to see his friend better.

James snapped out of his daze enough to take hold of Logan's shoulders and then gentle push him back down against the pillows. "Stay," He instructed in a shaking voice. "Rest." He waited until Logan relaxed under his hold and them he took Logan's hand back. "Now," He said, forcing himself to remain calm. "What are you worried about me for? Why would I be hurt?"

"Because," Logan said, obviously just as freaked for some reason James didn't understand. "You were right there with me when it happened. James, you were driving the car. You ran the red light. You don't remember any of that?"

**A/N. Quick! What's the first word that pops into your mind?**


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N. Sorry for the little wait in between updates, my loves. Thank you so much for the terrific response! The reason I took a little long was because I was updating "How to Save a Life", and writing random future chapters for this one. Oh, and watching Harry Potter. That's important too! Anyway, the next chapter will be fun. I don't own anything.**

James stopped breathing. Logan's face wore an expression that he hadn't seen in. . . he couldn't remember exactly the last time- No. He _did_ remember the last time he had seen Logan wear the expression. The day of the accident. James' migraine. Logan had told him that it was just a horrible headache but James could see the clear, levelheaded concern in his eyes. Just like today. Only. . . only this didn't make sense.

"James," Logan had once again sat up, this time without a protest from James. "James, look at me." He said, trying to get his friend to focus. "Breathe, James."

"L-Logan." James stammered. "The a-accident. . ." He couldn't breathe. Air refused to fill his lungs. Somewhere, deep in the back of his mind he wondered if there was a chance that he might pass out. He bent his forehead to the bed once again, this time in an attempt to stop the room from spinning crazily around him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and shuddered at the touch.

"Talk to me." Logan's voice was tired and confused but it was also soft and gentle and full of that familiar concern. He wasn't getting upset that James was so close to tears. He wasn't calling for Kendall or Carlos to come to the rescue. "James? Please?"

It was the "please" that gave James the strength to look up. He nearly fell apart right then and there when he saw Logan watching him so intently with a focus he thought he'd never see again. "I- I d-don't unders-stand." _Call for a doctor!_ He couldn't obey the voice in his head because he could just barely think enough to tell Logan that he was confused and so lost over what was happening.

It didn't help anything when Logan looked even more worried. "Why. . ." he trailed off and looked around the room. "Where is everyone else?" Seeing the alarm that sprang to James' eyes he hastily added, "I remember you said they were all out but are they coming back anytime soon?"

This was wrong. But it was right. James didn't know what to make of any of it. Logan was sitting in his hospital bed talking. . . normally. Talking like any normal seventeen year old would be talking. It was all James had been hoping for. It was a miracle. And yet he couldn't believe it. "Logan," he said. "Logan,"

"James?" Logan asked. "What's going on?"

"I. . . I don't know." James knew he should be doing something other then just sitting and staring at Logan while struggling for every inhale and exhale but he felt frozen. "What. . . what day do you think it is?"

"Sometime in September, right?" Logan guessed. "James. . . have I been in a coma or something?"

"Or something." James whispered as he started to cry. "Logan, how-" he broke off abruptly and slammed the call button on the wall, missing twice before he finally came in contact with it. Then without giving it a second thought, he leaned forward and dragged Logan into a close embrace.

"Hey," Logan was still confused but he tried to comfort James and only grew more confused when James cried even harder. "What's wrong? How bad was it?"

"Logan," James whispered as a doctor entered the room.

"Hello, Logan." Dr. White greeted the two boys, looking worriedly at James. "What seems to be the problem?"

Logan shook his head slowly, staring at the doctor over James' shoulder. "I don't really know." he said honestly.

"What happened?" Kendall demanded as he rushed into the room, followed closely by Carlos.

At the sight of his other best friends, Logan sighed in relief. "Kendall, Carlos." he said, trying to pull away from James. "I. . . I can't get him to talk to me."

Kendall's jaw dropped and he stared at Logan. "What?" he asked, unable to say anything else.

Carlos reached the bed in three long strides and sat down on the edge of it, looking suddenly pale.

Logan bit his lip, frustrated and afraid. "Guys?" he pleaded. "What's going on? Please tell me." Helpless to do anything else he lifted his arms and put them around James, returning the hug. His eyes stared at Kendall and Carlos and Doctor White, pleading for an answer.

"Logan," Doctor White took a deep breath and came further into the room to stand by his patient's bed. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"Well," Logan still looked confused but he hesitantly began an attempt at recalling his last memory. "James had a headache. . . I mean a migraine and I-" he cut himself off when James' sobbing increased with each word he spoke. "Why are you crying?" He begged, tears filling his own eyes.

"Keep going." Doctor White encouraged, breathlessly.

Kendall finally edged forward to stand with Carlos. He couldn't take his eyes off of Logan who looked confused and terrified by their reactions to his behavior. "Logan," he said slowly, ignoring the doctor. "The accident that you're talking about. . . the one that you and James were in that day he had a migraine?" He watched Logan nod in understanding and swallowed hard. "That accident was almost a year ago."

"W-what?" Logan gasped out. "B-but how. . . how is that even possible? Have I been unconscious all this time?"

Carlos shook his head quickly from side to side, his eyes overflowing with tears by now. "Logie," he whispered in a broken voice. "You were in a coma for two weeks after the accident." He watched Logan's face grow slightly pale at his words but he couldn't stop himself to think of how to break the news gently. "When. . . when you finally woke up. . . you were different."

"How?" Logan asked weakly. "What do you mean by different, Carlos?"

But Carlos suddenly lost his confidence. He shook his head again and let out a choked sob. "It was bad," he said reluctant to relieve those hard times even though he could hardly believe that they might be over. "Really bad, Logan."

"Logan," Doctor White said, catching the boy's attention. "What I am about to tell you isn't going to be easy. I can hardly believe this is happening myself. I've heard of miracles but never of this magnitude. Logan, today is August 25th. The accident happened in early September of 2010. You woke up from your coma on September 22nd with severe brain damage."

Logan's arms loosened their hold on James and fell limply to his sides and he stared at the doctor incredulously. "What?" he asked in complete disbelief. "Brain. . ." he trailed off and his gaze strayed from James to Kendall to Carlos and back to James again. "But then why. . . this is. . . it's impossible."

"I know." There wasn't much else Doctor White could say but he definitely wasn't making any of the boys feel more at ease. "I'm going to call my team in, Logan. I want to get another scan of your brain to see if-"

"To see what?" Logan interrupted. "To see if it's. . . gone? Just like that?"

James had suddenly snapped out of the state of shock he was in. "Are you going to take him away?" he asked in a small voice. "What if. . ." he stopped. He didn't know what to say. He felt Logan take one of his hands and give it a reassuring squeeze but instead of it making him feel better he felt even less. . . connected to everything and everything around him. To himself. Was this what an out-of-body-experience felt like?

"We're just going to take him for a little bit. The scan won't last long." Doctor White glanced at Kendall who had remained standing with Carlos, watching Logan and James. "We'll bring him back as soon as we're finished. In the meantime, I think someone should inform your mother-"

"How?" Kendall's voice cracked. "What do I tell her?" The door opened and several doctors and nurses walked in and stood off to the side, waiting for their instructions. Kendall ignored them. He didn't even remember Doctor White calling for them in the first place. He was having extreme difficulty separating his dream from reality. Because surely, this was a dream. Any minute now, any second, he was going to wake up and find that this was all just a dream. It wasn't real. It was too wonderful to be real. He didn't want the doctors to take Logan away because he was afraid that he might wake up.

Doctor White looked like he understood and he spoke to one of the new arrivals before turning back to Kendall. "I'll have one of my nurses come in and explain as much as possible. Just sit tight for now okay?"

"No!" James stood up as he was gently moved aside. "Please don't take him away."

"Wait," Logan was remarkably calm for someone who had just received the kind of news he had. However, it was probably because he was in shock. The doctors and nurses ceased their hurried movements and graciously waited. "Guys, come here." He didn't have to ask twice. James was back at his side before the words were all the way out of his mouth and Carlos and Kendall were right behind him. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice muffled from being in the middle of his three best friends. "I don't. . . I don't really know what's going on right now but I know it was really bad and I'm sorry you were hurting that much."

Kendall shook his head. "Don't apologize, Logan." he said whispered. "Let's just. . . let's just wait until we have more answers." Outwardly, he was the calm leader that everyone had always looked up to even when he screwed up. On the inside, his mind was spinning wildly out of control.

Carlos and James both looked like the last thing they wanted to do was let go of Logan. And honestly, that's was how Kendall felt. But slowly, one by one, they released their best friend and watched the doctors wheel him away, out of the room. Then with nothing left to do, they settled in to wait.

* * *

They had only been waiting half an hour but it felt like so much longer. James had been staring at the door, waiting for it to open, ever since the doctors had taken Logan away. Every once in a while, he glanced at the clock, surprised that only a couple of minutes at a time had passed. He was growing desperate, frantic. He had to see Logan again.

Kendall looked like a statue, sitting motionless on a chair, his back rigid, face devoid of emotion. His mother and sister sat beside him, both wiping away a constant, quiet stream of tears. They had long ago given up asking the boys questions because the only answers they got were fearful stammerings and shaking heads.

Carlos had actually gone to wait outside the room and kept glancing inside to inform them that there was no sign of Logan or his doctors. Suddenly, he appeared, hurrying through the door and holding it open with wide eyes. "Logie," he whispered.

"We couldn't find a thing," Doctor White announced shaking his head. "All the damage he suffered last September. It's completely gone. I have never seen or even heard of something like this happening."

"What exactly are you saying?" Mrs. Knight asked, her eyes on Logan. She reached down and took his hand, holding it tightly.

Doctor White shoot his head again. "I'm saying that there's nothing wrong with him at all," he said, helpless to put it in any other way. "Aside from an extremely mild concussion from hitting his head today, he's perfectly healthy."

"Perfectly healthy," Kendall repeated, in a dazed tone.

"Yes," Doctor White nodded, looking relieved that someone was starting to catch on. "I'd even let you take him home if the situation wasn't so. . . unusual. I want to keep him overnight at least." He glanced around the room and then cleared his throat. "I'll give you some privacy now." He left the room, completely unnoticed. Everyone was watching Logan.

Logan had been crying. His eyes were red and swollen but what got to Carlos the most, was the fear there. He was shaking on the bed as he looked around nervously and tried to think of something to say. Carlos gently moved past Mrs. Knight and Katie and sat on the edge of the bed. "Logie?" he asked tentatively.

"Carlos," Logan said, looking at his best friend, the fear leaving a little bit. "Hi."

Carlos sniffed and wiped tears away. "Are. . . are you feeling okay?" He reached out and took Logan's hand, holding it in both of his. "We were so worried."

Logan gave a small nod and forced a shy smile. "I'm okay, Carlitos. I. . . I'm a little confused and. . . and scared." When he admitted his fears, Logan looked again at Carlos. "I don't know what's going on, Carlos. I don't remember any of it. Nothing at all."

The instant he started to cry, Carlos leaned forward and wrapped his arms tightly around him. "It's going to be okay, Logan." he whispered comfortingly as tears streamed down his own face. "We're all scared and confused. But we're right here, okay? We're not going anywhere, I promise. Everything will be okay."

Kendall and James finally moved in after seeing Carlos with Logan. They sat side by side on the bed, opposite Carlos and enclosed their two smaller and younger friends in their arms. Both of them accepted the support gratefully and eventually they began to relax just a little bit.

"Logan," James said quietly as he reluctantly pulled away so that he could see his best friend. He surveyed him carefully, seeing the fear and confusion that remained, but also the concern he had for the others. He looked so much like the Logan he had know since he was five, that it hurt James to look at him. But at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to look away.

All Logan had to do to get an idea of what his friends and family went through was to look into James' eyes and see the absolute heartache there. He felt his own heart break at the sight and reached out. "Hi, James." he said sadly.

James had thought that he had run dry of tears. But as soon as he had Logan in his arms, and heard him trying to comfort him, he broke into quiet sobs that shook the both of them. "You're okay, Logan." he cried, not meaning that they had Logan back to the way he was before the accident, but simply meaning that he was okay after the most recent incident. "I was so afraid, Logan."

"I'm all right, James." Logan murmured, gently, wondering if he really was okay. His mind was spinning and he felt sick to his stomach as he thought of everything he had just been told. The accident nearly a year ago. Traumatic brain injury. Brain damage. Memory loss. Impaired social and cognitive functions. For almost an entire year. What had happened that year? He glanced at James, noticing for the first time, the black brace that encased his right wrist. "You _are_ hurt," he whispered, reaching for the hand.

"Only a little," James said, starting to draw back and then stopping because Logan's touch was gentle and soothing and it gave him a sense of peace despite the chaos that reined. "It's broken. That's all."

"He saved you," Carlos blurted out. "You were both almost hit by a car but James. . . he shoved you out of the way."

A smiled crossed Logan's face. "Thank you, James. For saving my life."

James wanted to protest. He wanted to tell Logan about all of the mistakes he had made and how they had all paid dearly for them. But he didn't want to upset anyone. He also didn't want to lose Logan after just getting him back. He was sure that once Logan learned everything, he wouldn't want to be his friend. So for now, he was determined to treasure the time he had left with his best friends. "Anytime, Logan." he vowed, wondering if there would be another time. He was hoping more than anything that there wasn't. But he was also wondering if he would even be around for that. How long would Logan want him around?

"Kendall," Logan said at last, turning to his older brother who had been way too quiet for way too long. "Are you okay?"

Kendall gave a half laugh, half sob, and hugged Logan close. "I'm great, Logie." he whispered. "As long as my family is okay, I'm perfectly fine."

"B-but. . ." Logan trailed off. "After all that's happened." he looked helplessly around the room. "How can you just. . . I don't know."

"Move on?" Kendall guessed. He shrugged. "We don't really have a choice, Logan. But as long as we're all together, we'll be just fine. Whatever happens, I'll be okay as long as I have my little brother with me."

Logan rested his head against Kendall's stronger frame and breathed a shaky sigh of relief. "Okay." he whispered. "And I'll be okay as long as I have my big brother by my side." His eyes moved around the room to look at everyone else. "And everyone here. My family."

Mrs. Knight and Katie took their turns then, hugging and kissing Logan. "Sweetie," Mrs. Knight said, brushing any lingering tears away. "We'll always be here for you. All of us."

_As long as you want us_, James thought to himself, forcing a smile as he watched Logan interact with everyone. _As long as you want me. _He was sure that once Logan found out the truth, then he would want nothing to do with him. He no longer had the mind of a six year old. He was going to hate James this time around. And James didn't blame him one bit.

**A/N. Oh, James. I really hoped that this wasn't a let down for anyone because of course, it was a really important chapter. -crosses fingers- Goodnight!**


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N. I'm going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows tonight. If you don't hear from me after this chapter, then I'm dead. Snape will kill me. I will die, drowning in my own Snape induced tears and sink into the carpeted flooring of my local movie theater. So. For maybe the last time, I don't own anything.**

Logan woke to the incessant beeping of the heart monitor he was hooked up to. His eyes fluttered open to peer around the dimly lit room. Kendall and Carlos were staring blankly at the muted television, their pale faces and dark circled eyes illuminated by the glow of the screen. James was. . . Logan turned slightly to the left to see that James was right beside him on the bed, sound asleep. He looked even worse than Kendall and Carlos put together, his face flushed and wet from recent tears.

"Buddy?" Kendall broke Logan's sleepy concentration when he and Carlos noticed that their friend had woken up.

Quickly, Logan laid a finger to his lips and looked pointedly down at James. "I'm fine," he said softly. "I promise." It was obvious that both of them didn't believe him and wanted to call for a doctor, but they restrained themselves. "Can I ask you guys some questions?" he asked, still looking at James.

"I don't know, Logie," Kendall said, glancing at Carlos nervously. "You should really be resting. It's. . ." he glanced at his watch, surprise and shock briefly taking the place of the concern he had for Logan. "Almost 10:00 in the morning."

"You don't have to talk now if you really don't want to," Logan assured them hastily. "But we _are _going to have to talk about it so I know how I can help you."

Carlos shook his head quickly. "Logan, _you_ don't have to help _us._"

A sigh escaped Logan but he became still again when James shifted slightly in his sleep. "Carlos," he said in an even quieter whisper. "Kendall, I _do_ need to help you. I mean, I have no idea what you've all been through with what happened to me, but I do know that it wasn't easy and that things happened and. . ." he trailed off and took a deep breath. "I need to know. I need to help you. It's the least I can do after all you've done for me."

Seeing the tears in the other boy's eyes somehow convinced Kendall that Logan was right. He gave a small nod that both Logan and Carlos picked up on and then switched off the TV, doing away with any distractions. "Okay," he said slowly. "But if you ever get really upset, then we're stopping and calling for a doctor. Deal?"

Logan nodded, relieved. "Deal," he agreed.

"Okay," Kendall said again. "After the accident, you were in a coma for two weeks. Your leg was broken too. James had a concussion and a few broken ribs but he got sent home after a few days. He was-" Kendall broke off to stare at James in silence for several seconds before he finally found the courage to go on. "He was so. . . _broken_, Logan. Of course, we were all worried sick about you, but James was. . . If we had lost you, then we would have lost him too."

Fear sped up Logan's heart slowly but he kept his face carefully blank, hoping that the monitor wouldn't betray him too much. He glanced down at James who was still fast asleep and carefully put his arms around his friend, relaxing when James unconsciously leaned into his embrace. "What did you do for him?"

Kendall winced. "Well, at first even though we were more focused on you, we were also really worried about James, of course. We tried to convince him that we didn't hate him and that he didn't deserve to. . . to die, but it was impossible. Every day that you didn't wake up, he faded more and more. He said himself that the only way he would ever be okay again, would be if you woke up."

"Then you finally did wake up," Carlos broke in, his voice a haunted whisper. "On his birthday. When the doctors first called to say that you were waking up, James looked more alive than he had in two weeks. We left for the hospital and when we got there, he was the first one out of the car and he ran ahead to your room." The younger boy suddenly bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood.

As if he could feel the pain too, Logan's eyes filled with tears. "You can stop for now if you want," he offered them. He had to know what had happened with all of them but he wasn't going to push them too far too soon.

"N-no," Carlos stammered. "It's okay." He took a deep breath and went on, his voice steady and calm. "When we caught up, you were crying and James was in shock over something. We asked him what was wrong and. . . and he said that you said that the doctors wouldn't let you see your mommy and daddy."

Logan couldn't hold back a gasp of horror at Carlos' words. "What?" he asked, even though he knew perfectly well what Carlos had said. "B-but. . . was I really that. . . damaged?"

"Damaged," Kendall repeated as if the word hurt him to hear and speak. "The doctors said that the frontal lobe of your brain had been badly damaged. That meant that you had memory loss and problems with your social and cognitive functions and behaviors. But you were still Logan."

Carlos nodded and looked from Logan to James and back again. "You called him Jamie a lot. Like we did when we were younger. You thought we lived in Minnesota and you didn't remember anything about Big Time Rush or Gustavo and Kelly. You _did_ remember that you wanted to be a doctor, and Kendall and hockey player, and me a police officer, and James a singer."

"I think," Kendall said slowly, hesitantly, as if he was afraid. "That the worst of everything started when Carlos' parents and James' parents tried to take them back to Minnesota with them. See, we couldn't stay in the Palm Woods anymore because Big Time Rush was over. My mom could only find a small apartment on such late notice and it only had enough room for her and Katie and me and you. Anyway, Gustavo finally settled things when he let James and Carlos stay at his mansion. But you were having a really hard time saying goodbye to them every night and you kept having awful nightmares and missing your parents."

"What happened?" Logan asked in a strange voice as if he sensed that the problem would be an attack from within.

Kendall swiped at his eyes, brushing away tears. "Logan," he choked out. "I said something horrible to James. I was tired and scared and stressed and that day, you got really upset when Carlos showed up without James. When James finally did show up after he said goodbye to his parents, I was just feeling so overwhelmed and I-I told James that none of it would have happened if he hadn't been so stupid."

Logan tried incredibly hard to keep his face blank, but as soon as Kendall admitted to what had happened, he felt the blood drain away. "Kendall," he whispered, feeling as though he had had the wind knocked out of him. He felt like he was falling through empty space as Kendall's words repeated themselves over and over again in his mind. "You didn't," he said pleadingly.

"I did," Kendall couldn't meet Logan's gaze. "And after that, things got really _really_ bad. For two weeks, I treated James horribly. I was totally blind to the fact that he had been starving and cutting himself."

"I saw these," Logan said, glancing down at the scars on James' arms that still gave Kendall nightmares. "I thought that they might have been because of the accident. I just. . . I just didn't know that there was more to it than the accident itself."

"I hurt him worse than he hurt you," Kendall whispered, sorrowfully. "He and Carlos were over and we were eating lunch when I said something nasty about James starving himself for attention and he went to the bathroom. Carlos told me that I was only making things worse and that he cried himself to sleep every night and every time they had to leave. That's when I knew how wrong I had been."

"Too little, too late." Logan stated, somehow not sounding judgmental at all. He knew that like James, Kendall had suffered enough.

Kendall nodded. "I went to apologize and we heard him crying. I knew something was wrong and when I opened the door, he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub with these awful, long cuts all over his arms. Some were bleeding because he had just made them but others were older. Like two weeks old, since I had snapped at him."

"James," Logan whispered. "We nearly lost him all over again, didn't we? I woke up and he still almost slipped away completely anyway."

"It gets worse," Carlos said, squeezing his eyes shut as an image of the unpleasant memory surfaced in his mind. "Kendall took James into his room to clean up his cuts and apologize. I was with you and I was trying to calm you down because you were _hysterical_. But Kendall's phone rang and it was Mrs. Knight and I took the phone into him. I only left you for a minute, but a minute was all it took."

"What-" Logan started to ask but he saw Carlos staring at his arm. Following his friend's gaze, he noticed for the first time that there was one really long, jagged scar on the otherwise unmarked skin. "I did this?" he asked in horror.

"You had seen James do it before once and you thought that it made him happy. Then when you saw him bleeding so much, he was crying so you were confused. You wanted to see what would happen to you. But. . . but you cut way too deep and you fainted and-" Carlos shook his head. "We nearly lost both of you all over again."

Logan looked shaken by Carlos' words and he shut his eyes, taking a deep breath. "I can't believe. . ." he started and then trailed off.

"You lost a lot of blood," Kendall said gently, putting his hand on Logan's shoulder. "But they only kept you for one night and then we went home. Things were almost all better by then."

"Almost?" Logan asked, afraid to say more.

"James' parents," Kendall began, his voice filled with regret. "They came to get him a couple days later. Mom called them and told them everything that had happened. They. . . were so. . . angry at me. Of course, they were right to be. But they weren't thinking about what it would do to you or even James for that matter." When he saw Logan looked at him in confusion, Kendall rushed on to explain better. "They wanted to take him back to Minnesota with them. They didn't. . . trust us. They didn't trust me."

Logan saw the pain and regret in Kendall's eyes. For hurting James. For causing the mess. For making James' parents come to take him away. "What happened?" he asked softly, needing to know.

"They took him," Kendall whispered. "No matter what we told them about you or how upset you would be. . . they wouldn't listen. They took him and you cried yourself to sleep. It was the worst because even though he promised you that he would come back. . . we didn't know if we'd ever see James again. I thought I had ruined everything."

"How. . . how long was he gone?" Logan asked, his mind still whirling at the thought of _Kendall_ doing something that would tear them apart and then be unable to put them back together.

To Logan's surprise, Carlos and Kendall both smiled a little bit at his question. "A little over an hour maybe," Carlos said with a shrug. "He made it to the airport with his parents, then turned right around and left without them."

Logan couldn't help but laugh. "_That_ sounds more like James." he said, feeling relieved more than anything else. He sobered quickly. "What did his parents say about that?"

"They gave in," Kendall told him. "But only after he promised to call them every single day and. . . and find a therapist to talk to."

"That makes sense," Logan said weakly, his throat aching.

"It was my fault," Kendall said, shaking his head. "If I had never-"

"Kendall," Logan interrupted. "What you said to James and how you treated him _was_ really wrong. But it wasn't your _fault _that he had to go to therapy. Based on what you've told me. . . he needed it." It scared him to admit that he knew James had been so close to the edge even though he hadn't been aware when it was happening. All he needed to do was to hear what had happened. That was enough.

To ease Logan's mind, Kendall hurried on. "Things got better after that," he said quietly. "There were a lot of things that were really hard to deal with. Like you had nightmares a lot and cried for your parents. And you called James, "Jamie" and me, "Kenny". And Mom "Mommy". And it was hard teaching you since you had always taught us. We all had our own moments when we broke down and cried a lot but we always had someone else to pick us back up again. It was like we were finally ready to move on. Even James."

"Something happened though," Logan guessed, looking from Kendall to Carlos. "To James. Right?"

"Boy, when you said you wanted us to tell you everything, you really meant it," Kendall laughed weakly, nervously. "Logan, it seemed like every time we got so close to moving on, something happened that would set James back. The first thing was when he took you to the zoo."

"He. . . he took me to the zoo?" Logan asked faintly.

In spite of the fact that he _did not_ want to tell the story and remember it, Kendall smiled fondly. "Yeah. Logie, that was something about James the whole time you were. . . sick. He was hurting so much and he felt so guilty and everything. But every time he looked at you, it was like some of the pain went away just because he had so much. . . adoration for you. Like you were his-" Kendall cut himself off and swallowed hard.

"His. . . what?" Logan asked, looking intently at both of his friends.

"Like he was. . ." Carlos started.

"He was what?" Logan's fear and nervousness in seeing how hesitant Kendall and Carlos were, was making him frustrated. "I'm. . . I'm sorry," he said when he saw his friends flinch slightly. "I'm just. . . this whole thing scares me so much. I don't remember any of it and you all suffered so much. It's not fair."

"Logie," Kendall moved forward and touched his friend's arm. "It's okay. It's not easy to tell you but you're right. You do need to know so you can understand." He took a deep breath and tried again. "Logan, in a lot of ways. . . James was like a father to you. He took such good care of you and. . . you were the world to him. If you weren't with him then he had nothing else to live for. Not. . . not even us."

Logan shook his head. "That's not true!" he exclaimed. "Kendall, you two would have helped him! I know you would have!"

Kendall glanced at Carlos. "That _is_ what James said," he admitted in a whisper. "Logan, when you guys went to the zoo, James let go of you for about five seconds and. . . and when he looked back up. . . you were gone. You had wandered off."

A look of shock passed over Logan's face and then he shook his head. "Wow," he murmured before he could stop himself. "I was not an easy "kid" to take care of, was I?"

"You don't have to sound so bitter about it," Kendall admonished gently. "You were fantastic, Logan. Just like you always have been. You were sweet, gentle, thoughtful, and kind Just a little. . ." tears filled his eyes. "You wanted to see the lions." he managed, offering no further explanation.

"Anyway," Carlos obviously wanted to move on. "He called Kendall. He was frantic. Crying and everything. Kendall asked him what was wrong and all he could say was that he didn't know where you were. I don't know how long you were missing but it couldn't have been too long. By the time Kendall and I got there, you were already together again. You weren't hurt at all but James was really shaken up."

"That's when we knew how bad things still were," Kendall broke in, staring at James. "When we got home, you and James laid down to rest and when. . . when you both woke up, you were really sick. You caught some sort of flu virus that had been going around. While you were sick. . . James _never_ left your side for an instant. He didn't eat and he hardly slept or drank, only when we made him."

They had been taking turns so far, telling Logan everything they could recall. When one fell silent, unable to go on, the other took the silence as a cue, and picked up right where his friend had left off. Carlos cleared his throat and looked straight at Logan. "Once we came in. . . just to keep him company. You were asleep. He said that if he didn't have us. . . and you. . . then he. . . he would have-"

"Stop," Logan pleaded, catching on. A small sob escaped his throat and he hugged James closer to him.

"He didn't want to anymore when he had told us that," Kendall said quickly. He placed a hand on Logan's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "He just told us that everything had been so hard that he- Logan, don't cry. James is fine! He's right here!" He felt the sudden urge to shake James until he woke up so that _he_ could comfort Logan. But the doctors have given him something to help him sleep and he looked so much at peace that Kendall knew he couldn't wake him without a guilty conscious.

"I k-know," Logan whispered, the pain still evident in his voice. "It's just. . . I d-don't want any of you to f-feel like that. Ever."

Even in his deep, medicated sleep, James was still aware of Logan's distress. He shifted slightly and lifted a hand, laying it comfortingly on the other boy's arm.

Logan took a shuddering breath and quieted his sobs. He seemed to just notice that James' was sleeping much more soundly than he ever had. "Is. . . is he all right now?" he asked uncertainly. "Why is he sleeping like this?"

"The doctors gave him something," Kendall admitted. "Because he's had even more trouble sleeping this past year and with all that happened today. . . we all thought it was best for him. He only agreed because we promised him that. . . we'd let him stay with you."

"I'm glad," Logan said softly. "That he's sleeping here." He looked back up at his other friends. "You're staying here too, right?"

"We did," Kendall told him. "Overnight. Doctor Walsh said that we can take you home later today." He watched Logan smile in relief and tried not to think about how different he would find everything. They no longer lived in the Palm Woods, Big Time Rush was a thing of the past, he didn't even know Buddy.

"I guess it'll be different, huh?" Logan asked, trying to sound merely curious, but looking afraid just the same.

"It will," Carlos told him honestly. "But it will be okay too. You'll see."

Logan nodded, smiling a little. "So," he took a deep breath. "What happened after I got sick?"

"Logan, maybe we should take a little break," Kendall started to suggest. He saw the crushing disappointment in Logan's eyes and knew that the more he knew, the better he would feel, even though a lot of it was terrifying. We'll tell you a little more." he relented, looking at Carlos.

"Well, after you got sick, James caught the virus." Carlos said quietly. "He got really _really _sick, Logie."

"How sick?" asked Logan, the color beginning to drain from his face.

"Like, we had to take him to the hospital because his temperature was 107 and we couldn't get him to wake up," Kendall told him reluctantly. "That sick. He went home the next day thought. It was just. . . really scary for a while there. You were terrified. We all were."

"But he's okay now," Logan said as if he was trying to convince himself. He looked down at James, frowning at the unusually pale skin and thin face. "As okay as he could ever be, I guess."

"He's great, Logan." Kendall said firmly. "We all are." He frowned and shook his head when Logan still looked upset. "That's it for now," he decided in a soft voice. "We'll tell you more another time if you want. After all, we have all the time in the world." He couldn't think of a whole lot more that he wanted to tell Logan. He hadn't wanted to tell him anything really, but he would _never_ say anything about the incident at the mall when he and James had been arrested. He would never say anything the nightmares or the time he had wandered off in the middle of the night, lost in LA. As for everything else, the new apartment, Buddy, Disneyland, that could all wait.

Reluctantly, Logan nodded. He was tired, even though the day was just getting started. "When can I go home?" he asked, sleepily, laying back down on the bed, his head against James' shoulder.

"Later in the afternoon," Kendall promised. "Don't worry, buddy. We'll get you home."

**A/N. This chapter was supposed to be way longer, but I decided to cut it a little short and add the rest in the next chapter. Um, I should warn you that there are about five chapters left. . . maybe a little more. . . and extreme angsty very shortly. Amfdgrthrt It's James' birthday soon. Remember what happened on his seventeenth birthday? Just wait until his eighteenth. How many of you know my record for giving the boys a happy birthday?**


	48. Chapter 48

**A/N. I don't want to talk about Harry Potter. I just want to forget that I ever discovered Hogwarts. -dead- Everyone go read and review "Mania" by my soul mate WyszLo. Do it. Please. Lol. It's AMAZING so you won't regret it. Anyway. I don't own anything.**

"Home sweet home," Kendall murmured as he swung open the apartment door, stepping aside to let the others in first. He watched Logan closely, his face a mask of concern for the younger boy who looked completely lost in the home he had lived in for nearly a year.

"Careful, Buddy!" Carlos cautioned, intercepting the yellow lab who came bounding over to the door to see his owner. "Logie, come here a minute." He glanced over his shoulder at Logan, who was completely taken aback by the dog's appearance. "You need to. . . get reacquainted with someone."

Logan hesitated briefly and then stepped forward, sinking to his knees next to Carlos. "Who. . ." he started, uncertainly.

"This is Buddy," Carlos said softly. "He's yours."

"M-mine?" Logan repeated, shakily. "When? How?"

"I gave him to you," Carlos told him with a pained smile. "For Christmas. We went to the mall once and you fell in love with him. So. . ." he trailed off and turned away from Logan, focusing on the dog. "Here he is. He loves you and he likes to sleep in your bed with you. He takes really good care of you and in return, all he wants is lots of love and food."

Buddy seemed to sense Logan's unfamiliarity with him and whined softly. Logan reached out then, rubbing the dog's ears. "You bought me a dog for Christmas?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Carlos nodded, his eyes still on Buddy. "I did."

Logan stopped rubbing the dog's ears to touch Carlos on the arm, reclaiming his attention. "Thank you," he said softly. "I know I probably said thank you when you first gave him to me but. . . I don't remember. So thanks again, Carlos. He's amazing."

"He is," Carlos agreed, thinking of the time Logan had wandered outside in the middle of the night and Buddy had followed him, protecting him until Kendall had found them. "He's a really special dog."

Logan straightened up and looked around curiously. "So," he said slowly. "This is where we live now, huh?"

Carlos bounded to his feet. "Yup!. Want me to show you around?" At Logan's nod, he automatically reached out and took his friend's hand. A second later, he realized what he had done and at the bewildered expression on Logan's face, he felt his own face turn scarlet and he quickly dropped Logan's hand. "Sorry," he muttered, wanting to sink into the floor.

It was then that Logan realized what had happened and how his reaction must have hurt Carlos even though it hadn't been intentional. "_I'm_ sorry, Carlos," he said softly. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Slightly comforted, Carlos shrugged. "Neither did you." Before Logan could protest, he stepped behind him, placing both hands on his shoulders so he could steer him in the right direction. "Now," he said dramatically, hoping to lighten the uncomfortable tension in the atmosphere. "Let me give you the grand tour of our humble abode."

Logan laughed, temporarily forgetting the moment where he had caught a glimpse of the lingering effects the accident had on his friends. "Okay then. Lead me around."

"Well," Carlos said, gesturing around the room they were standing in. "This is obviously the kitchen and living area where we spend most of our waking hours. At least when we're not outside." He started walking forward, keeping his hands on Logan's shoulders in the pretense of joking around while he was actually just making sure that his friend was steady on his feet. "That's your mom's and Katie's room and the bathroom in just across the hall."

Logan nodded, trying to take everything in. He felt like he was dreaming. He sensed Kendall and James following in complete silence as Carlos told him about how there was another bathroom further down the hall, near their rooms.

"And this," Carlos said, letting Kendall step in front of them and open a door. "Is where James and I sleep."

Slowly, Logan absorbed the room. It wasn't big but it wasn't tiny either. It _was_ too small for two teenage boys to share. But there was a bed on either side, with dressers and nightstands pressed up against the wall. It was fairly clean, he realized, odd for the two "slobs". But, he supposed, that was just another change he would have to adjust to. As much as he had always wished James and Carlos could be neater, he was not thrilled with the circumstances that had led to him getting his wish.

"And finally," Carlos interrupted Logan's thoughts by leading him out of the room and right next door. "This is yours and Kendall's room."

The same room, except of course, slightly different with the bed covers and the items laying around. Logan breathed out a shaky sigh and sat down on one of the beds. "Wow," he said softly.

"Are you okay?" James asked, speaking for the first time since they had arrived "home".

Logan nodded, quickly. "I'm fine," he assured James. "I'm just. . . this is all so hard to take in." He spied a framed photo that he didn't recognize but had obviously seen before since it had all for of them in it. "When. . . when did we go to Disneyland?"

"For the new year," Kendall informed him, gently taking the picture away and looking at it himself. "It was James' Christmas present for all of us."

Logan's eyes widened and he stared at James in disbelief. "_You_ took us to Disneyland? How did you pay for that?"

James shook his head. "That's not important," he said quickly, wondering if Logan would hate him even more if he ever told him that the money had come out of his college fund. Then again, when he found out that the accident was James' fault, maybe he would think that James deserved it.

"James, are you okay?" Logan asked quietly.

"What?" James looked back at his friends to see all of them watching him in concern. "Oh yeah. I'm great. Absolutely fantastic."

* * *

But James was far from fine. He was ecstatic beyond belief of course that Logan was back. But part of him was afraid that it was all just a dream and that he would wake up to a heartbreaking reality once again. And another part of him was positive that once Logan found out the whole truth, he would hate him forever. James knew that he did have to tell Logan everything that had happened, but he was being selfish, holding onto every last minute that he could because he just couldn't stand the thought of losing Logan.

Which was exactly why he was in Logan's and Kendall's room, watching Logan as he slept. He didn't care if some people might consider it creepy. It was a reminder that Logan was alive and it was all that kept him together sometimes. It was the only way he could get any sleep.

"James?"

At the sound of Logan's voice, James took his hands away from his face and straightened up. His eyes instantly found Logan sitting up in his bed. "Logan," he whispered, his voice shaking. "What are you doing awake?"

Logan was staring at him in concern. "I could ask you the same thing. Are you okay, James?" He shifted aside and patted an empty space on the bed. "Come here." He saw James glance over his shoulder toward Kendall's bed. "Don't worry about him right now," he said quietly. "He's sleeping. I asked how you were doing,"

Wordlessly, James obeyed Logan and moved from the floor to the bed. His eyes were filled with tears and he couldn't speak around the enormous lump in his throat. When he felt Logan's arms go around him, he managed to return the embrace right before he started to cry. Afraid of waking Kendall up, he pressed his face tightly into Logan's shoulders, desperate to muffle his sobs.

"Oh, James." Logan murmured sadly. "It's okay to cry." He rubbed his friend's back in a soothing manner as he continued to shake hard with noiseless sobs. "You have to breathe though okay, buddy? James?" Logan pulled away enough to put his hands on James' shoulders and tried to get him to look up. "James, I need you to breathe."

James was still trying to keep quiet so he didn't wake Kendall, but it was impossible to do that and breathe normally. In obedience to Logan, he drew in a sharp breath and then immediately started to choke and cry even harder.

"Logan? From the other side of the room, Kendall sat bolt upright in his bed and stared over to where Logan and James sat. "What's wrong?"

Logan squinted as the light went on and Kendall appeared, standing close by. He made a quick dismissing motion with his hand and then nodded to James who was in tears. "That's it," he said, relieved when the older boy's breathing became more regular. "Everything's fine, Jay."

Kendall watched his friends for a few seconds without saying anything. Then he sat down and tentatively put a hand on James' shoulder. "Hey," he said tearfully. "James, we're all okay." He met Logan's worried gaze and nodded when he understood the silent communication. "Be right back, guys."

Logan sighed in relief when Kendall disappeared and then quickly focused on James again. "Talk to me," he instructed gently.

"I. . . I c-can't," James shook his head and buried his face into Logan's shoulder again. "Logan, I can't t-talk about what. . . about what it was l-like. It hurts too much."

"Okay, okay." Logan's voice was anxious as he sought to calm his best friend and comfort him. "James, you don't have to talk right now. Just. . . just take it easy."

"How is he?" Kendall demanded softly as he returned with Carlos close behind him.

Logan ignored Kendall and continued to talk to James. "Look. Kendall and Carlos are here too. We're all here with you. You're not alone James."

Through the constant stream of tears, James lifted his head and saw Kendall and Carlos both watching him in concern and fear. It dawned on him that all of his friends were terrified for him and this made him want to at least make an effort to stop crying. But it felt like the harder he tried to stop, the harder it became to have any control at all. He nodded to show that he understood Logan and then hid his face once more.

"Kendall," Logan said slowly as James' tears continued to flow freely. "Maybe you should get Mom." His own eyes had filled with tears when he saw how helpless they all were.

That got James' attention. "N-no!" he said as loudly as he dared. "D-don't. Please." He sat up and wiped hastily at his eyes. "I'm okay. Really."

"No you're not," Carlos shook his head. "James, maybe we should-"

"No," James repeated, at last managing to take several deep breaths and reduce his sobs to quiet sniffs and frequent hiccups. "I'm okay. See?"

Logan shook his head but didn't contradict him. "Let's wait," he told the others. He sighed deeply, his own breathing relaxing when he saw James finally begin to calm down. "I think he will be okay. How are we doing, James?"

James closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Logan's voice. It was already back to the gentle and soft tones that had always made them feel better. But this time, he could only question why it was directed at him. "Logan," he whispered. "Why don't you hate me?"

"Because," Logan said without missing a beat. "You're my best friend. You're only human, James. If I hated everyone who made a mistake, I wouldn't have any friends or family. I'd be all by myself."

"But this was different," James protested. "I-"

"I know what you did," Logan interrupted gently. He noticed that Kendall and Carlos had left the room to give them some privacy and felt a wave of gratitude for his friends' sensitivity wash over him. "But it was still a mistake. No one can look at you and say that you didn't pay for it." He cringed slightly when he looked at James and saw the pain in his eyes. "I know that you can't ever fully move on and forget about what happened, James, but you do deserve to be forgiven by everyone including me."

The words came so easily to Logan and it confused James. "I don't understand," he said, feeling frustrated. "I almost killed you and then. . . then. . . I hurt you so badly, Logan."

"I know what happened, James." Logan shook his head. "I don't remember any of it. But Kendall and Carlos and everyone else told me everything that happened to you. The guilt you've had to deal with," Logan gently took hold of James' arm and lifted it up for inspection, eye filling again when he saw the faded scars there. "How you did this to yourself to try and deal with the pain,"

James shook free of Logan's grasp and pointed to the long scar on his friend's arm. "And I made you do that to yourself," he whispered. "You almost died all over again."

"That's because you weren't helping each other," Logan pointed out. "James, I can't even begin to imagine the pain all of you were in." He brushed a stray tear away and then went on. "But I do know that once you all got together again, everything was much better. Maybe not easy, but better."

"Right." James snorted and shook his head. "Did they tell you how I lost you at the zoo?"

"An accident," Logan said simply. "They also told me how I got sick and you wouldn't leave my side. And how you got sick and and. . ." Logan trailed off and bowed his head. "And how you almost died."

"Logan, don't cry." James pleaded. He pulled Logan close to him once again. "I'm okay now. It was a long time ago."

Logan sniffed and nodded. "I know," he said, his voice breaking slightly. "It's still scary to think about. I know it was worse for you guys with me and that's the hardest part about this whole thing. How much all of you suffered. How much pain you were in. No one deserves that."

"It was really hard," James admitted freely. "The hardest thing ever." He pulled away and looked at Logan, disbelief in his eyes. "I can't believe that this is happening right now. The doctors said that you could recover, but this. . . this is a miracle. I'm afraid to go to sleep and wake up to find that this is all just another dream."

"I can believe that," Logan said softly. "But you shouldn't have to suffer alone. You have me, James. I'm right here. You can talk to me. And you have Kendall, Carlos, my mom, and Katie, who can relate better to what you're going through. We all love you, James. We want you to be happy."

In spite of the fact that his hear still ached painfully, James smiled a little bit. "I am happy," he said honestly. "It took a little while after. . . after the accident to be happy again but you. . . you made me happy, Logan. You always have."

Logan returned James' smile, feeling both relieved and slightly embarrassed by James' words. "Same here," he promised. "Are you feeling better now?"

James thought for a second and then nodded. "Yeah. You can go back to sleep now, Logan. You don't mind if I hang out in here though, do you?"

"Nope, not at all." Logan grabbed James' arm to keep him from moving and then gave him a light push. "Stay here."

At first, James wasn't sure what Logan meant. Then he realized that he was talking about the bed. A fresh wave of relief hit him and he laid down without a protest. As soon as Logan laid down next to him, he wrapped an arm around the smaller boy and drew him closer to his chest, exactly the way he had done when Logan had nightmares. "Thanks for coming back to us, Logan." he whispered. "Thanks for everything."

Logan rested his head against James' shoulder and gave a small nod. "Thank _you_, James. For everything. For taking such good care of me even though it hurt. For not giving up on me. And for being my daddy when I needed one again."

The bedroom door had opened again as Kendall and Carlos crept quietly into the room. After seeing that both James and Logan were content, they settled into the other bed and lay away, listening to their best friends take care of each other, talking and healing old wounds.

"Always, Logie." James murmured, hesitating briefly before pressing his lips to Logan's forehead in a light kiss. "I'll always be whatever you need me to be." He whispered the promise as he drew away and began to run his fingers through Logan's dark hair, still used to the childlike state his best friend had been in just a few days ago.

Logan's small smile had widened even though James could no longer see his face. "I've never doubted that and I never will. Right now I need James Diamond, my best friend. I need him to go to sleep and get some well deserved rest because he's a really incredible and strong person."

James' fingers ceased their gentle combing and he sighed before nodding and giving in. "All right. I'll try. Wake me if you need me though, okay?"

"Gotcha," Logan yawned tiredly. "Right back at you too. Wake me and Kendall and Carlos if you need us."

"I will." James yawned and sighed again. "What's going to happen next, Logan?" He was still afraid of falling asleep.

Logan shrugged as best as he could with James' arms wrapped around him. "I don't know," he said honestly. "But I do know that we'll be together whatever happens. So try not to worry about it too much, okay, James?"

For some reason, James felt himself begin to relax. He felt peace come into the room and surround him and his three friends, enveloping them in a soothing atmosphere. He nodded, but didn't speak, and simply closed his eyes, letting the peace take him into a restful sleep.

Logan didn't fall asleep right away. He stayed awake for a few minutes longer, listening to James' deep and even breathing and from across the room, Kendall and Carlos as well. Satisfied that all of his friends were, for the moment, okay, he shut his eyes and drifted off to sleep along with them.

**A/N. I think James' birthday is next. Let me consult my notes. . . yes. Yes it is. Prepare for angst. I think I went a little too far this time. Read "Mania".**


	49. Chapter 49

**A/N. Okie dokie, a few more chapters and this story will be out of your hair forever. I just realized how absured that saying is but whatever lol. If I'm really tricky I can have this story finished by Monday before I go away. We'll see. For now, I don't own anything, and please give me a head start to run far away.**

"Are you okay, James?" Logan asked, glancing at his friend, worry and concern written all over his face.

James was far from okay, but he couldn't tell Logan that. He couldn't tell Logan about the ache in his heart that got worse whenever his best friend displayed care for his well-being. He couldn't tell Logan that he slept in his and Kendall's room every night because if he didn't, he would have nightmares. He couldn't tell Logan that after a year had gone by since the accident that had changed their lives forever, he still couldn't get behind a wheel and just sitting in a car petrified him. Logan just didn't need to know any of that. So he put a smile on his face and turned to look at his friend. "I'm fine, Logan. Great, actually."

Logan nodded to show that he had heard James. But it was obvious by the expression on his face that he didn't believe him for a second. "Well, if you ever need to talk, we're right here."

Tears blurred James' vision for a split second when he saw Carlos and Kendall nod in agreement. They knew what was going on and he could tell that they were reluctant to let him keep it hidden from Logan. He knew that his secrets couldn't stay hidden for long, Logan already knew most of what had happened, and it was only a matter of time before he found the rest out. Still, James was determined to keep it hidden as long as possible. "Thanks, guys." he said softly.

"We're almost there by the way," Kendall said suddenly from the driver's seat. He sensed James' nervousness about being in a car, especially with Logan, and wanted to reassure him as much as possible. "Ten more minutes."

"We didn't have to go out just because it's my birthday, you know." James said quietly, hoping he didn't sound ungrateful. "I would have been fine with staying at home."

"But, James!" Logan protested, rolling his eyes. "It's your eighteenth birthday! Besides, you _need_ to get out."

Deep down inside, James knew that Logan was right. Of course. He couldn't stay locked away all day every day and he couldn't keep his friends sheltered either. He wished he could. They would be safer that way. But they needed to move on. He just wished it would be easier. "I know," he told Logan with a sigh.

Sensing James' distress even though he couldn't fully understand it, Logan reached out and touched his friend on the elbow, getting his attention. "Hey," he said softly. "It'll be fine. We'll have a good time, okay?"

James could see how badly Logan wanted him to enjoy himself. He knew that it was important for all of them. And strangely, little by little, he could feel himself starting to relax. So when he smiled again, it was genuine and much easier. "I know," he repeated. "Thanks, Logie."

Satisfied, Logan sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. "Good," he said happily. "I'm glad." He didn't protest when James wrapped an arm around his shoulders and leaned lightly into his friend. He was very much aware of the fact that they could never go back to normal and all of his friends, especially James, would always remember what they had gone though. He wished that he remembered himself so he could share a bigger part of the burden, other than simply knowing about all that had happened. But it could never be that way and he could only accept what knowledge he had been given and then support Kendall, James, and Carlos as much as possible. He only wished he could help more.

Staring out the window, Logan caught Carlos, in the passenger's seat, looking in the side mirror to see him. The younger boy smiled in encouragement and Logan felt a rush of gratitude to everything Carlos had been for the rest of them. According to Kendall and James, it had been Carlos who had adjusted the quickest to Logan's brain injury. It had been Carlos who had kept them all together at times. And it had been Carlos who had adjusted the quickest to the miracle that had occurred with Logan.

Logan had been scared, terrified, when he had woken up to find James in hysterics over everything he said or did. The brief explanation of his brain injury had made things even worse. He didn't have a clue as to what was going on and everyone had been in too great of a shock to explain any further. It had been Carlos, whose presence was soothing and comforting enough so that Logan could wait for answers and it had been Carlos who helped him absorb everything. It had been Carlos who helped him get reacquainted with Buddy, a puppy who seemed to adore Logan even though Logan had no memory of him at all.

His friends were all heroes, Logan realized with pride. It wasn't everyone who could deal with such traumatic events so well. Sure, they had each had their moments that they weren't proud of, but they were only human. They had dealt with so much and had grown and Logan had missed it all. Kendall was kinder, gentler, slower to anger. Carlos was much more mature and wasn't afraid to take the lead when others bowed out. And James. . . Logan sighed. To say that James was less selfish now would be the understatement of the year. He never though of himself anymore and Logan hated that. But the overwhelming compassion he had for everyone else was an extraordinary thing.

Logan was interrupted from his thoughts as Kendall neared a red light. He felt James tense, his arm tighten its grip around his shoulders. He didn't quite relax until they had come to a complete stop and even then, Logan could tell that he was holding his breath, He moved to pull away so that he could look at his friend and ease his fears. But as he slipped out from under James' arm, there was a screeching of breaks and then a sudden force from behind that slammed into them.

Before he really knew what was happening, Logan was propelled forward into the back of Carlos' seat. His hands flew out in front of him just in time to keep from smashing his face in. His seat belt yanked hard against him, keeping him restrained and holding him back. Above the loud bang that told him that someone had hit them from behind, Logan could hear James shouting his name, voice filled with terror.

Their car was shoved violently forward into the middle of the intersection where thankfully, no cars were coming. Kendall had enough presence of mind to step on the gas and inch their broken vehicle safely across the road where he pulled over to the curb. "Guys-" he started to say.

"Logan!" James interrupted Kendall and twisted in his seat to see his best friend. "Logan, are you okay?"

Logan flexed his hands and winced when the motion hurt his sore wrists. But nothing was broken, he could tell. "I'm okay, James." he said quietly, hoping to calm the other boy down. "Are you-" he broke off when he realized that it was obvious that James hadn't heard him at all.

James was bent forward, his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. "Logan," he whispered, tears making his voice sound completely different. 'Not again. No, Logan. Please not again."

"Kendall, Carlos, are you two okay?" Logan asked, glancing quickly at the front seat before locking his eyes back on James.

"We're f-fine," Carlos stammered, looking over at Kendall, who nodded speechlessly.

Logan allowed himself to feel relieved that two of his friends were unharmed. James, on the other hand, was far from unharmed. Logan couldn't tell if he had actually been hurt but it was clear that his emotional state of mind was absolutely screwed. "James," he called again. "James, look at me." He reached out and tried to tug the older boy's hands away from his face so he could see him.

James pulled away, practically cowering in the corner. "Logan," he sobbed, completely unaware of his friends' presence and the growing alarm they had for him. "Logan, please wake up! Please! Don't. . . don't do this. Please, Logan!"

"James! James, I'm right here!" Logan placed his shaking hands on James' hands and struggled to pry his fingers out of his hair where they were twisting and pulling. "James, stop it! You're hurting yourself!"

"Logan, what do we do?" Carlos asked frantically.

Before Logan could answer, there was a wail of sirens approaching them. Logan started to sigh in relief but was interrupted by James, whose distress hit an all time high. "Please" he begged. "Please save my friend! He's hurt worse than I am!"

"James!" Kendall had snapped out of his shocked daze and was on his knees, leaning over the back of his seat. "James, snap out of it! Logan's right here! He's fine!"

But James shook his head, oblivious to Kendall, Carlos, and even Logan right next to him. "Logan, _please_ wake up," he cried. "Talk to me. Can you hear me? Give me a sign, Logan. Anything. Please."

Kendall stumbled out of the car and waved frantically at the EMTs. "Hurry!" he yelled. "Something's wrong with my best friend!"

"Jay," Carlos said, tears stinging his eyes. "It's going to be okay."

"Carlos is right," Logan said, at last managing to untangle one of James' hands from his hair. He gave it a squeeze, trying to capture his attention. "We're all fine, James. No one got hurt."

"Logan," James sobbed inconsolably, shaking his head. "Don't leave me. I n-need you. I'm. . . I'm, so sorry! Please! I'll leave and never come back if that's what you want. I'll do anything! Just. . . please don't die, Logan. Please be okay. I need you to be okay!"

The side door opened and an EMT looked in. "What seems to be the problem, boys?" he asked in a gentle voice.

"I think. . ." Logan said as he struggled to maintain his grip on James' hand so the other boy didn't go back to pulling madly at his hair. "I think he's having some sort of flashback or something from another accident we were in. I can't get his attention."

"Let's get him out in the air then," the man suggested, meaning well. He placed his hands on James' shoulder and pulled him gently away from Logan.

"No!" Jame shouted, trying to jerk away from the man's grip. "No, not me! Save Logan! Save Logan first, please!"

"Your friend is fine, son." the paramedic told him firmly. "He's right here. Worried about you, of course, but he's perfectly fine otherwise."

Again, James shook his head back and forth. He leaned forward and grabbed onto the back of Kendall's empty seat, wrapping his arms around it and holding tightly. "I won't leave him," he said, his voice a little muffled. "Save him first!"

Hurriedly, Logan undid his seat belt and got out of the car. Carlos seemed to have the same idea as he did and both of them were at Kendall's side in an instant. "Excuse me," Logan murmured, brushing the EMT aside. "Let me try something." He leaned into the car and took hold of James' hands again, pulling him away from the seat. "James, it's me. Logan. Can you hear me?"

"Logan," James continued to shake with frightened sobs. "Logan, please don't go away. Please. We need you."

Once he had a hold of James' hands, Logan knelt just outside the car and talked to his friend, an endless stream of comforting words pouring from his lips in a trembling voice. "James, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere right now, I promise. I'm not going to leave you. Just. . . just come back to us, buddy. Please. We need you too."

"No one needs me," James disagreed, full of self-loathing. "All I do is h-hurt people. Logan, you're hurt because of me."

"Not anymore and this wasn't your fault." Logan briefly took the time to wonder about the well-being of the driver who had rear ended them. Because if he or she wasn't hurt at all, they were going to be. But he wasn't about to smack anyone just yet. James was the only one who mattered right now. He gave a gentle tug, finally getting James out of the car and onto the ground beside him. "There we go," he murmured gently. "That's better, isn't it?"

"L-Logan?" James asked, finally seeming to come out of his daze.

Logan's body went limp with relief and he hugged James close to him. "Yeah, James." he said quietly. "It's me. I'm right here. I'm not hurt at all. I'm perfectly fine, I promise."

"What h-happened?" James asked, sounding confused. "Where a-are Kendall and C-Carlos? Are they hurt, Logan?"

"Nope," Logan shook his head and beckoned to his other friends who were next to him and James in a split second. "We're all fine, James. We're right here, see?"

James nodded and then buried his head in Logan's shoulder, returning his embrace. "I was so s-scared," he whispered, entirely broken up. "All I could think of was the a-accident and e-everything and L-Logan-"

"Shhhhh," Logan stopped him. "Don't think about that right now, James. We're all right here, right now. With you. There's nowhere else we belong, okay?"

"I want to go home," James pleaded. "I don't want to stay here or go to the p-police station or out for dinner. I want to go home. Please, Logan." Humiliated, he hid his face from the curious onlookers who had witnessed his breakdown. His heart was still racing, because of the thoughts that plagued him. What he thought had happened. And what he thought could have happened. So easily.

"Okay, James." Logan said comfortingly. "We'll get a ride home then." He blinked back at tears, feeling horrible that it was because of his insistence that they had left the house against James' will in the first place. Why couldn't they have done what he wanted to do? It was his birthday after all.

Reading Logan's mind, James pulled away a little and shook his head. "It's not your fault." he said in a hoarse whisper.

"It's no one's fault," Carlos added gently. "It was just an accident."

"And we're all okay," Kendall repeated. "I'm going to call my mom and have her pick you guys up. I'll stay since I was driving."

Logan nodded, feeling bad that they were going to leave Kendall all by himself. But they needed to get James home where he could relax without complete strangers staring at him. "Thanks, bro." he said with a grateful smile.

"I'll stay with you, Kendall." Carlos offered.

So it was decided that James and Logan would go home with Mrs. Knight while Carlos would keep Kendall company while he dealt with the aftermath of the accident. Though she had been assured that they were all unharmed, Mrs. Knight was extremely worried when she and Katie arrived at the scene of the accident, horrified to see the bashed-in end of her son's car.

But Logan gently insisted that they really needed to get James home so after a few minutes of fussing, she hugged both Kendall and Carlos, and loaded the rest of her "children" into her minivan. Logan sat in the back with James, holding onto him for dear life. He was worried because even though James was back with  
him, the other boy remained totally silent the entire ride home, seemingly lost  
in thought.

"Come on, James. Let's go in and lay down, okay? You look exhausted."

James looked up at Logan's words and nodded mutely. He stood uncertainly and watched Mrs. Knight and Katie pull out of the parking lot, headed to the police station to wait for Kendall and Carlos to finish up. Then he allowed Logan to tug him gently inside the apartment building and to the elevator.

Logan unlocked the door and swung it open, bracing himself and James for Buddy's greeting. "Hey, pup." he said calmly. "Not right now, boy. James needs to rest." He smiled when the dog obediently settled down and followed them over to the couch. "Now sit," he instructed and then rolled his eyes at the dog. "Not you! James!"

James sank down on the couch, hiding his face in his hands again. He felt Logan's hand on his back and cringed because he was afraid of hurting his friend with his next words. "Logan," he began quietly, letting his hands fall away when he heard how muffled his voice was. "Can I ask you a serious question?"

At the grave look on James' face, Logan nodded and squeezed his shoulder. "You can ask me anything, James."

Grateful, James smiled a little. Then the smile was gone and he was totally serious. "Do. . ." he started off slowly and took a deep breath. "Do you think that I'm good for you guys to be around? Like, safe?"

Confusion was the first emotion to cross Logan's face. "Safe?" he repeated. "James, what exactly do you mean?"

Frustrated, because there was no way to say it gently, James said everything in a rush. "I mean, everything that's happened in the past year and a half. I dragged us into Big Time Rush. If I hadn't done that, then I would have never ran that red light and you would have never gotten so hurt. The past year would have never happened the way it did. And. . . today. . . the accident. That would have never happened either. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, am I bad luck, Logan?"

"Um," Logan rubbed the back of his head and looked at James. "How did you ever come up with that idea, James? It's completely insane."

"Because-"

"No," Logan interrupted him, shaking his head. "You're not bad luck, James. I don't even know how you could possibly even entertain that idea. It's ridiculous. I though we talked about this? You. . . took such good care of me, James. You shouldered all that guilt and pain and put it aside so you could take care of me. You were everything I ever needed. Before and after the accident. You still are."

Logan had spoken with such conviction but James still couldn't believe him. "I don't know," he said, avoiding eye contact with his best friend. "I'm always messing up. And today. . . when I freaked. . . I wasn't much use, was I? I was only in the way. And the way I freaked, Logan, I could have hurt someone. I could have hurt you. Again."

"But you didn't," Logan said with a sigh as he rubbed his temple. "Everything turned out fine."

"But what if it didn't?" James insisted. "What if I did hit you? Or Carlos? Or Kendall? What if I'm losing my mind, Logan? Going crazy?"

"You're not!" Logan exclaimed.

It was as if James didn't hear him. He stared straight ahead at the wall in front of him, a glassy eyed expression on his face. "Maybe I should just leave. Move back to Minnesota with my parents. I don't belong here with you where you keep getting hurt because of me."

Logan stared at him in complete shock. "James," he whispered. "You. . . you can't leave."

The dull ache in James' heart woke up when he saw the hurt on Logan's face. He looked like a kicked puppy. "Logie," he says carefully. "I don't know how else to say this, but I think you would have been better of if you have never met me. None of this would have ever happened. You'd be at home in Minnesota, studying for college."

"I'd be at home in Minnesota, wondering what I was missing in my life," Logan corrected, tears filling his eyes.

Suddenly, James sat up and pulled away from Logan. "Look!" he exclaimed. "You're upset because of me."

"I'm upset because the last thing I need is for you to leave!" Logan shot back. "James, earlier you begged me not to leave. How can you even think of leaving us? We need you. Please don't leave!"

To James' dismay, Logan had started to cry. It reminded him all to well of the promise he had made Logan months earlier when his parents had tried to take him away. He remember the great depth of hurt and sorrow in his friend's eyes and felt even guiltier. He had promised that he would never leave him. But it was a stupid promise. One that he could keep because. . . "Logan, maybe I'm not good or safe for you after all. You might be better off without me screwing things  
up."

"No," Logan said tearfully. "James, you can't leave me. Please. I'm. . . I'm afraid without you and Kendall and Carlos."

"You'll still have Kendall and Carlos," James reminded him. "They'll take care of you."

"But it won't be enough!" Logan stood up and began pacing around the room, his attempt at looking angry not masking the fear he was actually feeling. Suddenly he stopped and pressed both hands tightly to his head. "James," he whispered, his voice laced with pain.

"Logan?" Fear jumped into James as he watched his friend start to pull at his hair, his eyes squeezed shut, his face white. "Logan, are you okay?" He watched in horror as Logan suddenly wavered on his own two feet. Leaping up quickly, James just managed to catch him before he hit the floor. "What's wrong?" he asked, forgetting their argument.

That was when Logan began to scream.

**A/N. You have my permission to hate me this time around.**


	50. Chapter 50

**A/N. I'm going to try and finish C51 early today and then upload it tonight. Then hopefully, the last chapter tomorrow before I go away. If not, I'll do it wjen I get back. Anyway, special favor to ask: We're closing in on 900 reviews. Think we can do it? I love you guys. -heart- I don't own anything.**

"Logan!" James stared in horror at his best friend. Logan was on his knees on the carpeted floor, his face pressed to the ground, and his fingers digging into his scalp, pulling at his short hair. He was screaming in sheer agony. "Logan, look at me! What's wrong? What's the matter?"

Logan didn't answer him. Instead he twisted away from the hands James had set on his shoulders and lay there, writhing in pain. James caught a glimpse of his face, drained of all color and filled with something he didn't understand. He had released his hair with one hand and was now pressing that fist up against his right eye. "Ja-" he started to speak and then cut himself off with a sharp intake of air. His other hand shot out and grabbed at James, pulling at his shirt. "Help," he finally managed to get out through gritted teeth.

"What?" James cried frantically. "What do I do?" He winced slightly when Logan suddenly found his hand and held it in a death grip. "Logie, please." he whispered, fear making his eyes water.

Instead of answering him, Logan screamed again and let go of James to curl into a fetal position. The right side of his face was exposed and James could see that his eyelid was drooping a bit, the area underneath it red and teary looking. Sobs shook the smaller boy's body and he convulsed slightly as if he was suffering from a seizure.

It was the spasmodic jerking of Logan's body that convinced James to leave his friend. He jumped to his feet and pounded over to where they kept the land line. He yanked the phone from its cradle, sending a nearby dish crashing to the floor, spraying glass everywhere.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"My best friend," James rattled off, now in tears himself. "I don't know what's wrong with him. I think it's his head. He's in so much pain. Please-" A dull thud interrupted James and he turned just in time to see Logan lift his head and slam it into the floor for a second time. "Logan, no!" he yelled. Panicked, he dropped the phone and ran back to his friend's side. "Logan, don't do that! You'll hurt yourself!"

"St-stop," Logan groaned, his forehead covered in a sheen of sweat. "Make it s-stop, James. P-please!" Instead of trying to hit his head again, Logan practically climbed into James' lap, twisting his fingers in the cotton t-shirt. Instantly James' shoulder was soaked with tears "Help m-me,"

James held Logan in his arms, trying in vain to stop the violent tremors. He was torn, uncertain as to whether he should stay or go make sure that his emergency call went through. "Logan," he whispered, as he sought in vain to comfort his friend. "I'm here, Logan. I'm right here."

"James," Logan sobbed. He fumbled around and found James' hand again, gripping it tightly. "It h-hurts so m-much!"

"Shhh," James murmured, growing desperate. "Help is coming. Just hang in there, okay?" Thankfully, he was telling the truth and there was a sharp knock at the door before paramedics stormed into the room. They quickly assessed the situation and set about laying a stretcher out for Logan. James unwillingly backed up and watched helplessly from afar, tears streaming down his face.

"Coming?" one of the men asked kindly. He helped James to his feet and put a caring arm around the distraught boy's shoulder. He steadied him when he staggered and walked with him all the way out to the waiting ambulance and then helped him in the back.

James settled in quickly, and took Logan's hand. He swallowed hard and watched as his friend fought against his restraints, trying to somehow escape the pain. Tentatively, James smoothed back his damp hair from his forehead. "Almost there, Logan," he soothed, feeling far from soothed himself. "Just a little longer."

Logan's teeth were ground tightly together, grimacing. He no longer seemed to be aware of James' presence and could only grip the sheets tightly. A cry of pain escaped from between his lips and he bit the bottom one so hard that blood appeared. "Please," he moaned, focusing slightly on one of the paramedics.

"All right, sweetie," the one woman in the back with them took his free hand and rubbed it in her hands. "Almost there. Then we'll get you some help."

"W-when?" Logan asked, his voice pleading, begging. "H-how much l-longer?" A strong spasm hit him and he cried out, arching his back as far as the restraints would allow him.

James couldn't believe that it was happening yet again. For the fourth time in a year, Logan was being taken to the hospital in the back of the ambulance. James didn't know what was happening or what would happen and perhaps that was what made it so horrible. To see Logan in so much agony when he usually had a fair tolerance for pain was nightmarish. The short ride to the hospital seemed ten times longer than usual. By the time they had arrived, Logan had become oblivious to anything but the searing headache that had come out of nowhere. But he had stopped screaming and crying and even taking. He had taken on a glassy eyed expression, staring into nothingness as if he was delirious.

James gave his hand one last squeeze and then gently set it over his chest. Then, helpless to do anything else, he stepped aside and let the paramedics wheel him out of sight. He barely made it to a chair himself before he collapsed. He shook so hard, that a woman waiting in the ER with what appeared to be a broken hand, informed the receptionist that there was a boy having a seizure. "I'm fine," he said, brushing concerned hands away. "It's my best friend."

He had no idea how long he waited but it actually didn't seem that long. Time didn't seem to exist from the time Logan had been taken away from him to the time James finally saw Doctor White walking his way. He didn't bother standing up knowing that his legs wouldn't support him. He waited.

"James," the kind man rushed to ease his fears. "Logan is perfectly fine right now. Is his family here?"

His family. James hadn't called anyone. They were probably back at the apartment, worried sick. "Um, no." he said shakily. "I never actually thought of it. I don't have my cell phone with me either. Can I- can I please just see Logan now?"

"Yes, of course. I'll have a nurse call the Knights. James, before I take you to see Logan, I need to tell you something." Doctor White pulled a chair closer and sat down in front of James. "What I'm about to tell you is not going to be easy to hear," he cautioned. "But I can assure you that Logan's condition is not technically speaking, life threatening."

"Condition," James repeated heavily. "What do you mean that it's not technically speaking life threatening?"

The doctor sighed and touched James on the shoulder. "I'm afraid that Logan just suffered from what is known as a cluster headache. Put simply, cluster headaches are recurring headaches that often cause the victim debilitating pain."

"Recurring?"

"I'm afraid that the reason they are called cluster headaches is because they can come and go several times a day for several weeks at a time before the victim goes through a period of pain free rest." Doctor White fell silent, waiting for James to respond.

"You mean," James said, dragging in a ragged breath. "That this will happen to Logan for the rest of his life? More than once a day for. . . weeks or even months at a time?" This could not be possible. This wasn't possible. It absolutely could not be happening to Logan. "Isn't there anything you can do?"

"There are steroids and other medications that he can take that will help him cope," Doctor Walsh said quickly, hoping to ease the pain in James' eyes by giving him some hope to hold onto. "But at present, there is no known cure for cluster headaches. Just treatment. It's a lifelong condition."

James felt like he was falling through empty space. There was a heavy weight, crushing his lungs. "Is this. . ." he started. "Because of the accident?"

Doctor Walsh shrugged. "There's actually no way of knowing for sure. To be perfectly blunt, I wouldn't be all that surprised if the accident was the cause. Logan has dealt with a significant amount of head trauma. However, the fact that this is happening now instead of just after the accident. . . well, unfortunately, cluster headaches can happen to anyone. So it may not be a result of the accident."

"It probably is," James whispered. "How is he now?" He couldn't fall apart yet. He needed to be strong for Logan. "I need to see him, please."

Doctor Walsh nodded and stood up. "Come with me." As they walked down the hall, he kept a careful eye on James' questionable balance while filling him in on Logan's current state. "As I said before, he's just fine right now. He's completely drained and exhausted but that's to be expected. He should be resting, sleeping even, but we'll see. I wouldn't be surprised if he was waiting for you." They stopped in front of a closed door and Doctor Walsh opened it slowly, telling James that the others would be informed shortly.

James nodded, whispered an automatic thanks, and stepped into the room. He couldn't help but cringe when he saw Logan laying in the hospital bed. His face was gray with exhaustion, the spark in his brown eyes gone and exchanged for red rimmed and swollen lids. A tiny smile transformed his dreadful appearance a little bit but it didn't last. It was as if it were too great an effort for him to keep up. "Hey," he whispered, his voice hoarse from screaming and crying. Slowly, he lifted one hand, and eyes on James, beckoned weakly.

James reached the bed in only a few long strides and sat down on the edge of the mattress. Carefully, as if his friend was made of the most fragile kind of glass, he leaned forward and brought Logan into his arms. He felt Logan lay limply in his embrace and tears filled his eyes when he realized how little strength the other boy had left. "Logie," he whispered as tears began to run down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Logan."

Logan had his eyes closed, resting in the safe circle of James' arms. He heard his friend crying and wanted so badly to comfort him. But his headache had drained him of nearly all his strength and it was only because James was holding onto him that he could remain upright at all. "Jay," he managed weakly. "It's okay now."

But James shook his head, using all of his self-control to keep from crying harder. "No it's not," he disagreed. "It's not okay, Logan. You were in so much pain and it's just going to keep happening over and over again. It'll never be okay again."

"Shhh," Logan soothed wearily. "I'll be okay though as long as I'm not alone." Using what little energy he could work up, Logan tipped his head to look up at James, his expression fearful and uncertain. "Please don't leave me, James. I need you. We all do. Please don't leave us after all this time and everything that's happened."

Again, James shook his head but this time it was to ease his friend's fears. "Logie," he whispered, lifting a hand to run his fingers very carefully through the matted dark hair on Logan's forehead. "I'm sorry I ever thought I could leave you. I'll always be here for you. I'll always take care of you. I promise."

Sighing in relief, Logan closed his eyes again and rested his head on James' chest. "Thank you," he whispered, grateful tears filling his eyes. "That makes everything okay, James."

"But you-" James started to say.

"No," Logan shook his head and then released James to lay back down. "Let's not talk about anything right now, James. It hurts you too much and I'm too tired. You look horrible," he shifted very slightly in the bed and patted the empty space.

James climbed onto the bed and instantly wrapped Logan in his arms. "Okay," he whispered. "The others will be here soon. Close your eyes and get some rest for now, okay?"

Logan nodded wearily, his eyes already closing. "Thanks for staying me, James. It helped to know that you were there."

Though Logan had been unaware of him for part of the attack, James felt just a little reassured. "Okay, Logie." he replied softly. "I meant that I said before. I always will be with you to take care of you."

"I know," Logan said as his eyes fluttered shut. He laid his head on James' shoulder and exhausted from his attack and now relaxed with James at his side, he was asleep within seconds.

While he slept, James held him, watching over him. He wondered when the others would arrive. He wondered when Logan's next attack would be. He wondered how much the medication would help. He wondered why he couldn't seen to have a happy birthday anymore.

* * *

It wasn't long before the others arrived, rushing into the room as quietly as possible. Mrs. Knight went instantly to the bed and began stroking Logan's hiar soothingly, careful not to wake the sleeping boy. Katie went to her side and watched with wide, tearfilled eyes. Carlos went over to the other side of the bed where James was and looked over both of his friends with a solemn expression on his weary face. "Are you guys okay now?" he asked quietly.

James shrugged lightly. "As good as we could ever be, I guess." he whispered, his voice sounding haunted even to his own ears. "Carlos. . . Carlos, it was so awful. He was in so much pain. Did. . . Did Doctor White talk to you?"

Mrs. Knight nodded sorrowfully. "He told us everything," she whispered, her voice breaking slightly. "Let's just do what we have been doing and take one step at a time, okay?"

"Okay," James nodded and then looked over at Kendall who was still standing in the doorway, his eyes rivited on Logan. "Kendall, are you okay?" he asked, suddenly concerned for his older friend.

Kendall's eyes never moved from Logan as he gave the tiniest shake of his head. "No," he whispered. "L-Logan-" Suddenly, a sob interrupted Kendall and he turned and fled from the room.

At first, no one moved, too in shock to react right away. Then, everyone moved. "I'll talk to him," James said quietly. "You guys stay with Logan since you haven't seen him yet." He carefully eased Logan's head from his shoulder to the pillows and got off the bed. "We'll be right back," he promised, smiling slightly when Carlos immediately took his place on the bed next to Logan. "Thanks, buddy." Then, with one last look at the now peaceful Logan, he turned and hurried after Kendall.

He didn't have to go far at all. Kendall was right outside the room, sitting on the floor, crying. He was shaking hard with sobs and at first glance, all James could remember was when Logan had first woken up with his brain injury and Kendall had left the room in tears. It was exactly the same. Then, he shook himself a little and knelt down beside his best friend. "Kendall," he whispered.

"J-James," Kendall stammered. "He l-looks so a-awful!" He shut his eyes in an attempt to block the image of Logan from his mind. The sickly grayish cast to his face, the red, swollen areas around his eyes, the pinched look on his forehead as if he was, even in sleep, afraid of the pain returning. He had never seen something so frightening. Even when he had been in a coma, Logan hadn't looked quite so horrible.

"I know," James said quietly. "But Kendall, he looks a lot better." Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because Kendall cried even harder. Swallowing, James reached out a put a hand on a trembling shoulder. "Kendall," he said gently. "He's going to wake up soon. I think it'll help him to have all off us there."

But Kendall shook his head, almost frantically. "I c-can't," he said, his voice still broken. "James, I can't go in there and be strong for him right now. I just can't. I can't see him so weak and. . . I can't be strong this time. I'm too scared right now."

James knew exactly how Kendal felt. But he knew something that Kendall didn't know. "Hey," he said gently, his voice a little bit stronger. "Kendall, listen to me for a second. Look at me, buddy." He waited until Kendall had lifted his head from where it had been buried in his folded arms and then smiled encouragingly. "Listen," he repeated. "Right now , Logan doesn't need you to be strong for him. Right now, he just needs you to be there for him. Okay?"

Kendall nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay." he paused to wipe at his face and then stood up slowly, letting James help him. "Thanks, James."

"Ready?" James asked patiently.

"Ready." Kendall took another deep breath and straightened his shoulders, determined to be as strong as he could for as long as he could. The strength lasted until he walked through the door and saw Logan, awake this time, but looking like he was dying. "Logie," he whispered.

Logan turned from facing Carlos to look toward the door. A smile inched its way across his face. "Hey, Kendall," he whispered.

Kendall slipped out from under James' supporting arm and crossed the room. His mother and Katie moved away so that he could sit on the edge of the bed and pull Logan into a gentle embrace. Sobs that felt like they were tearing him apart, shook them both and he started to pull away from Logan.

"No," Logan protested, holding on as much as his strength would allow. "I'm okay now, Kendall."

As much as Kendall doubted him, he stopped trying to pull away and held onto the other boy as he cried. Everything hurt so badly, his heart, his lungs, his eyes, burning from the constant stream of tears. He couldn't believe that this was happening to Logan. To all of them. Hadn't they had enough heartache in the past year to last them a lifetime? The thought of Logan, his best friend, his younfer brother, facing a life filled with excruciating pain, was almost too much for him to bear. There wasn't a thing he could do about it either and that made everything so much worse.

Logan caught yet another glimpse of the pain his friends and family had suffered in the past year. That awful, crushing helplessness and fear that brought down even the strongest of them. He hadn't seen Kendall cry so much since the boys were eleven and his parents had divorced. He was scared too. He was scared of so much. Scared because only a few weeks ago he had woken up and been informed that for nearly a year, he had lived with a severe brain injury that had made him talk, act, and think like a six-year-old boy. Scared because he had missed out on a whole year of his life. Scared because everyone had suffered so much. Scared because at any moment, the pain in his head could return, without warning. There was so much to be scared about.

At last, Kendall stopped crying and simply held onto Logan while _he_ cried because everything was so horribly blurry and confusing and terrifying for him. His thoughts were the same as everyone in the room. When would Logan get another headache? It was only a matter of time. Time, Kenda decided right then and there, was the most terrifying thing that existed.

"Can we please go home?" Logan asked, his voice still a mere whisper.

"We can if you want, sweetie." Mrs. Knight said. "I can get the medications you need right away and according to Doctor White, they'll help. But it won't be as good as what they can give you here. Would you rather wait a few days?"

Logan shook his head carefully. "Please," he said softly. "I just want to go home. I'm tired of being in the hospital." Tears had filled his eyes. He didn't want to face the inevitable pain again. To become unaware of everything but the torment. He didn't know when it would happen or how well his medications would help and that was yet another thing to be scared about. But for the time being, all he wanted was to just be home.

"I'll go get the doctor then," Mrs. Knight stood up and kissed Logan on the forehead. "I'll be right back."

Logan sighed and rested his head on Kendall's shoulder. "I'm afraid," he finally admitted aloud to all of them.

"We know, Logie." Carlos murmured. "We are too." There was nothing he could really say that would make a difference or make Logan feel any better. Tears filled his eyes and spilled down his face. "We're right here though," he managed to add.

"That helps," Logan assured him with a tiny smile. "More than anything else, even the medications."

Doctor White and Mrs. Knight reappeared with a wheelchair then. Without a word, Kendall stood up and lifted Logan into his arms, ignoring the weak protest he got from his startled and embarrassed friend. He set him gently, carefully, into the chair and then took his place behind it, ready to take Logan home.

"All right, Logan." Doctor White said gently. "I've given your mother a prescription for some very strong pain killers. They should help make the headaches a little more bearable. But you have to be very careful with them. Follow the instructions exactly, all right? No matter how much you may be tempted to take another one, you can't do that. The pills are very strong. Also, don't do anything strenuous after you take them. They'll make you extremely drousy. It's probably best if you laid down and rested as much as possible. If the pills don't help at all, come here and we'll help you out. There are other medications to treat cluster heaches, we just have to find the one that works best for you. In the meantime, don't be ashamed to come in and get something from us. It'll be safe and monitored very carefully, all right?"

"Thank you," Logan said gratefully. "For everything."

Doctor White nodded and put a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Good luck," he said softly. "You're an incredibly strong young man and you have the support of some amazing people. I have faith that you'll be just fine no matter what happens."

So, armed with a presciption that they were all praying would work, the boys and the Knight family left the hospital, relieved that Logan was alive and well all things considered, but weighted down by the despair of what was still to come.

**A/N. TWO MORE CHAPTERS! Then I'll get to work on wrapping up "How to Save a Life". That should have about twelve chapters left.**


	51. Chapter 51

**A/N. The penultimate chapter, everyone! WARNING: Unashamed Cargan fluff in the beginning of the chapter. That is all. I don't own anything.**

It had been a week since Logan's devastating diagnosis. The one comfort that existed was that the headaches came and went with eerie regularity. Twice a day, once at eleven in the morning, and then again at six in the evening. They lasted forty-five minutes each and left Logan exhausted, drained of whatever energy he had. The medications, he claimed, helped a great deal, which James found easiest to believe out of all of them because he had been the only one to witness the first attack. Logan always cried but he never again screamed and James found that to a huge relief.

That didn't make it a whole lot easier to deal with though. The look of dread on Logan's face that appeared a full ninety minutes before an attack. The way he stopped whatever he was doing sixty minutes before. And the way he stopped talking thirty minutes before. The way he started to cry quietly just before the pain actually began. They did everything they could, talked to him, held him, cried with him, stayed with him constantly. But it was never enough.

It was just after eight in the evening when Carlos found himself alone with Logan. If he didn't trust the headaches to stay away until the next morning, he would have been terrified. But he did trust the awful, horrible, headaches that rendered his friend incapable of anything except crying. He knew with absolute certainty that he and Logan would be fine by themselves for a little while which was why he was actually quite delighted to have Logan all to himself.

Even though he was sleeping. Carlos regarded the other boy solemnly. He looked just the same as he always did after suffering from one of the crippling attacks. Pale and worn out beyond belief. Tear stained face and red, swollen eyes even when they were closed. Carlos knew, that once he woke up, the right side of Logan's face would appear slightly disfigured. His eyelid would be drooping and even more swollen than the other. That side of his jaw was slightly swollen too. It was because that was where the pain came from. It did something. When he woke up, Logan might have to blow his nose because it tended to run as if he had a bad cold during and after the headaches.

Logan's eyes suddenly fluttered open, immediately finding Carlos. "Hi," he said, squinting in a somewhat lopsided manner at his best friend.

"Hey, Logan." Carlos replied with a small smile. He had to admit that it was getting easier to at least deal with the aftermath and move on. He used to cry every time Logan woke up because when he slept after a headache, he always looked inches from death. The relief when he woke up had always brought tears to Carlos' eyes. It was so good to see his eyes and hear his voice. His smile too. Carlos loved Logan's smile because it was real and it meant everything was okay. Carlos didn't cry anymore but that didn't mean his joy was lessened.

Logan returned his smile and started to sit up. "Thanks," he said gratefully when Carlos immediately slipped an arm around his waist and helped him, then sat beside him on the bed to give him a strong support to lean on. "What time is it?"

Before answering, Carlos reached over to where a bowl of warm water sat waiting on the nightstand. A washcloth laid draped over the edge and he soaked it before squeezing the excess water out and then held it gently to the right side of Logan's swollen face. "It's about 8:30," he said quietly. "Don't worry, I got it."

Logan's hand fell from where he had been trying to take the rag from Carlos so he could hold it himself. "Thanks," he said with a relieved sigh. With his good eye, he glanced around the quiet and otherwise empty room.

"Your mom and Katie went to the grocery store for some things and Kendall and James took Buddy for a walk," Carlos explained. "They didn't want to leave but he was starting to act up a little and they thought they both should go just in case. If you want, we can call them and-"

"Carlos!" Logan couldn't help but laugh and the sound made Carlos grin. "I'm fine, really. I have you and that's more than enough. Besides, everyone needs to get out a little more. Even me. Fresh air would probably feel really good right now."

Carlos thought carefully. The roof of the apartment complex was perfectly safe and made for enjoying a beautiful view. A glance outside the window showed a promising night for stars. He could text the others to let them know where they were and most importantly, he had a feeling that Logan would really enjoy it. "Wanna go out on the roof?" he asked casually.

Logan sat up a little, the cloth slipping away from his face so that both of his eyes were shinning in excitement. "Really? That's a great idea, Carlos!"

"Let me help you though," Carlos cautioned him. He stood up and grasping Logan firmly by both wrists since he was bound to be wobbly at first, pulled him to his feet. His motions were slow and easy and he pulled one of Logan's arm and put it over his own shoulders and then wrapped his own arm around Logan's waist. "Okay?" he asked.

"Fine," Logan nodded, looking a little pale and sounding a little breathless.

Once he was sure that Logan was fine, Carlos walked slowly out of the room, supporting his best friend the while time. He stopped by the closet to grab a couple of blankets and throw them over his shoulder.

"Carlos, I can help," Logan offered, looking at the other boy's added burdens.

"Nope," Carlos shook his head. "I'm good. Thanks though."

"Well then let me walk on my own," Logan gently slipped free of Carlos' firm grasp and walked a few paces ahead. "See? I'm fine."

"Okay, but take it easy," Carlos advised him. He knew it was right to let Logan go and that it was best for him. It just wasn't easy. He kept Logan just ahead of him so he would be sure to steady him if needed. They took the elevator because he insisted and Logan didn't protest.

The night air was worth the trip. Carlos breathed deeply as glanced over at Logan who looked perfectly relaxed and so peaceful that it was almost impossible to tell that he had been in agonizing pain only a few hours ago. "Here," Carlos said quickly, laying one of the blankets out. "Sit." When Logan obeyed, he wrapped the other blanket over his friend's shoulders and sat next to him, both of them leaning against the wall of the exit.

"This is great, Carlos." Logan breathed. "Just what I needed. Thanks."

"I'm glad," Carlos replied quietly.

"Are you cold?" Logan asked, looking at his friend. "This blanket is plenty big enough. I bet-"

"It would," Carlos said with a nod. "But I'm okay for now. Thanks though. I'll let you know."

Logan looked satisfied and turned back to look out over the city of LA at night. His thoughts seemed to be on the scenery around them but when he spoke, his words were about something else entirely different. "Carlos," he began hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

Logan turned from the scenery around them to look at Carlos, his eyes bright with tears. "I wanted to thank you," he said quietly. "For everything you've been for me even though I don't remember it all. You've been so. . . incredible, Carlos. I mean, when I woke up a few weeks ago and everyone was staring at me and telling me what had happened, I was so. . . so terrified. I felt so lost. But then you were there, And you made everything okay. You were just as scared and confused as everyone else was but you were there for me when I needed you the most. So thank you."

Slightly taken aback by Logan's complete honesty, Carlos looked down, his face bright red. "I think. . ." he began, slowly. "That I was in shock when you woke up like you did. Everyone was. But. . . then I saw how. . . scared you were. And for a second, I tried to imagine what it would be like if I was in your place. It was really scary, Logan. So then I thought about what I would want if I was you and. . . I would have wanted someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay."

"It really helped me, Carlos." Logan said seriously. "And I think it helped everyone else too. That's the kind of person you've been. You're so helpful to everyone. No matter what happened to us, you were the one to adjust and be whatever we needed. Like when I came home and I had to get used to everything. You helped me but you did it in a fun way so that it wasn't so scary. It made me realize something."

Curiousity got the better of Carlos and he looked up. "What's that?" he asked softly.

"That you're the strongest and bravest person I've ever known."

Carlos was shaking his head halfway through Logan's statement. "No, I'm not, Logie." he said, tears filling his eyes. "I was so scared the whole time. I'm still scared. Really scared. I'm scared that you getting better will be a dream. I'm scared you'll get hurt again. I'm _really_ scared of your headaches. I'm not strong. Or brave."

Logan didn't argue right away. He was silent as Carlos went on and on, repeatedly stating how he wasn't brave and how James and Kendall were much stronger. When he had finished, Logan stayed silent, giving himself time to find the right words. "You're wrong," he said so gently that Carlos didn't look away a second time. "Carlos, Kendall and James are both really strong and really brave. But who was the one who made me feel safe and gave me his own helmet? Who was the only one who didn't fall apart when there was that whole mess with James. . . hurting himself? Who was the one who stepped out of his comfort zone and got Kendall and James back in line and working together again? Who was the first person to tell me that everything would be all right when I woke up normal or whatever you want to call it? Who, Carlos?"

"Me," Carlos whispered, one lone tear escaping his eyes to roll down his face. He reached up and brushed it hurriedly away, taking a deep, steadying breath. "I was still scared, Logan."

"Being brave doesn't mean that you're never scared," Logan said softly. "Being brave means doing the right thing no matter how scared you are. And that's what you were. That's what you are. You and Kendall didn't tell me everything, Carlos. A lot of what you told me involved James. But whatever involves James involves both of you. I can see how everything that affected James, affected you. I don't know what we would have done or where we'd be without you."

Carlos shrugged. "I think you guys would have been okay." he said quickly. "Kendall and James woul have come around."

"How?" Logan questioned. "Mom was too busy finding a permanent place for us to stay and getting a job so she could support us. Not to mention taking care of me. Katie is still too young to have to deal with what happened between them. So who would have made them see that they were both wrong?"

"I. . ."

A smile tugged at the corners of Logan's mouth and he nugged his best friend. "You're a hero, Carlos. The strongest and bravest person any of us will ever know. Accept it."

Finally, Carlos nodded, very slowly. He returned Logan's smile. "Thanks, Logie. But for the record? _You're_ the strongest and bravest person I've ever met. I don't think I could handle everything you've had to. At least not as well as you have."

"But see, Carlos, you're still not giving yourself the credit that you deserve. I've had _help_ getting through. . ." Logan waved his hands in the air, making Carlos laugh. "Whatever." He gave up trying to describe his situation in one word. "Anyway. I've had help. You didn't always have help. I bet there were other times when Kendall and James lost their tempers in a situation and you were the one who stayed calm, right?"

As soon as Logan had spoken, a memory came to Carlos. He clamped his jaw tightly shut as panic began to edge its way into his mind. What if Logan-

"Carlos, is something wrong?"

_Crap._ Carlos thought. Logan already knew. But then again, all he and Kendall had told Logan was horrible, awful stuff about what they had all had to go through. Why hadn't they told him any of the positive things? Okay, so maybe the memory wasn't very positive, but it had involved all of them workin together as a team. "Logie," he started to say, hoping that he wouldn't regret what he was about to tell Logan. "There was this one time. . . when James and Kendall both lost their tempers in a good way. But I'm not sure I can tell you."

"Well, you have to tell me know," Logan pointed out with a grin. The grin faded when he saw how upset Carlos was. "You really don't have to if you don't want to. You know that, right?"

"Right," Carlos agreed, taking a deep breath. "I do and I don't want to tell you. Does that make sense?" When Logan nodded, he relaxed a little bit and went on. "I want to tell you because Kendall and James were really incredible. But I don't want to tell you because it might hurt you."

Logan nodded, looking slightly confused. "Did. . . did someone say something about me?" he guessed. Immediately, he knew that he was on the right track because Carlos stiffened. "Was it a stranger or someone we knew?"

"A stranger," Carlos whispered. "We went to the mall just before Christmas. You. . . you wanted to see Santa and afterwards. . . some jerks were laughing at you and. . . and calling you names and saying awful things. So James and Kendall. . . fought them."

Logan's eyes flew open wide. "Fought them?" he repeated in disbelief. "In the middle of the mall?"

Carlos' frown deepened. "They deserved it."

In spite of his shock, Logan had to smile because Carlos looked almost mad enough to go find those guys again and beat them up himself. "I bet they did," he said softly, feeling hurt for something he didn't remember. "What happened?"

"Oh," Carlos had almost forgotten that part. "They got arrested." The expression on Logan's face was almost comical and he found himself fighting a smile.

"Arrested." Logan shook his head. "Wow."

"Don't worry," Carlos assured him. "They were just protecting you. As soon as they told their side of the story, the police let them go. Anyway, I was really proud of them then."

"I would have been proud too," Logan decided. "I am proud of them. Because like you said, they were working together for something that meant a lot to them."

"Some_one_ that _means_ the _world_ to _them_," Carlos corrected, emphasizing words and making Logan turn red and rub the back of his neck.

Determined to switch the focus back on Carlos, Logan said hurriedly, "So then who stayed with me when James and Carlos got taken to the police station?"

"Me," Carlos couldn't help but laugh. "That was when we found Buddy."

"You're all really fantastic," Logan told him. "I know that this is hard and even though it hurts you a lot too, but between you and Kendall and James and Mom and Katie, there aren't five other people in the world that I'd rather go through this with. We'll make it through. I know we will."

"Yeah," Carlos said, looking up in the sky just in time to see a shooting star. "Me too."

The door opened then, and Kendall and James walked out to join their friends on the roof. "There you are!" Kendall exclaimed in relief.

"Sorry!" Carlos said quickly. He went to stand up and found himself being gently forced back down by Kendall as he and James joined their friends on the blanket.  
"Kendall, I meant to text you that we-"

"Carlos, it's fine!" Kendall interruppted. "I knew you guys would be okay with each other. We were just wondering where you were, that's all. This was the first place we looked." He glanced over at Logan, wrapped in the extra blanket and turned back to Carlos. "We didn't have anything to worry about."

"Are you feeling better, Logan?" James asked in concern. He knew the answer but he had to hear Logan for himself.

Logan nodded. "Fine, James. Carlos took good care of me."

James looked closer at his friend. The swelling on the right side of his face wasn't even there anymore even though there was still a little dried blood from when Logan had bit his lip. "I see that," he said, finally smiling.

"How's Buddy?" Logan asked, ready to switch topics.

Kendall rolled his eyes and laughed. "Much better now that we took him for a walk. Man, he was getting really hyper."

"That's because I never got a chance to take him out earlier," Logan said with a sigh. "Sorry about that, guys."

"No big deal, Logie." James said, shaking his head. "It was good to get out even though we didn't want to leave. We knew that you were in good hands. And we're back now. So-"

"Everything's good," Logan finished for him.

"Right," James smiled a little.

A breeze came by then and even under the blanket, Logan shivered a little. Kendall stood up. "Ready to go back in?" Even though it had been voiced as a question, his friends knew that it was a command and they all stood up after him. Standing close to Logan, Kendall scooped up the other blanket and the opened the door that led them back inside.

Katie and Mrs. Knight were playing quietly with Buddy and looked up when the boys walked in. "Hi, boys. How is everything?"

Logan loved the casual way his mother always brought up his well-being, including his friends in her concerned question so that he wasn't alone. He gave her a thumbs up and then walked over to hug her. "Much better, thanks. Still pretty tired though."

"It's getting late," Mrs. Knight siad glancing at the clock. 10:00 wasn't late for four teenage boys but they had, as usual, a long day ahead of them. "Katie and I will probably turn in soon too."

"Okay," Katie said agreeably. She stood up from where she had been rubbing the dog's belly and walked over to Logan to hug him. The cluster headaches scared her more than anyone else and at times she ran out of the room and buried her head under a pillow, no longer able to watch Logan rock back and forth in so mauch pain and listen to his desperate sobs. She loved seeing the older brother she had know for most of her life. The one who had gone away for almost a year and then returned in a way that could only be described as miraculous. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Logan." she said softly, apologizing in her own way, for not always being able to stay through the whole torturous forty-five minutes.

"Thanks, Katie." Logan replied, kissing her on the forehead, letting her know that there was nothing to forgive. He looked back at his mom and smiled. "Love you both. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Logan." Mrs. Knight smiled, taking in every second of the peace that would stay with them until the morning. "We love you too."

The boys headed off to their own bedrooms, prepared for bed, and then said goodnight to each other. Logan and Kendall headed off to their room while, after hesistating, James followed Carlos to their room. "Are you okay, James?" Carlos asked, noticing the other boy's quiet distress.

James sat on his bed and nodded. "I think so. I'm just tired and well. . . worried about Logan."

"Me too," Carlos said in complete understanding. "It's scary, isn't it? But after a while they'll stop and we'll have a break from them, right? That's what the doctor said, isn't it?"

"Yeah," James assured him. "I just hope that it's soon and that it lasts a long time. Lognan deserves better than this."

"He does," Carlos agreed, falling silent. "But he's strong," he added in a whisper after some time. "And he's got lots of strong people to take care of him. He'll be okay."

"I know," James laid down then, staring up at the dark ceiling. "Thanks, Carlos." Hearing the other boy murmur in response, James turned over to his side and closed his eyes, hoping he could get some sleep.

* * *

_"James!"_

_James' eyes snapped open to find Logan staring at him, his expression unreadable. Quickly, James sat up. "Logan? What's the matter? Are you okay?"_

_"No!" Logan spat out, his eyes dark with resentment. "How could you possibly think that I'm okay, James? Just a couple months ago, I woke up and everyone told me that I spent almost a year of my life brain damaged. With the mind of a six-year-old. I missed out on so much, James! High-school! Now I'm more than a year behind and it'll take me forever to get to college and med school. And what about Big Time Rush? It's dead and it's all your fault."_

_"I-I. . . Logan-" James stammered helpless, hs heart racing in fear at every word that poured from Logan's lips._

_"The funny thing is," Logan snorted and shook his head. "Is that it's because of Big Time Rush that any of this happened. And you threw it all the way. After I put my dream of becoming a doctor on hold for your dream of becoming a pop star in LA, you ran that red light and ruined everything for everyone."_

_Tears filled James' eyes and began to spill down his cheeks. He had been expecting this for so long until that night when Logan talked to him and told him that he had forgiven him. But that was before the cluster headaches. They must have changed Logan's mind and though James deserved everything the younger boy was saying to him, it was still incredibly difficult to hear. "I'm sorry," he whispered._

_"You're sorry." Logan repeated in a dull tone. "Do you really think that's enough, James? Because yeah sure, now I'm back to who I was before for whatever reason. But now I have to deal with these headaches. Remember that migraine you got the day after the accident? These are a million times worse. I can't even begin to desribe it to you, James. It's like having someone drilling a red-hot poker into your eye and through the back of your head. It's worse than you could ever imagine. And I have to deal with it for the rest of my life. So guess what, James? My future is still ruined. All because of you."_

_James started to sob then, shaking from the effort. "L-Logan, I'm so sorry!" he choked out. "If I could take your place, I would! I'd do it in a heartbeat!"_

_"Yeah, you deserve to," Logan scoffed. "But wishing about it won't change a thing. I hate you, James. I hate you for ruining my life. I don't ever want to see you again." He stood up and yanked James by the wrist, pulling him roughly to his feet. "Get out," he spat. "Go away."_

_Even though he had been expecting that too, James still fell to his knees when he heard Logan's words. "Logan," he pleaded. "Don't do this. I'll. .. I'll do anything. I can't leave you guys. Please!"_

_"The only thing I want, James," Logan said, still as harsh as ever. "Is for you to leave and never come back. I don't want to ever see your face again or hear your voice and hear anything about you ever again. I don't want anything to do with you at all. I want to forget the day I met you. I want to forget you."_

_James was suddenly pulled to his feet again by Logan. He stumbled forward, nearly crashing into the wall. Turning around, he searched his friend's eyes for a hint of forgiveness but saw nothing. Logan really and truly hated him and wanted him to leave. He didn't have a choice. He had to leave. "Okay," he whispered, faintly. "I'll leave." He didn't have the slightest idea where he would go but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered except that he would never see Kendall, Carlos, or Logan ever again. Without them, James wondered, what did he have to live for?_

_"You don't deserve to die," Logan said, surprising James. "You deserve to live until you're one hundred years old. You deserve to be burdened with your guilt for the rest of your life. So as much as I hate you, James, don't do anything stupid because I don't want you to die. Now," he flung open the door and shoved James violently out onto the street. "Get out of my life!"_

_Even though he was alive, James felt certain that he was actually dead. Because he was forced to live even though he had nothing to live for. Absolutely nothing. He was alone. Lost. Dead._

* * *

"James!"

James' eyes shot open at the sound of his name being called. At first, he could see nothing but darkness and then his eyes began to adjust. He saw Logan watching him and when Carlos flipped on the light, after he was temporairily blinded, he could see that all of his friends were watching him in concern. And with good reason. His entire body was drenched in sweat, his breathing fast and heavy in panic. Tears blurred his vision slightly and he blinked them away only to have them run down his cheeks. "What. . . what happened?" he choked out once he got his breath back.

"You. . . had a nightmare," Logan offered an explanation hesitantly. "At least I think you did. Um, do you. . . do you want to talk about it?"

James sat up slowly, shying away when Logan tried to help him. He covered his face with his hands and sighed deeply. "I'm sorry if I woke you guys," he said quietly. "I did have a nightmare. But. . . but I'm okay now. Really."

Kendall rolled his eyes from where he sat with Carlos, allowing Logan to try and reach James by himself. "Jay," he said firmly but gently. "I think you probably should talk a little.

"I'm f-fine," James started to say.

"You're about as fine as-" Logan stopped in the middle of his sentence as started again. "You're not fine, James. Please talk to us. What happened?"

There was absolutely no way there would leave him alone until he talked. But still, James hesitated. "Logan, you should rest," he whispered.

"I'll rest when you tell us what's going on," Logan said patiently.

"I just. . . I had a nightmare," James mumbled. He found the nerve to look at Logan and then confessed the rest. "You told me that you hated me and that you wanted me to leave. You told me that you never wanted to see me again." Immediately, he dropped his gaze and stared at his hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder and flinched at the touch but didn't pull away.

"James," Logan said softly, his voice pained. "I'm sorry, buddy. But. . . but it was just a dream. I've told you before that I don't hate you. And as for you leaving. . . I've hope you know by now just how much we all need you with us."

He did know. But it helped to hear Logan say it after his dream. James nodded and forced a small smile. "I do know," he said quietly. He brushed the remaining tears away and relaxed a little bit. "It was just. . . so real."

"That's how dreams are," Carlos told him, looking at Logan as he spoke. "Right, Logie?"

Logan smiled and nodded. "Carlos is right, James." he told all of them. "But as real as they seem, they're only in our mind. This right here? This is real. And James, I don't hate you. You're one of my best friends and whatever you might think, you deserve to be happy."

"I am happy," James said, realizing that he was being perfectly honest. "It's not always easy and if I could take your place, Logan, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know. . . I know that the accident might not be the cause of your headaches but whether they are or it was going to happen to you anyway, I'd take your place. It hurts so much to see you suffering, especially because it might be my fault. But. . . I am happy. Because you're happy. Right?"

"I'm really happy, James." Logan told him. "You know why? Because I have the best friends in the world with me."

"Me too, Logie."

**A/N. I don't really like the last part. But it's necessary. I think. Oh well. I guess we'll see! One more chapter! It's not looking very likely at all that I'll be able to get it up tomorrow but I'll be home by the end of the week so. . . If this is the last chapter until I get back, I love you all! See you in a few days!**


	52. Chapter 52

**A/N. Epilogue time! Thanks to everyone who stayed around for all 52 chapters! You guys are truly the best! I don't own anything.**

"What was it like?" Logan asked Kendall as he picked up the photo of them in Disneyland and studied it intently. It was pretty obvious that in the picture, he was the only one who was actually happy. His friends all looked exhausted, especially James. Their smiles were worn thin and there was a sadness in their eyes that Logan couldn't look at for too long. He set the frame back on his dresser and looked around.

They were home again. Minnesota. Since Logan's miraculous recovery, there had been no need for the intense physical and mental rehab and therapy. However, his cluster headaches prevented him from anything that offered an unstable schedule, making a Big Time Rush comeback impossible. There was nothing left for LA to offer them so a move back to Minnesota was agreed upon by everyone and now. . . Logan glanced out his bedroom window to see the white blanket of snow that covered the front lawn. Now they were really home.

"What was it like," Kendall repeated, almost to himself. "It was really hard, Logan." He sighed heavily as a flood of memories invaded him. He wished that James and Carlos hadn't gone home on the orders of their parents who hasn't really seen their sons in months. They would be back later that night because James couldn't sleep so far away from Logan without having occasional nightmares and Carlos simply wanted to be with his best friends. And while Kendall certainly couldn't hold it against the Diamonds and Garcias for wanting to see their sons so badly, he wished that their timing had been a little better. "We already told you a lot, didn't we, Logan?"

Logan nodded but he still looked troubled. "You told me everything you guys went through," he recalled softly. "But you never really told me that much about me. What was I like? Was I bratty or hard to deal with at all?"

Kendall stared at Logan's face, caught off guard by how intense and earnest he seemed. A fond smile crossed his face and Kendall put an arm around his brother's shoulders, pulling him close. "Actually," he said with another quick glance at the Disneyland picture. "You were really adorable."

Logan's face turned bright red, making Kendall laugh. Even more embarrassed, Logan sat down on his bed and pretended to be absorbed in petting Buddy who had been sitting faithfully at his owner's feet. "I'm being serious!" he protested when Kendall laughed again.

"So am I!" Kendall declared, sobering up quickly. "Logan, as difficult as it was to see you the way you were, it was also really hard to be sad around you. You were almost always happy and wanted everyone else to feel the same way. Everything you said and did was an effort to make us smile and it usually worked." Kendall smiled again. "There was this. . . innocence you had, but at the same time, you knew that we were hurting. All you cared about was us being together and being happy. The first part was easy after a while. The second part we couldn't have done without you. You were never really different except that you needed us more."

Logan was quiet as he listened to Kendall. The red in his face had faded except for a little color that lingered on the back of his neck. Self-consciously, he rubbed it, making Kendall smile at the familiar gesture. "I've always needed you guys," he said quietly. "I guess that I've never let you help me as much as I should have with certain things. Like my parents. Then when I got hurt," Logan looked down at his hands, twisting nervously in his lap, and then back up at Kendall. "I guess I didn't really have a choice."

"That was the hardest part," Kendall admitted. "We always knew you were hurting more than you ever let on. To see you with your guard down and knowing that you didn't really have a say in the matter. . . it was rough. You were so vulnerable. But at the same time," Kendall was quick to add when Logan looked upset, "I was glad. We were all glad that you finally let us in. Even with the circumstances."

"Well," Logan sighed deeply. "I think that after everything that's happened, I can't even try to hide things from you guys. I think we all need each other now more than ever."

Nodding in agreement, Kendall looked out the window. "A lot has changed," he says softly. "Even us. But our friendship hasn't. And I don't think it ever will."

Logan smiled at the thought. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced at the alarm clock sitting on his desk. Then he turned his head so that he was staring straight at it. "Kendall?" he whispered, his posture stiffening.

Kendall frowned, confused by Logan's sudden change in demeanor. "What is it, Logie?" he asked in concern. "Is everything okay?"

"Is that-" Logan pointed at the clock. "Is that the right time?"

"Um," Kendall glanced at his cell phone. "6:23. Yeah, it's right. Why? Logan-" Suddenly, Kendall cut himself off and stared at Logan, his face matching the hope he saw in the other boy's expression.

Slowly, a huge smile spread across Logan's face and he leaned forward into Kendall's ready embrace. Tears burned his eyes until he let them fall, streaming down his cheeks and soaking into Kendall's shirt. His entire body felt limp and lifeless with relief and a joy that he hardly dared to recognize as real.

For two long months, Logan had dealt with headaches twice a day at a regular clockwork pattern. A combined hour and a half of each day had been spent in pure, hardly bearable, agony. He had already had his morning headache at the usual 11:00 am. But the second one, the 6:00 one, the evening one, had never come. It hadn't happened. Which could mean only one thing. The headaches were completely gone. Yes, they would eventually return, maybe even as soon as a couple of weeks. It didn't matter to Logan though. Because the peace was all that mattered now.

Kendall tightened his arms around Logan, his own eyesight becoming blurred at the realization. They had been so caught up in their discussion about the past, that they had let the time slip away, completely unnoticed. "We should call James and Carlos," he said quietly when Logan's tears had slowed. He felt Logan nod against him, but the other boy made no quick movement to call their friends. So with one hand, Kendall juggled his cell phone and sent a text message to James and Carlos. Then he waited. "You okay?" he whispered to Logan who was still quiet except for a few quiet teary sniffs.

Logan laughed, the near hysterical sound shaking both of them. "I'm fine," he managed. "I'm great." He pulled slowly away from Kendall's embrace and gave the older boy a shaky smile. "I'm fantastic."

Within five minutes, James and Carlos had stormed into the room, their faces white with anxiety even though Kendall had told them in his text that there was nothing to worry about. Obviously, they were both thinking about Logan and his headaches, but when they saw their friend in tears but looking far from in pain, they were confused. "What's wrong with Logan?" James demanded of Kendall as if Logan was incapable of answering for himself.

"Nothing." Kendall and Logan said at the same time.

Carlos was the first to get it. He stared hard at Logan's face, streaked with tears, but lit up in joy and relief. Understanding dawned on his face and he leaped forward, pulling Logan into a close hug. "You never got your second headache today!" he exclaimed happily. "Logan, you're all better right now!"

James spun around to look at Kendall since Logan was still trapped in Carlos' enthusiastic embrace. "Really?" he asked, tears already brightening his eyes.

Kendall nodded, relieved to be able to give his friend such good news. "Really," he confirmed. "It looks like we're finally getting a break."

Logan finally managed to gently ease himself out of Carlos' arms and walked over to James. Without a word, he wrapped his arms around his taller friend, bracing himself when James leaned against him a little for support. "It's okay, James," he says quietly, tears still thickening his voice. He knew that the headaches would return with their dreadful regularity and he didn't know when. Still, he refused to dread then. He was determine to enjoy the time he had without them.

James finally seemed to accept that they had been given an undetermined time period of peace. For however long it lasted, it would be as close to "normal" as they would ever get again. Logan wouldn't be suffering so much and that meant that James' constantly guilty mind would maybe be silenced for just a little while. The relief was staggering and James had to sit down before he knocked both himself and Logan over. "Thank God," he whispered, returning Logan's embrace and holding him close.

When they pulled apart and all four boys sat in silence, trying to absorb the fantastic development, Logan watched his friends closely. Carlos looked practically giddy with relief and was bouncing slightly up and down, a broad grin on his face. He looked happy and carefree, just the way he should look. Kendall obviously wanted to rush downstairs and tell their mother and sister the good news but was reluctant to leave his friends at the moment. All in all though, he looked happy, the cloud of worry that had been his constant companion for so long was gone and he looked more at ease. James. James was an open book for anyone to read two different emotions. Part of him seemed afraid that he was only dreaming, that the peace that now surrounded them was too good to be true. Another part of him was so close to the old James that Logan had once known over a year ago. The one who was a passionate dreamer.

As he studied his friends closely, Logan thought about how much he missed the way things had been before the accident. They had all grown so much, maturing in leaps and bounds, and it was bittersweet. Logan loved the way Carlos was suddenly wise beyond his years and incredibly tenderhearted and sensitive toward other's feelings. But he missed the goofy, innocent boy. He loved the quiet, thoughtful Kendall but sometimes missed the way his quick temper got the better of his protective nature. And he loved James' humility and selflessness, but there were still occasions where he missed the egotistical side of his best friend.

But at least they were all together, Logan decided. That was what really mattered. They were alive and for the most part, healthy. They wore the scars of the past year for all to see because they weren't ashamed anymore. They were proud of themselves and each other because after all they had been through, in the end, they were as they had always been: Together. And happy. That was all that really mattered.

**A/N. The end. Since this was the last chapter, how about everyone reviews it? lol. Just kidding. You don't have to if you don't want to. Thanks again! Up next, a very special one-shot for a very special person and then I'm going to try to finish "How to Save a Life" before school starts in September. Ready, set, go!**


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